B00BR2BOUU EBOK (28 page)

The idea of declaring myself single
actually felt good, liberating and somewhat exciting, I guess it also felt
empowering, as a way of saying ‘hey, fuck the both of you’, now I’m up for
grabs
.
I really had no idea about being single, what would I do? Technically,
I would just not commit myself to either of them at this stage.
I like it,
already I could think more clearly.
I needed to break this down into steps,
and step one was to ask Rick to stay with his parents when the kids and I
returned home.
Then again, he now has five million dollars, he can fucking
buy his own house!
Step two was to get advice, and I knew just who to get
it from. I grabbed my phone and dialled Carly. Apart from Mum and Jen, her
voice was one I knew well when it came to discussing my problems.

“Hey, whore, how’s your love
triangle?” If anyone but Carly (okay, maybe Tash, Jade, Lil, or Steph) had said
this to me right now, I would have unleashed hell upon them. But, one— this was
Carly and I never took any insult she said to heart, and two—she had absolutely
no idea what had happened to me since our night out at Opals.

“Hey, yourself. The love triangle
has ruined my marriage.”

She didn’t respond at first,
then opted for the ‘I hope you are kidding’ approach as a lifeline to her now
inappropriate directness. “Ha ha, you’re joking, right?”

“No, Hun, I’m not. I have
left Rick, and have distanced myself from Bryce. I am now officially single so
to speak.”

“Fuck off.”
As always
Carls, there it is!
“Where are you Lex?”

“At Mum and Dad’s farm.”

“Right, I’m on my way, tell
your Mum I’ll bunk with her and Graeme. I’d rather hear her snore than listen
to you fart.” I cracked up laughing even though it was an awful insult.

“Carls, I’m fine, you don’t
need to come up here.”

“Bullshit, I don’t. I’m
coming! Anyway, I need a break from this shit hole I call work.”

“All right, but if you insist
on coming you are sleeping with me, and you are going to have to put up with my
flatulence whether you like it or not, bitch.”

“Deal, I finish work early
today, so I’ll see you just before dinner. What’s for dinner?” I loved her
shamelessness

“I don’t know. I’ll ask.” I
shouted out to Mum who was in the Kitchen. “Mum what’s for dinner?” She came
into my room.

“Roast, why?”

Carly heard the selection and
continued to talk. “Ask her Roast what? It had better be Lamb.”

I moved the phone away from
ear. “Carly wants Roast Lamb.”

Mum smiled. “She does, does
she?”

Carls’ voice squawked through
the phone again. “With Mint Sauce.”
 Eeww Yuk.
I couldn’t eat Mint
anyway, so I wouldn’t be touching that shit. Mum, rolled her eyes and turned
for the door.

“Tell her yes, it’s Lamb, but
she can bring her own bloody Mint Sauce.” I smiled, I loved my Mum, she was
always welcoming and her door was never closed. Carly was like a daughter to
her anyway, so Mum’s refusal of Carly’s self-invitation was never going to
happen.

“Did you hear that Carls?”

“Yeah, hold the phone out
toward your Mum, Alexis” I did what I was told, then heard Carly squawk again.
“Thank you Mary-ann. I love you and your roast lamb.” When Carly was finished
yelling, I put the phone back to my ear. Mum shook her head and smiled as she
walked off.

“You finished?”

“Yeah, Okay. I’ll see you
later, with the Mint Sauce.”

“Bye.” I hung up and felt
better almost instantly, I didn’t want anyone to have to drive to Shepparton
and help poor me get out of this hole I had put myself in, but I couldn’t deny
my relief at Carly’s stubbornness, and her dash to my aid.

***

Carls turned up before dinner
and handed Mum a bottle of Mint Sauce. Mum responded by giving her a light slap
on the arm together with a quick hug. Carls enjoyed her roast lamb, and after a
wine out on the front porch, bed seemed to be calling everyone’s names. Carls
and I both lay in bed whispering for hours that night, like we did as
teenagers. It was just what I needed, filling her in on every tiny detail. She
was blown away by the complexity of the entire situation, and advised me to
tread carefully. She was very carefree, unattached and not held down by
anything or anyone, so her laid-back approach to life and situations came
naturally. My dilemma, however, seemed to have her displaying a cautious side,
which was a side of her I did not see often.

“I seem to be over my initial
emotional rollercoaster now, so that’s a good sign. I guess I’m just at the
stage of weighing out my options. Sounds terrible, doesn’t it? Like putting the
two of them on a scale and seeing which way it tips.”

“If weighing out your options
is what you have to do Lex, then do it.”

We finally fell asleep after
one of our longest deep and meaningful conversations ever.

***

Carls had been snoring which
woke me up earlier than usual.
Maybe she should have slept in with Mum,
afterall?
She was so cute in her pink leopard print PJs, so much so, that I
wanted to give her a kiss. I leaned over and pulled a lipstick out of her makeup
bag,
‘Ravishing Rouge’ perfect.
I put it on thickly, and with a wet wipe
in hand, ready to wipe the evidence off my lips before she noticed, I
forcefully placed a kiss on her forehead.

“Wake up, bitch.” I turned my
head instantly and wiped the red residue off my lips.

“Fuck off, I was sleeping.”
She grumpily turned over, so I pulled the blankets off and flicked the elastic
band on the waist of her pajama pants.

“Get up! You are going to
help me bake a cake today, then we are painting each other’s toenails, while
eating popcorn and watching Bridesmaids.” She opened her eyes ever so slightly
and scowled at me, I had to refrain from laughing, instead grinning at her like
the Cheshire Cat.

“There’s no way I’m eating
popcorn while painting your toe nails, that’s just foul.”

“What? You know what I mean,
get up.”

***

Charli, Nate, Carls and I
trashed Mum’s kitchen but made the yummiest Lemon/Lime Meringue Cake to have
ever existed. Poor Carly had no idea what was ‘so funny’ during breakfast and
the cake making process. My family had all been at the end of one of her jokes
at some stage in their lives, so we all thought it appropriate not to inform
her of the extra set of red lips on her forehead.

Dad decided he would take the
kids to a clearance sale just outside of Shepparton for a couple of hours, allowing
the three of us to conduct pedicures and watch Bridesmaids. In hindsight this
was not a very good idea, because every time you tried to complete a perfectly
steady brush stroke, you would start hysterically laughing and cover your
entire toe. Mum was absolutely hopeless at both the painting and the receiving,
especially during the moment in the movie when the girls were trying on their
dresses, and unfortunately had to suddenly deal with a horrible bout of
vomiting and diarrhoea as a result of food poisoning. She laughed so hard, she
kicked me in the face with her foot, smearing what polish I had put on across
my cheek. Carls thought it was hilarious of course and had mentioned that Karma
was a malicious bitch who always had the last laugh.

***

As we got ready for our night
out, I smiled genuinely for the first time since my heart was torn in two. I
may have been in the love triangle from hell, and in the midst of a fucked up
combination of lust, love, bribery and lies, but strangely enough I was also
grateful, grateful and thankful for my family and friends. I loved them all
dearly, and was blessed to have them in my life. At the end of the day, there
was always somebody far worse off than you, and what you feel to be like the
end of the world, was probably only trivial to them.

CHAPTER
TWENTY

The pub wasn’t enormous by
any means, but as pubs go, this one was definitely on the larger side. I guess
it probably had to be considering it was the only pub in Shepparton that had a
decent band. As you walked through the door, you passed a counter where a
bouncer scanned your ID, which I found hilarious
. Hello ‘Mr Bean on steroids’,
I’m 35, not 17!
I should be flattered really, but I found it laughable when
he seriously scrutinized my licence, then my face, then my licence again. He
almost gave me a complex to the point where I was about to haul arse to a
mirror and check to see I hadn’t morphed into another person. Once he was
satisfied we were who our licences said we were, he waved us through.

We walked down maybe six or
so steps and along a corridor into a spacious underground room. I noticed not
only how busy the pub was, but also the large stage. On it was a lovely black
grand piano, drum kit and all the equipment required of a band, it faced the
bar which was on the opposite wall approximately fifteen metres away, and to
our left spanning that entire wall. We headed straight for it, and were lucky
to secure the last three seats there.

Jen had chosen to be the
designated driver as she wasn’t in favour of a hangover with a 5 a.m. feed
scheduled, and between her and Carly, they had found a complete outfit for me
to wear. I had on a pair of dark denim skinny jeans, black pumps, a white
drapey tank top, and a long layered gold necklace. Carls had also put long
loose curls through my hair, giving me a new look. She did, however, try to
convince me to chop it short, but I didn’t trust her with a pair of scissors,
especially after the ‘lipstick lips’ I had left on her forehead that morning.

“So, what have you been up to
Carls?” Jen hadn’t seen Carly for about a year now, so while they caught up on
each other’s lives I thought I’d catch up on a well needed trip to the toilet.

“I’ll be back in a minute.” I
said as I made my way to the lady’s room. I began the treacherous journey to
the loo, weaving in and out of person upon person, when I came across a small
group of tradesmen. You always know when at least one of them is going to make
a smart arse remark because they snigger to themselves and then look at the one
who either has the biggest balls, or who has had the most to drink and thinks
he is God’s gift to women. I spotted this particular ‘tool’ in question and
prepared myself for the derogative comment which was soon to be fired my way.

“Hey, I like a hot cougar. If
you are looking for a seat I’ve got one right here.” He pointed to his lap. I
kept my steady pace, and as I passed them, I stared him down.

“Cougar? Really? If I were a
Cougar I’d bite your fucking head off, you stupid shit.” I smiled mockingly at
him and continued on my way to the toilet.

***

Pub toilets were always very
interesting. When you first enter, you are automatically greeted with a queue
of at least three other women because for some reason, there are never more the
two cubicles. Secondly, while you wait, you become passively informed of how
one ‘chick is a slapper’ and has been hitting on another ‘chick’s boyfriend’.
If that is not riveting enough, when you finally get into the cubicle you put
your quadriceps through hell as you squat; hovering just above the filthy
toilet seat for fear of touching it. Then, while your thighs tremble and burn,
you gain the ever so life changing information that is written on the walls. So
far I had read, ‘Shaz Luv’s Mick 4 Eva’, ‘Sally Jones was here in 07’, and how
to play ‘Shithouse Tennis’ by following the written directions on the cubicle
walls. Look to your left—
Okay, looking to my left.
Now look to your
right—
Okay, now looking to my right.
Look to your left—
Okay, now
looking back to my left.
Look to your right—
Okay, now looking back to my
right. Fuck! Stupid game.
After looking from one side of the cubicle to the
other and back again, I was now bored and frustrated at myself for falling for
the stupid game in the first place, then to top it all off I discovered there
was an absence of toilet paper.
Fear not, Alexis, you are a human tissue box
at the moment.
I secretly applauded myself for having a tissue and not
having to vigorously shake. I finished up the wonderful ritual of Pub Toileting
by squirting the liquid soap, not in my hand but on the vanity top.
Why do I
always do that?

I made my way back to the
bar, but not before I was greeted with a wolf whistle from my tradesmen ‘friend’.
I politely flipped him the bird and stepped up my pace, now desperate for
something alcoholic.

“Fuck, I hope that clear
looking drink is either Gin or Vodka and that it is for me?” Before waiting for
an answer, I consumed it anyway. The look on my face must’ve said it all
because Carly burst into laughter and Jen looked annoyed. “Jen, water, really?”
I flagged down the barman.

“Yes, water, and I’ll have
another one thanks.” She was clearly annoyed that she was now without a drink,
so I ordered two shots of Black Sambuca for Carly and me, followed by Malibu with
Coke, and replaced Jen’s water supply. All three of us clinked our glasses
together, toasting to a good night ahead. Suddenly, the god-awful squeal from
the microphone along with the annoying tap that usually followed, cleared out
my ear canal.