B00BR2BOUU EBOK (27 page)

 “What are you doing here,
Bryce?” I didn’t bother to ask how he knew I was here, I had accepted the fact
that if he wanted to know something, he would use everything within his power
to learn the answer. If he wanted to know where I was 24/7, then so be it,
there was really nothing I could do about it.

“I can’t be away from you,
Hunny. It’s killing me.”

“You have to be Bryce, I’m
not ready.”

“I can’t.” He gritted his
teeth and it was now clearly visible how tortured he really was.

“You have no choice. I need
space, I need time to think.”

He looked pained. “To think
about what?”

“To think about who I am
going to spend the rest of my life with. Up until yesterday morning, before my
heart was ripped in half and trampled on, I had made that decision and I
couldn’t have been happier. I wanted nothing more than to be with you, but
things have changed, Bryce.”

“Do you love me, Hunny?”

“Yes, I’ve already told you
that.”

“Did you not say that my cock
belonged inside of you, and that you promised I’d be back?” He gently pushed
his body harder against mine, making me gasp very slightly. I closed my eyes in
order to gain back control of my head, my heart and my body. I breathed in and
opened them slowly, catching a slight smirk on his face at his attempt to sway
me.

“Yes, I did, but it is no
longer that simple.”

He moved back again and put
both his hands on the wall on either side of my face.

“It is, Alexis. It is the
most pure and simple thing I know. You and I belong together, you know it and I
know it.”
Fuck.
I grabbed his shirt and aggressively pulled him to me,
kissing him with force and biting his lip. He pushed me harder against the wall
as his tongue moved with mine.
Fuck.
I placed my hands on his chest and
pushed him off me, then slapped him across the face. We were breathing heavily
and burning each other with our eyes. I gently replaced my hands back on his
chest.
Oh, fuck me, his pecks are hard and tensed and ready for me to lace
with my mouth and tongue and...Alexis, stop it.
This time I gently pushed
him back further so that we were no longer touching, and the urge to continue
to orally assault him there and then was not so excruciating.

“Please, Bryce, just give me
some space to get my shit together, to get myself to a point where I don’t
burst into tears just thinking about you and Rick. I can’t be like that, not
around Nate and Charli.”

He seemed to relax a little,
and surrendered his aggressive need. “I can give you time and space, but I
can’t promise how much. It is physically unbearable to be this close to you and
not be able to touch you in all the places I know you like to be touched, and
to taste you in all the places I know you like to be tasted. I can’t promise
you my restraint will last for long.”

I watched his fist clench
open and closed, it was an indication he was struggling right now, so I stepped
aside and out from behind the plastic plant.

“I have to go, Mum and Charli
will wonder where I have gone.” I went to turn for the bistro and he grabbed my
hand again.

“You’ve taken it off.”

I looked back at my bare
fingers. “I’ve taken them all off.”

He looked heartbroken. “I
will not give up on us, Alexis. I will fix this, I promise.”

I gave him a slight smile and
attempted to leave again.

“Alexis.”

“Yes.”

“I love you.”

 I paused only slightly.
Every single inch of me wanted to turn around and jump on him, wrapping my legs
around his waist, then kissing him and telling him I forgave him, and that
everything was fine. But it wasn’t fine, I didn’t trust him anymore and I
didn’t know if I ever could.
Is love enough? Is love without trust enough?

I let out a deep breath,
without looking back. “I love you, too,” then walked back into the bistro.

***

I sat down at the table where
both Mum and Charli were more than half way through their lunch.

“Are you sure you are all
right? You were gone a while, your warm chicken salad is no longer warm.”

“I’m fine, Mum, my tummy is a
little unsettled though.”
That was an understatement!
I tucked myself
into my seat and began to eat lunch, every now and then I would look up. I knew
he had not left yet, but wherever he was hiding, he was very well camouflaged
because I couldn’t see him. Just the knowledge of him being here though, had me
feeling things I should not feel, especially after how much he had hurt me.
I
can’t just forgive him this easily. It’s a sign of weakness, and I am not weak.

“Alexis, darling.” I looked
up at Mum and placed my fork down. I had been annoying a piece of chicken with
it, and I’m sure if the chicken had been alive it would have grabbed my fork
and stabbed itself out of frustration.

“Yeah, Mum?”

“Do you realise how important
your heart is?”

“Maybe, why?”

“Because your heart houses
the love you possess, and when you open your heart and release that love, you
render it fragile and exposed to breaking. Alexis, your heart is strong and not
as fragile as you think. Why? Because it heals darling, it will heal if you let
it. Please let it heal, okay?” Another tear escaped my eye, even though I willed
it not to. Mum’s words could not be more appropriate, and I loved her dearly
for encouraging me to let my heart heal. I blew her a kiss, then winked at
Charli while trying to wipe away the teardrop before she noticed it.

“Mum, what’s wrong with your
heart?” Charli asked.

“Nothing, sweetie, I’m just
learning how to make it strong.”

“Why isn’t it strong?” Mum
went to interrupt and divert Charli’s questioning, but I stopped her.

“Charli, inside your heart is
love. I have love in my heart that I give to you and to Nate and to Daddy and
to whomever I want to give it.”

Charli butted in, “I give my
love to you, too, don’t I?”

“Yes you do, and it’s one of
my most favourite loves in the world.” This made her smile. “Sweetheart,
sometimes when you give your love to someone and they don’t give their love
back to you, it hurts your heart and makes it weak. That’s why we have to learn
to make it strong, so that it doesn’t hurt anymore.” She nodded as she tried to
understand.

“So, Mum, who didn’t give
their love back to you?”
Crap, now I’ve put my foot in it.
“No one,
Charli bear, I’m just making it stronger in case that happens, okay?”
Good
save.

“Okay, well it won’t be me,
or Nate or Daddy, because we always give our love to you.”

“You are adorable, my baby
girl, now hurry up and finish your lunch.”

***

Before we headed back to the
farm, we picked up some chicken feed pellets and decided to call into Jen’s house
for a coffee. While Mum and Charli were playing with Olivia and the twins, I
filled Jen in on the developments with Bryce and Rick.

“Bryce is here? In
Shepparton?”

“Yeah, trust me, ‘It’s what
he does’.” I giggled to myself when I said it. Jen didn’t get my private joke,
and I didn’t elaborate. She just reiterated that time and space, were my best
friends. Until they became annoying bitches, and of course in that case, piss
them off and find some new ones. Preferably ‘alcohol and dancing’, now they
were friends who could show you a great time. Okay, well that wasn’t her
analogy, it was more mine.

“Just pace yourself, Lex, and
don’t make any rushed decisions.”

“I know, I know. So, Thursday
night we are going to the pub to check out the band, like old times. Ok?” I
half expected her to ‘Um’ and ‘Ah’, but she didn’t, instead she lowered her
voice to a whisper.

“You have no idea how good
that fucking sounds, I need a night out away from, crayon drawings on the wall,
mushed food in the carpets, and ‘poo-splosions’ in nappies.”

 I laughed. “It’s a date then.
Pick me up at about 8 p.m., okay? Oh, and bring some tops with you. My clothing
is in short supply, I had not planned on staying up here when I packed.”

***

The rest of that day was
pretty uneventful after our quick stop over at Jen’s. When we got back to the
farm, I gave Charli, Nate, and Mum there gifts from Uluru, luckily I’d put them
directly in the car after we got back. Nate had been trying for nearly an hour
to master the boomerang, most of his attempts were a fail, but towards the end,
a couple of throws had started to make their way back to him. Charli adored her
necklace, and even Mum was pretty pleased with her new tea towels. I pulled out
the spoon I had bought Tash, I hadn’t spoken to her, and knew that if I didn’t
call her soon I would incur her wrath, which was not pleasant. I dialled her
number, and she answered very quickly.

“Hey, Lex, I’ve been worried
about you. How have you been, Luv?”

“Oh, Tash, you have no idea.”
I explained very briefly what had transpired since our last chat in Yulara. She
was completely shocked and lost for words, which did not happen to Tash, ever!

“Shit! I’m coming there to
see you.”

“No, don’t be silly. I’m
fine, I’ve got Mum and Jen, and they’ve been a god send.”

“Are you sure, Lex? This is a
really, REALLY horrible situation you’re in.”

“Tell me about it, Tash. I
appreciate the offer, I do, but it is a long way to come. Listen, I’m going to
head back with the kids on Friday, I have decided Rick can stay with his
parents for a while, until I have at least figured out where we stand. Speak to
the girls and see if they want to catch up for a drink and a dance Saturday
night, I think I need it.”

“Okay, sounds good. I’ll let
you know... And Lex? I know I don’t say this often, but you are an amazingly
strong and level-headed person, well, level-headed person when Schnappies
aren’t involved.”  I laughed. “No, seriously Lex, you will be fine, and you
will make the right decision whichever one it is.”

“Thanks, Hun, I know. I just
need to focus on other things and clear my head. What will be, will be.”

She went to start singing.
“Que Sera...”

“Don’t even go there, you
idiot.”

She laughed and stopped. “Not
going there, I promise.”

“Gotta go. I’ll talk to you
soon, bye.” I hung up the phone and shook my head. What would I do without that
crazy bitch?

***

The next few days went by
quite quickly. I kept myself busy by helping Mum and Dad where I could. Tuesday
was gardening day, and Dad showed Nate how to use the ride-on mower. Nate was a
natural, so Dad got a chance to read the newspaper and drink a cup of tea while
the lawns were happily mowed. Charli, Mum, and I tackled the garden beds. I
enjoyed gardening—it was therapeutic, what you gained for your time and hard work
in amongst the soil, always proved to be a great reward. That reward could be a
beautiful display of colourful blooms, or home grown fruit, vegetables and
herbs, or even just being out in the fresh air working with Mother Nature.

Wednesday, so far, had not been
a good day at all, we were all indoors seeking the air-conditioned relief as
the temperature outside was close to 40 Degrees Celsius. The kids were restless
and fighting over what movies to watch, Mum hated extreme heat and complained
every five minutes, and Dad was frustrated at the fact he was now forced to sit
on his arse and forgo the jobs he had lined up. I however, found myself
pondering, I couldn’t help it. Keeping busy and diverting my mind from thoughts
of Rick and Bryce, who I had now collectively named ‘Brick’—
Brick,
seriously? Alexis you are a freak—
had been a successful way to avoid any
pondering.

Unfortunately, with the
stifling heat and lack of anything to do because of it, I had no choice but to contemplate
my situation and it was depressing me.
This is what you are here for Alexis,
to ponder, to decipher, and to figure out what to do.
It was probably the
most difficult decision I would ever have to make, and I couldn’t just make it
on a whim. I was in love with Bryce, but could I trust him not to omit things
from me in the future? I wanted to be with him more than anything, but I had
two children who would have to want to be in that life too, not to mention
Bryce would have to want them in our life, which I didn’t know if he did or
not? It wasn’t something we had ever discussed. Then there was Rick, I loved
him also. He was stupid, naive, and money hungry, but he had never cheated on
me. And we had shared a wonderful life together before all this happened. It
was just so complicated.
Single life isn’t complicated Alexis.
Yes, if I
were single I wouldn’t have to deal with any of this shit.
Single again?
The
thought actually terrified me. I hadn’t been single since I was seventeen. Not
to mention the dreadful thought of being a single mother, that would be no easy
task. But, maybe that’s what I needed to do, wipe the slate clean, be free to
make the best decision for me and the kids.
No Alexis, it’s ridiculous.
But was it?