Awakenings - SF1 (63 page)

Jamie lowered herself over Ryan's mouth and let out a low growl as that warm mouth captured a throbbing breast. She raised and lowered herself repeatedly as each breast was loved in turn. Ryan's hips were nearly off the bed as she clung desperately to her.

Jamie felt herself nearing climax as Ryan bit down on a tender breast. She threw her head back and felt herself release as wave after wave of sensation coursed down her body. She was unable to support herself on her shaking arms and she felt herself collapse onto Ryan's powerful chest.

A loud thunderclap rumbled through the house. Jamie sat bolt upright in bed and whipped her head around trying to make sense of where she was. She focused her senses and found that she was fully clothed. She looked to her left and found a peacefully sleeping Ryan.
Oh my God, was that a dream?!

She lay back down and let the dream wash over her again.
I have never felt anything so real! Touching her and being touched felt so completely erotic. I don't think I've ever been that aroused.

Thoughts and sensations fought for space in her overtaxed brain.
Why did I dream about Ryan like that? Is it just because I'm a little high and she's lying so close to me? I mean every woman at that bar wanted her. If I'm going to fantasize about a woman why not choose Ryan?

I'd give anything to be able to respond to Jack like that. Why can't I just accept what he's able to give me and get on with my life? It's not like there's anything wrong with him. He's really a lovely man. I just wish he could excite me half as much as I was in that dream.

The alarm sounded at 6:30 a.m. Jamie stuck an arm out of the covers and slapped it with her hand. She groaned as she opened her eyes and saw the time. She turned and saw Ryan gazing over at her with a big smile on her alert face. "You're not a morning person, are you?" she observed happily.

Jamie merely responded by covering her head with the pillow. She felt Ryan hop out of bed and found herself falling back to sleep when she heard the shower running. When Ryan was finished in the bathroom she came over and perched on the side of the bed. She was wrapped in a huge bath sheet and she debated whether to put her nice clothes back on or try to get away with wearing Jacks sweats. While she debated her wardrobe choices she decided to wake Jamie. She looked down at her friend, so peaceful and serene in sleep. She contemplated a gentle way to wake her; finally letting her evil side win. She threw the covers back as she climbed onto the bed and began to tickle her mercilessly. Jamie giggled and thrashed about on the bed as Ryan refused to let her go. There was a very brief knock on the door that occurred almost simultaneously to it being thrown open.

Cassie opened the door a bit and stuck her head in. Ryan was mostly covered by the bath sheet but she was straddling a wildly twitching Jamie. Their hands were locked together as they fought but the open door caused them both to freeze in place. Both women caught the expression on Cassie's face that was a mixture of glee and revulsion. "Jack's on the phone," she said as she ignored Ryan's presence and their very compromised position. "He said he called you yesterday to wish you a happy birthday, but you were obviously...out. Do you want to speak to him...or are you too... busy?" she said innocently.

"Of course I'll speak to him. Just give me a second," she said as she hopped up and dashed to the bathroom.

Cassie went back downstairs and was speaking with Jack when Jamie picked up the upstairs extension. "You can hang up now, Cassie. I've got it." Cassie signed off and Jamie greeted him. "Hi
,
honey, thanks for calling. Sorry I missed you last night."

"Isn't it a little early to have visitors, Jamie?" he inquired softly.

She sighed deeply as her hopes were dashed that Cassie had been discrete. "Do you want me to answer that or was that a rhetorical question, Jack?"

"I suppose it might as well be rhetorical. I don't feel that I ever get the whole truth out of you anymore," he replied.

"If you want to know why Ryan is here you can ask me. I don't lie to you Jack, and if you don't know that we've really got problems."

"I'm not sure that I do know that, but I would agree that we most definitely do have problems. I hope you had a nice birthday, Jamie. I'll see you tonight if you're still planning on coming down." He hung up before she could form a reply.

This is a big deal, Jamie. You can't continue to ignore the fact that Cassie is making him nuts about this. Look at it from his perspective...to him, Ryan is the same as a guy. All he knows is that you were in bed with someone who he believes is sexually interested in you. Cassie probably made it sound even worse than it was...which wouldn't actually be hard to do,
she admitted.

But even though she knew that the last two weeks had been very damaging to her relationship, and that she should be concentrating on that, she could not help thinking about Ryan.
I cannot believe that I kissed her like that! God, I can't believe how incredibly soft her lips were. So much different than kissing a man. It was just like melting into the softest thing I can imagine. And what in the hell must she have been thinking? She wasn't as buzzed as I was, and she's always in such control. Did she enjoy it too? I know I should bring it up or apologize or something, but I don't think I can.

Her stomach was in such turmoil that she was only able to get down a diet 7-up for breakfast. Ryan bought her story about being a bit hung over so she didn't give her too hard of a time about not eating. Now lunch was coming up but there was no way she could even think of eating.

I've got to talk to Jack. Obviously I can't concentrate today anyway; maybe I'll drive down to Stanford and look for him. What the hell. I'll take my bike and ride around campus for a couple of hours to get rid of some of this stress.

An hour later she was furiously pedaling around the campus. She knew he had a long class on Friday afternoon, but she seemed to remember that it was over at 3.
I think that's his last class of the day so I should be able to find him.

At 2:45 she was riding up and down the street where most of the law buildings were housed.
Oh, there's his law review partner. She'll know where he is.
"Hey, Natalie!" she called out.

"Oh, hi Jamie," she replied with less warmth that she usually exhibited. "Looking for Jack?"

"Yeah. Do you know where he is?"

"He's just getting out of his 'Secured Transactions' class. I'm supposed to meet him here to go over some things. But...um...I'll just go to the law review office. Ask him to come over there when you're done talking." She looked a little uncomfortable as she added, "Good luck."

A few minutes later he came around the corner with a neutral expression on his face. But the moment he saw Jamie his eyes narrowed and his entire demeanor became rigid. "I saw Natalie and asked her if I could talk to you for a few minutes before you get together. She said she'll meet you in the law review office. Can we please go somewhere quiet for a little while?"

"Sure. Let's go over to one of those benches," he said, pointing to a quiet picnic bench in a grove of pine trees.

She walked her bike as he walked beside her in silence. She climbed up to sit on the table and he sat on the bench so that her head was a little higher than his. "Will you talk to me about how you're feeling?" she asked gently.

He stared straight ahead for a few moments until he finally said, "I'm confused, Jamie. I'm more confused than I've ever been. Were things really so bad for you before? I really thought we were happy, but maybe I was deluding myself."

"No, Jack, that's not true. I was happy before, we were happy before. And we still have really good times together. I know this is a hard period of adjustment for both of us, but I promise it can be even better when we get through it. I know it seems like I've changed an awful lot, but deep down inside I don't think I've changed at all. I think I was just afraid to let my real self out before. I was trying to be the woman that my father and mother wanted me to be. Then I wanted to be the woman you wanted. Now I'm just trying to be who I am. I know it's difficult but I think I'm getting to the real me. And in the long run I think that's the only way you and I can be happy together. We both have to have the freedom to be ourselves."

"I'm not really sure what you mean by freedom," he said slowly. "Have I been stopping you from doing what you want?"

"No, not really," she admitted. "But you're not always as supportive as I would like. The AIDS ride is really important to me, and you just don't seem to have any interest in how my training is going. And you don't seem interested in my schoolwork. You used to ask me questions about my classes, but you don't anymore."

He looked down at the ground for a few moments as he pondered this. "You're right. I haven't been supportive. It's just that since Ryan is so intrinsically involved in the ride I try to steer clear of the topic. I don't think we've ever discussed her without a fight, so I guess I do avoid asking you about it just to keep the peace."

"But we can't live like that, Jack. You have to be able to tell me when things bother you, it doesn't help to avoid topics."

He looked at her for a moment and nodded his head slowly. "Okay, Jamie, I think that Ryan's continued influence is harming our relationship. I would feel much better and more secure if you would stop seeing her."

She took in a deep breath before she replied. "That's not talking about your feelings, Jack. That's just telling me what to do," she explained. "I want you to talk about how my friendship with Ryan affects you. But I can't stop seeing her just because it bothers you. What if it bothered you that I was in college? Should I drop out?"

"If you chose to go to college in New Zealand or Japan, and we could never see each other, and I couldn't afford to talk to you on the phone? Yes, you should drop out if it was harming our relationship. I'm not asking you to get my approval over all of your friends. I'm just telling you that this particular friend is a real threat."

"But she's not, Jack! That's the point. She's only harming our relationship because you perceive that she does." She reached down and rested her hand on his shoulder as she looked into his eyes. "This is just the type of issue that we're going to have again and again in our relationship. There are going to be choices we make that the other is not going to be happy with. But this is me. I have needs just like you do. And one of my primary needs is for the freedom to chose my friends and my activities."

He looked up at her in reflective silence for a few minutes. He gazed at her face carefully, starting with her eyes. She felt like she was on display but she allowed the discomfort since he seemed to need to do this. "Okay," he finally said. "I think I'm finally starting to understand. This isn't just some temporary thing. You are just showing me for the first time who you really are. And it seems that one of the things that's most different is your independence. You want to be able to make your own decisions without regard for how it affects me or your parents. Right?"

"Well, I wouldn't say without regard, but that's essentially correct. I need to do the things that are important to me even if the people that I love aren't that crazy about them."

"Like when you told Stephanie that you weren't going to have children for several years," he said by way of another example.

"Exactly," she said, happy that he was finally beginning to understand. "I know that's something that we haven't really talked about but I want to go to grad school, or spend a few years writing. I don't think I'll be ready to have kids for at least 5 years."

"I see," he said rather neutrally. "Well, it is your body, so I guess the decision rests with you."

"Well, no, not completely, Jack. Your opinion matters too. Either of us has veto power over something like that. We both have to say yes at the same time. I wouldn't get pregnant if you didn't think you were ready yet," she explained.

"Okay," he said. "I think I understand. I need to go see Natalie now, so..."

"Are we okay?" she asked tentatively.

"I'm glad you came down, Jamie. I appreciate that you went out of your way to clear some things up," he said as he reached up to kiss her lightly. "I'll see you later," he said as he got up and strode away.

Did that go well?
she wondered.
He seemed so flat, but he did sound like he finally understood my point. I guess time will tell.

When he arrived home they discussed neither Jamie's birthday nor their subsequent fight.
As usual, we ignore the things that cause the most strain in our relationship. It amazes me that he still hasn't asked why she was in my bed. If another man slept with him I'd like to know why!
They spent their evening as they usually did. Jamie made dinner and later watched a movie while Jack read. When they went to bed he made love to her, but she could tell that he was not very emotionally connected. Normally he spent a lot of time looking into her eyes while they made love. But this time he broke off eye contact just a few moments after he entered her. He buried his head in her shoulder and just pumped away, almost like he was forcing himself to finish. She did not have an orgasm and for the first time that she could remember he was not concerned about that fact. When he was finished he merely kissed her on the cheek and wrapped his arms around her. He was asleep in moments but she was awake for hours, feeling partially aroused and rather lonely even in his embrace.