Awake (8 page)

Mum pursed her lips the way she always did when she was tired of a subject. It was the look she gave Jeremy when he was ten and absolutely needed a mobile phone. It was the look that she gave me when I absolutely needed to go to Disney Land. Both times.

“Okay.”

Her hesitance gave me second thoughts. I hated that talking about it was so hard for both of them. I opened my mouth but quickly closed it again and shook my head. “Never mind. They’re just stupid dreams.”

“They are just dreams, but if they’re bothering you they’re not stupid,” Mum said. She may have said the words but the stiffness in her posture and moisture in her eyes told me she didn’t want to have this conversation at all. I watched her lick her lips twice and clench her hands around over her knees so hard her tendons popped up.

Her fear frightened me. How could I make her relive that when it hurt her so much? “Thanks, but I’m okay actually. It just freaked me out, especially since I have a four-year gap in my memory; that’s all.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?”

“Yeah, I’m sure. I made a decision to leave my memory thing in the past so that’s what I’m going to do. I just want to be better and get on with my life.” I said the words but I didn’t believe them, not completely. After remembering – or thinking I remembered – snippets from my childhood, I really wanted to know it all. But my parents weren’t the most approachable on the subject and I didn’t know how to talk to them.

“We’re glad to hear you say that, sweetheart, we just want you to be happy,” Dad said. They both looked relieved.

“Thanks. I’m going to lie down in bed for a while. Send Noah up when he gets here, please,” I said.

“Of course,” Mum replied faintly.

I smiled and walked out, going to my bedroom. They only made me feel guilty for wanting answers and it was exhausting. Plus Noah replied saying he was on his way and I’d much rather focus on that.

I’d just changed into an oversized knitted top and leggings when he walked in. He wouldn’t care about seeing me in my pyjamas but I felt more human in clothes.

He sat down beside me on my bed and gave me a chaste kiss. “Hey,” he said, flashing me his cute smile I loved so much.

“Hi.” I instantly relaxed. Being around him was the best.

“How’re you feeling?”

“Cramped. Want to get out but…”

“Where do you want to go?”

“I’d settle for anywhere outside right now.”

He stood and held his hand out. “Your wish is my command.”

Noah helped me up, still worried about my lightly bruised ribs. Honestly, they were fine as long as I didn’t start doing somersaults. “Thanks. I need to tell Mum where we go.” Where were we going?

“Already done. She said you were plotting your escape when she let me in. I’m allowed to take you into the garden.”

I wanted to pout and whine.
We don’t have a hammock.
But I really wanted light that didn’t come from a bulb.

We went out and sat on the bench. I curled my legs, leaning against his side as he wrapped his arm around my back. “Oh God, I’ll never take fresh air for granted again.”

“You really have been going crazy in bed, haven’t you?”

“Yeah. Normally I’d love to lay in bed all day but when I
have
to, it stops being fun.”

“You are a child,” he teased.

“A child? You looking for an argument there?” I teased.

He frowned and tapped the side of his leg. “No, I don’t enjoy arguing with you.”

“Oh, come on, it was once and you could barely call that and argument. People do fight, though, Noah.” His frown deepened and I realised he was so not used to people arguing. “Come on, your parents never fight?”

“No, actually. They sit down and discuss things a lot but they have never shouted.”

My parents didn’t scream at each other but I’d heard them bicker. Everyone did it, or so I thought. “Wow, we really did have a different upbringing.” Noah’s family were organic vegetarians and although we didn’t eat a whole lot of unhealthy things in my house, I definitely liked junk food and fast food.

“Opposites attract, though, right?” He smiled but I could tell his mind was off somewhere else.

“Definitely, look at Penny and Leonard.”

He frowned. “Who?”

“Never mind, just remind me to make you watch
The Big Bang Theory
sometime. All that matters is that we’re fine, me and my Dad are getting better, and we have another week before school starts again.”

“Alright. What do you want to do this week?”

“Cinema? Theme park?”

“Yes to the first, no to the second. You can’t seriously be thinking about riding rollercoasters when you’ve just been in a car accident.”

“Well, I wouldn’t do the rollercoasters but maybe we can save that until the summer holidays.”

He did that going far away thing again. I hated that; it was obvious something was on his mind but he never said anything.

“You okay?” I asked.

“I’m fine.”

“You’re not moving, are you?” I felt my world slow down a little. He couldn’t just leave.

“What? No, I’m not going anywhere. What made you ask that?”

“I don’t know. You went all spaced out.”

“Sorry, it’s nothing. Finn is missing home, him visiting my aunt in Ireland last week didn’t help, and I’m not sure what to do to make it better. Things here are a lot different.”

“Does he want to go back?”

Finn was nineteen, plenty old enough to live by himself so he could go if he didn’t like it here. But I didn’t think he’d leave his family because they were all really close. Selfishly, I didn’t want Noah to leave, but I also didn’t want his family to be unhappy.

“He wants to but he wouldn’t. I think my parents are considering going home when I’ve finished school.”

There it was, the panic. That was far away enough to have my life and happiness completely linked and wound around him, even more than it already was.

He laughed and kissed me. “Don’t look so scared, although it’s nice to know how you feel, I won’t be going with them. I’ll be old enough to live alone, and I’ll stay for university here.” He smiled shyly and added, “Well, I’ll stay for you.”

I bit my lip and then kissed him because I wasn’t sure what to say or how to express how much I loved him. I almost blurted the words out but we hadn’t said that yet. He would stay with me when his family left. I
should
have just told him what he made me feel.

Confiding in my parents about my memories wasn’t an option but I could with Noah. I trusted him. Evelyn’s big, innocent eyes seemed to watch me constantly. Every picture of Jeremy I saw she was there.

“You were right,” I said when we pulled away. “I know this is a total conversation changer, but I do need to try to face whatever happened to me when I was a kid. After my dreams, I’m so ready to.”
I need to know who Evelyn is and why I feel like I know her.

He winced and lowered his head. “No, I’m sorry about that. I pushed and I shouldn’t have. Things like that happen and just because I thought it was strange didn’t give me the right to make you question your decision to let it go. I was wrong, Scarlett. Maybe you
should
leave it for now?”

“I don’t want to and even if I did I couldn’t. It’s not a bad thing that you got me thinking about it again. I always would’ve liked to know, it’s just now I
need
to. Will you help me?” He hesitated before dipping his chin in agreement. “Thank you.”

“So, what are you going to do exactly?”

“I’m not sure yet. I’m going to write the dreams down. Every time I have one, I remember a tiny bit more, although nothing extra really happens, I don’t think. Maybe the more I write them down, the more will come back to me about my past?”

“Alright. You could also try talking to me or your parents, though.”

“I don’t think I can. They’re clearly uncomfortable talking about it.”

“I’m sure it’s difficult for them but surely they’ll do it if it’s best for you?”

“Probably, but I don’t like making them feel bad. If I can remember without hurting my parents, then that’s what I’ll do.”

“Fair enough.”

“I can’t get Evelyn off my mind. I still see her so clearly as she ran past me with Jer.”

“You’re convinced she’s a person and not a doll.”

There was no doubt. “One hundred per cent. But that means my parents are lying to me, and I don’t like that.”

“Understandable. Perhaps there’s a good reason.”

“Such as?”

“I don’t know, something horrible could have happened to her, maybe in the fire, and they don’t want to upset you.”

Perhaps, but that possible reason wasn’t strong enough. “I don’t mean to sound like a terrible person here, but I don’t remember her, I don’t know if we were friends, they could tell me if a stranger died.”

“What if you two were close?”

A cold shudder ran the length of my spine.
No!
She was playing with Jeremy. A sister? My pulse started thumping in my ears. What if she was a sister and she died in the fire? They wouldn’t talk about the fire because it was too painful, maybe that was why.

“Hey, you okay?”

I shook my head slowly, eyes filling with tears. “What if she was? What if I’m pushing my parents and Jeremy to talk about something as horrific as their daughter, our sister, dying in a fire? They managed to get me and Jeremy out, perhaps they couldn’t get to Evelyn.”

His eyes widened. “Shh, don’t do that. I didn’t mean closer than a friend. It’s just one possibility that, right now, is completely unfounded. Please don’t beat yourself up and feel guilty over something that is probably untrue.”

“You’re right, but what if she was my sister?”

“I don’t know, Scarlett. I really think you should talk to your parents.”

I shook my head. “No. No way they would hold that back. I know them and they would never pretend a child they had didn’t exist. Also, Jeremy would have asked about her growing up and he didn’t.”

“Exactly. She couldn’t have been their daughter. You need to speak to your parents.”

I nodded. “I know.” It just wasn’t that easy.

Scarlett

“HI, SCARLETT,” BETHAN
said, pushing a plate of cookies towards me and Noah.

“Hey. Thanks,” I replied, taking one with a big cluster of chocolate chips on top and trying not to yawn. Since I started dreaming – always the same ones – I’ve been tired almost all of the time. Every night I’d wake up in the early hours, sweating over seeing flames and feeling emotionally drained over worrying who Evelyn was and why Mum was never herself.

This morning, I’d jumped awake when flames encased Evelyn, she still looked at me and then followed Jeremy through the fire until I couldn’t see either of them anymore. I was terrified and panting and knew there was no way I would get back to sleep whether it was five in the morning or not.

No matter where I was or what I was doing, something brought me back to her. Any little girl with a similar shade of light brown hair and big blue eyes would shoot Evelyn to the forefront of my mind for the rest of the day. It was too irrational to feel…close to someone I couldn’t remember. I had no idea who Evelyn was but I knew she was important and that I cared about her.

Noah sat on the stool beside me, leaning over so our arms were touching. I loved it when he did that.

I was completely healed and just in time for school to start up again. I was still going crazy over not remembering but Noah said when he thought I was completely better he’d try to help. Right now I was just enjoying spending time with him and seeing my friends again. I wanted to be normal for a while and not let Evelyn consume my thoughts.

“How was school?” Bethan asked.

“It was alright,” Noah replied. “What’s for dinner?”

“Casserole. Are you staying, Scarlett?”

“If that’s okay?”

Bethan smiled, leaning on the counter. “Of course it is. It’s strange when you are not here.”

Yeah, me and Noah were joined at the hip, but I was pretty sure he was my future husband, so I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible.

“You should let her stay over then,” Noah said, stroking his hand up and down my back.

Bethan smirked. “Nice try.”

I wondered how long before they would let us stay over at each other’s. It would be so cool to wake up and at least be in the same house as him. But I doubted that was happening before I was eighteen.

“Anyway, we have to go,” Noah said.

“Shopping, right?” Bethan asked.

“Yes,” he replied. “We’ll try to be back for dinner unless Scarlett can’t find the right shade of lipstick, then we’ll be late.”

I narrowed my eyes at him as he winked. He knew I didn’t even wear lipstick. What he didn’t know, though, was that we weren’t going shopping. I was taking control of my memory problem and trying something that wouldn’t hurt my parents. They were a last resort.

After the sleepless nights had rolled on, I knew writing my dreams down wasn’t helping. I never saw anything new when I was asleep. I had the same dreams over and over. What I needed was professional help, so I’d made an appointment.

“Alright, that’s fine. I’ll save you some if you are not back. Whatever happens remember to have Scarlett home by nine, even if you are later.”