Avowed (The Manipulation Trilogy Book 3) (6 page)

CHAPTER SIX

October 2
nd
2014

Damon

“Damon, it’s okay. I’m here,” Ella soothes. I’m clinging to her with a death grip, making sure she’s really okay. Dreams have been haunting me for years, never giving me peace. The dreams have never been like this though. Not twisted. That dream was a mix of reality and my fears.

“Ella,” I gasp. Sweat is coating my shaking body, the bed sheets damp and twisted around my body. Fuck. I hope I didn’t thrash about and hit Ella. Will I ever be free of Lydia Knight?

I pull back to look into her eyes, taking a deep breath when I see she’s really is here, not dead. There is so much Ella doesn’t know. So much she can’t know because if she did, she wouldn’t love her sister so much. There would be no missing pieces of her heart for her sister.

Telling Ella will break her.

I’m not even sure she’ll believe me but I have to. I can only hope she lets me explain everything before she decides if she can stay with the monster in me.

“Beauty,” I whisper. “I can’t lose you.”

“You won’t.” I can see and hear the pain in her at seeing me such a mess. I feel like a fucking pussy needing reassurance from her, but I can’t lose her. She’s my fucking life.

I breathe for her.

I live for her.

I need her.

I pull her body against mine, settling her body flush with me – as flush as our growing daughter will allow. My heart calms at the feel of hers, our hearts beating in sync. Breathing her in, drawing from her strength, I know I have to start telling her my sins, but I need to start with the easier stuff.

How did I ever live without her? She makes everything bad in my life better. She makes loving her easy. She takes the darkness away.

“Ella I fucking love you.”

“I love you too.” The sincerity in her voice soothes me. She really does love me. I just hope it’s enough love to forgive me.

“Do you want to talk about your dream Damon?”

“Not really,” I sigh. I really don’t want to tell her.

“What was it about?”

“Lydia.” That one name makes Ella go rigid in my embrace. My hands sweep down the length of her spine and back up in a calming gesture, trying to ease her stress. I know she thinks everything that needs to be said has already been put out there, but it hasn’t. I have a lot to say.

“Will you tell me about her?” she asks quietly. “What really happened with Lydia, Damon?”

Her question shocks me. I expected her to ask me questions days ago but she didn’t, and I just figured she didn’t give a shit. To tell her this I’m going to have to tell her more than I’m ready to, but I know I have to.

“What do you want to know Ella? I don’t want to hurt and upset you.”

“Everything. I want to know
everything
Damon. She loved you. Really loved you. She thought you loved her too but I want to truth. What really happened with my sister and you?”

I shut my eyes and take a steadying breath, not knowing what to say or where to start. This is so much fucking harder than I ever thought it would be.

“Damon, just tell me what happened to my sister. I need to know. I know she wasn’t well, I know it wasn’t what I thought happened, and it wasn’t what she wrote.” She pauses and takes a deep breath. “She came to work for you and instantly fell for you. How did that happen?”

I sigh. I don’t even know the details of how everything happened. I can pinpoint bits but not much when it comes to Lydia.

“I don’t know Ella,” I say honestly.

“What? How can you not know?” she says with confusion. “She started working for you. You started taking her out on dates, and she fell for you. Hard. I just want to know everything you know Damon. Why you broke up with her, what happened after you broke up. I want to know it all Damon. Everything you know,” she pleads.

I sit in stunned silence at her words as her eyes pierce into me, but I don’t look at her.
What the fuck?
None of that happened, apart from her working for me none of that is true. Is this really what Ella has believed these past three years? That I played her sister and hurt her on purpose? I might be a monster with blood on my hands but I never did any of it on purpose. I didn’t want to make the mistakes I did, but it happened.

I need to make my beauty understand. She needs to know the truth. She has it all fucking wrong. Where she got these atrocious ideas is beyond me. 

“Baby,” I whisper, trying to find the right words. “It didn’t happen like that. I never took your sister out Ella.
Never
.” I say with as much conviction as I can as I lift my eyes to hers, pleading with her to believe me. “She came to business dinners with me but that’s it.”

Ella frowns at me and I watch as a million questions pass through her forest green eyes as she searches mine, looking for the truth. She swallows hard before finally speaking.

“You didn’t have a relationship with her at all? Not even sex?” I shake my head no. “I don’t understand. Tell me everything from your perspective Damon because that’s not what Lydia thought. She worked for you and you fired her but she loved you.” Ella pauses, closing her eyes. “What did she do?” she finishes on a whisper, her breath hitching.  

“She was shy at first but a damn good PA. Within days of her starting to work for me she had everything organised, and made my work life easier,” I tell her honestly. “I don’t know when lines got crossed in her mind, but she went from shy to flirty in a couple of weeks. Just innocent touches at first but it soon turned inappropriate. She started getting snippy with clients at meetings if they were female, and she would place her hands on me like she had a claim. I decided the best way to handle it was to pull her aside and let her know we had a professional relationship only. She took it well and for a week she seemed okay. She went back to working and acting professionally again.”

I stop, trying to gather my thoughts on what happened. Ella sits quietly as she waits for me to continue. She’s concentrating on my words like they’re puzzle pieces she’s trying to fit together.

“I’d catch her just standing at the door staring at me, and when I’d ask if she was okay she’d just walk away.” I frown, remembering the amount of times I caught her just watching me. It was fucking strange. “She sort of shut off for a few days, just staring into space a lot. It was like she wasn’t there in mind but was in body, but she snapped out of that and went right back to being friendly with a little flirt.”

“When she started rubbing against me and being overly flirty again I decided to make myself seem unavailable, hoping she’d move on, but she didn’t. I’d been invited to a black and white ball but I wasn’t going to go. They bore the shit out of me. When Lydia began being inappropriate again I decided to go and take a friend to try and get her to back off. The next day she didn’t turn up at work. She went to see my mum and dad instead.” Ella gasps, bringing her hand up to her mouth in shock. Her eyes are wide with dread. I fucking hate stressing her out and I can see this is. 

“Ella, are you sure you want to hear more?” She nods her head, not able to speak. I sigh as I bring my hands to her bump. “I was scared when my dad called to tell me she was there. I remember the fear I felt because Lydia’s mood changes were erratic in just a few weeks. Fear settled in my gut, eating away at me, as I raced to get there.” I stop, shaking my head. I didn’t think she’d ever hurt anyone but I shit myself at what she was doing there. She had no reason to be.

“I knew the situation was worse when she tried telling my parents we were in love.” I look into Ella’s tear filled eyes. She places a compassionate hand on my cheek as she looks down at me. “I wasn’t sure what to do beauty. I didn’t want to involve the police and get her in trouble.”

“Why?” she asks, astonished. I shake my head at her. I can’t explain that yet.

“She introduced herself to Spencer the next day, telling him she was my girlfriend. Spence knows me well and told her she was full of shit. He said she went batshit crazy, screaming at him and they had to throw her out the club where they were.” Ella silently cries, but doesn’t take her eyes from mine.

“She began turning up everywhere I was. She’d make scenes when I was at lunch meetings, accusing me of letting her down for our lunch dates. She was making clients uncomfortable so I had no choice but to let her go.”

“I had to protect my family, and when she slapped Leona I knew she’d become unhinged. Spencer told me to get a restraining order but I couldn’t do it. She needed help, not to be arrested. When she slapped Leona I knew I needed to help her. I tried talking to her but she kept saying I set her up. She said I’d ask her to dinner and lunch only to be there with someone else. I couldn’t fucking get through to her. She wasn’t hearing me at all. It was like she was in another world.”

“Lydia’s following me escalated and when she badly attacked Abbi just for talking to me, I knew I had no choice but to get a restraining order so she couldn’t go near my family.”

“You didn’t get one for you?” Ella gasps.

“No,” I say and shake my head at the same time. “I wanted to help her but I needed to take care of Abigail. She was a mess. Every time I saw Lydia following me I tried to go talk to her but she’d leave quickly. I could never fucking catch her.” My heart pounds against my ribs as I remember everything that happened next.

“Why weren’t the police involved? How did she get away with attacking Abbi?” Ella asks, as her body shakes through her sobs. 

“I spent the week trying to track her down but I was too late. I’m so fucking sorry beauty. I was too late,” I choke out. My emotions are drowning me. “It’s my fault you sister is dead. I couldn’t get to her to save her. She needed help and I couldn’t fucking get it for her.”

Ella pulls back, shocked before her face hardens.

“No! No, Damon. You don’t do that,” Ella says, tightly gripping my chin in her hand. “It wasn’t your fault. I see that now. Lydia wasn’t well and she chose to end her life. I wish more than anything that I could have seen she needed help. I could have helped her if I’d known. I wasn’t your fault Damon.” Her words shock me.

“But–” I try to speak but Ella cuts me off.

“No Damon. There are no buts. Lydia took her own life. She wasn’t well. It’s taken me over three years to realise that. I blamed you but there is no blame. You didn’t do anything.”

“Exactly. I should have tried harder.”

“Baby,” she says softly. “You’re not to blame for Lydia’s death.”

I swallow past the lump in my throat and try to look away but Ella holds steady, not letting me turn my face. Bringing her face closer to mine, she gently presses her lips against mine.

“It’s not your fault Damon,” she says against my mouth.

My woman blows my mind.

Pulling back she gives me a small smile before cuddling into my side. We lie silently for a few minutes, our breathing and hearts in sync, as we both take in her words.
My beauty doesn’t blame me.
She might not think I’m a monster but I am. I need her to see me for who I really am.

CHAPTER SEVEN

October 2
nd
2014

Ella

When Damon told me about his history with Lydia everything clicked into place. Tom and Damon’s stories match. Lydia really was ill but there was no relationship at all? That blows my mind, but I believe him. Damon hasn’t ever given me a reason not to trust him and I trust Tom with my life.

All this time I blamed Damon and he did nothing.

All this time Damon blamed himself.

There is no blame.

Lydia decided to end her life and Damon had no part in that. It wasn’t his fault. I feel numb as three years worth of regret fills me. I planned to hurt the man I now love, and he did nothing wrong. That’s hard to take in.

I feel sick at how much I loathed Damon, and it was for no reason. I loved my sister, still love her, but she was ill. That’s no one’s fault. 

“It’s not your fault Damon.”

He tenses against me, his arms tightening around me. I pull back to look at him and agony fills his face. I gasp at the pain I see flashing across his features before rage fills his dark eyes. The laugh that leaves his downturned lips is anything but happy. Mirthless.

“Isn’t it?”

“No.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” He snaps. “I’m not a good person Ella. I’m not this perfect man you seem to see me as. I’m a fucking monster.” His voice is angry but I know it’s not aimed at me. It’s anger towards himself.

“You’re not!”

Untangling himself from me, Damon climbs from the bed and begins pacing. Naked. Every muscle is contorting with his movement. His chest heaves as he stops and grasps his hair, fisting it in despair. 

“You’re not a monster Damon,” I say quietly.

“You don’t fucking know me!” he shouts, slamming his palm flat against his chest. “You don’t know what I’ve done.”

“Tell me then!” I shout, as I climb to my knees on the bed. “You keep saying that you’re a monster but I don’t see it Damon. Why are you such a monster in your own eyes? What have you done to deserve such self hate?”

“I’m a killer!” he roars. He pants but I hold my breath. Everything slows down, everything stops. I can’t think straight. Did I really just hear him right? I look at him begging for more, needing to know what he’s talking about but he can’t look me in the eyes. He’s looking anywhere but at me.

“What?” I whisper.

“I’ve got blood on my hands Ella. I may not have taken their lives but their blood is on my hands nonetheless.”

My heart feels like it’s working overtime as it pounds against my ribs, like a sledgehammer to concrete. I search his face looking for denial but there is none. What has he done? Tears sting my eyes and my throat closes.  

When he looks back to me his eyes are wild. Taking a step towards me he looks in complete despair. “
I’m a killer Ella
,” he rasps, before turning and slumping down at the bottom of the bed. His shoulders slump, head hanging low, hair fisted in hands, and elbows on knees.

Defeated
.

I want to go to him, I want to wrap myself around him and comfort him, but I can’t. I can’t move. I’m frozen to the spot, scared to speak and break him further. He’s open, completely cut open and bleeding right before my eyes.

“My life has been one massive mess. It’s been hit after hit after hit.” He sighs and shakes his head. “I thought I had it all, a bright future ahead of me. I was cocky and sure of myself. I had a fun girl on my arm, good mates, and parties every weekend. It was just assumed Abbi and I would marry, but it never felt like I needed her to be mine. I never had a need to claim her. I was just rolling with it.”

“She was talking about marriage again and I just wasn’t interested and it pissed her off. We said some stupid shit, it got nasty with words and she left. We met up later for a night out and we argued again. I left. She went to a party and got trashed, slept with some punk. Losing her didn’t make me lose control, but being on the receiving end of pitiful looks fucked me off. Girls turned to sharks, circling their prey, me. They all wanted me, wanted to be the shoulder I’d cry on. I took advantage of them, fucking girls everywhere. Drinking and fucking became routine for me, made me forget the loss of control.”

I sink back to my heels, trying to be as quiet as possible. I don’t want to disturb him now he’s talking, finally letting out all his haunting secrets. I stay silent and wait for him to gather his thoughts and continue.

“Spencer eventually had had enough of my shit and knocked some sense into me when I got behind the wheel drunk. He gave me an ear full and a reality check. Not trusting my judgement and being disappointed in me made Spence get me a driver.” Damon pauses and sighs. “Fuck,” he mumbles.

Turning to face me, his expression makes me hold my breath. He looks torn, broken. Like his next words are going to finish him off. I’ve never seen Damon look scared but right here, right now, he looks petrified.

“Your dad became my driver beauty.” My breath gushes out of me like I’ve been punched in the guts. I grip my bump like I’ve taken a physical blow from his words. I’m shocked. Confused. Dumbfounded. Seeing my inability to speak he continues with a pleading look in his eyes.

“You have to understand baby. He saved me. Fucking pulled me out of my self destruct mode. Your dad was the first touch of light I’d felt in my life for months. He laid it all out for me, made me see what I was letting myself become.” A small smile lifts his lips. “He basically told me that if his daughter ever brought a man like me to his house to meet him, he would chase him out with his shotgun. Told me straight up that I wasn’t worthy for any woman in my state, I wasn’t man enough,” he laughs, shaking his head.

A giggle escapes my lips before I can stop myself. That is so like my Pops. He was always overprotective. He loved his girls with his whole being and wasn’t afraid to let it show. In fact, he was proud to be our dad, and told people on numerous occasions. Damon sobers quickly, his gaze piercing through me.

“He was right. I was acting like a pussy, pissing my life away. Wasting it. The night of his accident he wasn’t well. He had a headache and I told him to go home early but he refused, said he’d had a pain pill and would be fine.” Damon stops to run a hand through his hair whilst clenching his jaw. “I should have made him leave. I should have fucking drove him home myself.”

I gasp at his words, finally understanding his words earlier. He blames himself for not only Lydia’s death, but my Pops’ death too. I move quickly and press myself firmly against his back, needing to feel him against me, needing him to feel
me
.

“You can’t take that blame on Damon. It wasn’t your fault.” I tell him with as much conviction as I can. He needs all my strength. “It was an accident, it wasn’t on you. You can’t carry that blame.”

“That’s not all,” he confesses. I wait with baited breath for his next words. “The day Lydia passed. I ended another life.”

“Her death isn’t on you Damon.”

“No. No, it was Leona. She was pregnant and I... I... she...” he shakes his head not knowing how to finish. I gasp. Leona was pregnant? Damon was going to be a dad? Is this why he decided he didn’t want children?

“Damon,” I choke out.

“Lydia rang me Ella. She told me what she was going to do and I rushed to get there. Leona tried to stop me but I needed to do something. I had to try something, anything. I raced to get to your sister, and in my rush I pushed Leona out of the way.” He pauses and swallows hard. “She fell and lost the baby. I didn’t know at the time.”

“I’m sorry,” I cry as silent tears fall from my eyes at his loss. My hand drops to my bump and I cry for the loss of his first child, cradling his second child growing inside me. Damon moves quickly, pulling me into his lap, holding me tightly to him. “I’m sorry,” I whisper, burying my face into his neck.

“Stop, baby. It’s not your fault. It was mine. I pushed her out the way and she lost her baby.” I pull back from his neck when he says her baby. Was the baby not his? He must see my confusion because he gives me a small smile and caresses my cheek. “I’ve never slept with Leona, beauty.
Never.
”

“Never?” He shakes his head no. I should feel guilty for feeling relief at his words, but I can’t. I’m glad she never got her claws all the way into him. “Then who was?” I leave my question hanging, letting him fill in the blanks. With a slight shake of his head I can tell that is not up for discussion or he doesn’t know. I’m hoping for the latter.

“Everything led to you Ella,” he says quietly. So quiet I almost missed it.

“What?” I ask. I need to know that’s what he said.

“I lost Abbi and gained your dad. He was so proud of you both, could never stop speaking of his daughters. I saw so many pictures of you both. He would pull them out every chance he got, always the proud dad. When he passed away I vowed I’d make sure Lydia and you would want for nothing. When she turned up for a job of course I gave it her.”

“That’s why you wouldn’t involve the police when she became ill, and why you stopped Abbi from pressing charges isn’t it?”

“Yes,” he sighs. “When Lydia took her life I was there with you baby. I held you as the paramedics worked to see if there was anything that could be done. I held you as you cried, as you broke for your sister and I knew, I fucking knew baby, that I would do anything for you. I looked into your eyes and saw a world of pain, and I wanted to take that pain away.”

“I knew then and there that I would never be enough for you, that I didn’t deserve you. I watched you from afar, making sure you were okay, but then you came into my life like a hurricane and turned everything on its head.” He stops, smiling, before kissing me softly. “It all led to you, beauty.”