Atonement (The Atonement Series) (25 page)

“Yeah, that sounds like a plan. I would go anywhere with you, baby. We can do what ever you want and I would be game, you know that?”

“Seriously? You aren’t angry with me? Earlier, you told me I was overreacting and I just assumed you would feel the same now.”

He clicked his tongue before he sat up and crossed his legs Indian-style. I sat up as well and leaned against the headboard. “I was a fool but I did say one true thing…I’m not convinced I didn’t bring tonight on myself. I have done some real bad shit, Deirdre. Illegal stuff and probably the only reason why I got away with it was because I was a rich white boy. At least I was at the time…I think we can both agree that turning thirty no longer makes me a ‘boy’ in any sense of the word.”

I stared at him for a long time, unsure about what to say in response. “Do you want to tell me about it?”

Colin swung his legs around on the bed before he stood and slipped on a pair of jeans, commando-style. I slipped on one of his white oversized tee shirts that barely covered the top of my thighs and we both walked out to the small balcony. He pulled a cigarette out and lit it before he inhaled hungrily.

“I don’t know if you’re ready for all that crap. I mean, Liam and I aren’t some poor ass white trash that had to fight for what we got in life but…it didn’t stop us from actin’ like we had something to prove. We were a couple of pain in the asses for our parents’ and I can’t help but think of all the shit we did because Liam wanted to do something fun and exciting.” His glare turned my way. “I wonder if he decided to tell Caitlyn about all of that and I know the answer because I know
him
.”

I took the cigarette from him and slipped it between my lips before I dragged on it hungrily. “Then why are you telling me about all this if it can just stay hidden? You know I would never say anything to anyone about it.”

He took the cigarette back from me and dragged long and leisurely before he flicked it over the balcony. “Because I’m not Liam. I have a conscience and I am not suggesting my brother doesn’t but he’s not me. I have worshipped him since we were kids, Deirdre. He was this hero, this amazing, larger than life character and I was so proud to have him as my brother. You don’t know what that’s like because you’re the oldest, like he is.”

I slipped my arms around his waist and held on to him as we looked into one another’s eyes. “That might be true but I do know what it’s like to live in another person’s shadow. I’ve done it my whole life with Cait being the perfect one and me being the ‘Wendy’ of the family. You know, from
Peter Pan
. I was the one who didn’t want to grow up or become an adult—Mom used to tease me and tell me I was what was wrong with Western Civilization. People like me who only wanted to acquire knowledge for knowledge’s sake and nothing else.

“‘What do you think you are preserving, exactly? The world doesn’t run on knowledge alone. You need to be useful—isn’t that why people go to college in the first place?’ It became a running mantra in our home and I just stopped coming home. I spent more and more time with Drew back in Boston. His family was there—his mom at least—and we would travel between Massachusetts and Washington D.C. It became fun, something to do because his parents were so different than mine. They seemed to get it and besides, he would eventually take his father’s position in Washington so spending a lot of time in the world of Academia didn’t bother them.”

“So, what are you trying to say?”

“Well, we’re not so different—you and I. You think because you were a bad boy and trying to live up to your brother’s expectations makes you any different than me burying my head in the sand by hiding behind Drew and his family because he was safe?

“Caitlyn’s right, you know,” I whispered. “Perhaps I did lead him on all these years. Why didn’t I just tell him we would never be together like that but I gave him a false sense of security…and I made him believe there could one day be a ‘him and I’. That’s not right and I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Come on, let’s go back inside. Neither one of us have the answers but we sure as hell aren’t going to find them out here.”

He followed me back inside and we both undressed and snuggled in bed together. I loved sleeping in the nude with him. We didn’t have to do this talk tonight and for some reason, I knew in my heart I wasn’t ready to hear what ever it was he had to say. It was best to go to sleep with the words left unsaid.

Chapter Sixteen

THE FOLLOWING DAY
, we spent an exciting day in the country with Carolien and Jens before we boarded an evening train to Brussels. We arrived in the endless city of chocolate and commerce late but not late enough we couldn’t find a decent hotel near the train station.

That night, we hatched a plan to do a quick tour of Brussels though there wasn’t much to see. The next day, we had a lunch at a café, and planned our itinerary shortly after we bought evening tickets to Paris. Then, we proceeded to tour the city and after several times of spending too long on their subway system, we ended up in the ghetto and had to walk back to the business district.

We managed to get photos of all the sites, including the numerous office buildings, the notoriously infamous fountain where the little boy is taking a piss, officially known as Mannekin Pis Fountain. Then we stocked up on chocolate and barely made it back to the Brussels Railway Station in time for our Thalys train to Paris.

It was a fairly light ride and only halfway full so it was quite easy to find our seats before we collapsed and settled next to one another. Colin pulled out the camera and started to review the photos as we laughed together and reflected on our whip-lash tour of Brussels but at least we could officially say we visited.

“If I hadn’t planned this journey, would this be how you would have planned it?” he inquired after we stopped laughing.

I had to think for a moment before I replied, “I honestly don’t know.” I touched his hair with gentle fingers. “I thought this would be so romantic…you know, the two of us falling for one another here in Europe around all this history and surrounded by centuries’ old buildings but I realize I would have as much fun with you in Seattle as we’re having here. Does that make sense?”

I looked away as the train began to speed up and the landscape became a comforting blur. “I thought I needed all of this because I wanted to desperately escape. I foolishly believed if I wasn’t in Seattle then I would forget about my father’s death but that doesn’t make any sense, does it? How do you forget about someone’s death by changing your scenery? Your dad suggested the trip because he knew the anti-depressants and the Xanax weren’t helping the situation. I was actually getting worse. I was scared of my own fucking shadow. The Zoloft and Wellbutrin were turning me into your average soccer mom and I wasn’t myself. I felt like a fucking zombie.”

Colin turned my head toward his and he stared deep in my eyes. “I fucking love you, Deirdre. I don’t care how fucked up you are and if that means I have to deal with all your different neurosis, I’m ready. I just want to be with you, do you understand me?”

I smiled at him before I kissed his lips and pulled back to wipe my lip gloss from his mouth. “I love you too but I won’t use the ‘F’ word. It would be undignified. I graduated from Harvard for God’s sake.”

“Don’t you mean Wellesley College?” he whispered against my ear before his tongue snaked into the passage.

I jerked away. “You’re disgusting. Yes, Wellesley College for my Bachelor’s but my Master’s I earned from Harvard.”

“Anyway, you can’t talk like that but I can and I want you to know I don’t expect this trip to make you forget one of the most painful memories in your life. I would have decked someone if they told me a trip to Europe was supposed to make me forget about my mother dying from cancer. I’m still not over it because she was my rock in a way that Liam never understood.”

I looked his way and kissed his cheek. “Oh no, I’m dating a Momma’s boy. I wondered how that happened.”

We both looked at one another and laughed out loud. Several of the passengers around us glared at us though their looks weren’t entirely unplesant and I tried to stifle my laughter before Colin began to tickle me sick and I started to laugh again in a loud and boisterous manner.

“Stop it!” I smacked his hands away.

“Fine. From now on, I will keep my hands to myself and you can tell me how much you like that,” he whispered in my ear.

“I think I would like that loads,” I said before I grabbed my iPod, shoved my earbuds in my ears and turned it on. Maroon 5’s
Overexposed
began to play and that was just fine with me.

I leaned my head against Colin’s shoulder as “One More Night” started up and we clasped hands nearest to one another. This was true intimacy and as far as I was concerned, there was no going back. There was only one way to move and that was forward. That sounded like a plan if I’d ever heard one and great one at that.

WE BARELY HAD
time to settle in our Paris apartment we were renting for four days before we left Europe when my Android phone began to sound like the previous years’ top forty with “Poker Face”.

I lay on the bed while Colin took a shower and contemplated whether or not I should answer it before I gave in at the last moment and pressed the Answer button.

“Hey,” I greeted in a nonchalant voice.

“I wasn’t sure if you were going to take my call but I figured you would since it’s your birthday and all. You’re officially twenty-nine, old lady.”

“Gee thanks, sis. I didn’t realize twenty-nine was the new thirty-nine but thanks for keeping me in the loop.”

“After our last conversation…I knew you would be pissed at me for a while.”

I sighed as I sat up and put the phone on speaker so I wouldn’t have to hold it to my ear. “No worries, honey. After we talked, I broke down and told Colin the truth. He knows about what happened and he’s cool with it so there’s nothing left to say. It happened before we got together and I have nothing to feel guilty about. What went down between Liam and I occurred between two consenting adults with no ties to anyone else at the time. Please don’t let that affect your decision to be with him because at the end of the day it isn’t worth it.”

My sister snickered on the other end. “How can you say that? You know what my
boyfriend
looks like naked and he has done very…intimate things to your body. You spent the night with him—it wasn’t a wham, bam, thank you ma’am kind of one night stand!”