Atonement (Heart of Stone) (10 page)

I stood over him and he looked up at me. His eyes were
bloodshot and accepting. “I don’t want you anywhere near me or the twins.”

He nodded slowly, “Of course.”

“And I want a divorce.”

That got his attention.

He shot to his feet, his head shaking from side to side
rapidly, “No, NO! No fucking way.”

I didn’t reply, just scanned him slowly, my heart broken
and dead already before I turned and left.

And never looked back.

She had gone. She had really gone.

She had left me.

I sat, on the floor of the corridor surrounded by many people,
but very much alone. Empty, hollow and broken.

I didn’t blame her, hell, I knew it was coming. I had
known. I had even warned her it was coming.

I had hurt her for the last time. She wouldn’t let me
hurt her again.
I
wouldn’t let me hurt her again.

But I wouldn’t let go, I would never let her go. She was
mine and as much as she wanted to run, we both knew I wouldn’t let her.

If she thought she was getting a divorce, she had a shock
coming. I would fight it with everything, everything I had, everything I was
and everything I could find inside me.

God, I was so damn stupid.

How the hell I had managed to keep this place hidden from
her for eight years was beyond me.

Her face destroyed me when she had clocked Rebecca. I
knew it was that Rebecca was in there, in full knowledge of this part of me
that had ripped Ava apart.

The one thing I could have hurt her with was sat beside
me when she discovered this god damn fucking place.

How the hell she had found out was beyond me.

How the hell had she found it?

I thought I had everything covered, hidden away from her
so tightly no-one could establish who owned Allure.

“Boss?” Gabe’s voice brought me from my trance and I
peered up at him.

“I, uhh… I dunno what to say really, I thought she was
here for an interview. She said she was here for an interview. Is she someone
special?”

I sighed and sucked in my lips, “She’s my wife.”

His eyes widened in shock. Nobody here knew anything
about my life outside of here. That’s how I had managed to keep it a secret for
so long. “She
was
my wife?”

He nodded faintly, his obvious pity displayed openly,
“Real sorry, boss.”

“It’s not your fault, Gabe. Get yourself off home. In
fact, clear the place out for me.”

“Sure thing. You need anything before I go?”

I shook my head in reply and watched his large frame
retreat through the door at the end of the hallway.

I lifted myself off the floor, my desolation making my
body heavy and sluggish as I dragged myself into the office.

Fuck, the girls were still bloody at it on the sofa.
Christ, did they not hear the commotion?

Picking up their clothes from the floor, I threw them at
the entwined bodies. They actually broke off and blinked at me. “Go, get out.”

They both frowned and I sighed in frustration, “OUT!”

They listened then. They both shot up and exited the door
whilst pulling their clothing on.

I exhaled heavily as I unscrewed the cap off the whisky
bottle and took a large gulp. It seared my throat but warmed my frozen gut.

My phone alerted me to a message and I quickly picked it
up, praying it was Ava but groaned when I saw Nate’s name:

Nate:

Again! A – fuckin – gain. You piece of shit!

Me:

Is she with you? Is she okay?

Nate:

Okay? Okay? She’s fuckin’ gutted. Why, Mason? All the
damn time!

Me:

Tell her I want to talk.

Nate:

You really think she wants to talk? You’re more stupid
than I thought.

Me:

Don’t interfere in this Nate, so help me…

Nate:

Don’t fuckin threaten me, you god damn prick! My best
friend was fucking sobbing so hard she fucking passed out.

      Oh Jesus Christ.

My hands gripped the edge of the table.

Fuck, fuck, FUCK!!!

The table tipped as I heaved it, the contents flying
across the room with my strength. The cupboard went next as I lifted one end
and flung it with ease into the opposite wall. The monitors came off the wall
with a surprising effortlessness, their screens shattering and sprinkling the
room with smoked glass. Everything else in the room followed suit, from the
pictures of the many naked women that had donned the walls to my laptop.

I wanted to destroy it all like it had destroyed my
marriage, my family, my heart.

I slumped back into the chair; the only thing left intact,
and took another swig of the much needed alcohol.

“Mason?”

I turned to Rebecca, stood in the doorway, her skinny hip
resting against the frame as she looked in horror at the mess.

“You need something?” She asked it in a way there was no
misinterpreting her meaning.

I shook my head, I didn’t need that shit. I needed that
shit so bad, so fucking bad.

“It’ll make you feel good.” She offered and I closed my
eyes and clenched my fists.

“No.”

She paused before taking a few steps towards me, “
I
can make you feel good.”

Clamping my teeth over my tongue I sighed heavily, “Do
you ever stop, Rebecca? How many times, no. I don’t fucking want you, I have
never wanted you and I will never ever want you. The only person I will ever
want is Ava, my wife, my beautiful fucking wife. You hear me?
My wife
.”

Her gulp was loud as my words pierced her. I didn’t give
a bloody shit to be honest. “Just go home, Rebecca.”

“But…”

“GET THE FUCK OUT!” I roared at her as I flung the whisky
bottle an inch from her head. She screamed and jolted as it smashed against the
wall beside her.

Great, now I would have to hunt the place for another
bottle.

“Fine but you have my number, darling.” She said calmly
before she turned and heeded my words.

For Christ sake, this woman was relentless. Never took
the hint. I had given her a big enough one, any bigger and it would bloody
squash her with its size.

My thirst for whisky was far from quenched and I dragged
my weary body through the building to the small bar in the ‘lounge’.

Lounge? That was a fucking joke; it was the waiting room
for pussy.

Pushing my glass at the optic and repeating the action
three more times until my glass was full, I sank back down into a chair and
eyed the room.

It was full of comfy seats and porn. Fucking porn, like
who needed fucking porn in a brothel? You was gonna get the deed, who needed
the instructions?

I had once loved this place. It had been like a puppy.
Training it, watching it, seeing it obey and fill you with a sense of
accomplishment.

It had been one of my first ventures in my upcoming rise
to stardom; my first cash cow, bringing in swift money for my other
undertakings and enterprises.

But now I hated it, loathed it, fucking despised it. It
was my first and would be my last.

She had really gone. Really, finally and totally gone.

Refilling my glass, I pulled out my phone and scrolled
the contact list until my beautiful wife’s smiling face found me.

I smiled back at her and brushed my fingertip over her
cheekbone. “You are so fucking beautiful. You loved me through everything,
through all my faults and fuckups. And all I gave you in return was fucking
disease, my sick mess of a life wearing you down constantly.”

I hit the message icon and stared at the flashing
character, my mind filled with so much I wanted to tell her, but none of it
seemed right via text, none of it strong enough for how I felt.

Me:

I know, Ava. I told you I’d fuck it all up and boy,
did I do it well, baby. I can’t even say sorry cos’ I know it’s not enough,
nowhere near enough.

I just really need you to know that I didn’t and would
never sleep with her. I need to explain some things, Ava and I need you to let
me.

I can’t fix what I’ve broke, I know that, there isn’t
enough glue in the bloody world to fix this but… hell, I dunno, baby. It’s all
such a mess.

I’ll abide to what you want Ava, but divorce? Not a
hope in hell. No, way. Just, no. You’ll always be mine, Ava, even if you’re not
mine.

Please, just ring, text, anything so I know you’re ok.

And please, talk to me. I need you to listen, I need
you open and I need to be honest.

I love you so god damn much. Tell me what to do and
I’ll do it. I’ll buy you the fucking stars, I will. Just tell me what you want
and I’ll deliver it with a fucking smile, baby.

I… I’m sorry my little warrior, so fucking sorry.

Xxxx

2 weeks
later

I watched the clock roll over to midnight and raised my
glass, “Happy Birthday, Ava.”

The vodka was a much welcome gift from the girls at NSC.
I had returned there last week. Fuck Mason and his issues with Kade. He didn’t
have a say anymore, my life was my own. Mine to do as I pleased, mine to enjoy
and relish freedom, mine to mould the way I wanted now.

I hated it, I hated every damn second of it. It was
hollow, meaningless and lonely.

Even after everything I couldn’t switch off my heart,
what was left of it anyway.

The children knew something was wrong. I had told them he
had gone to work overseas for a while but even at six they looked at me with
knowing eyes and sad smiles.

Nate and Courtney had been my bricks, their utter love
and support had picked me up time and time again.

I felt sick constantly, I was exhausted and I was shaking
all the bloody time. It was like I was going through withdrawal, my body
craving something that had gone, but it would have to get used to it, its drug
was never coming back.

My phone pinged and I glanced at the time again, frowning
at the strange time for someone to text.

Mason:

Happy Birthday, baby.

I hope it’s one that answers your dreams,

I love you my little warrior.

Xxx

Why did this man insist on his relentless torture? My
craving exploded in my head like fireworks on Guy Fawkes Night as my soul wept
in loneliness.

I hadn’t answered any of his previous attempts to contact
me. His texts and voicemails had been left unanswered as had his many flowers
and notes.

This time I yielded with a simple reply, whether it was
because it was the first time in thirteen years I had spent the roll over into
my birthday alone or whether my strength at my withdrawal was weak, I wasn’t
sure, but I answered nonetheless.

Me:

Thank you.

Mason:

Hey, how are you?

xxx

Me:

Fine.

Mason:

I miss you, Ava. God, I miss you so much.

xxx

Me:

Don’t do this, Mason. Not now, it’s too late.

Mason:

I know… can I see Katie and George, I miss them.

xxx

Me:

I dunno, they’re too young to understand what’s going
on.

Mason:

Please, baby. Please.

Xxx

Me:

Fine. Nate’s having a BBQ at his for my birthday tonight.
You can see them there but please, stay away from me.

He took a while to answer but just as I placed my glass
in the dishwasher and gave in to my craving for sleep, he replied.

Mason:

Thank you. I’ll try, baby, but it’s so hard. My lungs
have seized up, my heart has stopped beating and my soul…it’s searching
everywhere for you, Ava. It screams for you.

Xxx

Me:

It’s the only thing I can offer at the moment, Mason.
Time with just the children or nothing, I’m sorry; I’m not ready for anything
more. I can’t even look at you, never mind talk.

Mason:

Okay, I promise. Thank you.

I love you.

xxx

Carrying my weary body up the stairs I flopped onto the
bed and stared at myself through the ceiling mirror Mason had fitted for a
previous birthday. It brought a smile to my face, the memory of his excitement
as he had uncovered my eyes made me chuckle. He had been like a kid with a new
toy and I had wondered at the time if this specific gift had been for me or
him. Of course he had presented me with other extravagant presents but it had
been this one that had meant the most. It was something I had mentioned in
passing and he hadn’t forgotten.

He never forgot. He was always interested in anything I
had to say and he never forgot anything I had said; stored it away, in the
compartment in his mind that was just for me.

I always considered myself lucky for Mason’s
attentiveness and devotion. I had heard the girls at work talk about their husband’s
lack of interest in them, other than anything resembling sex, they were on
their own but Mason always paid attention and respected anything I had to say.

A smile lifted my lips when I pictured the happy faces
that Mason’s presence would bring to my children tomorrow. They had missed
their daddy with a fierce ache. He was a good father; always listened to what
they had to say, helped with their homework and always made sure he spent time
with them alone at the weekends. Daddy time was something they had missed and
the knowledge that my peanuts were hurting hurt me. I couldn’t deny them the
moment with him as I couldn’t deny him time with them.

I just hoped that tomorrow, or rather today now, wouldn’t
bring forth Mason’s pre-eminence with me. I knew he struggled to reel in his
need for governance over me and if he tried that shit tomorrow then sparks were
gonna fly, not just from me, but from both my best friends. Their lack of
tolerance with Mason and the constant suffering he lay on me was still enflamed
and I knew they wouldn’t take that kind of shit from him. If I broke, they broke.

***

“Blow them all mommy; all of them in one go.” George
cheered when I sucked in a huge breath and distinguished all thirty two candles
that donned the huge pink cake in a single blow.

He grinned at me and clapped with delight as he realised his
mommy was cool and had a mega puff. “Never expected anything less with the size
of your mom’s mouth, Georgie” Nate winked at him and Katie laughed loudly.

George nodded seriously, “My daddy says my mommy has a
big gob, is that the same thing?”

The party of friends surrounding me laughed hard and
loud. “It’s exactly the same thing, Georgie” Lucas grinned and I treat him to a
severe slap of the arm.

Layla grinned when Lucas rubbed his arm feverishly and
swore under his breath, “You’re such a softie, Lucas. I bet Katie has harder
skin than you.”

He swooped her up, careful not to danger her hold on
Willow who was currently snuggled into Layla’s arms fast asleep.

“You want me to take her?” I asked as Lucas had other
ideas for his wife. She winked and nodded as I lifted Willow from her and
cradled her gently against me.

She was so utterly perfect, from her tiny long fingers,
to her rosy cheeks and plump pink lips.

“Excuse me,” I whispered as the twinge in my heart
returned. “I’m just gonna get some air in her lungs, the smoke form the candles
must be choking her.”

I ignored Kerrie’s pitying look; if I ignored it, it
wasn’t there and that meant I didn’t have to admit to what I was feeling. What
I was struggling with.

“Look Willow, the crocuses are out…. god damn it.” I
squeezed my eyes shut, desperate in my attempts to block the tears from
falling, “Not today, eh, Willow, silly me.”

I carried on walking past the huge bouncy castle Liv had
hired for the children and down to the brook that ran the length of their garden
and perched my arse on the edge. The slight trickle of the water was
comforting; it’s rhythm soothing to my ache and the soft mewing of Willow both
throbbing my yearning and mollifying the longing.

I had two beautiful, wonderful bright and happy children,
what the hell was wrong with me?

A loud sob tore up my throat and left my mouth in a
choking gasp.

“You okay?” Jay asked from behind me, making me jump and
jolting Willow. Her eyes shot open, she glared, rolled her lips and snuggled
back in, once again capturing the peace of sleep.

I nodded but didn’t look up. He settled beside me and I
turned away from him, embarrassed and feeling foolish at my distress.

“Hey” he pressed with a soft stroke of his fingers across
my arm, “You can’t cry today, it’s your birthday.”

I nodded but couldn’t fight the sniffle that gave away my
weeping. “You wanna talk about it?” he asked softly but I shook my head.

“Come here.” He reached an arm around my shoulder and
pulled me into him until my head rested on his shoulder. He remained silent as
I silently cried, my great big teardrops falling onto his shoulder and ruining
what looked like an expensive shirt but he didn’t speak, complain or withdraw
from me. He let me get it out without any expectation and I secretly thanked him
for it.

“Feeling broody?” he asked cannily after I had calmed. I
shot him an incredulous look but he just shrugged. “It’s my thing, I’m good at
reading people” he said without apology and I sighed in acceptance but nodded.

“Stupid, I know.” I admitted as I snuggled back into him,
his strong chest was comforting, not in a sexual way but kind of safe and
reassuring. He was very much like his dad, it was extraordinary.

He shook his head against the top of mine, “No, why would
it be?”

“Because I have two wonderful babies already.”

He nodded and exhaled heavily, “Doesn’t mean you don’t
want more.”

I didn’t reply, what could I say but ‘yeah’.

“Does Mason know how you’re feeling?”

I shook my head, “We’re not… together at the moment.”

“On a break?” he chuckled at the popular phrase.

“Something like that.” I chuckled slightly with him as he
squeezed me faintly.

“How many is it now?” he asked with humour and I elbowed
him softly.

“Too many” I acquiesced, “story of our lives I’m afraid.”

We were both silent for a while and I could tell Jay had
something skimming the tip of his tongue so I peered up at him, “Out with it.”

He snorted and smiled, “Just that, well I dunno quite how
to put this.”

“Just say it like it is, I’m a big girl.”

He waggled his eyebrows as his eyes dropped to my chest
with a smirk, “Very big, Ava.”

He greeted another elbow to the ribs but laughed. “I’ve
had my fair share of… ladies, Ava and don’t get me wrong when I say this but so
has Mason, hell the man was a whore before you…”

I nodded and sighed, not sure I was liking where this was
going but I grit my teeth and took it as it came. “But that’s exactly what I’m
saying…
before you
. He broke it down, Ava, for you. I have never, and
I’ve seen a lot,
never
seen any man look at a woman so… indulgently, the
way Mason looks at you. Whatever he has done and knowing Mason, it’s probably epically
fucking huge, he bloody adores you Ava. He’d die for you, in an instant.”

“I know” I whispered against him and I did know, but it
still didn’t help the hurt that his eight year long lie brought on. “But some
things are so far past the point of… deceit and pretence that I don’t think I
can ever trust another living soul again. I thought I knew him, Jay. I thought
we were so tight that secrets and lies were what other married people had, not
Mason and I, not us but, he just blew my… everything wide apart; so fucking far
apart that I’ll never find the pieces to fix this.”

He sighed and planted a kiss atop my head, “You know,
don’t tell anyone this but I envy you and Mason, Ava. The love, and… connection
you share is utterly envious.”

I scoffed and looked up at him, “You, Jay, are the most
uninhibited and unrestrained man I know. How can you be jealous of a
relationship that doesn’t even register on your radar?” It wasn’t said with insult
and he didn’t take it with any.

He shrugged with a sad smile, “Do you ever wonder why I’m
like I am, Ava. Has my dad ever… discussed my
uninhibited
behaviour?”

I shook my head firmly, “Your dad wouldn’t do that Jay,
he would never talk down about you.”

“No, I didn’t mean that. Does he ever like, ponder with
you as to why I have many women and never settle down?”

“It’s not for us to discuss, Jay. It’s your life; you’re
just having fun, like you should. You’re only what, twenty four?”

“Twenty five but… God, this is hard…”

“You don’t have to tell me, Jay. It’s your private life
and you don’t have to discuss it with me to make me feel better.”

“No, it’s not that, it’s… my mum, she took some bad shit
in her marriage, Ava, real bad dark shit and… well…” He sighed heavily and ran
a hand agitatedly through his blond curls, “Marriage and relationships scare
the fucking crap out of me, Ava. Proper panic, cold sweat, heart pounding
fucked up shit, you know what I’m saying?”

I pulled myself upright and looked at him, my eyes soft
but full of pain for him. “I know Liv blames herself, Jay, for what she put you
through as a child. Your dad hates himself for it too but what she went
through, it’s rare, Hun. Not all relationships tear people apart, they’re not
all violent and black. My marriage to Mason was the best thing that ever
happened to me. I… I went through some deep dark shit too but you know, Mason
took that darkness from me, screwed it up tight and threw it the fucking
gutter. He’s made me live again, made me relish life and he held me above the
water when life threatened to drown me.”

Jay smirked at me and I smiled in resignation, “Okay,
okay, nice move.”

“I didn’t say anything, Ava, you did.” He planted another
kiss on my head, “Just think that’s all.”

I nodded as he took Willow from me and stood. “I’ll give
you some quiet time before all hell breaks loose on the bouncy castle.”