Ashes of the Stars (13 page)

“I’m Taevyn,” She said, shaking my hand. She was a bigger woman with dark, dark night colored skin. Her eyes were a deep chocolate brown and her thick lips were friendly. She shoved her hands in her pockets. “So listen, Whitestrand told me what you did earlier with Pio.”

“Oh,” I nodded, confused about what this woman wanted from me.

“I’m his teacher,” She smiled at my confusion. “And, well, I’m not a fighter, as you can see. I was just wondering if you might consider taking over those lessons for the kids.”

“Oh,” I let the friendly smile fall off of my face. It was one thing to do it for Pio, who I knew and cared about, but another thing to take control of an unknown number of kids. I wasn’t sure that my fragile sanity could handle that.

“Just please think about it,” She asked me. “I understand it’s a difficult proposition, but I think it would really help for a lot of reasons.”

“I’ll think about it,” I promised her.

She smiled cautiously and walked away. I looked back at the bench where Tali still sat, looking on curiously. I just shrugged at her and then decided it was time to leave the meadow before anyone wanted something else from me. Did I have no strength left in me?

I shook my head at the thought as I climbed my ladder into my house. I was getting really tired and though I was afraid to sleep because of my dream, I knew I wouldn’t make it all day without a nap. I climbed into my bed and crawled under the blankets.

Even though I’d been so exhausted only moments before, my eyes wouldn’t stay closed in bed. I gazed blankly at the wall and thought about my life. Everything had changed so drastically. I never needed to take anyone’s life ever again. But what if I could teach those kids to be good enough so that no one could take
their
lives? I knew then that I would take the job, and with that thought I fell asleep.

My nap was far from dreamless but when I woke up all I remembered were fragments and none of it made sense. Still, my heart was racing uncomfortably and I was a little sweaty. I shook my head to clear the fuzziness. The sun was starting to set, I noticed as I descended my ladder. I was still yawning, my eyes smarting with tears, all the way to the food huts.

I was relieved when I reached the meadow to see that Kieran and Kai were sitting with the rest of the group again. I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding.

“Are you okay?” Kai whispered in my ear when I sat down beside him.

“Eh,” I shrugged. I ate in silence, which was pretty much on par for me, but as soon as I finished eating, Kai put his arm around my waist and pulled me closer to him.

“You look like you were sleeping,” Kai commented, putting his chin on my shoulder.

“I was,” I answered, ignoring the tickle his breath created on my neck.

“Is that why you’re upset? Dreams again?” He asked me.

“I’m not upset,” I protested.

“Yes, you are,” Tali said. I hadn’t realized anyone had been paying attention and I blushed.

“My
God,
she is
red.
Like a freakin’ tomato!” Marley laughed at me.

“Yeah,” I sneered at her. “You’re one to talk, red-head.”

“Let’s go talk,” Kai whispered to me.

“I like the ‘let’s go’ part,” I teased him and I stood up. He didn’t walk me out of the meadow, like I’d thought he would. He led me to an empty section of it and sat down with his back against the tree trunk again. I sat down between his legs as I had that morning and let him wrap his arms around me. He rested his chin against the top of my head, and when he finally spoke, I could feel his Adam’s apple vibrating against my hair.

“So Whitestrand told you we have visitors, right?” He asked me carefully.

“Yes, and he said they know
of
me,” I made sure to clarify.

“Well, I don’t think they’d be stupid and try something, but they’re afraid of you so I’m going to be sticking really close by, okay?” He said.

“I’m not going to complain,” I smiled. I looked around the meadow and tried to pick out the newcomers. They weren’t hard to spot. They were staring at us in shock and disgust. They were wild looking, their hair a mess and their clothes ratty and old. They looked like they could use a good bath. Not all Zealots looked like they did, but some of them did. Some Zealots looked even more refined than Legionnaires. I could see one of them saying something and it was hard not to make out the words her lips formed:
didn’t tell us they were together.

“Ignore them. You’re going to goad them,” Kai told me.

“How can you even tell I’m looking at them?” I wondered.

“It’s obvious. You’re all tense and stuff. Calm down. Talk about something else, I promise they won’t hurt you,” Kai told me.

“I’m not worried about getting hurt,” I mumbled.

“Come on,” Kai said, exasperated. “Talk about something else.”

“Like what?”

“Whatever you feel like.”

I thought about it for a moment. I didn’t know what I wanted to talk about. And then I realized he wanted to hear what he said he’d never ask me about. He wanted to know about my mental breakdown. I sighed deeply and closed my eyes as I tried to relax back against him.

“Okay,” I whispered. The words felt like they burned my throat. My body was reacting, trying to prevent me talking about it. I fought the feeling that I needed to lock away the crazy parts of me and I continued. “When I got back home after we left here, I went inside my house. You know what they look like there, right?”

“Mhm.”

“Well, when I opened the door I could see a fire in the fireplace, which I thought was weird but I figured Finn must have come by and set it for me. So I go downstairs and there’s just blood everywhere. It was like the house had been flooded with blood. I just… I freaked. I used my hat and my jacket to try cleaning it up and it wasn’t working, even after I got bleach. Then I figured that maybe the blood wasn’t coming up because what I was cleaning with was already soaked in blood so I was just spreading it around. I got all of my clothes from my drawers and I tried cleaning it up with all of them, but it still wasn’t really helping.

“I saw all these piles of burned bones all over the place, too, and that scared the hell out of me. At one point I remember looking the mirror and I saw my eyes were bleeding, I was crying blood.” I shuddered at the memory and tried to shake it off but the feeling of fear and panic and sorrow wouldn’t go away.

“That must have been really hard for you,” Kai said softly, bringing me back to reality.

I nodded slowly and took a deep breath. “Now I know it wasn’t real, but it still scares me to think about it.”

“What do you think it was that made you see all of that?” He asked me carefully. I could tell he was nervous about asking me in case I got mad and thought it a violation, but I was the one who had brought it up.

“I think I was afraid of admitting how horrible of a person I am. I think maybe trying to block it all out overwhelmed me and I just…”

“You’re not a horrible person,” He whispered softly.

“Maybe not now,” I conceded. But I wasn’t so sure about that.

Chapter Thirteen

That night, after dinner, Kai asked me if I would be uncomfortable if he stayed in my tree house with me. Of course, it didn’t make me uncomfortable. I had slept many times with him at my side, sometimes not even aware of it until later, like when I’d been in my self-induced stupor.

He climbed up the ladder behind me and was completely respectful of my need for privacy while I bathed and changed clothes. When I climbed into bed under the blankets, he slid in beside me fully clothed, and wrapped his arms around me. Just like earlier, as soon as we lay down, I wasn’t sure that I would ever fall asleep again. I sighed and tossed around. After a while Kai asked me if I was okay.

“I don’t know, I just can’t get comfortable, I guess,” I told him. I’d rolled over to face him and his nose was only inches from mine.

“Is it because of me?” He asked.

“Yes,” I teased him with a smile.

“Ha, you’re hilarious,” He smiled back.

“I know. I should go around camp telling jokes all day,” I chuckled.

“Aili?” Kai asked softly. His voice was hesitant as if he wasn’t sure of his words.

“Huh?”

“I don’t know if it’s too soon to say this but I love you. I really do. I think I have since the moment I saw you. I just… I love holding you and kissing you, just being near you; it makes me feel like everything is right in me and in the world. I’m sure that sounds stupid, but I just wanted you to know,” He said. His tone sounded a little ashamed.

“I love you too,” I whispered. I knew it was true but it still made me nervous to say it.

He pressed his lips gently to mine, and when he pulled away he kissed my forehead too. He was being so gentle, as if he thought I might disintegrate. And when I thought I’d never fall asleep, I went under.

There was a fire in the camp. I could smell the sweet burning of wood and acidity of chemicals and bodies. I shot up in my empty bed and snatched my waiting swords from my table as if I’d expected this. When I got out onto the landing, I saw chaos below. People ran in terror through the paths and men and women, both wild and wearing uniforms, chased them. I didn’t hesitate or didn’t bother with my ladder, I flipped off of my landing. I landed with a dull thud on the ground but it wasn’t painful.

I pushed off from the ground and ran as fast and as hard as I could through the path. I let my swords slice through every enemy I could see, even enemies who used to be allies. I didn’t wait for their bodies to drop, lifeless, to the ground before I was moving on. There were too many of them. They were coming into camp from all sides.

“Aili!” I heard him yell my name and I felt my blood run cold. Kai was yelling for me. I ran hard, trying to find him, but every time I thought I was getting closer to his voice it echoed from somewhere else. I ran into the meadow, as if by instinct I knew he would be there and I was right. He stood, completely unharmed, in front of the tree we had sat at that night. I took a step towards him, breathing a sigh of relief, and then I saw he was gushing blood from his throat and the Commanders stepped out of the shadows around him. Their grins were of pure evil.

“
No
!” I screamed. I sat up in bed, gasping for air again.

“It was just a dream,” Kai said hurriedly as he sat up in bed beside me. I looked at him, feeling desperation cutting through me. I put my hands gently against his intact throat. No blood. Nothing had happened.

“What was it?” Kai whispered, his voice sleepy. He brushed his fingers through my long hair. “Tell me what happened.”

I shook my head. “No.”

“How am I supposed to make you feel better if I don’t know what’s making you feel this way?” He asked.

“Will you promise me something?” I asked, the desperation dripping in my tone.

“Of course.”

“Swear to me, on my life, that you will never, ever break this promise, okay?”

“Okay,” Kai said, obviously confused.

“Swear to me that you will never, ever let
them
hurt you. Never. No matter what they do to me,” I whispered.

“No,” He shook his head. I could see the grimace on his face at my request.

“Please,” I begged him, feeling a sob shaking me.

“If they ever hurt you, I would kill as many of them as I could until they got me and then I would join you in whatever happens after this life,” He said.

“No,” I sobbed. “I can’t… You can’t… I…”

“Shh,” Kai brushed the back of his hand across my cheek, “I won’t let them hurt you so there’s no point in promising, okay?”

I shook my head, ready to complain but the words wouldn’t come. He would never listen. I could only hope that when it was too late to realize he couldn’t save me and change it that he would remember my pleading and he would get as far away from them as he could.

I didn’t go back to sleep. Kai convinced me to lay back down with him so I did, facing him. He rubbed my arm with his rough palm until he fell back to sleep. I had stopped sobbing but the tears still flowed easily, soaking into my pillow. I stared into the darkness, trying to think of anything to distract myself. I didn’t know how much longer I could keep living with all of this agony. I knew why I was seeing death in my dreams so often. I had always dreamt of death and so many of my memories were filled with murder; now that I had Kai I was terrified of bringing that past into my future.

Before dawn broke, I got up as quietly from the bed as I could. I wanted to kiss Kai’s cheek before I left but I couldn’t bring myself to. I didn’t want to wake him and worry him even more than I already had. I climbed silently down the ladder, and once my feet hit the path I strode away easily. I knew he was worried about the Zealots who couldn’t be convinced that I was no danger to them, but I wasn’t. What’s the worst that they would do to me? Kill me? I welcomed my own death with open arms and it would be all the more karmic if it was by a Zealot’s hands.

As I was walking, someone appeared from a y-shaped connecting path. I looked at her in surprise and said her name so softly that I didn’t think she could hear me, but she looked up anyway.

“Aili,” Kita said as if in surprise. “What are you doing up so early?”

“Couldn’t sleep,” I replied honestly.

“Well, I could always use a hand in the kitchen if you’re looking for something to keep busy with,” She told me. I could tell from the way she said it that she wouldn’t be upset if I hadn’t joined her, but she would be pleased to have the company. So even though I knew nothing of cooking, I followed her to the familiar hut that I always got my food from.

“It must get tiring always cooking for everyone by yourself. Getting up early and staying up late,” I mentioned. I watched her as she started fires in the multiple fireplaces.

“Well, I do enjoy it. Sometimes I’m tired but… Well, I don’t sleep much,” She shrugged as if it didn’t matter one way or another.

“Neither do I,” I mumbled.

“Have you ever cooked anything before?” She asked me.

“Food on a campfire. I caught fish a few days ago and cooked that,” I told her.

“So you’re useless to me,” She winked at me.

“I guess so,” I chuckled.

“No way. Even useless help is better than no help at all, I think,” She nodded. Kita grabbed a heavy wooden block and brought it to the table I stood beside near the front door. She hoisted the block up on the table with a grunt and evened it out with the edge of the table. Then I watched as she gathered brown, dirty looking potatoes and threw them up on the table.

“You’re good with a knife,” She said. She wasn’t asking so I knew she wasn’t oblivious to my nickname either. She nodded at the potatoes. “Cut ‘em up. Dice ‘em. Rinse ‘em off, toss ‘em in a pot. Easy as pie.”

“Got it,” I nodded. I set to work immediately. I was good with a knife so dicing the potatoes was easy work for me. Unfortunately it wasn’t mind-numbing and I relived the horror from my nightmare again and again until Kita started talking.

“I heard a rumor,” She told me.

“Oh?” I wondered where this was going.

“There’s gonna be a little baby crawling around here soon,” She said.

“Whose?”

“Marley. That girl, pregnant? It’s crazy for me, I knew her when she was just a teenager herself. Now she’s gone and got herself knocked up,” She told me. She sounded like she was complaining but I could see the smile on her face.

“I didn’t know she was with anyone
to
get pregnant. Not that… you know, you have to be, I guess,” I shrugged and went back to my potatoes.

“She’s been with that boy since she was a little girl. His name’s Aren. Sweet boy, surprised you haven’t met him. Then again, I guess you’ve been busy. He’s a hunter so he’s gone a lot. And don’t you go telling anybody either. I think me and Tali are the only ones who know,” Kita shook her knife at me.

“We all have our little secrets. I wouldn’t tell anyone,” I said sounding a little mournful.

“I don’t think you know much about secrets,” Kita mused.

I stopped what I was doing and just stared at her as if daring her to forget who I was. She shook her head when she noticed. “I just mean to say that what you’re feeling is written all over your face. Besides, I can smell fear from a mile off. If you wanna talk about it, I’ll listen. Won’t tell anybody either.”

I thought about her offer for only a second, it seemed like the words were just ready to spill out of me like a dam breaking. I sucked in a deep breath and then my words were out of me like a shot. “I’m afraid something is going to happen to Kai.”

“I think I remember hearing about you two getting together. That’s nice. What do you think might happen?”

“I don’t know. I had a dream last night, or… this morning, whichever you’d prefer to call it, about the camp getting invaded and they cut his throat and it was awful. He tried to tell me it was just a dream but it doesn’t feel like just a dream. It feels real. He wouldn’t promise me to keep himself safe if something ever happened to me either,” I said, talking too fast. I wasn’t sure she had even gotten everything I’d said.

“He’s stubborn that one. He thinks he can save the world,” She shook her head sadly at her knife.

“Maybe just one is enough,” I whispered to the potatoes.

“You just have to let yourself live in the moment, baby doll. I won’t tell you not to be afraid of your dreams but I will tell you this… You can’t live in fear of tomorrow because that’s not living, and you can’t regret the past because the past is what led you here,” She told me.

“You must not have had anything in your past to regret,” I mumbled.

“I have plenty to regret. More than you, probably. I don’t let myself because there’s no point. Can’t go back and change it, and if I could, I wouldn’t. All that stuff, that’s what made me who I am today and I can proudly say that I think who I am is alright,” She smiled at me.

“That would be nice,” I mused to myself.

“Take it one day at a time.”

“Do you think if I can do that then maybe I won’t have such bad dreams anymore?” I asked her.

“No,” She smiled sadly. “Why do you think I can’t sleep much?”

I frowned at the idea of never being able to sleep again. Then again, I always had somewhere to go early in the morning now.

As dawn was blooming, Kita shooed me away. Almost as soon as I got outside, the air seemed downright cold comparatively, I heard footsteps pounding towards me.

“Great. There you are,” Kai glared when he saw me.

I looked at him, feeling a stab of shame. “I didn’t want to wake you up.”

“Well, you should have. I had no idea if you’d run off again or if something bad had happened to you,” He shook his head and ran his hand across his face.

“I’m not going to run off,” I grumbled at him. “And I took care of myself for over ten years without your help. I don’t need a babysitter.”

“Is that what you think this is about? You think I’m trying to
babysit
you?” Kai asked me incredulously.

“Well, isn’t it?”

“No, God damn it! I’m
worried
about you. I mean, fuck, Aili, look at what you went through for
weeks
and I had to just sit there and wait it out even though I
knew
you were paying attention. And you’re not really better, you’re just up and moving around now. It’s a good thing, it’s a start, but that doesn’t mean you’re okay,” He said, frustrated.

I could see people starting to head down the pathway towards the huts and I felt the bitter sting of tears as I looked at Kai. “I killed more people than I can count because I was participating in a war when I had no
clue
there was another way to survive. So no, of course I’m not okay. And I don’t need
you
reminding me that I’m fucked up all the time. Or wait, is that too
out of control
to say?”

I spun on my heel and walked away from him but he was right behind me, not letting me leave so easily. “That’s not fair, Aili. You had a bad dream and when I woke up you were gone. Can you blame me for freaking out?”