Ashes of the Stars (10 page)

I sucked in a slow breath of the hot air and I looked at Whitestrand. He stood stiffly at my side and he didn’t look at me. He had brought me here to find peace. How could I begrudge him that? How could I start trying to be a better person if I was in constant turmoil?

“Maybe,” I whispered. “I should try to say goodbye to the bad person I used to be.”

“Yeah!” Pio’s loudness and sudden exclamation startled me. I looked at him curiously as he jumped to his feet. I watched as he purposefully straightened up as tall as he could without standing on his tip-toes and with his arms straight at his sides, and looking more like a Legionnaire prodigy than he ever should, he shouted as loudly as he could to the sun, “
Goodbye, bad Aili
!”

I felt tears in my eyes and a smile on my lips. He waited, listening to his voice echoing and once the echo was too faint for our ears, he looked at me questioningly. I nodded at him, not trying to hide the gentle stream of tears.

“You try,” Pio urged me.

“Oh?” I asked him.

He tugged on my arm. “Come on. I don’t think it works unless you do it, too.”

“Okay.”

I stood up slowly right at his side. He stood in his attention stance and when I didn’t change mine he looked up at me with raised eyebrows. “No, you have to stand like this. It doesn’t work if it’s not proper.”

“Oh,” I chuckled. I mocked his stance, remembering the many times I had stood before the Commanders. My spine was made of steel, my face pointing straight ahead, my arms straight at my sides. I clenched my hands into fists and squared my shoulders.

“You have to yell it,” Pio told me seriously.

I wanted to tell him ‘okay’ but I was remembering this stance, remembering the orders I had been given to go and murder people and destroy camps. Could I ever let go of that person? Could I ever find who I was really or who I was supposed to be? Would duty ever leave my body? Would there ever be a time my stance wouldn’t be the perfect model of a Legionnaire Captain?

“Aili,” Pio whined. “You’re not doing it.”

“Right,” I whispered. I took in as deep a breath as I could and I shouted, “
Goodbye, bad Aili
!”

I waited until the echo faded and then I looked down at Pio. “How was that?”

He shrugged. “You kinda suck at yelling.”

“Don’t be rude, Pio,” Whitestrand said, finally breaking his silence.

“Sorry,” Pio told both of us and then just me, “You have to
really
yell as loud as you can or else she’ll never hear you. It’s a big jungle, you know.”

“Got it,” I said, straightening my head back again. I looked into the sunset and thought of yelling loudly enough so that the murderer in me would get it and disappear. I thought of the two parts of me and realized that maybe it wasn’t the bad parts of me that needed to hear my voice but the good parts that needed to know it was safe to come out again.

“
Goodbye, bad Aili
!” I screamed so loudly that my throat felt like it was tearing apart. As soon as the words were out and echoing around me, I let out a slow breath and closed my eyes. I listened to the echo, my voice telling the bad parts to leave me. I listened even after the echo had stopped, listening for the good parts trying to take over the bad. I felt hot tears sliding down my cheeks and dripping off of my chin.

“Do you feel better?” Pio asked me, breaking my focus.

I opened my eyes and looked down at him. I saw a smile spread across his face and I smiled back at him. I didn’t know what it was but I
did
feel better. It was only a tiny difference but my heart didn’t feel quite as heavy.

When Whitestrand and Pio were ready to go back to camp, I wasn’t. The stars had come out and there were so many of them that I was hard pressed to find a gap of darkness in the sky. They were beautiful, winking at me so often it was like an explosion of shimmering light in the sky. I didn’t think but I didn’t have to force the thoughts out of my head. Looking up at the sky, being all alone out here, I just felt free. My mind was blank.

Old habits died hard, I learned after a short while of solitude. I heard footsteps approaching; it sounded like someone was trying to be quiet but failing. I felt my heart speed up, adrenaline coursed through my veins like wildfire. I cocked my head to the side just slightly so that I could hear better.

“It’s just me,” I heard someone say as the footsteps approached. It hadn’t been long but I knew Kieran’s voice now just as well as Finn’s.

“Whitestrand send you to check up on me?” I asked, relaxing the tense set of my shoulders. The adrenaline didn’t fade away as easily but it was starting to simmer down.

Kieran sat down beside me and crossed his legs, placing his palms on his knees. He looked out across the night sky. “Whitestrand doesn’t send anyone anywhere. He just told me you wanted to stay out here and I thought maybe…”

“It would be a good time to talk,” I mumbled, tilting my head back. The sky didn’t seem quite as peaceful anymore somehow.

“Not about what happened to you,” Kieran sighed. “Trust me, Tali has gotten on my case enough in the last two days about letting you talk in your own time. I am not going to risk pissing that woman off.”

I smiled and shook my head. “You two seem good together.”

“She is my Beatrice,” He sighed happily this time.

“Which would make you Dante?” I was amused at the thought.

“I suppose. It’s more that she’s my guiding light through the Hell that we all have to walk,” He answered.

“Hell,” I mused. “If it’s worse than this, I’d rather just stop existing altogether.”

Kieran chuckled at my thought. “Hell is just a metaphor for all of the miserable shit that people do and live through. This
is
Hell.”

“And yet, what happens to us when we die?”

“Oh, don’t even bother wondering. Mom used to say we became stars in the night sky, Dad thought we turn into the Earth’s natural resources and that’s why we still have so many resources left. Because all those people died,” Kieran shrugged.

“What happened to Whitestrand’s wife?” I asked abruptly. I hadn’t even realized that I’d been thinking about it, but now it was all that was on my mind. I didn’t really want to talk about parents that I couldn’t remember.

Kieran looked at me out of the corner of his eye but kept his head tilted up towards the sky. He took a deep breath before he answered, “She left him.”

“I’m sorry, what?” I frowned. “I was told she was dead.”

“She
is
dead,” Kieran answered. “She left him and our camp and she died a few weeks later.”

“What… What happened?” I frowned at the thought. I couldn’t fathom it.

“Don’t ask questions you don’t really want the answer to, Aili,” Kieran told me.

“Do you think you’re going to make me lose my mind again?” I asked him seriously.

“I don’t know, Aili. You’re the one who doesn’t want to talk about that stuff,” Kieran sighed.

“You’re right, I don’t. Are you not going to tell me what happened to Whitestrand’s wife?” I asked him.

“She was killed by Legionnaires, people like you,” Kieran told me seriously.

“Are you sure it wasn’t me?” I hissed, looking away from him.

“I’m positive it wasn’t you. We know who did it,” He answered.

We were silent for a long time before I said, “I still don’t understand why she left in the first place.”

“Because she lost her mind, just like you. Whitestrand brought you out here because he found peace here after she was gone, but he also brought you out here because on her good days, when she could be persuaded to make the trip, she said this place calmed her. He just wants to help, we all do,” Kieran said.

“Can I ask you something personal?” I wondered.

“Of course.”

“What was it like to find out that your sister is the Reaper?” I asked. I winced at my nickname even as I was saying it but I had to phrase it that way so he would understand. The Reaper was who I would always be.

“It feels like failure.”

Chapter Ten

I wished that life were simple. I wished it was as easy as deciding I didn’t want to sit around in a stupor anymore and that would wipe the insanity that wracked my body away. I wished that yelling to the empty jungle would banish the evil inside of me, and that my rapidly forming affection for Pio didn’t ravage my heart and soul for the pain of what I’d done to other children and families. I wished that my bonding moment with Kieran days before hadn’t sent me spiraling into doubt about him and myself and our family.

As days passed I could feel myself getting quieter and quieter. I could feel myself pulling back inside like a turtle into its shell. I watched the people, saw their expressions darken as I passed. Everyone backed off, tried not to force me into conversation or keeping me company though I still noticed their wary expressions as they watched me.

On the day I moved out of my medical hut and into my very own tree house, Tali escorted me and carried my small amount of items for me. I watched her carefully as she handled my swords, my twin blades that mocked an old world society of warriors. They had been made specially for me by Finn’s father before he’d died. Once we’d climbed up the ladder and Tali had put my things down on a small table near the entrance, she begged off ostensibly to let me get familiarized with my new lodging.

There was a little loft area with a bed and a small nightstand up a very short ladder. Underneath of the loft was a wooden partition, and behind that was a wash basin and a dresser. Out in the open there was a table, and on the opposite walls were cabinets for storage. I started to put away my measly belongings, but I stopped when I saw my swords, still in their sheaths on my belt.

I felt anger rip through me unexpectedly. I didn’t know what to do with it. Kai had told me that I needed to get my emotions under control and
was
I out of control? My hands were trembling and it felt like raw power was flowing through my veins, burning my muscles. I made a snap decision, putting my belt on. I didn’t think as I climbed down the ladder leading away from my house.

As soon as my feet hit the ground, I took off at a sprint towards the jungle. I passed by people but this time I didn’t see their looks of anger or disbelief or whatever the hell these people felt about me. It felt wonderful to have the too warm air rushing past me, it felt cool on my skin. I wanted to close my eyes and pay attention to nothing but the noises around me. There were yelps as people jumped out of my way, gasps and hisses after I had passed. There was conversation that halted when I neared. I didn’t know where I was going when I was free of the camp and running up one of the steep hills. I was panting, gasping for air by the time I reached the top but I didn’t hesitate.

“Aili!” I heard a shriek behind me. It was distinctly female. I thought the only woman who would talk to me would be Tali but it wasn’t her voice. The voice faded as I let gravity drag my legs faster and faster down the hill. As I was nearing the bottom, I pulled my swords loose from their sheaths.

I
flew
through the air as I launched off the hill. I flipped forward easily like I had done when I was younger. As I headed back to the ground I shot my arms out and struck two trees with my swords. There were two clangs but they rang in perfect harmony. I twisted up to a standing position and attacked the trees. I didn’t pay much attention to how I moved after that, I just let my body flow with natural rhythm as I attacked the defenseless trees. This was how it had always been. I had always attacked the defenseless. They had been just as still as the trees were now.

I knew there was another person here, probably multiple. I was only fully aware of another’s presence when my sword clanged against metal instead of wood. I froze where I stood, one arm behind me and bowed towards my opponent like I was showing respect. My legs were twisted underneath of me but it wasn’t uncomfortable. I looked up through my lashes to see Kai standing before me. He had a jungle sword held out in front of him, holding my sword back. His body was as still as mine was and though I could see he was trying to hide it, his eyes betrayed his fear of me. He was afraid. I didn’t look at anyone else.

“Are you so lost without fighting?” Kai asked me carefully, only a faint tremble to his voice.

I straightened up and stabbed my swords into the ground right beside me. “What do you know?”

“I know a lot,” Kai said, furrowing his brows with confusion.

“No,” I shook my head and left my swords sticking into the ground so that I could cross my arms at my chest. “I mean, what do you know inside of you? What have you always known and been good at?”

I saw the clarity dawn on his face but his expression was still dark. “These people are
afraid
of you. Do you really think you’re helping your case or
mine
by running through camp like a madwoman with weapons?”

“Well, you know what?” I looked past him finally. The top of the hill was crowded thickly with the people from the camp. Some of them looked righteous and pissed. Tali and another woman I’d seen but never met stood back from Kai, closer to the bottom of the hill than we were. I shook my head in disappointment at the people and then I looked back to Kai. “Some of those people are cooks and some are seamstresses, some are masons and some make furniture. All I have
ever
done is kill people. I’m useless. And sometimes, like right now, I need to blow off steam.”

“Is that what this is? You want to blow off steam?” Kai asked, frowning at me.

“
Yes,”
I whispered, pinching the bridge of my nose between my thumb and forefinger.

“None of us knew that.”

“And it’s really none of anyone’s business anyway,” I growled at him.

“Fine,” Kai growled back at me. “You wanna blow off steam? Okay, fight me then.”

“I’m not going to fight you. I’m not interested in fighting
people
,” I snarled at him. It sounded like disgust dripping from my lips.

“You sparred with people when you trained, when you were rising in rank. So learn how to spar without planning to kill people. Come on,” Kai told me. He nodded at my swords and put both hands on the hilt of his sword. He took a deep breath and I could see the fear still in his eyes.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” I shook my head.

“You won’t,” Kai whispered fervently.

I stared at him for a minute before I grabbed my swords out of the ground. I took a step away from him and made an X with my blades in the air before him. I pressed one leg into the ground behind me as if I were preparing to take off running. I winced as I looked at Kai on the dangerous end of my swords. I felt tears burn into my eyelids.

“Are you ready?” Kai asked softly.

“No,” I answered, but I pushed off the ground towards him anyway. His eyes widened and he barely managed to block my attack, he didn’t manage to block my second attack but before my left hand sword almost chopped off his leg, I stopped the motion of my arm and I skittered backwards. I dropped my swords at my sides on the ground. “I can’t.”

“Obviously you can,” Kai said, a little breathless from his fear.

“I don’t mean I’m not
able
,” I glared at him. “It’s just that… well… I can’t spar someone who can’t even block a basic attack.”

“Are you saying I
suck
?” Kai glared back at me.

“Fight
me
,” The woman beside Tali that I didn’t know stepped up. I eyed her. She was a broad woman, thick with muscle. She had very short, fiery red hair. Her eyes were celery green and she had a thick smear of freckles across her pale nose.

“No,” Kai answered for me.

“I’m not asking,” The woman glared at me. Before I could react, she came at me with a dagger. Her eyes were wild and fierce and unrelenting. I managed to roll out of the way of her attack just in time and I grabbed my swords from the ground. I couldn’t get a grip on one of my swords’ hilts so as I was rolling past, I gripped the blade and kept going. I could feel the metal slice through my gauze bandages but I didn’t have time to react to the pain. I could hear her advancing behind me. I heard something cutting through the air but it didn’t sound like a sword. It was only a faint shimmer of sound but it was enough to tell me what it was. I threw my sword over my shoulder and covered my back with the blade. Sure enough after a second, there was a sharp ringing noise that filled the air as a small dagger hit my sword.

I spun around in the air and tossed my blade that was cutting into my palm in the air. I grabbed it by the hilt and blocked another three throwing daggers out of the air in quick succession. As she darted in and out of the trees, her eyes harsh as she checked over me for flaws, she kept throwing daggers at me and I kept knocking them out of the air. I would have dodged them but I was terrified that they might hit someone else.

As I blocked her daggers, wondering if there was ever an end to them, I started advancing towards her. When I was halfway towards her, nearly running now, she seemed to have run out of daggers to throw. She pulled out twin kukri knives. We ran at each other. This woman was lethal but she had nothing on me. Why were people not afraid of
her
? Oh right, my reputation.

I flipped my swords over in the air as her arms came down on me and I smacked the inside of her wrists with the dull edge of my blades. I watched as her hands crumpled, dropping her knives, and her arms flew out to the sides. She was panting, gasping for air and smiling up at me like she’d just had fun. When I found my lips pulling back into a smile I realized that I had enjoyed sparring with her.

“I’m Marley,” The woman said, shooting her hand out in front of her. I stuck one of my swords into the ground and shook her hand firmly.

“Aili,” I said.

Marley hadn’t even caught her breath when I saw her eyes widen as she looked over my shoulder. I could hear something whistling through the air. It didn’t sound as sharp as knives or swords, it sounded duller.

Arrows.
I threw my arm up in the air as I spun around and brought it down hard on the arrow as it reached me. My blade snapped the wood in two, the pieces flying apart. I narrowed my eyes towards the top of the hill, searching for the bow. I saw it, finally, towards one of the ends of the crowd, a white lock of hair hanging off to the side of it.

“Sorry,” Whitestrand yelled down to me. I could see his wide, boyish grin even from this distance. “Had to take my shot, too.”

I laughed and shook my head. When Whitestrand nocked another arrow, the laughter died away quickly. I thought he was trying to shoot me again but he turned his bow far enough to the side that I saw I was not his target at all. He wasn’t watching Whitestrand, I felt the hitch in my throat just as I heard Whitestrand loose his arrow straight towards Kai’s back.

I pushed off of the ground towards Kai. Anger propelled me forward. It was one thing to take a shot at me but Kai couldn’t even hear the subtle noise of a weapon flying straight towards him. I only had one of my swords and I was always better with two. Panic nearly seized me but I pushed it away. Kai was too far away, the arrow flying too quickly. I was too slow, only human, and I couldn’t save him from this. I couldn’t knock this arrow out of the air so I did the only other thing I knew to do. I dove for Kai’s back. I felt the burn and shredding of my muscles as the arrow sliced into me. The pounding in my ears was the loudest thing I could hear. A dull numbness seeped through me and the arrow sticking out of my shoulder was only a minor throb. I heard yelling and screaming after a moment, when I opened my eyes all I saw was red. I shot to my feet and snatched my sword. I found Whitestrand through narrowed eyes and started towards him, pounding my feet into the ground.

“Stop, stop, stop,” Kai begged me. He grabbed my wrist, but not hard enough to make me drop my sword.

“Let go of me,” I growled, still staring at Whitestrand. He had his bow at his feet, his hands folded over the top. He looked down the hill at me, his eyes locked onto mine, and he didn’t look afraid or upset in any way.

“Look, look at him,” I hissed to Kai as he wrapped an arm around my stomach and pulled me back, my body twisted, against him. “He
wanted
to shoot me. He’s not my fucking
friend,
he’s an enemy.”

“He’s not,” Kai whispered only to me. “Look at the camp.”

I turned my head away from Whitestrand and saw the onlookers from the camp rushing down the hill towards us. Some of them looked confused but others looked upset. I couldn’t find a trace of anger or disgust towards me as I looked through the mob.

I felt my anger vanish as quickly as it had come on and I let someone, I didn’t know who, take my sword from me. The pain was ripping through me like a different kind of fire now. My entire right arm and torso exploded into searing agony. I let my eyes find Whitestrand again, still standing on top of the hill, saw his unchanged expression.

“Are you okay?”

“That was incredible!”

“She’s bleeding a lot, help her!”

Everyone was trying to talk over each other but I ignored them. I leaned back into Kai and I closed my eyes.

“Need morphine,” I heard Tali telling someone, “And a scalpel.”