Ashes of the Stars (7 page)

“There’s nothing we can do? Did we really find her after all these years just to watch her die? She’s just a baby, still. She’s still my little sister,” I heard Kieran telling the woman. I couldn’t see him.

“She doesn’t
want
to be saved, Kieran,” The woman sighed heavily.

She was right. Somehow she knew that about me. I didn’t want to be saved.

“How could she? She doesn’t even realize that a life outside of the war is possible and we can’t fucking get through to her to make her see that!” Kieran snapped. His voice wasn’t loud but the anger in it ran deeply.

“It’s not about what life is like without the war
now.
It’s about what she’s already been through,” The woman gave Kieran a look that I couldn’t understand. I didn’t want to hear anymore. I tuned them out, running back through the greatest hits of murder that I had committed just to make sure that I stayed pinned down.

Somebody was sitting in front of me. It was weird. They’d grabbed a chair and put it against the wall on the opposite side of the bed where I stared. They sat down in it and stared right back at me. I felt the curiosity bubbling inside of me. I couldn’t see who it was. It was nighttime and there were no candles burning. I tried to keep myself lucid but I drifted in and out. It was only when I opened my eyes again and stared up at the ceiling did I realize that I’d been falling asleep and my midnight visitor had picked me up and put me in bed. Now I was trapped here by my own choosing until someone decided that it was time to move me again.

I don’t know how long I waited. I flitted in and out between flashes of blood and a wooden ceiling. Eventually someone sat me up in bed and later put me in the chair. His long black hair that he kept pulled back every time I saw him was soft against my cheek as he’d lifted me. His arms were strong, the muscles as hard as rocks and yet somehow still soft, underneath of me. I wondered if he was the nighttime starer.

He sat down on the bed again and slapped his thighs. It didn’t startle me so I was able to not react. I kept my thoughts lucid but I was prepared to check out again if he gave me another hope speech despite his promise. I wanted to know what a man who had made me such promises would have to say to a ghost like me.

He reached off to my side, out of my line of sight, and came back with a steaming bowl of food. My stomach reacted painfully, bile burned in my throat like nausea.

“Okay, so,” The man said, clicking a metal utensil around the ceramic bowl. “I made you promises and that’s fine, I’ll keep them. But you made me no promises so you’re gonna eat for me, got it?”

The petulant, you-don’t-get-to-tell-me-what-to-do kid in me wanted to react with a snort or a head shake. I wanted to press my lips together and stop this new nightmare from occurring. Still, I didn’t want to blow my silence. It took work sometimes to not let anger cross like a film over my vision, or to not cry out in pain when the woman, Tali, changed my bandages on my hands. It took work now. I didn’t open my mouth for him when he lifted a spoonful of some white-looking thing, I couldn’t look at it directly, towards my lips. He pried my mouth open and I didn’t stop him. When he put the food in my mouth I had intended to let it sit there but I didn’t have a choice. It was some hot, creamy liquid that tasted perfect and it slid right down my throat. All it took was a little nudge, it was just like swallowing saliva as I would any other time.

A smile spread across Kai’s beautiful face and transformed it. His eyes were brighter and more youthful, his skin seemed to glow.

“We have this cook,” Kai told me, still grinning as he lifted another spoonful towards my mouth. “I mean, we have quite a few cooks, but Kita, she’s the best. She’s done it all her life, cooking. She can make anything taste like Heaven. Everyone mostly just calls her ‘mom’ around here…”

Kai kept grinning every time he successfully got me to eat. I didn’t think I was being messy but he took a cloth napkin and wiped away some of the food that dripped down my chin every once in a while. I guess that was a downside to not eating cooperatively.

“Your mom used to bake, did you know that?” He asked. He looked down at his/my bowl and I could see the grin was gone. For some reason talking about my mom struck a nerve with him. He shook his head and lifted another spoonful towards my mouth before he continued. “She made the best bread anyone had ever tasted so she was always busy. I like to think that she and Kita would’ve been the best of friends. Kieran seems to think so, too.”

I knew he hadn’t known my mom, not from what Whitestrand had told me before. How long had it been since he’d told me the story about my childhood? But I guessed after so many years with both of them, Kai had learned the stories as well as they had.

“They’re thinking about trying to restore your memories, to give you back what the Legion took away. Kieran wants to, he thinks it’ll help. I don’t think it will, I think it will make things worse for you. So I’m fighting him on it,” Kai told me. I felt a flood of gratitude wash over me for this man who took time to feed me, to talk to me, and now to fight for me. What could I ever do to repay him for all of the kindness that he had shown me?

“I know it seems strange,” Kai said, not looking at me. He hadn’t given me a bite in a few minutes so the food must’ve been gone. He waited as if he thought I might respond and then slowly, I watched his shoulders rise and fall. He took a deep breath and let it go. “I’m talking about your mother and then telling you I don’t want them to give you back your memories. The way I see it, there’s hearing about something and then there’s seeing it through your own eyes. I think it might make you
think
that what you’ve done is worse if you remember who you used to be.”

Kai sighed again and shook his head, finally looking at me. “You’ve got no reason to come back to us.”

His eyes showed a depth of sorrow that I couldn’t place. Why was he so sad about it? I felt a flutter in my heart that I tried to ignore but I couldn’t. I wanted to put my arms around him, give comfort to the boy inside the man. He made my heart ache sometimes, too.

“Your boyfriend really should come see you more. He should be doing this, not me,” Kai’s whisper was more like a hiss of pain. Like the whistling of a tea kettle above a fire. He was hurting and why? My
boyfriend
? He couldn’t mean Finn, could he?

“I’ll see you soon, Aili,” Kai stood up without another word and left the room. For the first time since I’d woken up, I let myself react. I turned my head slowly, and it was strange that it felt like a foreign motion to me. I looked at the door that Kai had left through and stared questioningly at it as if it had any answers for me. I wondered what that was about. His pain and his words, what could they mean? And I wondered what the world would look like to me now that I was only a ghost drifting through it.

Chapter Seven

I learned a lot about the few people that saw me while I was drifting like a boat at sea without an anchor. Kieran held a lot of hatred in his heart for the Legion, mostly for doing this to me, but I thought there was a lot of hatred towards me for turning out this way. He visited often but he didn’t talk much. Tali was his wife, so I had a sister-in-law. She was kind-hearted, she didn’t make judgments towards me with her eyes, body language, or words. She hummed and sang often when she was with me, which was most of the time. She’d gotten her scar in the war from a Zealot, but she called them Clashers. She had been in the Legion too. I didn’t believe that she had ever felt hatred or evil in her heart.

I learned that Whitestrand had a child named Pio. His wife, Pio’s mother, had died a few years ago, before Pio could remember her. I felt a strange pang of sorrow when I learned that if only because I couldn’t remember my mother either. Whitestrand didn’t visit as often as the others but when he did he felt like a comfort to me.

I learned that Finn was happier here than he had been at any point in his life. He had found someone who lived the way he wanted to, freely. They were wildly attracted to each other and were busy exploring, in secret, what they could be to each other. Finn’s pain at my silence resonated in me in a way that made me feel protective, though it wasn’t enough to come out of the shell I’d buried myself in.

Then there was Kai. Kai liked to talk about my brother and my parents. He liked to tell me his secrets. Kai fed me most of my meals, read me stories from books and sometimes he would brush his fingertips so softly against my face that I almost shivered as if a chill were in the air. When he did this, his pain was so apparent on his face that it made me feel like mine was falling apart. If I could have come out of this for anyone, I thought it was probably him.

Then, one day, it happened. I had been put in the chair in the morning by Tali who had tended to my hands. The bandages weren’t quite as thick now and the pain wasn’t so deep but it was still unpleasant. No one showed up after Tali left. No one, though I really meant Kai and didn’t want to think it, came to feed me lunch. No one came as the sun was drifting lower in the sky. Dinnertime came and went and still no one came. When the sun was down, I listened to the distant sounds of the camp. People were spreading their joy around, laughing and carrying on. People were enjoying life. I listened as the hush of sleep rode gentle waves of peace around me and I realized… I hadn’t forced a vision in days. I hadn’t forced myself to think of my murders or my ghosts and they hadn’t appeared on their own. I waited, unhappily, for the one person who could make me
feel
something again. Something real. Something terrifying. He never came.

Slowly, as if to test myself, I twitched my right foot. It ached with disuse but it still worked. I brought my leg out in front of me, lifted it up until it was stretched out and resting against the bed. It hurt to move, and as I did the same thing with my other leg, I wanted to cry. I had been so narrow-minded for so long. I hadn’t spoken a word and I didn’t know how long it had been. People had come to take care of me day in and day out and I had been a child about it.

When I stood up, I was afraid I might collapse underneath my weight, but I didn’t. My legs were trembling, my bones felt like they were vibrating. My body was on fire from the now foreign exertion. I had withered away, and though I had been fed, it was nothing that could be chewed. I had lost so much weight that a gentle breeze might pick me up and carry me away.

Walking felt even worse. My body didn’t want to move; it had grown accustomed to the life of a statue. I forced my feet to move, one in front of the other. When I reached the door, I had trouble pulling it open because of my bandages, but I managed. The dirt path was empty, the flames burning from the trees lit the way. They crackled gently into the night. I looked up high towards the sky and saw a blanket of tree leaves, giant trees that blocked out most of the sky. Between the leaves I could see so many stars that their shine was mesmerizing.

I looked around in awe of the wooden houses both on the ground and in the trees. I had seen this before but it
did
look different now. It looked comforting and peaceful. I walked aimlessly for what felt like a long time. I was moving very slowly and cautiously so as not to collapse.

When I reached the meadow I paused. The grass was beautiful and soft looking, flowers grew in random places but their petals were closed. The trees weren’t as thick here and I could see a wider portion of the sky. Stars glimmered like precious stones in the sky, they sang down to the world of sleepers.

I heard someone clear their throat behind me and I jumped, scared. I gasped and the sudden rush of air made me feel like I was choking. I spun around and fell backwards, landing with a thud on my back.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to frighten you,” Someone said. I didn’t know this person. He wasn’t much younger than me, nearly an adult. He rushed to my side with his boyish features and chubby cheeks, and dropped to his knees, helping me to sit up. Once I was upright he grinned at me. “Hey, I know you. You’re…”

And I winced, afraid of the nickname that was going to come out of his mouth. With my emotions locked up tightly for so long and now seeing the stars, feeling like the world might be a possibility for someone like me, I couldn’t keep myself in check anymore. I could feel my lower lip trembling and tears started pouring out of my eyes.

“You’re Kieran’s sister,” He frowned at me. “Hey, what’s wrong? Are you hurt?”

I shook my head slowly and looked down at the ground off to my other side.

“Wait here, okay? I’ll be back,” He said. He didn’t give me a chance to agree or disagree before he was on his feet, running down the path. His quick, thumping footfalls grew quieter as he moved further down the path and then I lost sight of him. I wiped frustratingly at my tears, unsure of what to make of myself now. I was like a child, after all. I sat still on the ground because I wasn’t sure what else to do.

It only took a few minutes before there were multiple footsteps running towards me. I looked up with curiosity as the boy ran back towards me, Kieran and Tali right behind him.

“Aili!” Kieran shouted in a tone that was a mix of relieved and shocked.

“Are you okay? Are you hurt?” Tali dropped to her knees beside me now and inspected my bandaged hands and other places on my body that I hadn’t realized were worth checking.

Kieran stood off to the side with the boy, rocking back and forth on his heels and waiting until Tali finished her impromptu examination. When she was done, she sighed and leaned back on the heels of her feet. She looked at me with pure curiosity and nothing else. “How did you get out here?”

“I walked,” I rasped. My voice was hoarse from lack of use and my throat wanted to reject the words I was forcing out. I couldn’t speak much louder anyway. I was disappointed and I didn’t try to hide it. None of these people were the one I wanted to see. It should’ve been
him
I spoke to first.

“So… You just decided to get up and go for a stroll?” Tali asked me. She said it as if it were just astounding.

“I was looking…” I shook my head and opened my eyes. Seeing Tali watching me helped me find the words. I found them just in time to realize that they weren’t the ones I should say in front of these people so I changed them a little without lying. “Looking around. I wanted to see.”

“What happened to you, Aili?” Kieran asked, his voice cold. I saw Tali shoot him an angry look before I could force my head to turn towards him.

“Yes,
that’s
what she needs. Why don’t you just go away, Kieran?” Tali growled at her husband.

“Whatever,” Kieran threw his hands up in the air and walked away from us. I looked back at Tali gratefully and she smiled softly at me.

“How about I walk around with you? Is that okay?” Tali asked me in a polite tone. I couldn’t deny that it sounded a little like she was talking to a child who didn’t quite grasp language yet.

I nodded once, almost curtly. She helped me to my feet and then looped her arm through mine. She didn’t make it seem as if she was supporting me but we both knew that was the case. The boy didn’t follow us and I was glad for that.

“We have visitors today so everything has been a little hectic,” Tali said conversationally. I looked at her questioningly and she continued, “Some people from a Clasher camp showed up. They seem peaceful enough, probably because we live more like them than the Legion, but it’s still been really busy for all of us.”

“Is that why no one came today?” I whispered.

“Wait, what?” Tali asked, stopping abruptly. I looked up at her and her brows were furrowed with displeasure. “No one came by today?”

I shook my head in response. “It’s okay. Everyone has been doing so much to take care of me. I shouldn’t have sounded so ungrateful, like someone
had
to visit me.”

“No one thinks they
have
to visit you. We all do because we want to. I guess you were paying more attention than we thought, huh?” Tali asked with a light blush spreading across her cheeks.

I nodded, keeping my silence. We were broaching territory that I wasn’t ready to share with anyone. Tali fell silent as we walked at a very slow pace around the meadow. I felt satisfied that I was actually having a conversation with someone but I couldn’t help the steady flow of disappointment since she wasn’t the person I’d wanted to talk to.

“Are you hungry?” Tali asked abruptly after we’d walked halfway across the meadow. I nodded. I wasn’t as hungry as I should be, but I was hungry. I knew it would probably help my strength if I did eat something. Tali led me back the way we’d come and as we drew closer to one of the paths, I could smell something delicious in the air, something I hadn’t noticed before.

“Kita’s cooking breakfast. It’s almost dawn so people will be getting up soon. Better get it before the crowd blows through,” Tali told me. She stopped in front of a small, wooden hut’s door and knocked gently.

“Come on in,” A woman called out. Tali pushed the door open and led me inside. The hut was distracting. It was an open room with wooden tables lining the walls, except for the breaks where fireplaces roared, and even a few tables at the center of the room. There were pots and pans that sizzled and bubbled. The smell was even better inside.

“Well, who do we have here?” Kita asked noticing me and standing up straight. The woman wasn’t as old as I’d pictured when Kai had talked about her. She had salt and pepper hair that was pulled back, and a few laugh lines wrinkling her face. Her skin was a deep tan, her arms had a web of thin scars and minor burns.

“Kita, I’d like you to meet my sister-in-law, Aili. Aili, this is everyone’s mom, Kita,” Tali introduced us.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, honey,” Kita smiled warmly at me. Her eyes didn’t show any curiosity or fear or anger. She accepted me, just like that. It warmed the cold feeling that had started coming on when I’d realized I was going to be seeing people soon.

“Kita, no one gave poor Aili any lunch or dinner yesterday. Can we eat early?” Tali asked, morphing her voice into a pathetic sounding plea. I looked at her as Kita did and saw her lower lip poking out just before a grin broke across her face.

“Child, I’m gonna whoop you,” Kita shook her head but she had a smile across her face. She prepared two bowls for us and then shooed us out the door. Tali carried both bowls so that I could concentrate on keeping myself upright.

I had been too busy watching the stars earlier that I hadn’t noticed the trees that were fallen over all over the place. But they weren’t just fallen trees, someone had carved out long benches of the old wood and smoothed them down. She led us to one only a short way into the meadow so I wouldn’t have to walk far, I suspected. I also realized, at the same time, that when people showed up for their breakfast, we would be the first things they saw. She held a bowl out to me and I marveled at the mixture. It looked like eggs and potatoes and some sort of meat mixed together with some creamy, cheesy sauce. My stomach grumbled at the delicious smell. I held my warm bowl in my lap and didn’t take a bite. There was something I needed to know and I wasn’t sure if I was ready.

“What’s wrong?” Tali asked me.

I sighed. I didn’t want to broach this topic but I didn’t have a choice. How safe was I here? Would Legionnaires be here any minute now to steal me away? It was only a week’s march, they could easily already be watching me. I needed to know how long I had left.

“How long was I… have I been…” I trailed off, not sure how to ask. What did I call my mental breakdown without calling it that?

“You were
gone
for about a month,” Tali answered softly. “At least once you got here. I would say about six weeks, total.”

“Six weeks,” It felt like my heart deflated.

Tali nodded and to my surprise she didn’t push the conversation further. She seemed to know that I didn’t want to talk about it. It was a surprise to me.
They
hadn’t come for Finn and I. Maybe we were safe here.

I shoved a small bite of the food into my mouth and chewed slowly, thoughtfully. The flavors exploded in my mouth and it felt like the warmth reached all the way down to the deepest parts of my soul. After that first bite, I couldn’t pay attention to anything else. I didn’t notice the sun starting to rise or the people who were filtering into the meadow. I ate with my head down, savoring each small bite. It took me awhile to chew, even longer if I got a bit of meat, and I tried not to rush it for fear of my fragile stomach.