Arrest-Proof Yourself (7 page)

Part II is also a workbook. It has credentials that you can fill out, cut out, and carry with you. These “street creds” and “car creds” will answer routine police questions and cut short interrogations so that you will be less likely to fumble, mumble, lie, and act out in front of the cops. These creds contain magic words that you need to memorize so that in the confusion of a police encounter you can say the right thing. In heavily policed neighborhoods, staying free requires practice. Cops train constantly to deprive you of your freedom. Shouldn’t you practice how to keep it?

Another feature of Part II is Uncle Dale’s Golden Rule #3:

GIVE COPS YOUR NAME AND BASIC INFO, THEN SHUT THE HECK UP!

This is the short, easy-to-understand version of the most common advice given by criminal defense attorneys. Defendants pay millions each year for this counsel, generally when it’s too late and they’re already in jail. I’m giving you this pearl of wisdom absolutely free
before
you get busted. Knowing when to talk to cops, when to remain silent, and
how
to remain silent are crucial in reducing the severity of charges when you do get arrested.

Some definition is in order here. When I say “Shut the heck up!” I mean be quiet. I mean stop babbling, blah-blah-blahing, blathering, bloviating, chattering, kvetching, and going on and on and on. I do
not
mean clamming up and giving cops some attitude that makes them really want to arrest you.

Part III deals with traffic stops. These are the most common way people encounter police and get arrested. Part III describes how stops are made, why police stop one car and not another, and how your car can be searched and seized during the arrest. Another chapter instructs you how to search your own vehicle for drugs and guns that may have been left by friends or relatives. During traffic stops,
other people’s
pistols, weed, pills, powder, and crystal appear under car seats and in the glove compartment with distressing frequency. If contraband is in the car, it’s legally yours.

The arrest is yours, too.

GOOFY RHYMES AND STRANGE SCENARIOS

Most chapter titles have goofy rhymes. Here’s why:

1. Rap and rhyme are the music of the American street, and this book is a rap and rhyme about avoiding crime.

2. Meter and rhyme have made words easy to remember since the time, 2,700 years ago, when the Greek epic poet Homer sang in magnificent hexameters to rosy-fingered dawn. Of course, most of the rosy fingers I deal with stay busy lifting wallets, easing stereos through windows, or sliding Slim Jims around car door locks. Occasionally I get an artistic type whose rosy fingers can forge a check as pretty as you please.

Another purpose is to communicate the weird humor that pervades criminal justice. Cops, lawyers, and judges witness feats of stupidity that just never happen out in prudent, law-abiding America. Sometimes guys who get arrested leave you speechless with amazement.

Lastly, most authors of how-to and self-improvement books adopt a tone of insufferable moral superiority as they instruct you on your diet, your exercise, your psyche, and your destiny. I have no desire to be a sage. I just want to keep you out of jail, then have a good meal, make love to my wife, take care of my kids, and maybe find a zoot suit and more ’gators
²
on eBay.

Scattered here and there in the book are scenarios. These are fictional narratives often based on real cases. They demonstrate how the factors discussed in the book come together during an arrest. Most importantly, they illustrate how easy it is for ordinary people to get busted.

AIDS TO LEARNING

Part IV, at the end of the book, is a section that includes the golden rules for staying out of jail and the magic words that keep you free. I suggest you repeat these many times. Just shout them out. Who cares what the neighbors think? Saying things aloud greatly assists memory. Recalling these pages in an emergency will go a long way to maintain your freedom.

POLITICAL INCORRECTNESS

There are things in this book that will make people crazy. I define the major condition that makes you likely to get arrested as cluelessness. This is behavioral rather than racial or ethnic. The more clueless you are, the more
available
you are to be arrested—regardless of color, education, and money. Don’t believe this? In a later chapter, I’ll discuss South Beach, a place where rich, successful, mostly white people suddenly get clueless and get busted right and left.

There is lingering racism among police and in the courts. Remedies for gross injustices, however, require years of work, litigation, and legislation. You, however, right now, this very day, can make yourself less clueless and less likely to get arrested and jailed by reading this book. Racism is a problem for society. Cluelessness is a problem for you. It’s something you can control.

Here are warning signs of cluelessness.

You are a little wild and thoughtless or easily influenced.

You think the criminal justice system is like what you see on TV.

You like black gangsta, Latino gangbanger, or white trash music, clothing, attitudes, and styles.

You cannot distinguish gangsta style from the sordidness of criminal life.

You enjoy getting stoned and drunk and think that’s no big deal.

You argue with and beat your family, friends, and sexual partners.

You carry marijuana on your person and in cars.

The criminal justice sausage grinder continually reprocesses clueless petty offenders through the system. Upon release, generally on probation, they continually commit new minor offenses or administrative crimes that get them more time than their original offense.