Arranged by the Stars (16 page)

She’d dreamed of this
moment. Maybe not this exact moment, but a variation of this
moment. Did she think she’d stop time with the power of her mind
when the moment came? She wanted to be able to. Either that or
travel through time so that she could make different, smarter
choices. It would be so easy to walk up to him and wrap her arms
around him and tell him she was wrong. Wrong and sorry and she
wanted to take him up on his proposal. She wanted him. No scratch
that, she needed him in her life, because her body ached for his
touch and his scent.

All she did know was when
those doors slid open and Kieran walked in, things did happen and
she was powerless. Time stopped and her body was motionless, stuck
in that one spot. She watched the veins on the side of his neck,
and saw how taut they were. His gaze swept across the room as he
searched for something.

His arms were stiff at
his side until his gaze found hers. He barely registered Karl
standing beside her, but in a flash it was like nothing changed and
they were back in the clinic again. For that moment a million
thoughts were exchanged and she was sure that love and apologies
were amongst the garble of messages that were part of the
telepathic messages flying across the room. The connection severed
when the monitor beeped and he was pulled back into the real world.
He went to the patient and Ash didn’t exist in his world
again.

Instinct made her step
forward, but Karl pulled her back. She knew their instructions were
clear. They were to observe and not to be in the way. Observe and
learn. She had been led into a false sense of security when she
heard she was being sent to emergency medicine. Kieran would have
been in the surgical department, not emergency medicine. In fact he
should have been in some software company, not here in front of a
patient.

The heaviness in her
chest made breathing difficult. But as much as she wanted to, her
gaze never left his. For six months she’d spent every waking moment
thinking about him, every night dreaming about him. There were
nights she’d wake calling or screaming out for him, now he was here
in front of her. A few steps and she’d be able to touch him. Feel
his skin on hers. Taste his lips. Her body quivered with
need.

Damn it, she
was never going to survive this
.

*****

“
Doctor, his
oxygen saturations are dropping and he is still complaining of
abdominal pain.” The nurse at the patient’s side handed Kieran his
chart.

He was long past getting
the pins and needles sensation in his arm. He’d spent weeks working
through that, but seeing Ash here in the emergency room was a jolt
to his system and he wondered if the faint tingling in his arm was
due to his previous symptoms.

He wasn’t prepared for
the effect of her presence even though he knew she’d be here. In
those countless sessions he’d had with the counsellor, it always
came back to one thing. He had to get past it. There was nothing
physically wrong with him. Deep inside he knew that only Ash could
bring that out in him and that knowledge scared him as much as it
angered him. An emotional entanglement with her was not something
he was prepared for.

He wanted the stiffness
in his muscles to finally ease so he could take a breath without
fear something inside him was going to break. The charts in his
hands felt heavy, his gaze focused until the writing became less of
a blur. Ian was a fifty-year old man who smoked a packet of
cigarettes a day. He came in restless and complaining of back pain
and abdominal pain.

The team around him had
already attached the monitor leads to him and were setting up for
an intravenous line. “Mr Bruce, my name is Kieran, I’m your doctor.
Have you had any medical problems? Any history of having a heart
attack?”

The patient grunted and
then twisted away from him. Kieran placed his stethoscope on his
chest and listened to the thudding of his heart. Nothing
abnormal.

He turned to the nurse.
“Do you have that ECG result? Also organise some morphine for the
pain.”

The nurse handed him the
ECG result and went to the drug cupboard to get the morphine.
Kieran stared at the lines on the ECG looking for a change. Nothing
indicated a heart attack. The room was still in a flurry and his
gaze found Ash’s. The young man she was with wasn’t paying
attention to what was happening, but she was watching his every
move.

If her presence was going
to leave him with that feeling of being choked, he might as well go
back to wearing ties. Even having her in this large consulting room
left him claustrophobic. He’d been a practicing physician for a few
months with no problems, so all this was because of her. He wasn’t
sure why she was affecting him in such a way. He reached across his
left arm with his right and started massaging along the length.
What he should have done, was stayed away from her. Without meaning
to his gaze found hers. She was watching him milk the muscles on
his arm. Why did she have to walk into his life? He was perfectly
fine before he met her. He dropped his hand.

“
Would you
take a manual blood pressure on his right and left arm please?” he
was surprised his voice was cool and calm. Not even a hint of
recognition or yearning.

He saw her hesitate and
look first at the dark haired playboy type that was next to her.
She turned back to him and placed her hand on her chest.
“Me?”

He scanned the room.
There was no one else who could have done the menial task and their
tutor had told him they were capable of doing basic observations.
He’d also had a full run down of all the students and these two
were said to be the top in the class. Though he did have his doubts
about the boy.

When she was finished
with taking the blood pressure from both arms she scratched her
head and looked down at her note pad. She turned to her colleague
and whispered to him. When he started to wrap the cuff around the
patient’s arm, Kieran came closer.

“
What’s the
matter? I needed you to do a blood pressure. What is he doing?”
Kieran’s gaze narrowed.

Ash shrugged. “I asked
Karl to check my results.”

Kieran felt a small bite
of anxiety. He instantly disregarded it. The boy was barely out of
diapers and too pretty for his own good. Wasn’t he? Surely Ash had
better sense than to be charmed by someone like that? “Tell me your
results.”

He watched her swallow
then pause. “There was a difference between the right and left arm.
I knew that couldn’t be right so I asked Karl to check it for me.”
Ash stepped back.

Kieran nodded. His
fingers went to massage his temples. The stiffness in his muscles
got worse. “You weren’t wrong.” The pins and needles sensation came
back and he felt his arm go limp. He had to get through this. He
was past those breathing techniques they taught him. He had to
focus. It was all in his head. This had to do with Johnny and his
loss.

He squeezed his hands
shut. What was he doing? He shouldn’t be here doing this. He should
not be responsible for this man’s life. It was too soon to test
himself, and deep inside the only reason he was here was for
Ash.

She watched him and he
ached for her to walk into his arms. If he could be comforted for
one moment then all of this would be okay. If she told him he could
do this, maybe he would believe her.

Ash let out a deep
breath. “You know what to do. You’re going to fix him.”

Kieran felt the wall he’d
built around his heart crack and he dropped his shoulders. “It’s
not always that easy to fix things Ash. I thought you’d have learnt
that by now.”

He could see her try and
understand and he knew she struggled with the concept. “But you
know what is wrong with him Kieran. You can fix him.”

He was sure he couldn’t
feel his arm anymore. She was so sure she understood everything
about him. She knew nothing. She still lived in her idiolised
world. “I can’t do this Ash. You don’t know what I am capable
of.”

He’d never seen a sight
as beautiful as her watching him with those eyes slanted in
fascination. “You’re wrong, Kieran. I know exactly what you’re
capable of.”

He’d always asked himself
if she was a dream, and now he knew. He’d dreamed her for this very
moment. For this moment when he needed her the most.

He knew that he wanted to
go to her and run his finger along her cheek. He wanted to see her
reaction. Would her eyes widen in anticipation? Would she gaze up
at him and would she lift her chin and part her lips?

He sighed. He wanted to
feel that soft skin again. Breathe in the scent of orchids and
oranges. He knew so many things that he wanted. So many things he
didn’t. She needed to hear the truth. He couldn’t fix this. “Mr
Bruce has a triple A. An Abdominal Aortic Aneurysm. It’s like a
ticking time bomb inside him.”

Thirty minutes later
Kieran had explained the condition to Ian and waited for him to
digest the information, before he handed him the consent
forms.

“
Is this
where I sign my life away,” the older man laughed and then coughed.
“You know Doc, you don’t have to do this. I had a good life. I made
peace with my maker so to speak, so if anything happens, I am
ready.” Ian looked down at the consent forms he was
signing.

“
You are too
young to be talking like that. There is still time to get married,
have children.” As soon as the words came out of his mouth they
grated. Marriage was never something he’d contemplated he’d be good
at until Ash.

Ian smiled. “I had my
chance and blew it. In my book, you only get one chance. I didn’t
make the grade and she was too good for me. There are some people
in this world who are not cut out for things like that. I am one of
them.”

Was that true? Maybe he
was one of those people too. “You don’t think everyone deserves a
chance at happiness?”

Ian coughed and took
several deep breaths. “When I was fourteen years old, I stole the
keys to my dad’s truck. Me and my friends, we got some booze that a
mate’s brother got for us, and we got drunk. Long story short, I
drove drunk and my best friend never made it.”

Kieran watched Ian place
his head in his hands. “It was an accident. You were a
boy.”

Ian lifted his chin and
his eyes were wet. “I took his life. Do you think it was possible
for me to live a happy life knowing he couldn’t live
his?”

Kieran placed his hand on
Ian’s shoulder and squeezed. It was impossible to say anything that
would make him feel any less guilty for how he felt. “Let’s do our
best.”

Before Kieran could leave
the room Ian stopped him. “Doc, don’t try too hard.”

“
I don’t
understand. I will try my best to make sure you get through this,”
Kieran saw the older man shrug.

“
I know you
will. All I am asking is if anything happens today, and things
aren’t looking good,” he paused and bent his head. “No life saving
measures doc. Let me go.”

Three hours later Kieran
stood in a cold theatre as Ian bled out from his abdomen. As
quickly as he filled the cavity with swabs, it turned crimson and
limp and he was forced to remove the blood soaked swabs.

He was so busy packing
and removing swabs from the abdomen he didn’t notice the more he
packed, even more blood gushed out. Thoughts of pins and needles in
his arms didn’t even enter his mind. His goal was to save this
man’s life. But as much as he tried, nothing stopped the cavity
from filling with fluid. The machines beeped at regular intervals
amidst the chaos of movement as people moved in every direction,
like ants scurrying in a flood. Beads of sweat rolled down Kieran’s
face. Why couldn’t he think of one thing to save this man’s life
without going against his last wish? The anaesthetist hung his head
as if he could read his thoughts and shook his head. They couldn’t
prolong this any longer and Ian had made things very clear. No life
extending measures.

There was a moment when
the red gauze reminded Kieran of the blood pouring from Johnny when
he held him. Johnny had told him to keep trying, do whatever he
could to save him. When he couldn’t try anymore and his friend knew
it was time, he made him promise to marry Latha. Then Johnny took
his last breath.

He’d tried so hard to
keep his promise, but when you grow up with someone who is like a
sister to you, it’s close to impossible to close your eyes and tell
yourself you can marry her.

An hour later with a
bunch of bloodied swabs by his side the anaesthetist raised his
hand to say enough. The surgeon opposite him dropped his chin in
agreement. Defeat had a rusty metal taste to it. Kieran’s gaze went
across to the fully gowned figure in the corner. He could barely
make out a shape or form, but he could see the pain in those green
depths and he saw empathy for what he felt. He’d wanted to make a
difference and save Ian’s life, but in the end there was nothing he
could do differently.

Ian had given up this
battle long before he walked into this hospital and there was
nothing he could have changed once that decision was made. The
clock above the theatre door was a big black faced one. It didn’t
remind him of the clock his father had in his office. This one was
not fancy and did nothing but give him shivers of cold down the
centre of his back.