Another Man's Baby (15 page)

“Your behavior is now my fault? You come home
three to four
nights a week late from chasing tail and it’s my fault?”

“Do you really believe I’m doing that?”

Gabi could only glare.

“That’s what I mean. You think I’m stepping out and you’ve resigned yourself to it. I don’t want a martyr, Gabi.”

“Why don’t you try telling me what it is you do want? You’ve been home long enough to get over whatever happened. You’ve asked me to be patient, to have your back. I’ve done that, and now you’re complaining.”

“Having my back is not giving up on us.” His head tilted. “I have a question for you.”

“What?”

“Tell me, what is the prescribed time for getting over things you thought you would never do? What is the time frame for getting over taking someone’s life?”

“It was war.”

“What is the time frame for feeling guilty about recruiting kids to send them into this madness?”

“It’s your job.”

“That wasn’t the question. I want to know how long you think it’s proper to feel the way I do.”

“I have no idea. Why don’t you talk it over with your therapist?”

“Right now are you hurt or angry, Gabi?”

“I’m pissed.”

“Then why don’t you go with that? The long-suffering wife is not a role you wear well and it’s not one I want to see.”

Gabi stood to check the pizza. “So, you want me to go stone ghetto on your ass? Let me repeat, I’m not your mother and I’m not your commanding officer. If that’s what it takes to have your back, then I guess I no longer have your back.” She slid the pizza on the platter, cut wedges, placed the plates on the table and proceeded to eat.

So that was what he wanted
, Gabi fumed. Her husband had no idea. She resisted the urge to smash the pizza into her husband’s face. He was making her tired. Pick a mood, any mood, she thought, and stay with it.

“Are you still praying for us, Gabi?”

“No,” she answered and continued eating.

“What happened to having faith?”

“Fairy tales, Eric. I’ve stopped believing in them. I count it lucky that the one prayer I prayed was answered. You came home…alive. Perhaps I should have prayed for more.”

Eric didn’t have an answer for Gabi’s statement. He wondered if that was the reason that his life had been spared. Was it because of Gabi’s prayers, because of the prayers of his mother? He shuddered. That couldn’t be the reason. The entire
United States
was in constant prayer over the safety of the troops, or so he’d been told on many occasions.

“I do love you, Gabi.” Eric gazed at his wife, somehow knowing this time she would not return the endearment. They ate in silence.

“Want to watch television with me?” Gabi asked at last, unable to bear the deafening silence. Her breath hitched and she swallowed. “I mean, if you’re staying home.”

“What’s on?” Eric’s eyes held hers. He’d seen her swallow, saw the quiver as her breath became trapped in her chest. He wanted to tell her again how sorry he was that he was no longer the man she’d married and loved.

But how many times could you tell a person that you were sorry, especially when he didn’t know if he would stop hurting her. She was watching him. It made his heart hurt and he ached for them. For a moment he wanted to ask her to continue praying for them. He wanted to pray for them himself but he didn’t know how.

“Gabi, what do you want to watch?” he asked again.

“I taped a few episodes of
Spouses Cheating,
” she said, spooning the broccoli cheese soup into her mouth. Gabi watched as Eric’s eyes lifted and he stared at her.

“Sure, why not? I’ll make popcorn.”

***

Gabi could feel Eric’s eyes on her as they watched the taped shows of spouses catching their partners in the act of cheating. “Hey,” she said, turning toward him, “would you like to go dancing this weekend at that club in
Joliet
you’ve been going to?”

“I didn’t tell you I’d been to
Joliet
.”

“No,” Gabi said, reaching for a handful of popcorn, then turning deliberately toward the television. Eric turned also.

“Are you having me followed, Gabi?”

She frowned, looked at Howard Deeds, the host of the  show, and smiled. She stared for a long moment at the couple hitting each other, screaming and generally making fools of themselves in front of the millions of people watching the show.

“I would never do what those people are doing,” Gabi said, not quite answering her husband’s question. “I can’t imagine wanting the entire world to know I’d been played for a fool.” She reached for more popcorn. “So, do you want to go dancing?”

“How did you know I’d been to
Joliet
?”

“Tracie and Jamilla were there. Jamilla said you danced with her.”

“And?”

“And nothing.” Gabi looked at him as though he were nuts, pretending that she wasn’t dying inside. “I just wanted to know if you wanted to go dancing with me. We haven’t been out in a while. I’d like to go.”

“Why the club in
Joliet
?”

“No special reason. I just figured if you liked it, it must be good. If you don’t want to go there we can go some place else.”

She was playing it cool, but not cool enough. Eric saw the tiny quiver around her lips. He stared at her throat, saw her swallow several times and knew what she was asking him: Have you cheated?

Well, it depended on how one looked at it. He remembered Jimmy Carter saying once that he’d cheated in his heart. Eric understood now exactly what the ex-president meant. He’d also cheated in his heart. He ran his tongue over his lips, thinking Gabi would be better off without him. He was not doing anything but hurting her but somehow he couldn’t seem to release her.

“I don’t want to go dancing,” he answered at last. He saw the way Gabi bit her lip and hated himself for hurting her deliberately. “Maybe we can catch a movie, maybe a comedy.” She smiled and it was all that he could do not to go to her and gather her in his arms. He’d only thrown her a crumb. Eric was ashamed of himself, but the spiraling was happening so quickly that he didn’t have the momentum to stop it. He was afraid now to touch her, afraid that he’d not be able to complete the act.

“Do we have anything for an upset stomach?” he asked as the acid churned in his belly from the guilt that was eating him up. Nothing had lessened since he returned home. Instead it was increasing—his guilt over the war and his guilt over the hurt he was heaping on his wife. Eric didn’t know how much more he could take.

“Yeah, there’s a bottle of antacid in the fridge. Did the dinner upset your stomach?”

“No,” he said, leaving the room to get the antacid, wanting to tell her it was the guilt that was eating a hole in his intestines. Maybe it was a good thing Gabi had forced the physical exam on him. Eric didn’t think he was in such good shape.

Gabi watched Eric’s back as he walked away. She was shaking so hard that she wrapped her arms around her body. Her cooking wasn’t what had upset her husband’s stomach, she decided. It was more than likely the show they were watching. If he was uncomfortable watching it, that was just too bad. If you didn’t cheat, it shouldn’t bother you. She reached for the pillow from the sofa and screamed into it, muffling her sound with the fabric. A movie would do them good. At least they’d get out of the house.

             
ANOTHER
MAN
’S BABY
             
229

Chapter
Thirteen

Eric hung up the phone and heaved out a breath. He’d made a decision. It was time to get some help. He’d been home almost a year. His semper fi attitude was not solving the problem; it was only making things worse, not better. Marines prided themselves on their straightforward approach to mission and steadfast dedication to accomplish it. Things did not have to be spelled out for them; they knew what it meant and what to do about any situation. As much as Eric believed in
semper fidelis
with heart, soul and mind, he could finally admit he needed outside help. He’d to do what he’d promised Gabi. He would actually try and talk to the counselor he’d been pretending to go to.

But first he would talk to his father. He sighed and closed his eyes. He was sick of his new assignment. Recruiting didn’t suit him. He would miss Sergeant Ross, but he didn’t want to continue there. However, no new orders had come down for him and when he’d questioned it he’d been told that his orders stood as they were until further notice. It was beginning to look as though he’d been forgotten.

He was seriously thinking about giving up his commission early. Another ten months and that would be it. He would be free, but free to do what? He didn’t think when he took off his uniform that it would make a difference in how he felt. It wouldn’t stop the memories or the nightmares. Eric closed his eyes and willed away the memories, something that was working less and less. He sure hoped his father had an answer.

***

“Thanks, Pop,” Eric said, climbing into the passenger side of his father’s Escalade and leaning back into the butter soft cushion.

“You’re my son, why are you thanking me?”

Eric attempted to smile. “Tell me how you and Mom survived. I need to know.”

“You’re talking about
Vietnam
?”

“Yeah.” Eric wished he didn’t have to ask but he needed to talk to someone and his father was the only one he wanted to ask.

“I’ve never talked about it, Son.”

“I know.”

“Your mother and I separated for three years. She moved to
San Francisco
.”

“Three years! Why didn’t either of you ever mention that?”

“It wasn’t any of your business. You’re our son, but that was between husband and wife.”

“Why did she come home? I can’t believe after three years she would.”

“Neither could I. But I had to try. I went there and begged her on my hands and knees. I stayed there with her for six months, winning her back, making her fall in love with me all over again.”

“And she did.”

“That part was easy; she’d never truly stopped loving me. But it took a long time for her to trust me or my love. She refused to even consider having a baby for several years. And after you were born she refused to have any more.”

“Why?”

“She told me straight out that she was trying to protect herself. She said if anything ever happened she wanted to give you as good a life alone as she could with the two of us. She said she would not allow herself to struggle alone raising kids that she could not provide for.”

Eric watched while his father’s eyes darkened with pain.

“I’d hurt her.” Terry shrugged. “The pain was so deep that every day since I’ve worked hard to regain the things we’d had. And even now I know that while she gives me ninety-nine percent of her heart, she keeps that one percent tucked safely away, wrapped in cotton. He smiled. “I know it shouldn’t matter, not that tiny percentage, but I want it all. I’ll never stop trying for that other one percent. I had it once so I know how it feels and I want it again.”

“Did you ever talk to Mom about the war?”

“By the time we got back together, it wasn’t the war. It was all the things I’d done to hurt her. She couldn’t have cared less what I’d done in
Vietnam
, it was what I’d done to her.”

“Did you cheat on her?” Eric asked.

“Yes.”

“Did she find out?”

“Why the hell do you think she left me?” Terry groaned loudly, then gave Eric’s hands a couple of pats. “Are you cheating on Gabi, Son?”

“In a way,” Eric answered honestly. “I’m not giving her what she needs and I know that. Have I slept with another woman, no, but I’ve been thinking about it and I have been doing more than I should. Right now in our case, I don’t know if that would be the worst thing. I think Gabi might be better able to forgive that than my shutting her out.”

“Then let her in, tell her what she wants to know.”

“I can’t, Pop. I don’t want to see the look in her eyes.”

“What did you do over there, Son?”

Eric closed his eyes. “I don’t want to see the look in your eyes either.”

“Eric, your wife is right. You can’t hold all of this in forever. Do something before it’s too late.”

“I am. I made another appointment with a therapist and I intend to keep it.”

“Are you going to talk?”

“At least I’m going to go.”

“Don’t wait until it’s too late, Son. The last few times we’ve seen Gabi it’s like the life is slowly seeping out of her. I remember that look on your mother’s face. I don’t want to see it on your wife’s. We love her too, Eric, she’s our daughter. I don’t want to see her hurt. And I don’t want to see you hurt if you lose her.”

“I have no idea why she hasn’t left me.”

“Sure you do, she loves you and you know it. That’s your safety net, that’s what’s allowing you to shit all over her.”

Eric flinched. “I’m not…” He stopped. He was. ”Did it bother you this much?”

“Killing is never easy, at least not for those who have a conscience. We were both in kill or be killed situations but at least you have the support of the nation. We, the
Vietnam
vets, didn’t have that. The entire country was against us. As black soldiers we were supposed to be fighting for the freedom of others but we’d left our home where we had few rights and returned to find we still had few or no rights. I came home during the riots, right after Dr. King was assassinated. It wasn’t an honor during that time to be a marine, or an American, and being black was like…” He sighed and shrugged. “It was a triple threat. I’m surprised your mother and I ever made it back.” He glanced at Eric and slowly shook his head at his own memories.

“Dad?”

“I’m not saying you had it easier,” his father continued. “You didn’t and I know you don’t want to talk about it, but remember, I’m here if you do. I was a foot soldier, a grunt, just following orders. You were in command and had to give orders. ‘Heavy is the heart that wears the crown.’”

Eric laughed. “I didn’t wear a crown.”

“I couldn’t think of anything else that would fit. You know what I mean.”

“I know. Thanks for not telling Mom that you were meeting me.” His father smiled but didn’t answer. Eric thought over his parents’ relationship. Things he’d never known colored his observations. It was as though a light bulb had gone on.

“Is that why you take Mom to
San Francisco
every year?”

“Yes,” his father smiled. “I take her there because that’s where she fell in love with me again. But it’s also for me. It’s a reminder to me that I’m the guardian of her heart. I’ll never hurt her again.”

“But the two of you fight like crazy,” Eric laughed.

“All married couples fight. Besides, I never promised not to fight with her. I just promised not to hurt her and I haven’t.”

“Dad, I really am trying with Gabi. I’m determined not to let our marriage disintegrate.”

“Good. We want you to be happy, Son. We want Gabi happy.”

Eric had always known the extent of his parents’ feelings for his wife. It had always amazed him that they’d accepted her so quickly. Now he suspected there was a reason for that immediate acceptance. “You two really do look at Gabi like a daughter, don’t you?”

“Why do you think we fell in love with her so quickly? I’d always wanted more children.” Terry paused, sucking in his own hurt. “Your mom always wanted a daughter.” He smiled. “In fact, she prayed for twins, a girl and a boy. She loves Gabi as much as she loves you. If you make her lose Gabi she’s not going to forgive you.”

“I don’t want to lose Gabi, Pop, but you’re putting a lot of pressure on me.”

“I’m telling you how it is. You’re a military officer, buck up.”

Eric couldn’t help laughing. In a way his father was treating him as though he were a little kid. He’d given him a verbal spanking. And Eric was grateful. It was just what he needed.

***

Less than a week later temptation vied with duty. Eric groaned. Just when he’d decided to stop going out to the club, he was being asked to go again. He shook his head at the sergeant. “I don’t want to go to the club anymore. My wife doesn’t like it at all and I don’t blame her.

“I wouldn’t ask if it weren’t important. I’m so worried about my son I just need to unwind.”

Eric couldn’t help thinking of the many times the sergeant had been there for him, being the designated driver while Eric drank a little too much and danced with any hoochie who pushed up on him, going farther than he should but not far enough that he’d be lying to Gabi when she asked if he were cheating. Other than giving a woman or two a ride home on occasion, Eric had never left with any of them. Sure, some of them had thought when they asked for the rides in their suggestive voices that he’d give them a different kind of ride. But Gabi’s picture hung from his rearview mirror, always there to remind him, to stop him.

“Let me call Gabi and tell her I’m going,” Eric finally acquiesced. “But I can’t stay out late. I really need to repair my marriage.”

***

Gabi couldn’t believe what she was doing. She’d found the matches for, Foxes Jazz Club in the bathroom at work and had known immediately either Tracie or Jamilla had left them there for her to see. One might be trying to help her, but the other would be trying to stick it to her. Since Gabi’s perceptions were off, she no longer trusted her own instincts, or the motives of either woman. Still, she wrote the
Joliet
address down, leaving the matches where she found them, not even mentioning them.

When Eric called to tell her he wasn’t coming home, she’d had enough. Her shoulders sagged with heaviness, and depression wove its way though her spirit. She’d sworn never to do this.

Gabrielle thought of Eric asking her to fight for him. She shouldn’t have to fight for him. He didn’t have to fight for her. This was the end of what she was willing to put up with. She’d had her man’s back. She’d done all and more that she knew to do. She thought of how much she would miss Eric’s parents. They were Mom and Dad to her, but how long would that last?

Gabi felt a shiver as she pulled into the parking lot of the club, noting there was nothing special, nothing that should have kept Eric coming back for over three weeks, especially after she’d kind of called him on. Maybe he just didn’t give a damn. She spotted his car and braced herself for what she would find inside.

Gabi was trembling, looking over her shoulder for a moment, wondering if Howard and the TV crew of
Cheating Spouses
would blast through. She swallowed and bit her lips. She’d sworn she’d never follow any man, not even this man who was slowly crushing her soul with his indifference.

She ordered a Coke from the bar and sat in a dark corner booth to watch, wishing like hell that she hadn’t come. She should go home. When you went looking for trouble, you always found it.

She heard a loud laugh and didn’t have to strain to see the person. She knew from hearing it most days of the week that it was Jamilla.