An Imperfect Circle (37 page)

He’s really going. I knew it would happen but I didn’t know it would feel like this.

I swallow past the knot of fear in my chest because this is important to him. I love him and I want to support him the way he has me with my dreams of selling my work but it’s hard knowing he’ll be away for so long.

I wait at the end of the ha
ll as he says good-bye to everyone. The dark green uniform he’s wearing suits him. It looks right, like it was meant to be and I know he wears it with pride.

“
Elise,” he whispers, smirking slightly as if he’s amused by my slow perusal of his body.

It’s not my fault. It’s not. His uniform is pretty
tight and I couldn’t help but notice him.

“
Karl,” I whisper back once I finally meet his eye.

“
It’s only six weeks until I come back for the weekend,” he reminds me for the thousandth time.

“
With your beret,” I muster a smile because I’ll be so proud once he gets it.

“
Hopefully,” he half-smiles back. I know he’s terrified of letting the family, his father’s memory, and – most importantly – himself down.

But he won’t. I know that with complete certainty.

“Definitely,” I nod decisively. He’ll get through the first phase without problem.

“
I’ll miss you,” he keeps his voice low because the others are close by and we still like our intimate moments kept private.

“
I’ll miss you too,” I manage, with the threat of a break in my voice. I don’t want to cry but I might.

“
Try and keep Matt busy for me,” he asks again. “And look after them all.”

“
I will,” I repeat the promise I’ve made a few times now. “And Ian will be here a bit more often. We’ll all be fine.”

He nods and takes a
deep breath before pulling me into his arms. Because we’ve been trying to rebuild up our relationship slowly, we haven’t had much personal contact in months and it feels so fudging right that I’d give up Wagon Wheels forever just to stay in his arms.

Even in his brand new uniform, I can still smell his unique
mixture of smells and it’s comforting presence destroys all my efforts not to cry. Wood stain and cinnamon smells like home.

He’s mine. I can’t be without him.
This thought pushes me over the edge and into full on tears. Karl whispers something in my ear but it’s so quiet that I don’t hear it over my sniffling so I pull back slightly so I can look at him and demand he repeat it.

He hesitates and glances at his family out of the corner of his eye. Ian and Matt are already ushering everyone away because they know we want privacy.

“Don’t make me say it again,” he pleads in an uncharacteristically soft voice.

I cock my head at him because he knows I’m curious and will want to know
what he said. Him not wanting to say it twice just makes me want to know even more.

He sighs
, understanding this without me having to say it.

I smile, because we’re close enough again that he knows what I’m thinking.

“I said I love you,” he whispers. He looks so vulnerable, so scared, that my heart doubles in size with pure, limitless love. We haven’t exchanged those words since we got back together and I drink in every sound from his lips with an uncontrollable thirst.

“
I screwed up, darlin’. I know I did. But I need you to know how much I love you before I go. I never stopped. Never will.”

If I wasn’t so elated at the confirmation of what I knew all along, I’d be bathing in the glory of being right. But I can’t, because I need to be in his arms again.

I grab him hard and squeeze with all my might. I wish I could merge the atoms of our beings together so he’d have to take me with him.

“
I knew you still loved me too,” he chuckles once I release him and he can breathe again.

I smirk because I didn’t even need to say it and he knew.
That’s the way it should be. Love doesn’t need to be vocalised to be felt.

“
I have something for you to take with you,” I tell him confidently. I’m only confident because I’ve decided he doesn’t have a choice about this.

He owes me big time so he’s going to have to just accept what I tell him.

He raises an expectant eyebrow and I hold out my closed fist, palm up. I slowly uncurl my fingers to reveal the delicate silver chain he gave me that Christmas that feels so long ago, even though it was less than two years.

“
No,” he growls, taking a step back. “I’m not taking it back, Elise.” He looks angry, furious, ready to spit feathers so I smirk and dangle the chain from one finger so he can see it properly.

See what’s missing.

“Where’s…” He trails off as I step forward and take his hand with mine. I twist our intertwined hands over so he can see what’s on my finger. Where it belongs.

“
For when you finish training,” I tell him. “I’ll plan everything.”

“
You mean…”

“
Any thoughts on a colour scheme?”

“
Elise-”

“
I’m thinking blue and white,” I continue, ignoring him completely so that he understands that this is happening. End of story.

“
Are you-”

“
Just a small ceremony. Close family and friends. Well, you’re family is large so small-ish and-” This time he cuts me off.

With a kiss.

The deepest, most passion-fuelled kiss yet. Our cheeks are wet with tears and our lips ravenous as we embrace one another and really think about what this means.

We’re getting married.

I’m marrying my soul mate, my best friend, and the man who rescued me. Whether he likes it or not.

“
You’re sure?” He pulls back, breathless but happy.

“
I’m yours,” I tell him with a smile.

“
And I’ve always been yours,” he answers with a blissfully happy grin.

We stare at each other for long seconds and contemplate the years ahead of us. It’s been a tough year, for both of us, but no matter what life throws at us, it’ll be a lot easier to handle knowing we have each other. Permanently
.

With Karl gone and his promise on my finger, t
he time spent in his absence is hard. When we do see each other, it’s only for short lengths of time and we spend it all with his family. Which is great, because I love them, but we need time together. Just us.

If it wasn’t for the amazing Becky Blossom keeping me busy I don’t know what I’d do. She’s at University now, studying law
, but despite all her work, she still calls me every night to help me plan the wedding.

My wedding.

I grin every time I think that and it’s one of the few thoughts that make Karl’s absence bearable. Because I know that when he’s done with training, we’ll be bound in law as we are in spirit.

There is so much to plan that I never factored in but Becky is the obvious choice for head bridesmaid. She cried when I asked her. It was hilarious.

She didn’t believe me when I told her I was getting married. She thought I was winding her up. I can understand her hesitance to accept the idea. Karl and I are only eighteen but we both know what Andrew and Helen would have said. And Mum and Bear feel the same.

They know we’ve been in love since we were six. They know it’s the right thing for us.

Between Karl’s new income and my new business, we’ve found a little house not too far from the Carter residence and I’ve started slowly making it into our home.

I didn’t want to take Karl away from his family but, if we’re going to be married, we need our own space.

It’s only small but it’s perfect for us. It’s walking distance of his family home so we can pop round whenever we like or if we’re needed.

It has a big enough lounge that we can have people over and there’s a spare bedroom in case Matt wants to stay with us at any time.

It will be our home.

“Have you finished the kitchen?” Becky asks me late one night as we chat away.

“Almost,” I grin. “The kitchen table has been the main problem.”

“Still trying to make it round?” She grins through the phone.

“No. I decided it didn’t need to be perfect in the end,” I answer. I’d been trying to make a circular kitchen table from rustic oak but the natural knots and buckles of the wood has presented a problem.

In the end, I realised I was trying to force it and I was ignoring the natural beauty of the wood’s imperfections. It was perfect just the way it was.

“Rob said it weighed a tonne,” she giggles. He and Matt helped me carry it into the house. I made it in the little workshop I rent on the outskirts of town. The central hub for my new business.

“It was nice of him to help out,” I smile.

“He didn’t mind,” Becky answers genuinely. “You’re my best friend and he knows that. He wants you happy.”

“Well, I appreciated it,” I nod.

“He’s worried about the wedding,” Becky admits after a few moments hesitation.

“Join the club,” I chuckle because I still have so much left to plan. “How come?”

“Well, I’m the head bridesmaid,” she begins and I know she’s chewing her bottom lip without having to see her. “And Matt’s the best man.”

“Yes,” I agree.

“So I have to dance with Matt, don’t I?”

I laugh. I can’t help it. “Rob is jealous?”

“A little,” she admits sheepishly.

“Blossom,” I coo affectionately. “Nobody has to do anything they don’t want to at the wedding.” I pause to consider this. “Except Karl
. If he changes his mind, he still has to marry me.”

This time, Becky laughs. “I don’t think you have to worry about that.”

“Good,” I grin. “Seriously though, Blossom. Don’t worry about Matt. He won’t cause any trouble.”

“Are you sure?” She asks, sounding more cheerful.

“Definitely. If you’re unhappy, I’ll be unhappy and if I’m unhappy, Karl will be annoyed. Matt won’t want to annoy Karl.”

“Good,” Becky breathes out a sigh of relief.

“Besides, I’m sure Matt won’t have a problem finding willing volunteers to dance with.”

“No,” Becky scoffs. “He’s such a tramp.”

I giggle. Because it’s true.

“Hands off my wife, Matt,” Karl warns. He’s trying to sound threatening but it’s sort of ruined by the way he smiles around the word ‘wife’.

I’ve got to admit, it’s got a nice ring to it.

“You can’t deny me a dance with the best man,” I tell him.

“
I can and I will,” he explains, slipping his arm around my waist and delicately lifting me away from his best friend. I’d pinch him but he drops a simple, gentle kiss on my cheek and it placates me.

I can’t be angry with him on
our wedding day.

Not when he hasn’t complained. Not even once.

I planned every detail of this wedding and, whilst I did ask Matt and his brothers for pointers, most of it is based heavily on my own choices.

I expected a few grumblings
about some of the finer details. Like the Wagon Wheels at every place setting.

They were out of the packets and wrapped in ribbons. If he’d have complained I would have pointed that out to him. But he didn’t.

He didn’t even complain about the adorable matching outfits I made all his brothers wear and the coordinating dress Jamie wore.

So I can hardly be mad at him for being slightly territorial. We haven’t seen each other for weeks. I literally organised the wedding for three days after he got back. And Matt and Ian set the stag do for the first day he was home.

“Hands off,” he warns Matt with a smile.

“
She’s all yours,” Matt smirks. “I don’t do the freaky ones.”

“
I’m too much for you to handle anyway,” I grin, remembering this little back and forth from my first day at school.

He shakes his head with a chuckle and then sobers slightly.
“You know I’m really happy for you both, right?”

“
We know, mate,” Karl nods seriously. “Thank you,” he adds quietly.

“
You two are such girls,” I mock them because this is basically the conversation me and Becky just had in the bathroom.

“
Fuck off and consummate already,” Matt returns, pointing to the door.

Karl looks a
t me sideways but I just laugh. We’ve already talked about this, or rather about not doing it.

I can’t count how many times he’s told me it doesn’t matter. I know he means it so I haven’t been stressing.

But I’m going to make tonight special for us anyway.

My first night as his wife.

As his Mrs Carter.

He carries me over the threshold into the
hotel room we’ll be sharing. Between buying our house and starting a business, we haven’t got a lot of cash to spare but Granddad Carter booked us a weekend in a beautiful hotel as a wedding present.

“
Alone,” he grins slowly sliding me down his body until my toes reach the floor. “Have I told you how absolutely, completely, and utterly beautiful you look in your dress?”

“
You may have mentioned it a few times,” I retort with a wry smile because it’s at least the twelfth time in the past three hours.

“
I can’t say it enough,” he ignores my mocking and carries on raking me over with his beautiful aquamarine eyes.

“
You look pretty good yourself,” I grin. “Whoever picked your clothes must have taste.”

“
Must have since she married me.”

“
She did,” I agree. It feels so surreal.

We’re married now.

“I meant it you know.”

“
Meant what?” I ask, slowly undoing the buttons of his silver waistcoat.

“
To love and to cherish,” he explains. “For the rest of my life.”

“
I always feel loved and cherished with you,” I smile, pausing in my attempts to get him naked because I mean this with all my heart and I want him to know that.

“
Why are you undressing me?” He asks once I resume my unbuttoning.

“
Do I need a reason?” I shrug.

“
I know you like my body but don’t you want some champagne first?” He grins.

“
I don’t want to be drunk for this. I don’t want there to be any chance that I’ll forget even a second of this day.”

He smiles and I know he’s pleased. He demonstrates this by helping me remove his waistcoat, tie, and shirt so he’s stood half-naked before me.

It’s been a long time. Far too long. Last time I saw him shirtless was before he tried to end it.

We’ve stuck to hugs and kisses and we’ve not slept in the same bed since that last, painful time. I know from feeling him up semi-
discretely during his hugs, and the way he fills his clothes, that he has grown.

Big style.

He was always built with broad shoulders and a fair amount of muscle but basic training has ensured there’s not an ounce of fat on him.

He’s the definition of defined and it’s making that delicious
stomach-tightening borderline unbearable.

“
I’m beating the Wagon Wheels, right?” He smirks.

“
A little bit,” I nod, taking a step closer to him so I can trace my fingers over his muscles.

I can’t help it. I physically
need
to touch them.

“
Damn. I missed you touching me,” he groans, letting out a deep, dragging breath and relaxing into my touch.

I smile and kiss just underneath his collarbone and rest my face against his chest as he encircles me with his strong, reliable arms.

“I’m having a bit of a dilemma,” he informs me.

“
Oh?” I prompt.

“
I love seeing you in this dress but at the same time I kind of want to rip it off you so I can see what’s underneath.”

I laugh at the slight growl in his voice that tells me he’s serious.

“How about you undress me slowly instead?” I offer. “I’d quite like to keep this dress.”

“
Sounds like a plan,” he agrees, his fingers already deftly untying the ribbon of the corset which criss-crosses down my back.

He spends the next ten minutes paying acute attention to every hook and eye, bow, and millimetre of my body as he carefully slides the complicated dress from my
skin.

“
Fuck,” he breaths out a slow breath as the material falls to the floor. “Are you trying to kill me, Elise?”

“
What?” I ask coyly. I have a fairly good idea what he’s referring to but I find myself feeling slightly shy considering he hasn’t seen me naked for a long time and this is our first night as a married couple.

Shy isn’t me so I shake it off and stand proud.

“Lingerie? Why did it have to be lingerie?” He grumbles, dragging his hands over his face and sitting down on the chair on the opposite side of the room as though he needs distance.

“
Don’t you like it?” I pout, knowing full well he does because the general is saluting.

He groans again and closes his eyes. I think he’s scared to look at me.

“Because I could take it off?” I goad him.

“
Elise, your killing me, darlin’,” he groans. “Can we take five?”

“
Why?” I tease, coming closer so I can sit in his lap. It’s just too much fun teasing him.

“
Elise, I’ve barely seen you for months and I’ve been surrounded by guys the whole time. My control is wearing thin and I don’t want to scare you off. I’m at the end of my tether and seeing you… in that,” he gestures at my cream lace bridal lingerie and then locks his fingers behind his head and looks at me in his lap. “It’s a dream come true and a nightmare all at once.”

“
It doesn’t have to be,” I prompt quietly, leaning forwards to nibble at his neck gently.

“
Elise,” he groans. “Please, darlin’.”

“
I want you, Karl,” I whisper. “I want this.”

“
What?” He recoils slightly, the stunned expression on his face almost laughable.

“
We’ll have to take it slow,” I continue. “And I can’t promise I won’t freak out a bit,” I bit my lip because I can’t deny I’m nervous but I know I’m right about this.

“
But I want to consummate this. Me and You.”

I won’t let what was done to me affect my life anymore. It robbed me years of friendship with Karl, years of closeness with my mother, and years of time I could have spent growing up normally.

I wont let it take this night as well. I won’t let it define my future. I’m better than that. My future is mine to define.

“
I don’t want to ruin today by pushing you too far, Elise,” Karl says cautiously.

I can tell that the idea absolutely terrifies him. He’s been overly cautious with me because he’s so scared he’ll say something stupid and lose me again.

I pointed out he never really lost me. I was just waiting for him to realise that.

“
This is important to me, Karl,” I say earnestly, taking his face in both hands. His face is smooth shaven against my palms.

His eyes zone in on mine, scanning my emotions, trying to judge
just how serious I am.

Very. The answer is very.

“Don’t you want this?” I ask because I don’t want to force this on him.

“
Of course I do, darlin’,” he answers immediately. “I want you more than I want my next breath but not at the cost of losing you.”

“
You’ll never lose me, Karl. That’s a promise.”

He knows I would never make a promise I don’t intend to keep.

“If you say stop, we stop,” he says hesitantly.

I beam brightly because I’ve won.

“I mean it, Elise,” he urges seriously. “If you’re even the tiniest bit uncomfortable, you tell me. This only works if we communicate.”

I nod, pulling myself into the nook of his neck and hugging him tightly because I love that he wants to do this with me and that his main concern is me. It’s his virginity on the line and he doesn’t seem to have even thought of that.

But I’m his wife. And it’s my job to care about him.

“
Are you sure you want me to be your first?” I prompt.

“
Ask any more stupid questions and I’m sleeping fully clothed,” he threatens.

I literally growl. There’s no way that’s happening.

He smirks and I relax knowing that we both want this and it’s right for us.