An Imperfect Circle (36 page)

“Don’t be daft,” I reprimand him. “Everybody needs to cry some time. Tears are healing.”

He gives me the condescending look I see on his face whenever Bear says something wise and I give up, considering him a lost cause.

“So why are you mad at Karl?” I prompt again because he’s expert at dodging questions.

He narrows his eyes at me slightly and I feel like he’s silently testing me. He’s silent for so long that I’m not sure if he’s going to speak. Leaning forwards over the table slightly he glares at me as if I’ve done something wrong.

“Wanker chose me over you,” he grunts.

It’s a good thing I’m sitting down because I would have fallen over if I wasn’t. What on earth is he on about?

“When… when Andrew died,” he continues, the pain in his voice still fresh. “He chose me over you.”

“I don’t understand,” I manage because my brain seems to have stopped.

“Me neither,” he laughs bitterly.

I wait impatiently for him to answer because that’s not enough of an answer.

“You’re making me sound like a dick,” Karl’s deep voice vibrates through me as he slumps into his chair once more.

“You are a dick,” Matt snaps back. “And an eavesdropper.”

Karl just laughs and then looks at me. And stops laughing. He looks worried.

He should be worried because I really don’t understand and I’m starting to feel a little hurt and offended. More than a little.

“It wasn’t like that,” he assures me with a gentle voice.

“It fucking well was and you know it. Man up and admit it, asshole,” Matt half-yells.

The librarian starts walking over and Karl quickly twists in his chair and rounds in on Matt. “You’re pushing you’re luck. Sort yourself out.” His voice is a low grumble of warning. The hum of thunder that lets you know lightning is coming.

Matt grits his teeth just as the librarian comes over and prepares to give him an earful. “Save it,” he snaps. “I’m gone.” With that he storms off, leaving a disgruntled librarian to glare at us instead.

“Sorry,” Karl shrugs in a fairly unapologetic fashion. The librarian huffs and leaves.

We’re the only ones in the library. I don’t know what her problem is.

We’re quiet until she’s back at her desks and then our eyes meet. I know he can see the hurt expression on my face and I know he hates that it’s there because of him. I know he still cares, no matter what happened or why.

“Elise, it’s complicated,” he sighs, wincing apologetically.

“Help me understand,” I plead because I don’t get it. I don’t get why he dumped me and I don’t get how he chose Matt over me.

“Can we talk about this later, at home?” He hedges.

“Now,” I snap because I’m starting to get really irritated.

He lets out a slow breath and kneads his eyes with his knuckles. Never a good sign.

“You’ve got to understand, Matt’s history… it’s pure bull shit. It’s not my story to tell but it’s messed up.”

“I gathered,” I interject because I’m not an idiot.

“In many ways, dad was the only parent figure Matt had left who loved him,” Karl continues as if I never spoke.

“But he was your only parent as well,” I whisper because Karl’s making it sound like it was worse for Matt than it was for himself.

“True,” he swallows, a slight furrow forming between his brows.

That simple groove speaks volumes to me. I know he’s hiding his pain behind it.

“But dad loved me and the others because we were his family. He chose to love Matt and if you knew Matt as well as I do, you’d know how much that meant to him.”

“Okay,” I nod in understanding because that made sense but I still need more explanation.

“I don’t know how to explain this without sounding like the world’s biggest asshole,” he sighs.

“Maybe you can’t,” I grimace because I’m starting to think it would be impossible.

“I would have lost myself in you,” he whispers, looking straight at me. His gaze is imploring me to understand and I stare straight back because I know there’s something I’m missing here.

Something blindingly obvious.

“You chose him over me,” I gasp because it suddenly makes sense.

He wanted to be there for his best friend, not lose himself in his grief. If we’d have stayed together, he would have turned to me to feel better and I would have done anything and everything to help.

That’s exactly what I did, albeit with in the confines of our break-up.

If Karl had turned to me, he was worried he’d have neglected
Matt in favour of his own grief and he couldn’t do that because Matt is so important to him.

“I would have been a shit boyfriend anyway,” he continues when he sees the realisation sink in. He knows me well enough to understand that I’ve just figured it out.

“Never,” I shake my head because I know that’s not true.

“You didn’t need to be dealing with my shit,” he shakes his head adamantly.

“Karl, I love you but you’re an idiot sometimes,” I snap, knowing full well he hates being called an idiot. But he earned it this time. “I want to be there for you and lessen your burden. As a friend, as a girlfriend, as somebody who cares about you.”

“You’ve had enough crap to deal with in your life,” he growls defensively.

“And it made me stronger. Strong enough to deal with yours as well,” I retort. I’m beyond angry at him but I keep my cool because at least I’m finally understanding why he did what he did.

“I did what I thought was right,” he grits eventually.

“You were wrong,” I respond quickly.

“Matt needed me.”

“Did you ever think to ask him about that?”

He chuckles bitterly and it surprises me. “That’s exactly what he said.”

“Smart guy,” I answer dryly.

“He hates me for it.”

“I kind of do too.”

Although to be honest, I think it was pretty chuffing amazing as well. Even in the midst of his pain, he thought about somebody else’s suffering and did what he thought would ease it. Make it better.

“He thinks I did it out of pity,” he sobers and I can see how much it’s truly upsetting him. His barriers drop for a second and I understand how terrified he is of losing his best friend.

“Matt hates pity,” I say because he does. It didn’t take long to figure out. It’s why nobody knows his story. It’s why he’s so aggressive. He doesn’t want to give anybody reason to feel sorry for him.

“I fucked up with both you and him,” Karl grumbles.

“You did,” I agree but I’m smiling slightly because, despite the pain that he’s caused, his heart was in the right place and it reminds me why I love him.

“You know what though?” I prompt when I see how dejected he looks.

“What?”

I lean forwards so my lips are close to his ear and whisper “I forgive you” before placing a gentle kiss to his cheek.

I dart out of the room before he can reply because I need to find Matt.

And give him a reality check and maybe a kick up the behind. I can’t be angry at him because he was essentially mad at Karl for dumping me but I don’t want the two of them to fall out.

They need to make up and I’m going to make that happen. Even if I have to purple-nurple them both until my fingers hurt.

I go straight to the Carter
s’ after school that night because I don’t need an invite. I pretty much live there and mum would be surprised if I actually turned up at their house.

Mo
st nights I sleep at the Carters’ anyway. Karl always offers his bed but I can’t do it. I can’t sleep in his room, with his scent around me, when we’re not what we once were. It’s too much. I normally sleep in Andrew’s old room because it’s the only room with a lock. It’s not that I don’t feel safe at the Carter household. It’s more of a habit

The lady from the military foundation cooked dinner for everyone tonight which is always nice but it’s always better once she’s gone. The
foundation does amazing work but it’s like having a maid and I don’t think the guys are all that comfortable with it. They’ve been brought up to take care of themselves.

The younger Carter
s are all safely wrapped up in bed and the twins are working out in the gym we’ve started putting together in what used to be a storage room.

Karl, Matt and I are relaxing in the den but the atmosphere is still tense. Both because Matt and Karl haven’t really resolved their fight and because I’m mad at what I found out at dinner.

“You need to apologise to him,” I blurt because I’ve been biting my tongue long enough.

“To Matt?” Karl smirks.

“Yes but that’s not what I meant and you know it,” I frown because he’s being intentionally obtuse.

“What did you mean then?” Matt interjects. He knows as well because he’s just as guilty.

“Both of you owe Craig an apology,” I scowl.

The stupid
dung beetles locked him in his locker at school today. I only found out because the twins were winding him up about it. Craig is only twelve and there are two of them. No matter how you dress it up, it’s bullying.

“We were just messing,” Karl laughs it off.

“Craig didn’t look like he found it very entertaining,” I point out with frustration.

“He was just bitter because he didn’t look like the golden boy for once,” Matt shrugs.

“You two are morons,” I snap because Craig is a good kid. He works hard and never puts a foot out of place. He’s brilliant with his sister and always respectful to me. I can’t fault him.

“Enough, Elise,” Karl sighs. “He’s a smug little shit and he had it coming.”

I open my mouth to argue but Karl puts his hand over my mouth gently but firmly. I think he surprises us both because he looks as distracted as I do by the surge of tingles that immediately buzz between us.

“I said enough,” he smirks, pu
lling his hand away slowly but not before his thumb drags across my lower lip. His eyes follow the movement and knowing his eyes are focussed on my lips has my stomach clenching and my knees pressing together.

I desperately wish it was his lips against mine and not his hand.

“I’ll talk to Craig in the morning,” he reassures me.

Matt makes a strange coughing noise and I’m pretty sure I hear him making a lame attempt to cover up the word “pussy” but Karl just flips him off.

“You better do,” I warn but I’m glad he’s willing to do so. I know it’s not the first time they’ve messed with Craig because I called them out on it a few times when we weren’t friends but they need to know it can’t continue.

Craig doesn’t deserve that.

“Where’s my apology, ass hat?” Matt prompts.

“Right here,” Karl sticks his hand in his pocket and brings out his middle finger.

“Karl!” I bark because that was just rude.

“Joking!” He raises his hands in a placating gesture. “He knows I’m sorry. I’ve said it already.”

“He still looks angry,” I point out.

“He always looks angry!” Karl argues with a grin.

He may have a point there.

“I haven’t forgiven you,” Matt remarks, watching the back and forth with an amused smile. “What the fuck’s wrong with you. You should have chosen Elise.”

“I didn’t
choose
either of you. I did what I thought was right for both of you,” he says exasperatedly.

“She’s the fucking love of your life, any tool could have told you what you did was messed up but you wouldn’t have listened.”

“You don’t get it,” Karl growls and I notice happily he doesn’t deny the love of his life thing.

“Of course I don’t. Nobody does!” Matt snaps.

“Fine. I’m a fucking idiot. I messed up the best thing that ever happened to me. Is that what you want to hear? I scared away the woman I love and I’ll probably never get that chance again. Are you fucking happy now?” Karl screams loud enough to wake the whole house. He’s on his feet with his chest expanding and contracting rapidly.

“Apology accepted,” Matt smirks, lazily unfolding his body from the sofa and rising to his feet. “Good night
, love birds.”

He strolls out of the room without a backwards glance and leaves me to de
al with that little revelation.

He did that on purpose.

Karl groans and sinks back down to the sofa, covering his face with his hands.

Without even realising what’s happened, I’ve moved and I’m sat right next to him. My hands rise to his without instruction form me. I pull his wrists away from his face and lock my fingers with his so that I can look at him.

“Karl…” I whisper.

“Don’t,” he warns, shaking his head back and forth with his eyes tightly shut.

“Did you mean all that?” I ignore him.

There’s a painful second of silence as he forces his eyes open to meet mine.

“Every last word,” he admits, raw emotion ripe in the rasp of his voice.

“What about the bit about never getting the chance again?”
I urge. “Did you mean that bit?”

He nods dejectedly. “I’ll never find somebody like you, Elise. You’re perfect in your imperfection. You’re everything to me.”

“Why would you need to find somebody like me?” I stifle a smirk. “You have me already.”

“But I lost you,” he shakes his head.

“Never,” I shake my head adamantly and squeeze his hands.

“I was always yours, Karl. Ever since I was six.”

“But I hurt you,” he says so quietly I almost don’t hear it. He’s ashamed and quite rightly so but I understand now and that makes accepting it easier.

“And I hurt you when I gave up on us all those years ago. I wasn’t going to make that mistake again.”

“You’d take me back?” His eyes widen slightly and brighten with something I haven’t seen since Andrew was alive.

Hope.

“In a heartbeat.”

He grins and pulls me into a hug, burying his face in my hair and breathing me in. My whole body is immediately alive with our shared energy, humming though my body and soothing all the cruel words, lonely nights, and seconds passed without him.

“Elise?” He whispers when we slowly release each other.

“Mmm?” I reply semi-coherently because I’m on a post-hug high.

“A good girlfriend would give me a kiss right now,” he smirks.

So I do. Because I’m the best girlfriend ever.