An Imperfect Circle (32 page)

“You’re hurting too,” I point out because he’s functioning pretty damned well considering.

“They need me,” he shrugs.

He’s thinking only of his brothers and sister. Not of his own pain or everything he’s just lost.

“I’m so sorry, Ian,” I whisper because I feel so helpless.

“Not your fault, Elise,” he answers robotically. There’s no emotion in his voice or on his face. He’s literally turned off.

“Look, Ian,” I sigh, wiping my tears away. “I love Karl but this hurts too much. You guys are my family and last time I lost him, I lost you as well. That’s not going to happen again.

I might not be able to forgive him for this but I’ll still be here for him and all of you if you need me. I’d do anything for any of you. You know that.”

“I know,” he nods, letting just enough emotion back into his voice for me to realise that he thinks of me as family as well.

He studie
s me a second longer then smiles a half-smile and heads back towards his siblings.

They need him more.

If Ian can be there for them like that, despite his own misery, then it’s the least I can do to put my heartbreak aside to try and help them through this.

The funeral is possibly the most heart-wrenchingly beautiful tribute I have ever seen. It's also soul-crushingly painful. The solid, wooden casket is definitive proof that Andrew is gone and it hurts to look at it but I force myself to because Andrew would have faced the pain head on and I will too.

The sheer volume of people is a tribute in itself but its the solemn expressions on the faces of those around me that says more about the man Andrew was.

To the service men, he was a loyal colleague who they were honoured to serve beside. To the friends, he was always dependable and generous. To the family, he was everything. Everything they had left and everything that made them who they are. A part of him is left in each and every one of his children to the point that I can almost feel his presence.

Today is a day of mourning and honouring a man of great importance to so many so I keep my distance from Karl out of respect. I may not be particularly happy with him but that seems petty in the grand scale of things and I can hardly blame him for losing it a little bit right now.

If he doesn't want me. Fine. He can pretend all he likes but I know how he feels and he's mine whether he knows it right now or not.

Ugly, hateful words were thrown about in anger and I need time to process that but I still love him and I always will. I know that now. I think I always loved him.

I'm going to be there for the Carters just like I said I would. I can be a friend to all of them, Karl included, because a friend is something they need right now more than a bitter ex-girlfriend.

I watch Ian, Uncle Eric, and Granddad Peter shake hands with countless men and women, all singing praises and offering condolences. The three of them wear matching masks hiding their tru
e pain and accept the many well-meaning words without a trace of the pain I know they're all sharing.

Karl and matt keep their distance, choosing to drink away their sorrows at the bar. Nobody seems to want to point out that they're both underage and it's not my place anymore. Especially since he doesn't want me.

I push that thought away because I know deep down that it isn't true in any way, shape or form. I can see that the two of them are way past the point of being sound minded and Matt looks dangerously close to losing control of the strict check he keeps on his temper.

I'd step in but
, since Karl rejected me and Matt doesn't know why, he assumes I've done something wrong and isn't talking to me. I'm not about to correct him when he has so much on his plate.

I
let them have their space throughout the day no matter how hard it is. I sat at the back in the church so that Karl wouldn’t have to see me but it’s harder to stay out of his line of sight at the pub.

The problem is, I don’t want to leave. I feel better being able to see him, even if I can’t be close to him.

I’m not buying his easy dismissal of me. There’s no way he could just turn off our relationship that quickly. I know he still loves me and without doubt. I can’t believe I almost fell for it.

He loves me.

Whether he likes it or not.

“
You want a drink, Elise?” A small voice prompts and I turn round to find Craig stood behind me, watching me watching his brother.

“
I’m okay thanks, Craig,” I muster a smile.

He half-smiles back. It’s sweet that he’s still well-mannered and polite even at his father’s funeral.

Andrew would be proud.

This thought causes my smile to falter and a few more tears to threaten so I force it back.

“Have you eaten?” I prompt because I took some food round last night and Ian reluctantly admitted he’d been having trouble getting Craig and Jake to eat. Karl remained curiously out of sight the whole time I was there.

“
I had a Wagon Wheel,” he offers a knowing half-grin and my smile is more genuine this time because if he’s going to eat anything, he might as well eat something delicious.

“
Good,” I nod. “We can’t have you wasting away.”

His head bobs up and down in agreement.

“Karl and Matt will always be bigger though,” he grumbles sullenly. He seems glad to be having a relatively normal conversation so I roll with it. Even though I’m not big on the idea of talking about those two.

“
Bigger isn’t always better,” I explain. “Besides, you’ll catch them up soon. You’ve got plenty of growing left to do. Don’t let those two push you around.”

He raises a eyebrow and his expression clearly says
“easier said than done.”

“
Are you worried about starting school with us next year?” I ask because I can see that it’s bothering him.

He nods and plays with a plastic straw from the bar.

I sigh because I know Karl and Matt will give him a hard time. I suspect Karl sees it as toughening Craig up but I’m not sure if there isn’t a part of it that’s born of jealousy.

Craig always gets glowing feedback from his teachers and he is well ahead of most people in his year group. I think it irks Karl because he has to fight for every inch forwards in academia.

“Don’t let them get to you,” I smile reassuringly. “And even if they do, don’t let them know. If they bully you, report them. It’s wrong and they know it.”

He doesn’t look convinced but he nods regardless and smiles in thanks.

I’m racking my brains to think of some way to assure him he doesn’t have to put up with Karl and Matt but Bear approaches and Craig slips away.

“
I think it’s time we left, glowbug,” he says softly.

I nod dejectedly because he’s probably right. I’ve said my goodbyes and
it’s only going to get more painful being here and watching Karl without being able to talk to him.

I may want to go back to being friends – because friends is better than nothing – but I’m still hurt by what he said and did and I need a bit of time to work through some stuff b
efore I can talk to him calmly.

If he’d even want to talk to me.

“He appreciated you being there even if he didn't say it,” Bear tells me as he guides me to the car. My mum is on my other side and nods her agreement.

“
Didn't look like it,” I shake my head despondently.

This might be harder than I anticipated. I hadn't factored in how much it would hurt to feel his rejection over and over again. It doesn't matter though. He may be an ass but he's my ass and he's worth the pain.

I let him down once by giving up on what we had and I'm not going to make the same mistake again. One of us has to make the right decision this time.

“
Give him time, sweets. He's grieving,” Bear frowns in sympathy. “He's got a lot going on at the moment.”

“
I know,” I sigh. “Doesn't make it okay for him to take it out on me.”

“
It doesn't,” mum agrees.

“
I'm not entirely sure that's what he's doing,” Bear says pensively but he doesn't elaborate so I figure that's all he has to say. I know Bear won't speculate any more. He'll wait until he's contemplated everything and sifted through all the information available.

I sit quietly as we ride the bus back to the house in Normanton, ignoring the world around me and trying to figure out what I can do to help the Carters out. I can't take away their pain but I can still be there in whatever other way I can.

When we get home, I make towards the stairs so I can get out of this black dress and slip into some work clothes. I plan on taking my frustration out on some wood.

“
Not so fast, glowbug,” Bear calls out.

I stop and turn around to face him cautiously. He's using a tone of voice that tells me I won't like it very much.

He walks into the lounge and lifts an eyebrow at me expecting me to follow. I do but only because it's Bear and I know he wouldn't be making orders if it wasn't of great importance.

“
We should have a chat,” he smiles, patting the sofa next to him.

I scowl because I suspect it won't be a fun chat.

“Just me and you, are you okay with that?” Bear asks cautiously. I left the lounge door open but mum is curiously absent and I appreciate that Bear still checks with me when we're alone together.

I nod and lean back into the sofa, looking at him expectantly.

“You're angry with Karl,” he states.

“
Understatement.”

“
You're furious with him.”

“
He dumped me,” I grimace because that's explanation enough. He said I could have him forever but he left me.

“
What's that round your neck?” Bear nods his head towards my necklace.

He knows what it is and I clasp the delicate ring in one hand. I haven't taken the chain off since I got it.

“He didn't ask for it back?” Bear asks when I don't answer.

“
I didn't really give him chance,” I shrug.

He laughs.
“Glowbug, if he'd wanted it back he'd have taken it back. You know that, surely?”

I don't need to think about it, I know that to be true of Karl. I frown slightly in contemplation. Why didn't he ask for it back?

“So, if all he did was break up with you, and you still have his promise round your neck, why are you this level of angry?”

“
He said some horrible stuff,” I admit.

“
Want to talk about it?”

“
No.” But I know I should and I can tell Bear knows to so I sigh deeply and explain. “He says I'm messed up.”

Bear chuckles.
“Everybody is a little messed up, sweets. It's part of what makes us who we are. We've all been broken into pieces at some point, it's how you put the pieces back together that really matters.”

I smile at the typical Bear words of wisdom but it's not a true smile because I still feel sick remembering what Karl said to me.

“I think I might have put mine back together wrong,” I sigh. It definitely feels that way.

“
How so?” Bear lifts his eyebrow in question and his eyebrow ring catches the light and sparkles at me.

“
He thinks it's messed up that I don't hug mum.”

Bear remains silent and studies me, waiting for me to continue. I was hoping I wouldn't have to elaborate but his expression tells me he's waiting for more.

“I mean, I understand. I know he'd give anything to hug his mum and dad one last time. I know it must seem selfish to him. It's just... hugging is hard.”

“
You've hugged me a couple of times,” he answers quietly after a few seconds.

I nod glumly because he's right. But I did that without thinking.

“And Becky. And Karl.”

“
But that's different,” I argue.

“
How?” He probes

I open my mouth and then shut it again because I can't explain it.

“You love your mum, right?”

I scowl in response because that doesn't merit an answer. He knows I do.

“I thought so,” he nods to himself, unperturbed by my burning glare. “But you haven't hugged her since you were eleven. Have you ever thought about why?”

Remember when I said the hardest thing
was to be honest with yourself? This could very well be the best example of that.

I've never thought about it.

Because I never wanted to.

Bear's following the minute changes in my expression and I'm pretty sure he's inside my head.

“You blame your mum.”

My first instinct is to blurt
“no”.

But I can't because I'm not entirely sure it's untrue.

“It's okay, glowbug,” Bear says sadly. “It's okay that you need somebody to blame.”

I glance up at him, my chest heavy with shame.

“But that somebody isn't your mother.”

I clench my teeth against the hatred I hold in my chest. I hate that I had to go through that. I hate that I was helpless. But I don't hate my mum.

“I know you love your mum, Elise,” Bear whispers, taking my hand in his and squeezing reassuringly. “And she loves you too. But she also blames herself. And she can't forgive herself for bringing him into your life until you do.”

“
She was sick,” I choke, wiping my tears away on the back of my arm. “I know it wasn't really her fault. I know that.”

“
I know, I know,” he soothes. “But you were only young, Elise. What happened to you was a horrible, despicable thing but it's not a reflection of you or your mum and you both need to move past it.”

I nod and begin to speak bu
t break off because we both hear a sniffle from the hallway. I grimace because I’m pretty sure my mum just heard that whole conversation.

And now I hate myself because I’ve made my mum cry.