Am I Boring My Dog? (32 page)
Read Am I Boring My Dog? Online
Authors: Edie Jarolim
20
The only downside: One of the main jobs of vets who volunteer at shelters is neutering/spaying. I attribute Frankie’s resistance to the office of the (extremely nice) vet recommended by his rescuer to the fact that he lost his manhood there.
21
The “testicular prosthetic implants”—used by nearly a quarter million pet owners, according to the website—earned their creator, Gregg A. Miller, the IG Nobel Prize for Medicine in 2005. Upon receiving the oddly coveted spoof award from Harvard University’s Annals of Improbable Research, Miller said in a videotaped statement, “Considering my parents thought I was an idiot when I was a kid, this is a great honor.”
22
Unfortunately, state laws and drug manufacturers don’t always keep up with medical science. Some states require annual rabies shots, even though professionals agree they’re only needed every three years. And some manufacturers haven’t changed the frequency instructions on their vaccines. This puts vets into the uncomfortable position of having to ignore product recommendations—or risk harming their patients.
23
Unless it’s raining, in which case all bets are off.
24
Except for the natural sprays that keep pests away from your dog. Some flea and tick medications have turned out to be toxic to dogs as well as to the critters they’re hosting. I’m all for avoiding harsh chemicals whenever possible, just not for ingesting unknown botanicals in lieu of medicine.
25
Keeping your dog out of kitty litter could be more complicated, because it’s not right to make the cat climb to a place that’s inaccessible to the dog to go to the bathroom. I suggest you find the cat another home.
26
Do I have to tell you that this doesn’t apply if your dog is choking or throwing up?
27
Dogs do have bacteria in their gums/teeth that are not good for you, but they’re only transmitted if you keep your mouth open when your dog kisses you or if you lick your own face right after your dog does.
28
This gene also occurs in some human ethnic groups, where it’s passed along matrilineally.
29
Because he was originally cued by the sound of the cork being pulled from the bottle, screw tops allowed Clare to sneak tipples—until Archie figured out that he should be on the alert for opening doors of the cabinet where the wine glasses are stored.
30
Among these limitations is the fact that, to achieve “nutritional balance,” AAFCO regulations stipulate that vitamin and mineral supplements must be added. Because these cannot be organically produced, USDA Organic certification and the AAFCO seal are mutually exclusive. Many vets—including mine—warn patients away from food that isn’t AAFCO approved, but I’m no longer convinced of the value of its imprimatur. Put it this way: AAFCO is even less effective (in part because it has even fewer inspectors) and more tainted by agribusiness interests than the FDA is.
31
Artificial sweeteners and especially Xylitol, used in sugar-free candy and gum, are worse than addictive—they’re toxic. In general, transparency is as excellent a quality in a dog food manufacturer as it is in a government agency. If you can’t get answers to any questions you might have about a product, either via e-mail or phone, it’s likely wise not to feed that product to your dog.
32
It also tends to produce more crap, literally. The lower the quality of the food—especially the cheap, corn-based varieties—the less of it is absorbed by the dog and the larger and softer the stools. I admit this isn’t terribly well documented in scientific literature, but I suspect that’s because of a dearth of poop-size correlation studies. That hasn’t deterred me and several alert friends from judging other dog owners’ feeding practices by the size of their charge’s turds.
33
Unfortunately, this remains voluntary rather than mandatory, even when it comes to human food—so fat chance that dog food is going to be better regulated any time soon. In spite of efforts of consumer groups, as well as state agriculture and ranching associations, legislation mandating country of origin labeling has been stalled time and again.
Pet Food Politics: The Chihuahua in the Coal Mine,
by Marion Nestle, is a fascinating—and frightening—look at this aspect of food safety oversight or, rather, the lack thereof.
Pet Food Politics: The Chihuahua in the Coal Mine,
by Marion Nestle, is a fascinating—and frightening—look at this aspect of food safety oversight or, rather, the lack thereof.
34
Tops on most current lists of things to avoid are chocolate, raisins, grapes, avocados, onions and onion powder, garlic and garlic powder. Seeds and stems of most fruit are verboten, too, as are—surprise, surprise—alcoholic beverages and moldy, spoiled, and fatty foods.
35
Caveat: This formula is not uniformly accepted. Some studies have shown that dogs have no carbohydrate requirements at all. It’s like the debates over Atkins, South Beach, the food pyramid, polyunsaturates …—ever-shifting and far beyond my level of expertise.
36
It was at one of Voisard’s cooking classes—sadly, no longer offered—that I first learned about the evils of most packaged commercial foods. They’re also detailed in her book.
37
If you think “comestibles” sounds pretentious, consider that on the official BARF website,
www.barfworld.com
(barf world? really?), the acronym also stands for Biologically Appropriate Raw Food. Not very snappy. I haven’t yet hammered out the details of my own oven-free diet but I figure a good name is half the battle.
www.barfworld.com
(barf world? really?), the acronym also stands for Biologically Appropriate Raw Food. Not very snappy. I haven’t yet hammered out the details of my own oven-free diet but I figure a good name is half the battle.
38
As many advocates of the diet reasonably argue, people prepare raw food for their families in their kitchens all the time and manage to avoid poisoning themselves and their loved ones. And salmonella is present in lots of processed foods, too, as anyone who wasn’t in a coma during the peanut butter fiasco knows.
39
The Whole Dog Journal
recommends alternating between three or four high-quality foods, changing them off slowly every few months, to provide your dog with different protein sources and nutrients. They advise against including “novel” proteins such as kangaroo, however, as these should be reserved for food allergy control tests (and, besides, may make your Jack Russell Terrier jump even higher than he already does).
recommends alternating between three or four high-quality foods, changing them off slowly every few months, to provide your dog with different protein sources and nutrients. They advise against including “novel” proteins such as kangaroo, however, as these should be reserved for food allergy control tests (and, besides, may make your Jack Russell Terrier jump even higher than he already does).
40
Tooth-brushing also seemed to go against the dogs-are-evolved-wolves grain. But has anyone done a study on tooth decay in prehistoric wolves? They may have passed a predisposition to periodontal disease down to their canine kin. According to one study, 80 percent of dogs, especially small ones, have some degree of gum disease by age three. We know that working dogs often break their teeth carrying hard objects—and that they can now get metal crowns.
41
If your dog’s potential health problems don’t convince you, you cold-hearted creature, consider the damage to your house: it’s impossible to get the dye from a colored rawhide chew off anything it touches.
42
These don’t actually resemble penises, but Frankie is a sensitive pup. I’m sure he would intuit their origin and be offended.
43
Poodles have gotten a bad rap. Not only were these super-smart dogs once renowned as water-fowl retrievers, but their much maligned coifs were job related. The natural coats of standard “pudels”—German for “splashes in water”—are thick and water absorbent. To help the dogs move more swiftly through water, portions of fur were shaved, with the chest and vital organs left covered to protect them from the cold. The silly looking topknot allowed the owner to tie a strip of colored cloth to the head, the better to spot the speedy retriever from a distance.
44
The debate about whether there’s a difference between dog hair and fur rages on. It’s usually agreed that hair grows constantly and doesn’t have a seasonal shed, while fur is thick and has an undercoat. However, there are so many exceptions as to render these distinctions meaningless. Rather than get into follicular nit-picking, as it were, I’m stipulating that if it’s short and thick, it’s fur, if it’s long and silky, it’s hair. Think of the popular (at least with women) categories for human males: if it’s on the head, it’s hair; if it’s on the back, it’s fur.
45
Some people spin dog hair and weave or knit it into clothing, which I find intensely creepy—not the least because, should I be complimented on them, I wouldn’t want to admit that I was wearing a scarf or sweater made from my dog. If you disagree, Kendall Crolius’s
Knitting with Dog Hair: Better a Sweater From a Dog You Know and Love Than From a Sheep You’ll Never Meet,
might be for you.
Knitting with Dog Hair: Better a Sweater From a Dog You Know and Love Than From a Sheep You’ll Never Meet,
might be for you.
46
Except for the nails on the dewclaws—the vestigial digits that sit farther up on the leg and thus don’t reach the floor. These should nevertheless be trimmed because they have a tendency to get caught on things. In fact, such an accidental snagging may be the first time you become aware that dewclaws even exist. It took several friends to talk me down from my conviction that Frankie was a mutant when I discovered he had these stunted appendages—and on every paw, yet.
47
If you’ve walked your dog in a dry, grassy area, this and headshaking might indicate that a foxtail has entered his ear or nose. These seed heads, particularly common in California, can be very dangerous because they have tiny, sharp barbs and can migrate into the brain. See your vet right away if you think your dog might have picked one up.
48
This is an excellent reason for people who need to trim their ear or nose hair to get a dog. As with other body-function embarrassments like farting, you can blame the dog for the presence of these instruments in your house.
49
Browsing Internet forums on the topic, I came across posts that read, in effect, “I’ve used human polish on my dog for years and it hasn’t killed her.” “Not dead yet” is hardly my idea of a ringing endorsement.
50
Teach your dog to go to the bathroom on command—no, it’s not an urban legend; I’ve seen it done—and you’ll earn the undying envy of new parents.
51
That’s not to suggest you should give up on older rescues. Frankie, who was five when I got him, is far from uneducable. (Of course, it helps that he’s exceptionally bright).
52
But not
Lassie,
because of the bad example it sets of unquestioning canine obedience.
Lassie,
because of the bad example it sets of unquestioning canine obedience.
53
If you’re still wed to the whole “we’re living with wolves in dogs clothing” notion, consistency demands you follow it through to its logical conclusion: human pack leaders need to hunt prey or scavenge road kill, eat it raw, and regurgitate it into their dogs’ mouths. Come to think of it, that could be the premise for a great cross-promoted reality show—
Survivor: Animal Planet.
I’m going to see if I can get Frankie to set up some pitch meetings for me.
Survivor: Animal Planet.
I’m going to see if I can get Frankie to set up some pitch meetings for me.
54
Someone who, unlike me, doesn’t buy instructional DVDs only to end up using them to prop up an uneven leg on the dining room table.
55
As it turns out, with good reason. See question 70.
56
At least as applied to Frankie; I suspect some of my exes might disagree about my chain-jerking skills.
57
It’s best, however, if your friends avoid dropping her too often. Dogs, especially young ones, are resilient but not indestructible.
58
Some cases require medication, at least initially. See the following question.
59
Or dogs who are experts in manipulating human behavior.
60
One finger is advised in the case of toy breeds—and measurers who have huge, sausage-fingered hands.
61
Physically, at least. If the barking is caused by anxiety, getting a sudden faceful of spray will only further traumatize your dog.
62
Head collars are common in Europe, so if you take your haltered dog abroad, you won’t be looked at askance. In turn, you needn’t worry that vast numbers of Continental dogs have criminal tendencies.
63
It’s essential for trips to California, where the self-appointed dog police are ubiquitous.
64
You may wonder, as I did, what the difference is between a leash and a lead. I’m sorry to report that I still haven’t got a clue. I read somewhere that leash was slang for lead, but I prefer to think that lead is the pretentious Anglophile term, used to summon a dog to go “walkies.” Because I’ve never heard of “lead laws” or “off-lead beaches”—at least in the United States—I’ve stuck with leash here.
65
Some retractable “ribbon” leashes are the same width as regular leashes, so the invisibility complaint doesn’t apply to them. They have a greater tendency to get tangled than the skinnier kind, however.
66
The longer you have your dog, the fewer you’ll have of these, I’ve discovered. Which is fine. Your new friends will be nicer, smarter, and better looking than the grouches who don’t love dogs.
67
The secured exit, as well as the style or lack thereof, distinguishes crates from doghouses. See Chapter 9 for details on the latter.
68
Mixed breeds are excellent multitaskers, the short-order cooks of the dog world.
69
Many games that are organized for dogs (see question 77) simulate job skills, such as sheep herding and sled-carting. In contrast, few of the real and virtual games humans play bear any resemblance to their jobs, except for professional athlete and mercenary.
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