Am I Boring My Dog? (29 page)

Imagine a toddler being allowed to crawl all around the house, licking the floor at will. Then imagine that she has a super-fast metabolism and smaller-than-human lung capacity. That’s your dog’s MO—which means she’s not only at increased risk of encountering household cleaning toxins, but that when she does, she’s breathing them in more rapidly than we do and having more difficulty eliminating them from her body.

Surprise! The best way to prevent your dog from being exposed to dangerous chemicals is to avoid using products that contain them. The most common offenders and cleaners in which they’re found include:

Not the type to mix vinegar, baking soda, peroxide, and salt to create your own safe cleaning solution? No problem. Green cleaning is in, even with the major manufacturers.

It’s easy to find environment-friendly, nontoxic substitutes to tackle every area of your home that needs attention.

If you’re convinced you can’t find something that works as well as an unsafe product, make sure to keep your dog away from those surfaces until they’re completely dry.

Of course, you’re not going to be able to divest your house of everything that’s potentially dangerous to your dog. In its animal poison control list, the ASPCA (
aspca.org
; click “Pet Care” and “Animal Poison Control”) warns against everything from cold medications to post-1982 pennies.

The bottom line is to get rid of what you can, minimize exposure to what you won’t, and store the rest in a safe, inaccessible place. Also keep the number of your vet and the ASPCA Animal Poison Control Center’s 24-hour hotline handy: 1-888-426-4435.

This question is predicated on the reasonable assumption that at some point your dog will have an urge to eat something vegetal that’s not on his regular menu. Frankie is particularly fond of grass, in spite—or perhaps because—of the fact that it tends to make him throw up.

Puke-inducement notwithstanding, munching grass doesn’t present a health problem, but you’d be amazed at how many seemingly benign flowers and plants can (at minimum) cause more serious stomach upset, and (at maximum) be fatal. The ASPCA puts amaryllis, azaleas, chrysanthemums, cyclamen, English ivy, oleanders, pothos, rhododendrons, schefflera, and tulips on its top offenders list.
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See
www.aspca.org
(under “Pet Care,” “Animal Poison Control,” and “Toxic Plants”) for the complete list of 17 Common Poisonous Plants, as well as for the more comprehensive lists of plants to avoid and plants to plant.

Of course, even the most benign plants can be rendered dangerous with the use of chemical herbicides, insecticides, and pesticides. Among the most toxic are those containing methomyl, metaldehyde, disyston or disulfoton, and zinc phosphide.

Nonchemical fertilizers are generally dog friendly—with important exceptions. Cocoa bean mulch, for example, contains, well, cocoa beans, and thus theobromine and caffeine—the same ingredients that make brownies verboten to dogs.

I was about to suggest things you could do to minimize the hazards if you insist on using chemicals in your yard, but it occurred to me that any toxins you use will inevitably infiltrate the water supply. If you want to be a bad global citizen, let someone else be an enabler; I’m not going to tell you how to poison me and Frankie.

Probably—but first you need to dig into your dog’s psyche to get at the source of her underground urges.

A great deal of tunneling is breed related. Terriers, for example, live to search and destroy prey, the more deeply embedded the better, while furry northern breeds like Siberian Huskies try to escape the heat by creating underground shelters. But some types of digging transcend genes (if not always gender). Unneutered males—especially those with strong noses—dig to get out of Dodge and hit on girls in heat, and pups of every variety move dirt around to escape boredom.

Finding the source of the digging urge can help you figure out whether to try to eliminate or redirect it.

Keeping your Siberia-bound digger indoors at the hottest time of day or during the warmest months, for example, might suffice to eliminate his excavations, while providing chew toys, especially food-oriented ones, could alleviate boredom (see Chapter 7 for other entertainment options).

And you can either keep your flowerbeds or your male dog intact.

If you have a terrier or other natural tunneler, however, diversion is probably the best tactic.
To wit:
Give your dog her own personal digging pit.

Pick out a corner, loosen the soil and/or add sand, and set up barriers—not high enough to prevent access, but clear enough to provide boundaries. Then lure your dog to the area by burying toys, food, or whatever treasure you think she would want to unearth. If your pup doesn’t have an especially strong sniffer, let her watch the process. It might take a bit of time to establish your garden’s dog patch, but eventually you’ll create a gardening companion who’s not Shiva the destroyer.

And don’t forget to replenish the dirt and underground goodies now and then to maintain the desirability of this bit of doggie real estate.

Yes. And why do you think this is a problem?

When did your children last take long walks with you, listen to you without interrupting to ask for money, and fail to criticize your clothing choices?

With a dog, your unconditional love will be requited.
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Only the very unlucky would have their dogs run away and their adult children return home to live with them.

Your relationship with your dog might even improve your relationship with any irritating, overly demanding offspring. When you see said ingrates, just keep referring positively to Leona Helmsley, who willed $12 million
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to her Maltese, Trouble, while leaving two of her four grandchildren bupkus. Your own relatives should get the hint—and if they don’t, they’re too thick to be fiscally responsible and will doubtless squander your hard-earned money.

And at least you can say you’ve been there, done that as far as producing progeny is concerned. Some people worry that getting a dog is a substitute for having children. To them I say the world is greatly overpopulated. You’re helping to conserve the earth’s limited resources. And if you rescued and spayed or neutered your dog, you earned double the good karma points. (If, on the other hand, you supported a puppy mill, points will be deducted. I’m not sure how many; the universe rarely speaks to me in specifics.)

And there are those who fear they’ve gotten a dog to avoid relationships with other people entirely. No worries. Human and canine bonds are far from mutually exclusive. Unless your pup tries to bite everyone he comes into contact with—in which case a lot more training is in order—a dog usually serves as a social lubricant.

That said, human relationships tend to be overrated. And at least with a dog, you’re bound to get more fresh air and exercise than you would if you were parked at your computer buying power tools for your Second Life avatar.

It’s one of life’s oddities. Few people would question your purchase of a flat-screen TV or of a new car—unless you couldn’t afford it, in which case, under the guise of concern, your friends and family members would discuss your spendthrift ways behind your back. But many will feel free to second-guess the amount you spend on a living creature who gives you great joy (and doesn’t question your purchases, unless you’ve bought the wrong type of dog food).

Responses to their criticism might include:

But this brings up a valid issue of priorities. You might consider donating some money to dogs in need
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instead of buying yours a new collar; dogs don’t much care what they wear. If you’re flush enough to do both, more power to you.
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Then again, it’s really none of my business—which is the best answer (in reverse) you can give anyone who questions your spending habits.

I included this question in my book outline before the economy began tanking, and—given the current difficulty of finding work, period—thought about substituting something else. Then it occurred to me that the dog/job question was still very relevant. Involuntarily becoming a freelancer, independent contractor, or plain old unemployed person allows you to spend more time with your dog—a perk that inspired many a boom-time decision to telecommute, whether publicly acknowledged or not.
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