Always Yours (34 page)

I stayed completely still, matching his breathing, breath for breath, hoping he wouldn't wake up. Shutting my eyes tightly, I prayed I would fall back to sleep. I wasn't ready for him to let me go. I wanted one more day. One more night to get my fill of him before he moved on.

But the cards didn't give a shit about what I wanted—they never fucking did. Soon, he was awake and stretching his arms over his head. "What time is it?" He yawned.

"5:30," I said, rolling over so I was facing him.

He turned his head and looked at me, his eyes filling with sadness as he realized exactly where he was. He opened his arms up to me and I snuggled into his chest. I drew imaginary circles on his chest as he ran his fingers through my hair. We were both stalling. I don't know how long we laid there but it seemed like only seconds when the first dim light from the sun started to shine in through the window.

He took a deep breath, his chest rising as it filled with air. "I can't lay here like this," he said as he exhaled loudly. My heart slammed into my chest. "Come on, firecracker. It's time." He sat up and swung his legs over the bed as he searched for his clothes. I blinked away the tears that were threatening to escape. Pulling the sheet over my body, I wanted to crawl into a cave and never come out. He didn't even look at me as he rummaged through the clothes on the floor. An icy cold shiver ran up my spine as I watched him get dressed. I couldn't believe I was this close to someone who seemed so far away. Sliding his jeans on, he grabbed his shirt and headed straight for the door. He paused in the doorway but never looked back. "Get dressed and come downstairs."

Once he was out of sight, I fell back onto the bed and covered my eyes with my arm. He was being so standoffish. Maybe this was his way of making things easier on himself. I didn't want this to end in such a shitty way but I couldn't force him to act differently.

Let's fucking get this over with.

I threw the sheet off of me, got up, put on a pair of yoga pants and a t-shirt and headed downstairs. I could smell coffee drifting through the living room as I turned to head into the kitchen and it was making my mouth water. I was going to need fifty cups just to make it through this morning. I stopped moving when I saw Cam standing in front of my kitchen table with two mugs of steaming coffee in his hands and a blanket draped over his arm. "Ready to watch the sunrise, firecracker?" He held out one of the cups for me.

Tilting my head to the side, I pursed my lips. "Um, sure," I said, taking the coffee. "Thanks."

He turned and headed for the back door and I followed. Before sitting down he wrapped the blanket around his shoulders. The air was cool and crisp this morning and fall was in full swing. I pulled a chair next to him and sat down as he looked at me with a pained expression on his face. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"Sitting down," I replied warily.

"You're going to freeze over there. Come sit on my lap." He patted his knee. He opened the blanket and waited for me to move. I just stared at him.

What's up with him? One minute he's grumpy and pushing me away, the next he wants to cuddle? I don't get it
.
I just wanted to get this horrible morning over with.

"Firecracker, come here," he said in a deep strong voice and I couldn't help myself. Sitting on his lap, he covered me with the blanket, engulfing me with his arms.

We sat in silence for a while, sipping our coffee, watching the dark midnight sky turn into bright colors of orange and purple. The sun was peeking over the horizon, shining light down on a new day.

"I know I've let you down so many times," he said as he nuzzled into my neck. "And this time certainly tops the cake."

"Stop blaming yourself. We've both messed up, Cam. We've always had horrible timing," I said, taking a sip of my coffee.

"I'm just so tired of seeing the pain in your eyes. Last night it was gone and I finally felt at peace. But then this morning, I go and fuck it all up again. I'm so sick of being the reason it's there. I miss seeing the sparkle I saw the first night we met, before all of the shitty cards were dealt out." He huffed.

"Well, after this morning you won't have to worry about seeing that anymore," I said halfway joking and I regretted it as soon as I spoke. I hated my big mouth sometimes.

I felt his body tense up underneath me and I knew my words hurt him. "There are so many things I would do differently with you if I could."

"I know, me too." I laid my head back on his chest.

"I don't want this goodbye to be ugly, Cara. I won't be able to take it," he said softly and my eyes shut.

I knew exactly what he meant. He didn't want to live every day of the rest of his life without closure and neither did I. There was no way I would be able to move on. Getting over Cam was the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I never truly got over him. I only convinced myself I had but I was lying. If we parted again with all that anger, I knew I would never survive it.

"Then let's make it beautiful," I said, turning back and looking at him. He smiled and my heart did somersaults in my chest. Leaning forward, he kissed me softly before we returned out attention to the brightening sky.

When the last drop of coffee was gone I took both cups inside and rinsed them out. Cam's phone rang just as I finished and when he answered it I knew exactly who it was. His voice sounded so different as he spoke to her. It was softer in a way and every syllable he spoke worn me down further, shaving off pieces of my heart little by little. Then everything came crashing down on me all at once, and I couldn't breathe.

I didn't think he was really going to say goodbye. But then I heard him tell her they would figure it out and make it work. I knew it had been my idea but I guess that's why I figured he'd stay. I'd been subconsciously waiting for him to say he didn't care about her—that he would find a way to make it work with
me
and still be there for the baby. But he didn't. And I knew now, one hundred percent that he was leaving. There was no way this was going to be a beautiful goodbye—at least not for me.

I stared out the window in front of my sink as I watched him. His eyes lighting up, his smile growing wide as he spoke to her about the baby. I grabbed the counter to brace myself when I felt my legs start to give out. My vision blurred as tears, once again, formed in my eyes. Hanging my head, I let them fall silently.

When he hung up, I quickly tried to wipe my eyes dry but it was no use, they wouldn't stop. I grabbed a dish towel and pretended like I was wiping down the counter. I heard Cam's footsteps enter the kitchen and stop just behind me.

"Everything okay, Cara?" he asked.

No.

"Yeah, everything fine," I lied.

When I didn't turn around, he wrapped his arms around my waist. He released a heavy sigh. "I have to get going," he said softly.

I nodded slowly, fidgeting with the dish towel that was still in my hands. He pulled the towel from my grasp and set it on the counter. Spinning me around in his embrace he looked down at me so we were face to face. "How is it possible to be this beautiful even when you're crying?" He reached up and wiped away the tears from my cheeks.

I leaned into his touch. "Thank you, Cam," I muttered as I stared into his eyes.

"For what?" He sounded confused.

"For teaching me to feel again," I choked out with a small smile and his eyes glossed over as he kissed a fresh falling tear on my face.

He pushed his forehead to mine. "I was always yours, firecracker. And a piece of me always will be."

I closed my eyes as I felt him slipping away from my grasp. He trailed his hands down my arms as he backed away from me. The emptiness I knew I would feel once his skin left mine began to creep in as his hands reached my wrists. I raised my arms, reaching out for him, hoping I could feel his touch for just a moment longer. Hoping, maybe he would just stay. The tips of his fingers lost contact with mine and he lingered on my skin as the vacant feeling took over my whole body.

Opening my eyes his back was already to me. He had already turned away. He took a step and my heart broke. He took another and my legs started to tremble. The next made my lungs constrict. Before I knew it I was watching my front door close as I whispered, "Goodbye," through my silent sobs.

He was gone.

Sitting at the station, on the back of the fire truck, I watched the sun creep up over the horizon. The orange and purple hues lightened the black sky and for a moment Cara was back in my arms. I don't know why I did this to myself every damn morning, but I couldn’t help it. It was my way of holding on to her and I didn't plan on ever letting go.

"Hey, man," Adam said quietly as he walked up beside me.

I looked over at him. "Hey. What are you doing out of bed?"

"Crew change is in an hour. Figured I'd get up and start pulling my shit off the truck." He took a seat next to me and stared out at the morning sun. "It's okay to let go, Cam," he said, leaning forward on his knees.

My head filled with recollections of Cara and a tiny smirk broke out on my face. "Nah, too many great memories. I think I'll hold on to them all a little longer."

I looked over at him and he chuckled. "I'm not telling you to forget about her. I know that's impossible. I'm simply saying you don't have to put yourself through the pain. I know things are rough with Amber, but did you ever think maybe it's because you're holding on to the past. You'll never stand a chance with her if you let the past consume you."

He patted me on the back and walked away, leaving me to simmer over his words. He was right. I did the same thing with Cara. I let my past with Amber overtake that relationship and look what happened.

Right now my relationship with Amber was like scaling a cliff with no safety rope—I was hanging on tight, praying I wouldn't slip and fall to my death. She was carrying my whole reason for existence and I knew one false move would send me plummeting straight to the depths of hell.

It had been six months of battles with Amber. We fought constantly, but for the sake of my son I needed to find a way to make this thing work. I did care about her. I just didn't know if I would ever love her again.

After shift change I headed straight home like I always did. It was Sunday so Amber was still in bed when I walked in.

She was on her side, cuddled up with her body pillow. Her leg draped over it like it was a saddle, as she snored away. As silly and loud as she was she looked beautiful. Her blond hair contrasted against her black tank top, making it look brighter than it was. Her adorable protruding belly made a sense of satisfaction wash over me and I began looking at her in a different light.

Sitting down on the bed, I brushed her hair out of her face and kissed her forehead. She began to shift in her sleep while I continued to trail kisses down her neck. She let out a muffled giggle as her eyes opened.

"How's my little boy doing?" I asked, placing my hand on her stomach.

"I think our little fighter finally wore himself self out," she said, placing her hands over mine. "All that kicking and punching he's been doing finally caught up to him. I'm just glad he finally gave my insides a break."

"Do you think everything's okay?" I asked with a slightly panicked voice.

"I think so. But he hasn't moved in a while," she said and my heart stopped beating entirely.

"When was the last time you felt him?" My medical training started kicking into high gear. I wasn't a damn OBGYN but I knew that wasn't normal.

"Yesterday morning," she said, casually shrugging her shoulders. "It's been so nice not having him kick my ribs."

"What?" I yelled. "Are you serious right now? It's been twenty-four hours?"

She looked at me like I was crazy. "What? Is that bad?"

"Yeah, Amber, it is. Have you not listened to the doctor at all?" I remembered Amber's doctor saying something about ten movements every two hours, so I knew this was bad. Standing up, I grabbed her hand. "Come on, we need to get to the hospital," I said, trying to yank her out of bed.

"I'm not going to the hospital, Cam. I'll just page the doctor. I'm sure it isn't a big deal." She said it nonchalantly as she sat up grabbing her phone.

Why was she not freaking out?

She had the doctor paged and when I looked down at her hands resting on her stomach my fucking heart plunged. Something wasn't right. I could feel it in my gut.

Pacing around the room, I yielded her phone to fucking ring. I wanted to hear what the doctor had to say before my mind drove me insane. "Can you at least get up and get dressed just in case the doctor says we need to go to the hospital?" I lashed out at her.

With an irritated sigh she gradually got out of bed and headed for the bathroom."Sit down, Cam, you're driving me nuts! Everything is fine, stop freaking out," she argued, slamming the door shut.

I sat down on the bed and buried my face in my hands as my leg bounced uncontrollably. I felt sick.
Something's wrong. I know it.

The faint buzzing of her phone on the night stand pulled me from my state. I flew across the bed and grabbed it as Amber came back out of the bathroom. She stomped over and pulled the phone from my hands.