Always In: The Shore Series Book 2 (33 page)

"For someone who's never been in love, you sure know a lot about it."

She leans into me so her face is in front of me.

"You think I’ve never been in love? You don't know anything about what I’ve been. I'll let you in on a little secret, Cruz. I’ve been in love with someone for a while now." I look at her surprised.

"Don't look at me like that. I’m changed by it on the inside. I talk a good game, Cruz, but on the inside I’m just like everyone else. I get hurt, I cry, I long for this person and he has no idea, but that's okay for now. I'll deal with it when I think the time is right."

She nudges me with her elbow. "Don't think you're alone in loving someone and not having the control about how the other person feels. I get it, I really do. But what you guys had, I envy. You could have it again. Just give her time to figure it all out. Patience is a virtue. If you love her the way you say you do, then those words with resonate with you and in the end the sacrifices and what's in your heart will win."

The word “patience” runs through my brain constantly. I’m not a patient person either, but Willow's right, I love her enough for her to figure it all out for herself.

I push away the rest of the whiskey in my glass. I swallow down every emotion, every bad thought I could have, and remember how she did love me. How I craved it when we were together and how I still do. I turn on my stool toward Willow again.

“What if my love wasn't enough? What if she chooses him? Do I just forget and move on?"

She grabs my hand and pats it in a kind and in an extremely un-like Willow way.

"You’ve proved your love to her time and time again. It's not a question of whether or not your love is enough for her. If she chooses him, yes, you need to walk away and let her move on with her life and you with yours. But you'll never forget. You'll always have with you the truth that someone in your life gave you the gift of love. That's something no one can ever take away from you.”

She gets up off her stool and grabs her designer purse, goes in it and grabs some hand sanitizer out and squirts it in her hands.

"How'd you find me anyway?" I ask.

"After school I went by Craw's and didn't see your car, so I drove around until I found it."

I smile at her and she rolls her eyes.

"Thanks, Willow." I go and grab her and hug her. She let's me but not for long.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's not get all mushy and shit." She points her finger at me, poking me in my chest.

"And if you tell anyone I said the things I said, especially the part about me being in love, I will take your balls, slice them up, and stick them in a blender and make you watch."

She winks at me and walks out the door of the old, rancid bar.

So I sit here, looking up at that TV screen again and think about not giving up.
Can I?

Patience is a virtue and if it takes every bit of patience I have left in my body until she figures out what she wants, then so be it. It doesn't make me happy or easy but I'll just take it day by day.

***

She called a few times after that day in front of school. I haven't answered any or returned the calls. I’m going to see her today though at the baby's christening. I didn't sleep last night because I’m so nervous about seeing her. I haven't talked to Craw about it, either. When he tries to bring it up, I ask him to leave me alone.

Will he be there with her today? Will I have to face them together? The thoughts make me sick. She knows how I feel about her. I’m sure she wouldn’t be intentionally cruel. That is not my girl. I tie my necktie and my hands shake. I look in the mirror at the person I am now. A man that's scared to see the person he's in love with.

Fuck, I never wanted this.

Craw already left for the church. I told him I wanted to go by myself. I’m not going to the luncheon afterward. It's too awkward. Not that what I’m about to do won't be either.

I make my way to St. Mark's Church in downtown Princeton. I sit in my car for a few minutes and grip the steering wheel tightly, a lame attempt to muster up the courage to walk into that church and face her. All I want to do is scream, but I'll go and do what I am privileged to do.

I walk through the large, old wooden doors to the church and up the long aisle my eyes automatically going to hers. I’m fucked. I can't even walk into a room without my eyes going directly to her. It's like she pulls me in. It's ridiculous to have someone have so much power over you without really doing anything. When I reach the family I go directly to Joe and Annabeth Hannum.

Joe shakes my hand firmly and smiles. "So glad to see you, son. Thank you so much for doing this for Greta and Jeff."

No one has ever called me son before.

Annabeth hugs me. "Oh, dear, sweet boy. You look so handsome today. It's so good to see you."

"You look beautiful, Annabeth, and thank you."

I shake Jeff's hand and Craw's and kiss Greta on the cheek. I see no one else is here. No British dude. Thank Christ.

I try not to look at Harlow, but that's so impossible. She looks so beautiful, so healthy, but her sapphire eyes, so sad. I swallow hard and I do what I wanted to avoid doing. I walk over to her and kiss her cheek.

"Hi, Har." Then I back up and everyone stares at us. She pulls my arm to the side of the altar.

She speaks quietly, "You haven't answered any of my calls or returned any of my messages. We need to talk."

I lean into her ear and say, "This really isn't the place or time to discuss this, Har. Besides, I’m giving you space to figure this all out. I can't see you or talk to you right now. The only reason I’m here is for the baby." She looks angry and I haven't done anything wrong so why should she be? Damn it.

The priest interrupts us by telling us the ceremony is about to start. We stare at each other for a moment and I break it by walking away. Harlow trails behind me. Everyone sees my face and I must looked pained because Annabeth looks at Joe and grabs his hand, then rests her head on his shoulder. They all look a little sad.

I see baby Avery in her long, beautiful white dress, looking so angelic. I go to her before we begin and see her chubby cheeks. I take my finger and run it down her face and smile at the sleeping babe in her mother's arms. Greta winks at me and I step back and see Harlow staring at me. Her expression is unreadable at first sight. But then I see sadness in her big blue eyes. They look glassy and blank.

When the priest begins and asks the godparents to step up next to what looks like a mini dunk tank, I stand beside Harlow and I can smell her. Her scent fills me, not the smell of this old church or the smell of the baby, but her. I look up at the large cross that hangs above the altar and I close my eyes for a brief minute and silently pray.

Please God, let her choose me.

Standing this close to her is torture. I can hear her breathe, even over the priest's voice. I look at her from the corner of my eye, watching her look at her sister and the family she has created, and I see the tears come. She swipes at them and at her nose, and because I know her soul like I know my own, I understand why she's crying.

This sadness comes from what she knows she won't have, but I want to grab her and tell her, yes, we can. I'll take that step with her. I'll give her that family she wants. I'll give her myself and we can stand at this altar and exchange our vows. Then we can stand here again and hold a baby in our arms and accept that a child made in someone else's body can be ours. It would be a piece of us, because we would have given it life genetically, and will then raise it together. We could be a family. Hope is not lost.

All this rests on her, though.

When the holy water is sprinkled on Avery's head she doesn't even flinch. She stays asleep.

After the ceremony, we snap pictures, me beside Harlow and Craw while Greta holds the Avery. I have to fake a smile and I know Harlow does too. Even though this is a happy occasion, neither of us are happy. Before I have a chance to react, Greta turns to me and places a sleeping Avery in my arms. She fits so snuggly, so perfectly. This creature that was made from love has the world at her feet and a future so bright that it makes me believe in things that I never thought were possible. She opens her tiny eyes and looks at me and smiles. It captures my heart, robs it blindly, and takes my breath. I bring her tiny face to mine and take in her soft, delicate scent, and I rub my stubbly cheek against hers. She squirms and let's out a laugh that in turn makes everyone else laugh. I look up and the only one not laughing is Harlow. She's crying and then she walks down the aisle and out of the church. Craw goes to chase after her but I hand the baby back to Greta and tell him, "I'll go." He nods and I take off outside into the cold December air. I don't see her anywhere. I run to the curb and look to my left then to my right. Nothing, nowhere, until I hear a small sob behind me. I turn around and she is standing with her back against a wall of an alcove on the side of the church. I walk back up the steps slowly. Every step I take is one step closer to her and with each touch of my foot on the ground I feel like I should push her away. This patience and distance thing is what
I
want. I reach her and she swipes at her face. The freckles across her cheeks are damp still and I want to reach out to wipe the rest of the wetness away, but I’m not going to.

"Just leave me alone, Cruz. I want to be by myself. P-please, leave me alone."

I lean my back against the wall next to her and she turns her body away from me a bit so I can't see her face.

"I didn't call you back because I didn't want to talk to you. I am trying to give you your space and talking wouldn't help. I need it, too. I need the space. This thing with us, it's just too damn hard."

She turns back around in my direction with an angry look in her eyes.

"You need space? It's too hard for you? You? You aren't the one who had to make decisions."

I kick away from the wall and take her arm and pull her toward my car. She struggles, but my grasp is too much for her to wiggle out of. I open the passenger door and throw her in and I come around and climb in and lock the door.

"Get me the hell out of here, Cruz." She jiggles the door handle trying to open it and I ignore her pleas.

I yell over her yelling, "You're not going anywhere until you calm the fuck down and we talk." She doesn't listen. She's even more determined to get out of the car and in a minute she'll break my fucking door.

"Harlow, knock it off. I’m a cop. I can have you restrained in ten seconds flat, so chill the fuck out."

She finally stops and crosses her arms in front of her and I reach over her and pull the seat belt and lock it in. Harlow pouts and looks like a five-year-old sitting there in the front seat of my car. I text Craw.

I kidnapped your sister. You won't be seeing her for the rest of the day.

He texts back a few moments later.

everyone understands. they know she's in good hands :)

That takes care of that.

We drive in silence. Where we drive, it's not around the corner either, so the comfort level is a zero. Her huffs and puffs and her sighs don't mean a thing to me. She can steam up the car windows with all the hot air she's expelling and I'd just say fuck it and put on the defrosters.

She falls asleep half way through our ride. The whole time I think about what I’m going to say to her. How else am I supposed to show her how much I love her? How many more fucking times? How many more tricks can I pull out of my hat?

Why? Why do this? If she isn’t ready to make a decision, why am I putting myself through this?

***

I pull into Barnacle Lane and under the deck of Porter's parents’ house and I nudge her awake.

"Rise and shine. We have arrived." She stretches and rubs her eyes with the palms of her hands. Then she sees where we are.

If I had a camera and could take a picture of her face, I'd win a contest for best “I just shit in my pants” picture.

"What the hell? Why are we in Sandy Cove? I’m calling my brother to come and get me."

"Already took care of that. He won't be coming." I shrug which aggravates her even more.

"Then I'll call Porter or Max or Willow. Yeah, Willow. She hates you and she's dying to make soup out of your balls anyway. This is the perfect excuse."

I sit here like there's not a care in the world. She could call the president and he wouldn't come get her. I refuse to give up.

"Too bad Porter is in Boston finishing up his last semester. Max is in New York playing a gig, and if I told Willow where I took you, she'd pat me on the head and tell me I’m a good boy."

"Bullshit."

"Bullshit?" I question her back.

"I want to go home. I don't want to be here with you. You embarrassed me at my place of work. I need to get away from you."

I laugh. "I embarrassed you? You embarrassed yourself, Harlow. You had every opportunity to tell that guy about me and you chose not to. I had nothing to do with the way he found out about me."

"It's none of your business when I was going to tell him. Just know I was. I had every intention. I just didn't get the chance."

I bang on my chest, over where my heart is, letting her know exactly where I hurt day after day.

"It is my fucking business because this is my life, too. When are you going to stop and realize that this is not only happening to you, Harlow! Fuck! It is more my business now that he knows because you can't make a decision. You tell me you love me and I’m just supposed to be okay with you falling for someone else? It's not okay to tell me you love me, it's not okay to tell this guy the same thing. And don't blame it on your broken brain. You've used up your coma card already, sweetheart."

For as tiny as Harlow Hannum is, the girl packs a powerful punch. She hits my jaw and I feel the sting as her tiny hand collides with my jaw. My head flies back and hits the headrest of my seat.

She grabs the keys from the ignition as I’m trying to shake the cobwebs out from her almost TKO. She undoes the unlock button and climbs out of the car and makes her way to Willow's mom's house. I watch her climb the stairs, battling the bitter elements of the December winds. Her dress blows around her and her hair spirals in the air.