Always In: The Shore Series Book 2 (31 page)

I rest my head on Daniel's chest. I don't want to leave, but I have to. It's the right thing to do.

"I do have to go."

He nods.

He opens the door for me and suddenly my feet feel like they're in wet cement. I want to leave but I don't. Is this how I’m going to feel all the time? So torn? I pray not.

***

All I see are big beautiful lights. Twinkling softly. Snow is on the ground and I feel cold. As I walk, the ground beneath me crunches. The snow is light and the colors reflect off it. I see red, green, and silver too. I open the door. Only darkness until I turn the corner. The powerful lights hit me, the brightness of them illuminates the room, but more than that, the brightness of his smile and eyes is more brilliant than any little bulb could possibly give. I walk over to him, a little taken aback by where he stands. The grandest of trees stands next to him. He looks at me then to the decorated tree, then his eyes follow me as I step closer.

"I did this all for you. Merry Christmas, Turnip," he whispers.

"But you don't do things like this. You aren't the type. Are you?" I question him.

"I’m only like this because of you. For anyone else, no. You are different. You are my world."

I run to him and kiss him with everything my lips and soul have to offer. Being in his arms is next to heaven. When tongues tangle, and arms embrace, and I feel the warmth of his body blanket me, I know in my heart how much I truly love him. I’m loved. I’m finally loved.

I tell him, "I love you so much, Cruz. Tell me everything is going to be okay? Please?"

He smiles against my cheek. "Yes, babe, yes. The only thing now you need to do is decide. You can't be torn. Make the choice."

I wake up with my heart hurting and my skin covered in a light sheen of sweat. The typical way I wake up after a dream like that. My chest constricts because this dream...this dream did happen. I remember. I rub my eyes and take in a deep breath. This dream was no ordinary dream. This happened and the memory of it hits me like a ton of bricks. This one is different from the others because I can see it in my head. I remember him surprising me when I got home from work that day. He stood there next to the Christmas tree, waiting for me to get home. If I close my eyes, I can see myself calling my dad and asking if he decorated the outside of my house in Christmas decor.

I remember it all. Every bit of it and it's as though a switch in my head has been turned on. The darkness that once was is now lit. And I smile at the memory.

My God, he did love me.
And I…I loved him just as much. So what do I do with this new memory? I wish I had someone to tell me what to do? I wish someone would explain it to my heart. I wish I could process it better with this broken brain of mine.

***

I try very hard to concentrate during my work week after that dream. It's an impossible feat. Between seeing Daniel every day, texts from Cruz almost daily, I’m struggling to concentrate on book reports and grading end of the semester tests. This is my job, but I can't help what goes on in this head of mine.

Daniel and I have been spending some alone time together. Mostly just for dinner. Ally offers to babysit and Craw, or Crawford as she calls him, keeps her company. I smile when I think of Craw and how every time Daniel sees him at school now, he gives him the overly protective father-type look. Ally lost her father young so Daniel is stepping up to the plate, but he has no worries when it comes to Craw. He's not promiscuous or a jerk. He's like my dad. Respectful and honest. Daniel and I haven't had sex again, just heavy kissing. Not that I don't have the desire to have sex with him, but in my heart, I know I can't give myself to Daniel again when I harbor these feelings for Cruz. It's not fair to him, or Cruz, or to myself.

But I still haven’t told him about Cruz. Perhaps my balls have shrunk now…. When Daniel and I kiss, I don't see Cruz like I did when I had sex with Daniel. It's all Daniel. His scent, his lips, his touch. It's just him, but when the night ends and I’m home alone, staring up at the ceiling, all that's on my mind is Cruz. All Cruz. I see his eyes, his lips on me, his strong arms holding me.

Every night I see him in my dreams and I know I need to see him in the flesh.

I need to see Cruz.

I know it's late but the need to see him overwhelms me. I send him a text.

hey, how are you?

Within a nanosecond a text from Cruz comes back.

Hey
Turnip. Good to hear from you. You okay?

I’m fine. I was wondering if you could come over. I need to see you.

now?

yes, now. if you can.

Give me a half hour.

So here I am pacing around my kitchen. He'll be here any minute. At my house.

Alone.

What do I do? What do I say? I know I need to be honest and tell him what I remembered, but I also can't stop thinking about what he said in the dream to me.

To choose. I can't be torn. I need to choose.

The sudden knock at the door jolts me out of my thoughts and I take a deep breath in and go for the door.

I know what it's like to have your heart skip a beat. How something in your sights steals your breath. The rush you get when you regain all the oxygen back into your system from not being able to breathe. Cruz steals my breath. He is beautiful. I know it sounds silly to say a man is beautiful but this man is.

His messed-up, wavy, brown hair and blue eyes shine when he smiles at me and I can't help feel elated when I see him.

"Hi," he says.

"Hi right back at you. Come in."

We walk into my living room and I offer him a seat. I curl up on my chair next to the sofa and tuck my legs underneath me.

"So, what's up? I was just finishing up my shift when you called." He is still in his blue uniform. No hat, but sweet Jesus, that uniform should be illegal.

I nervously tuck strands of hair behind my ears and bite my lip. Cruz notices and stops both my hands from doing it.

"Turnip, stop. What's wrong? Are you not feeling well? Do you…should I call the doctor? Is it your head, your legs...?" I stop him and take his hands in mine.

I chuckle a little about how worried he is about me. "I’m fine. Really. I have the occasional headache but I’m fine." I give him a reassuring smile.

He eases back into the sofa, relieved. "You had me worried there for a second. It's late and you should be sleeping."

I smile shyly because when I think about sleep, I relate it to my dreams and to him.

"Sleep hasn't been a friend to me since I woke from the coma. I never sleep through the night." But wait, that's a lie.

He looks at me sadly and I give it my all and tell him the truth.

"No, no, that's wrong." I take a deep breath in, feeling the air rush to my lungs, allowing me time to get up some nerves.

I don't look directly at him; I look to the floor and play with my hands in my lap, which I do when I’m nervous.

"When you and I shared that bed in Sandy Cove a few weeks ago, I slept through the night, like a rock, like I was in a coma." I smile, only meaning that as a joke, but I’m pretty sure he doesn't think it's funny.

He rises and comes to stand before me, crossing his arms and shaking his head.

"You can't kid around with something like that."

I strain my neck up to look at him and he's pissed.

"Cruz, I was joking about the coma thing. I wasn't serious."

He walks away from me and goes and leans both of his hands on the mantle of my fireplace. His head is lowered and he looks so bothered by what I said.

I get up and walk over to him, placing my hand on his broad shoulder. As soon as my hand touches him, he turns around quickly and catches both my hands in his.

"You don't joke like that. You have no idea, do you?"

He is so serious as he shakes my hands in his.

"About what?"

"Turnip, you have no idea what it was like to watch you day and night lying in that hospital bed. You slept, yes, but you didn't wake up. Mornings never came for you. I never really prayed in my life. I mean I don't even remember stepping foot in a church, but I stayed by your bed and prayed, and prayed for you to wake up. I didn't sleep through the night for six weeks, but did I care? No, I didn't. I was so afraid to close my eyes because if you opened yours for a split second, I'd miss out on that. So my sleep didn't matter. You waking up from yours was the only thing that did."

I stay silent and just get lost in the blue of his eyes. Locked in on the color and the longing he has in them for me. I’m the only thing he sees. The only thing he is focused on.

"I dreamt about last Christmas. Here, right here in this room. I remember the surprise you gave me. The lights, the decorations, you standing here when I walked through the door. The tree. It happened and I saw it through my own eyes. It did happen, didn't it?"

Cruz's jaw drops and so does he, to his knees and he holds my waist, resting his head on my chest. I weave my hands through his wildly thick hair and I kiss the top of it and tell him, "I slept so deep and soundly that night because you were there."

He looks up at me from down on his knees, surprised at my words. "Because of me?"

I nod and he stands up engulfing me in a hug. He's so warm, so strong, so solid, and I feel so safe in his arms. He takes his face away from resting it on the top of my head and cups my face. His beautiful lips tempt me. He scans me from my forehead to my lips as though begging for permission to kiss me. I give him all the permission in the world.

I whisper, "Yes, Cruz, kiss me."

He smiles and accepts my invitation.

The softness of his lips, the warmth of his tongue, and the touch of his hands make my limbs feel heavy, weak, and I know he's holding me up. We kiss like this until he backs me up toward the couch, never taking his lips from mine. I feel the back of my knees hit the edge of the sofa and with the force of his lips on mine, he gently pushes me onto the cushions. My back eases down onto it and he climbs on top of me, our lips still attached. I grab onto his strong back muscles and my hands snake down to his firm ass, squeezing as I do. He finds the drawstring to my pajama pants and slips his hand through the elastic band. The muscles in my stomach contract as I feel his fingers on my sensitive skin around my belly button. He pulls his lips from mine and looks at me like he's done something wrong. It's so the complete opposite of that. My body’s craving for him, his touch, the more it becomes familiar to my body - desire for him overtakes me. I take his hand and push it down, letting him know to go for it. To feel me, and what he does to me.

When his fingers make their entrance into me, we both sigh, looking into each other’s eyes, our mouths open. Then he closes his eyes. My hips jerk up to meet his every thrust, and my neck stretches back as I savor the feeling of him, and the welcomed desire his touch brings.

Breathlessly I tell him, "Faster, Cruz, faster." He listens and picks up the pace, fucking me with his fingers. I feel lightheaded and with every stroke he enlightens my body with sheer pleasure. He licks my exposed neck and kisses my ear.

"You feel so fucking good, Har."

With my orgasm straddling the edge, I need his lips back on mine, so I take my hand from his ass, place it on the back of his neck, and pull his lips down. With such fierceness and desire, I shut my eyes so tightly and come hard around his fingers. I cry out.

He pulls his hand from my pants and brings them to his lips, opening his mouth, and taking my taste in his mouth as he stares at me. I come down from my high, but my body needs more of him.

"Cruz, please, fuck me." I need more from him. I need him.

He sits up and runs his hands through his hair and rests his elbows on his knees and hangs his head.

"I can't, Turnip. I just can't."

Confused I sit up.

"Why not?"

He turns his face to me. "I love you so much it hurts, but it hurts even more knowing that there is someone else in your life and heart. I can't make love to you knowing that in your heart you can't give me one hundred percent. I know I told you I'd wait, but this is killing me. I don't want half of your heart, I want it all."

What am I doing? What am I doing to him? What am I doing to Daniel by being with Cruz? I don't want to tell him I understand, but I do. I can't have both.

"I know. I’m sorry." I pull my knees to my chest and hug them. He gets up and grabs his keys off the end table.

He's leaving. He's leaving me. I’m forcing him to go.

I get up and go to him. The pressure hits me and I try and breathe, but it’s impossible, because I’m so afraid he’s leaving. "Why are you going? Stay with me. Don't leave. Please."

I grab his shoulders and turn his body to me when he's already turned toward the door. He takes my hands and holds them, bringing each one to his mouth to kiss them. He looks at me pained. "It's too hard. Knowing that someone else touches you, someone else kisses your lips?” I’m not surprised by his words. He’s not a stupid man. He has to know the level of my relationship with Daniel.

“I can't do it to myself. I want you so bad, for myself, just for me, but if you can't tell me here and now that it's just me you want, I can't keep doing this to myself." He grabs his chest grasping his shirt over his heart.

"This is yours and always will be, but if you decide that it doesn't fit inside your life, I can't force you to feel it for me. I can't force you to give me all of you. You...you are always in here, that's not going to change. I'll fight for a chance to be everything for you, but ultimately this is your choice to make."

Despite his presence, tears begin to stream down my face and I feel so lost and alone.

"I understand." My voice sounds weak and it's exactly what I am. Weak.

Cruz makes his way to the door and turns the knob and opens the door, not turning to me but just looking outside.

"All of what I just said doesn't mean you can't call me if you need me for something, but for now, I can't have this happen again. As much as I want you, the only way I’m going to have you is if you are all mine, heart and soul."