Always Been Mine (3 page)

He leaned forward, putting the container on the coffee table before standing up. He’d changed from his dress pants and shirt into a pair of jeans and a black Harley tee. The bottom half of one tattoo showed under the left sleeve. I watched him walk toward me and realized that he was leaving. I moved away from the door, feeling surprisingly sad at the idea of being alone.

He didn’t open the door. His hand grabbed my upper right arm and yanked me against him. My face was shoved into his chest and I turned so my cheek so I could breathe. Solid arms came around me, holding me tight. He was so warm. I didn’t try

to resist, instead I melted into him, trying to warm the chill that went to my bones. His chin came

down on my head, enveloping me, sheltering me from my reality. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been held, and the thought devastated me because Will used to hold me all the time. Before. No…before her. Before my world fell apart. The tears burned my eyes. A hand found the side of my head, covering my ear and holding me closer. He was talking; I could hear the rumble in his chest but couldn’t make out the words. It was such a soothing gesture and it made me miss Will. As soon as I started to miss him, I realized that he was probably holding another woman right at that moment. I threw my arms around Matty and bawled like a baby.

I don’t know how long we stood there. He held me while I sobbed, shook, and tried to catch my breath. If it was anyone other than
Matt, I would probably feel like an idiot. But he knew me better than most. He pulled back, moving his hands to my cheeks and tipping my face up towards his, full of concern; the rings on his hand were cold against my hot face. Leaning forward he kissed my forehead. It was unexpected and sweet, and I could feel my eyes filling with water. His met mine, searching. “I’m right here.”

I nodded. A tear ran down my cheek and his

thumb caught it, wiping it away. “Hey. Shhh. Shh.” He pulled me close again, this time patting my back. My stomach growled loudly, making us both laugh.

“Ugh. I’m a mess.” I stepped back, breaking the embrace, and ran my hands over my face. There were those women that could cry and look absolutely stunning, both during and after. I was not one of them. I was an ugly crier. I knew my face was red and tear stained and my hair was a rat’s nest. But, I just didn’t care.

Matty looked down at me as if he didn’t see the wreck in front of him. Grabbing my hand, he smiled. “Let’s get you some dinner.”

I felt better than I had in days. Weeks maybe. Matty was on one end of my couch, I was on the other, my legs stretched on the cushion between us. He’d sat with me while I’d eaten, talking about everything from pop culture to office gossip. My crying spell had calmed me and sitting there with him, talking about normal topics, I was me again.

He hadn’t mentioned Will, but I knew he wanted answers. I just wasn’t sure how to bring it up or if I should wait for Matty to say something. Screw it. The elephant in the room was taking up so much space it made me more uncomfortable than talking about my marriage. “I don’t know where to start.”

Blue eyes searched my face. “How about at the beginning?”

I chuckled. “I don’t think you have that much time.”

He reached out, grabbing my foot. “I’ve got all night. Take as long as you need.”

There was so much more to it though. “I feel really bad talking to you about Will.”

His eyebrows arched and he sat back. “Why?”

“Because you’re our friend, and I don’t want you to feel like you have to take sides.”

The eyebrows creased and he looked at me like I had two heads. “I’m not his friend Jo. I’m your friend.”

“But…”

He cut me off. “No ‘buts’ Jo.” He paused glancing away from me and shrugged. “I think he’s a total ass hat. You’re my best friend. I’m here to support you—end of story.” He adjusted himself on the couch, moving one of his legs onto the center cushion with mine. ”You’re here,” he motioned around my room, “so obviously something serious happened. Can you please just tell me what in the hell is going on?”

I sighed, still unsure of where to start.

Matt
frowned. “Is it me? Are you fighting because of me?”

“Good lord, Matty. You really do have a complex. The world doesn’t revolve around you. You know that, right?” I sounded harsher than I’d meant to. But, he was something else. “Not everything is about you.” I sat up, putting both feet on the floor.

He gave me a dirty look. “I know that!” He sighed. “That isn’t what I meant. Billy's a guy, and sometimes men can sense..." he stopped, looking

away quickly. "I know how Taylor feels about us

being so close. I didn’t know if Billy felt the same way.”

I shook my head. “That would mean he’d actually have to be paying attention to me and what I’m doing.” Matty raised an eyebrow. I sighed, pushing myself off the couch. I walked to the mini-fridge and grabbed a bottle of water. I held it up, he nodded, and I tossed it to him before grabbing another for me. It was a long story that I didn’t really want to share, but I needed to. I walked back to the couch and sat with my legs folded under me.

“Will cheated on me very early in our relationship.” He couldn’t hide the surprise on his face. I sighed again, sat back, and told him the whole story. He did better concealing his emotions as I talked, but he shook his head in disbelief at the end. “I told him that I’d forgive him that once, but that if it ever happened again I would leave him.” I bit my lip. It was harder to say the next words out loud than it was to think them, but I needed to explain, to defend Will. “Our love life has never been a normal one. When it’s good, it’s great, and when it’s bad it’s awful. We go months sometimes without him touching me. If I try to initiate anything sexual, he complains that I’m too needy or just pushes me away. It is such a blow to my ego.” I took a deep breath. It killed me when he didn’t want me to touch him and I couldn’t begin to count the nights where I’d cried myself to sleep because of his refusals.

“The first time was after I’d had Benjamin. I gained a ton of weight through the pregnancy and when Will didn’t want to have sex, I assumed it was because I’d gotten fat. I was too tired to exercise, so I went on an extreme diet, just so he’d want me again. He didn’t. His rejection made me sad, so I blew the diet, ate junk and got bigger. But then a few months later he couldn’t keep his hands off of me, he said he loved my curves.” I laughed bitterly. “That became the vicious cycle of our lives. When he was in a funk, he didn’t even want to hug me. And instead of getting mad at him, I pointed that anger inward, chastising myself, doing every diet I could think of. But then he’d ignore me, and I’d yoyo and would gain more weight. And then I’d hate myself.” I straightened my legs. “You know that the Dr. told me I needed to lose the weight or I would be insulin dependent by forty.” He nodded. I’d gone to work crying after that appointment, and Matty had been my biggest supporter. He’d run pavement with me, gone to the gym on lunch break, and helped me stick to a diabetic
*diet. With his help, I’d lost sixty of the extra pounds I had packed on since Ben’s birth. “During all my changes, I came to terms with Will’s behavior. I woke up one morning and realized that it was his issue, not mine. I needed to get healthy for me and the kids and if it made my sex life better,” I smiled, “then it was an unexpected benefit.”

“Part of me thought that if I lost the weight the old Will would appear and we’d be ok. But that didn’t happen. I begged him to get help for his…” I stumbled, not sure what word to use, “issues. He talked to a doctor, but it didn’t change anything. He was never mean, just indifferent. That killed me. I wanted him to notice that I was making this huge change in my life and that it would ultimately be a huge change in
our
life. When he didn’t, I got passive aggressive. I started to get pissy over dumb shit. Then he’d get mad at me over equally stupid shit. For the last six months we’ve been on each other’s last nerve.

We’ve argued about everything, even things we’d never argued about before. Like, how to parent the kids, how to spend our money, and work. He’s been working on some big project that he never talks about; it felt like he was gone all the time. When he was home, he was annoyed with me constantly.
“In early May his parents asked if they could take the kids over summer break. I guess Will had told them he was working extra hours and with my schedule they wanted to help. We never see them since they moved and we thought it was a great idea. After talking about it, we decided to send them with his parents for the first six weeks and mine the last six. We looked at it as a chance to work on us. We were going to go on dates and discover each other all over again. Sounds great, right?” Matty nodded. “He seemed committed, and I thought for sure that this summer would be the one where we fell back in love. In reality, we were barely hanging on. We suddenly weren’t talking about anything anymore and we’d stopped laughing with each other. I was miserable. By the time school was over, the kids knew something was wrong. I couldn’t figure out what was off between Will and I, and I happily packed them and sent them away, just so they wouldn’t be caught in the middle.

“The night his parent’s came into town, Will stayed at work all night. Said that he had to finish his presentation. But I knew better. He never missed the chance to see his parents. I think he knew they’d realize something was wrong and he likes to put on a good show. He came home the next morning, showered, and ate breakfast with us before the kids left. He kissed them and his mom goodbye, and as soon as they were out of the driveway, he left too. He acted like I wasn’t there, which I chalked up to him being preoccupied with the presentation.

“I was in the bathroom getting ready for work when I found his phone tucked in the towels. I didn’t go through it, the thought never crossed my mind. I grabbed it and put it with mine so I could take it to him at work. While I was in the shower, he came back looking for it, though. I was so happy to see him, excited, thinking about what we were going to do with no kids.” I didn’t want to say anymore. I didn’t want to admit his mistakes, let alone my own foolishness. “He was angry that I’d moved it. Wanted to know what I’d looked at.”

I took another deep breath. I wasn’t going to cry again. “I didn’t want to fight with him so I jokingly asked him what was so important in his phone that I couldn’t see. I made some comment about pictures of naked women or dirty text messages, cause that is the last thing Will would have on his phone. His face got all red and I knew.” I could see him now, standing in the middle of our kitchen in his suit, his face the color of an apple, sputtering.

Matty was still, barely breathing. “He cheated.”

I nodded. “He’d been cheating. For months. He sat down at our kitchen table, looked me right in the eye and told me he loved her. She makes him laugh, she was a happy, sexy, fun person that always has time for him. Of course she is! Rachel doesn’t have two kids and a husband to clean up after, or any responsibilities that tie her down.” I sighed again.

“You know who she is?”

I nodded. “She’s his co-worker. I’ve met her at outings and stuff. She's beautiful and young.” I chewed on my bottom lip. So many things made me made angry about this. “Everyone knows he’s married and has a family! Someone they work with will figure it out. As much as I would love to blame her for getting involved with a married man, it’s really his fault.” I shook my head, grinding my teeth. “He’d tried to validate it, telling me that he couldn’t help whom he loved. Maybe not. But he had complete control over his body.” I looked at Matty, raising my shoulders. “What is it about me that repulsed him so much? Why didn’t he want me? Can you please tell me from the male perspective?”

Matty moved closer and shook his head. "I don’t know, Joes. I just don’t get it. I don’t understand why anyone would put energy into a new relationship when they could put the same energy into saving their marriage. Why anyone would want give up a family for an infatuation is beyond me. I had to start over and it sucked. I can’t fathom doing it by choice.”

“There’s one difference between you and Will. He…”

“Ha!” He cut me off. “There’s a hell of a lot more than that! I think I know where you’re going and don’t you fucking dare.” He adjusted, straightening up, his expression agitated. “You were right when you realized Billy’s problems were his own. They’re still his own. He’d have cheated if you hadn’t been angry with him or if you looked different. A man that loves his wife doesn’t love her body, he loves her soul. Don’t you take his shit on and make yourself feel worse.” His face softened. “This is not your fault.” I knew that. Really. But my head was in a constant conflict with my heart. “Why are you here and not him? Why didn’t you kick his cheating ass out?”

I wrinkled my nose “I couldn’t stay there. How could I sleep in my bed not knowing if she’d been there?”

“Why didn’t you ask?”

“I didn’t want to know! As soon as he told me, I went upstairs, packed some clothes, grabbed some other stuff and headed for the door. On my way out, he stepped in front of me and asked where I was going. I told him I was coming here and I left. I haven’t talked to him since.” There. It was out. It was nice to not have the secret anymore.

“He hasn’t called?” He sounded surprised.

“Oh, he’s called. My cell, the room, work. I just don’t answer. I don’t want to talk right now.”

“I can talk to him for you, if you want.” He smirked at me. “With my fist.” I laughed. Leaning forward I gave him a big hug. He smiled. “Really, wouldn’t hurt my feelings at all.”

“Thanks for offering, but I’ll talk to him soon enough.”

“Not too soon, though,” Matty smirked again. “Make him sweat it out.”