Always Been Mine (4 page)

“You’re feeling better!” It wasn’t a question, but a statement followed by a little squeal. I couldn’t help but smile at Teagan’s excitement as she slid into my cubicle and sat on Matty’s filing cabinet.

“I am.” My headache was gone. For the first time in days, I was listening to music while I caught up on my typing. I hit the save button, pulled out my headphones and turned to face her. Teagan Murphy-Jones was one of my favorite coworkers. She had been a caseworker here for all of her adult life, had seen it all, and was one of the women that had terrified me when I first started. Not only did she have a great physical presence, but she also had a bullshit monitor that would detect a lie from ten miles out and had no tolerance for anyone that even tried to get one past her. Teagan was tall, almost six-feet, with legs that went on for miles and shoulders that were wide enough to carry the weight of the world. But it was her hair that made her stand out. Curly and natural mahogany, it was breathtaking and the envy of every woman around. She once told me that she had gotten her looks from her dad, who got his from his Celtic warrior grandfather. Seemed legit, but sometimes you had to take what Teagan said with a grain of salt.  That BS gage worked well for a reason. “Is it that obvious?” I smiled at her.

She grinned back, nodding. “Yeah. Your color isn’t all pasty,” she wrinkled nose and made a face, “and you don’t look like you might start crying at any second.” She paused, tipping her head sideways. “Basically, you don’t look like shit.” Coming from anyone else, it might be an insult. But Teagan always told it like it was.

“Thanks,” I said, laughing.

She looked over Matty’s empty desk. “Where’s Biker Boy?”

“Court.” Her dark brown eyebrows raised in question. “Contested TPR.”

“Ugh. He’ll be there all day.” The disappointment in her voice was barley masked, but I nodded. Terminating a parent’s rights to their child was a hard decision for a child welfare team to make, and an even harder court hearing for a caseworker to testify at. After over a decade at this job, I still didn’t know what was worse—a contested hearing where a parent lost their child against their will, or parent voluntarily giving up their child. I couldn’t imagine the pain of having to do either. “So,” she continued, “since he’s gone, want to do lunch with me? We can catch up!”

“Absolutely. When you leaving?”

She stood up “Now.” I turned to my computer and locked it, standing up next to her.

“Where are we going?”

We settled on a favorite local pub, and set out on the bright warm summer day. The restaurant was on the second floor and had a covered deck that overlooked the river. We sat out there, enjoying the unusual break from the rain.

Teagan always had the best stories. As a single mom with two teenage girls, she had just entered the dating scene again and the troubles she was having would be the perfect comedy relief in any movie. When she told me about her latest date failure, I laughed until my sides hurt. "Have you or Billy talked to the kids recently?" She took a bite of her sandwich and waited for me to catch my breath.

  "I talk to them every night." I smiled. "They're having a blast—getting spoiled by grandma and keeping busy." S
till smiling, I relayed Lily’s stories of meeting the fairies and Belle at Disney World and Ben’s excitement of seeing St. Augustine. I looked up, meeting her eyes. "I miss them, though. I wish I could be there with them." I'd been so focused on my problems with Will, that I hadn't realized how much I missed them.

She snorted. "Enjoy the break, kid. Right now you can go home and nap, or read a book, or go to the beach and actually lay in the sun without someone annoying you every five seconds. Before you know it, they'll be back and driving you nuts. You'll be up to your eyebrows in laundry, running to football practice and field hockey, and mediating fights. And telling them they're too young to date." She sighed. "I'm jealous. Do you know what my two heathens are up to now?" The girls' shenanigans made me laugh again. My company was as good as the food and lunchtime flew by. As we walked back to the office, I realized that life was finally getting back to normal.

I was surprised to see Matt at his desk when I got back. “Court on lunch?” I asked after I greeted him.

“Nope. We won. Dad's case was weak and Judge G saw right through it.” He smiled and I could see the relief in his face. This case had been a rough one for him. “I drove out to the Smiths right after court to give them the news in person. They are beyond excited. Pam cried.” Teddy and Pamela Smith were some of the best foster parents I had ever worked with.

When Matty placed Todd, a two year old that had been severely physically abused, with them almost two years ago, they had fallen in love. Of course they had, the blue-eyed blonde was so small he was mistaken for a child half his age and stole your heart the moment he smiled at you. A result of their gentle guidance and constant love, Todd was now a feisty little four-year old.

Matty had worried about this TPR hearing for weeks. Dad had made some great progress over the last several months, and there was no doubt that he loved his son, but he hadn’t completed any anger management classes and was still failing random drug tests. If dad won and the court didn’t terminate his rights, Todd’s adoption would be delayed. And that meant Matty would have to start facing the possibility that Todd might have to go back to live with the man that hurt him. Todd loved his biological parents and still saw his mom, who had voluntarily terminated rights last year; but, to him, they were only people he visited with once in a while. The Smiths were his parents. I was glad it was finally over, for all their sakes.

“If I’d known, I would have waited for lunch.”

“I’m actually headed out early, but why don’t you come over for a celebration dinner tonight?”

That actually sounded fun and I nodded. “What time?”

“Let’s say six. Sound reasonable?”

“Yep. What can I bring?”

“Um…” he paused, “preferably not Will.” He gave me a small smile when I laughed. “Just bring you, Jo.”

I was a few minutes early, but I didn’t think Matty or Taylor would care. There weren't any other cars in their driveway, so either I was the first one to get there, or the only one coming. I parked behind Taylor’s Audi; the silver TTS coupe was gorgeous.  I had to give it to her; her taste in cars was as good as her taste in men. For a brief second, I allowed myself to be jealous of both the beautiful things that belonged to Taylor.

Then, I imagined trying to fit both kids and all their gear in the sporty little two-door that barely had a backseat. I could see it now, very similar to a game of phone booth, where I had to buckle each child in and then pack their backpacks and sports equipment on and around them. I laughed picturing a field hockey stick hanging out the passenger window and Lily’s little face peering out at me from the back seat, the rest of her buried underneat
h stuff while I tried to pacify her by saying it was ok, because at least mommy had a cool car.

Nope, I’d stick with my Dodge. I unbuckled and grabbed the plastic shopping bag from my passenger seat before I opened my door. Matty told me not to bring anything, but I refused to show up empty handed. So, I’d stopped at the local bakery to pick-up some flowers and a package of Matty's favorite cannolis. It was a celebration, after all. I'd thought about buying wine, but I knew nothing about it, and Taylor would definitely have some sort of alcoholic beverage if Sam wasn't here. Sam! I hadn't even thought about him. I couldn't remember if it was Matty's weekend to have him. The idea made me perk up a little. I adored that kid.

I stopped for a second, smiling up at adorable the house in front of me. It was a little T-shaped ranch with an attached two-door garage. It had come a long way in the two years since he’d owned it. The first time I’d seen it, I had actually been afraid to go inside. The white shingle siding and blue trim were peeling and half of the shingles were falling off, the metal roof looked like it would barely keep out the rain, the storm door on the front was hanging only by the top hinge, and the front steps were rotted away. The back yard was filled with weeds and grass taller than me, giving it an eerie ‘Children of the Corn’ feeling. I’d looked at Matty, shaken my head, and told him that I was sure someone had been murdered there.

He’d taken my hand, promised me that he’d protect me in that patronizing tone of his, and followed his realtor inside, pulling me behind him. The inside hadn’t been much better, but I watched, fascinated, as Matty walked around, oblivious to the destruction in front of us. He tugged me from room to room, pointing out the solid structure and explaining what his plans were. Which walls weren’t supporting walls and could be knocked down, what he could do with the back porch. We left an hour later and I no longer saw the shabby little run down shack, but instead the home he’d be creating.

And he had created it. The shingles had been replaced with light brown vinyl siding, the metal roof exchanged for black shingles, a beautiful front porch added. Out back, he’d not only cut the weeds, he'd transformed it into a wonderful fenced in yard with gardens and a swing set. The outside wasn’t all he’d changed.  It had taken us weeks, but we’d gutted the entire home and then Matty had built it back from scratch. He’d ripped out walls, creating the open floor plan that he wanted, laid hard wood floors in every room but the bathrooms, installed gorgeous cabinets in the kitchen, and had created a sunroom.  It was a perfect home for a man and his little boy. I loved it here.

I stopped on the front porch, about to knock, when Matty pulled open the door and stepped out to me. He smiled warmly. Then seeing my bag, asked what I brought. I smiled back, handing it to him.  He laughed when he saw the cannolis, pulling me in for a hug.   

“Matt! Don’t maul our guest before she even gets through the door!” Taylor’s voice, although sounding casual, definitely held a note of annoyance. Matty stood up, winking at me.

“Look, Tay. Jo brought desert!” Taylor scowled at the container as I walked into the kitchen.

“Isn’t that nice?” Her tone told me it was anything but. “You’ll have to go for a super long run tomorrow if you eat one of those. One has more calories than an entire meal.” I wanted to roll my eyes, but I smiled instead.

“Yeah, but it’s a celebration.” I looked from her to my best friend and couldn’t help myself. “I can totally come run with you, though, if you’re going to go for a long one. Or,” I smiled as I saw his lips twitch, “we can go for a run in the morning and then a hike in the afternoon.”

Taylor raised an eyebrow and smiled one of her fake smiles. “No need. We have plans, but I’ll make sure he gets plenty of exercise,” she turned away from us, taking the container over to the table, “tonight.”

Matty looked from her to me, as if not sure what to say, but deciding a change of subject was in order. “I’ll go throw the steaks on.” He grabbed a covered plate, which I assumed had marinating steaks, and headed out the back door.

Great. Leave me with the beast. I smiled at his girlfriend. “What can I do to help?”

“Nothing.” She moved her hand as if to sweep away my question, and my eye caught the glint of a ring on her hand. She giggled at my questioning stare. “Oh, ok.” She slid up next to me, holding out her left hand. “I know I’m not supposed to be wearing it, and that
Matt wanted to keep it on the DL around you because of the whole Billy thing, but isn’t it beautiful?”

It was. I’d never seen a diamond that large on a real person before. Her fingers were as tiny as the rest of her, but it took up the whole finger. I looked up, meeting her eyes, not sure what to say. “Congratulations?” I knew my voice didn’t sound like I was happy for her at all.

She pouted. “Oh, Jo! I know this must be hard for you, but come on. Be happy for us!”

“You mean because of the Will thing?” Or because it's a shock since I didn’t know that he was going to propose to you so soon? Or because I was hoping he’d realize who you really are and leave? I grabbed the bouquet out of the bag, walking to the cupboard where Matty kept his vases.

She waved her hand through the air dismissively. “Well, yes. That and …”

I interrupted her. “Actually, I talked to Will on the phone earlier.” I smiled. “And, I think we're going to be ok.”
      “You did?” I hadn’t heard Matty come back in. I turned towards his voice. He was leaning in the doorway, one foot propped over the other.

I gave him the happiest smile I could fake. “Congratulations!”

He didn’t move, his eyes glancing to Taylor. “I thought we agreed that you wouldn’t wear that tonight?” She only beamed back at him. His eyes came back to me. “When did you talk to Billy?” He looked pissed, but I couldn't tell if he was mad at me or Taylor.

“Earlier.” I smiled again, thinking about the call. Matty didn’t smile back. I took a deep breath. Tuning back to the cupboard, I picked a large lead crystal vase and filled it with water. “Obviously, we have a lot to talk about, but I really feel like everything is going to be ok. He wanted to go out to dinner tonight, but I had plans,” I turned, carrying the vase back to the island and smiled again at Matty, “that were too important, so we’re having dinner tomorrow night. Looks like it’s been a good news kinda afternoon.”

Matty looked like he was going to say something, but only nodded. He watched me for a minute. “Yeah. I’ll go check the steak.” And he was gone.

I smiled at Taylor as I leaned against the island, opening the flowers and arranging them in the water. “So? Any concrete wedding plans?” I didn't care, really. Her constant babble would drown out the pounding of my heart, though.

She scowled at me, taking a deep breath. “Wow. How’d you get him to come back?”

It took a second for her words to sink in. I stood up straight, turning towards her. “Excuse me?”

“Listen. Matt told me what happened. I was just curious what magic words you said to him to make him want to come back."

I shook my head. There hadn’t been any magic words. Dinner had been Will’s idea. It was his, “I love you, I miss you!” in the middle of the conversation that made me feel confidant things were turning around.

“Ok. Maybe you really are dumber than you look, but you have to know that now that he's free, Will isn’t just going to come running back to you. Right?”

I took a deep breath. “I’m not sure what Matty told you, but it wasn’t Will that left. We had a problem, and like a real married couple, we’re going to work through it.”

“Matt,” she stressed the word, “told me everything you told him.” She smirked at my raised eyebrows. “No secrets, you know. I get that you’re used to having a marriage where lies and cheating are acceptable, normal problems that real marriages have, as you say, but that isn’t the norm. Mine isn’t going to be like that.”

Matty would never cheat; loyalty was everything to him. “No, you’re right. Will made some mistakes, but Matty isn’t Will. You don’t need to worry.”

“I’m not worried about my fiancé.” Her voice was ice cold. “I’m not worried at all. But, I just want you to know where you stand.”

I laughed. She was really something else. “Maybe it’s you that just doesn’t get it. Matty and I are just friends.”

“Sure. And that’s what Billy thinks, too, right? You and Matt are just good friends with no other feelings getting in the way?” I tried to hide it, but I knew the understanding showed on my face. ”There is no such thing as a man and a woman being just friends, Jo. Someone always feels something they shouldn’t, someone always gets hurt. You may not understand it now, but I’m really watching out for you by making these changes.”

My mind was working in overdrive as I tried to connect the dots. “What changes?”

She raised an eyebrow. “I won’t let my marriage fail because of you. I’ve talked to Matt and he agrees. We need to focus on us, and you and your drama need to be gone from our lives.” She moved her hand, as if pushing me out. “We both know you’re in love with him.”

“You’re delusional.” I shook my head in disbelief, unsure if she meant me and her or her and Matty.

She smiled. “No, I’m not. The only one imagining things here is you. Did you think that Matty would leave me for you?” She sounded appalled. “Have you actually looked at yourself lately? Honey, I can promise you, if you can’t keep your own husband in your bed, you sure as hell won’t be able to get mine there. After tonight…”

“Taylor!” I’d never heard
Matt bellow, but that was the only way I could describe the sound he made. The glass plate made a hollow noise as he shoved it across the dining room table, walking towards us. “What in the fuck is going on?”

I looked from him, back to her. She had straightened up, but her face wasn’t red, her breath wasn’t coming faster. She wasn’t worried.
Matt on the other hand looked like he’d just seen a ghost. His face had lost all color and he was practically shaking. I didn’t know if it was in fear or anger. But I knew enough about people to know that these two had obviously had this conversation before. My heart sank. Not only had my best friend told his girlfriend, a person he knew I hated, the most personal details of my life, he’d talked about cutting me out of his. I was shocked. Nothing had prepared me for that revelation.

I took a deep breath. I wanted to demand answers from him. To tell him he couldn’t get rid of me that easy. But worst of all was the feeling of ultimate dread creeping in. Suddenly, I realized that Will cheating hadn’t hurt this much. A life without my husband didn’t seem nearly as lonely as a life without Matty. I was that pathetic. I looked up, meeting his ocean blue eyes. They were both right. My feelings for him crossed a line. Maybe I wasn’t in love with him, but I loved him. And I was definitely attracted to him. Was that really so obvious to everyone?

The moment lasted forever. I wanted to hug him, tell him I was sorry, and that I hadn’t realized. Instead, I smiled up at him. “Congratulations Matty. It was a good win today.” I turned to Taylor, who looked delighted. “I’ll leave you two in peace.” I practically ran for the door.

“Jo!” Matty had come across the kitchen and was reaching for me. “What…?”

I paused, long enough to reach out and squeeze his hand. “Goodbye friend.”

    
I had never been so thankful for a half circle driveway before. All I had to do was back up a little, then put my car in first, and punch the gas. My heart beat fast as I drove back to Auburn. I thought about calling Will and begging him to come to my hotel room tonight, or even driving straight home and jumping in our bed with him. But all that would do is muddy the water even more. So I turned up my music, turned down the volume on my phone so no one could interrupt, and convinced myself that change was good. I had other friends. I could transfer units at work. I was fine.

There weren’t a lot of nights that the idea of being alone was appealing or that going back to my hotel was a comfort. Tonight, though, both seemed wonderful. I didn’t want to be around anyone. I got out, just grabbing my cell and leaving everything else in the car. I could care less if someone stole my purse. Glancing at my phone when I got out of the car made me a little sad. Matty hadn’t called. Not that I thought he would, but I was just so used to him always being there.
Well, get used to it.
 

I was so lost in thought that I never heard the bike revving into the hotel lot. It wasn’t until it stopped directly in front of me, blocking my path, that I looked up. Matty stretched his booted leg out, bracing the bike upright, and cut the motor. “You ok?”