Always Been Mine (24 page)

He gave me his lopsided grin and my heart shattered. "Plato said that we each have a soul mate—one person that we share a spirit with. That person can be a friend or a lover, but it is someone to whom we are bonded for eternity.” He eyes bore into mine, showing me how much pain was behind those beautiful blue depths. As if on que, a single tear pooled from his eye and rolled down his cheek. “I want you to know, to remember, Joes, that you have always been mine."

He dropped his hands and turned, hurrying from the room. I fell onto the bed when the door slammed, and then I heard the bike roar to life. Just like that, he was gone, and my life would never be the same. I sat on the bed, clutching the black tee shirt that I’d claimed, until the tears stopped running.

I grinned at the little blue-eyed blonde in front of me. Today had been a perfect day—yes, it was sleeting ice cold sheets and the dreary February day seemed to be never ending, but none of that mattered. Today had been perfect because the family in front of me was now whole.

I’d begged Connie to let me have Todd’s case when Matty left. I was invested and needed to see it through. She’d been hesitant at first, but after talking with the Smith’s and knowing how devastated they’d been at Matty’s decision to transfer to another office, and how worried they were over the appeal, Connie had given in. Over the last several months, I’d grown very close with Teddy and Pam. Fighting for something Matty wanted was therapy. I felt like I was giving him something that no one else could, repaying him, even if he’d never know.

I’d been right—after he’d left that day, he hadn’t contacted me. He’d worked out his two week-notice, but conveniently was never in the office the same time I was. I didn’t go to his goodbye party, allowing Teagan to tell everyone I was just too sad because my best friend was leaving. And, in true Matty fashion, he’d played along, making our co-workers promise to keep me busy. He still talked to many of them and they’d bring me tidbits of news, thinking I already knew.

I missed him. Every day. At first, whenever I’d hear something funny or needed to vent, and I’d grab my phone before catching myself. I had replayed our last conversation in my mind a million times and realized what an idiot I’d been. I’d made a big deal about the fact that I wanted to know him and then shut him out when he tried to let me in. I needed to find the right way to apologize and ask for forgiveness but it was easier said than done and I let the days drag by.

Right before Thanksgiving, Teagan came back from a training with a serious expression marring her beautiful features, announcing she had something awful to tell me. She’d been with the Portland office, and most of them knew Matty. Teagan said it was very clear that he wasn’t single. So, he’d done what he’d promised. He’d moved on.

I didn’t cry. How could I? I’d left him. I still longed for him though. His touch, his voice, his presence. Will had the kids on Black Friday so Teagan took me out. Three shots in, I escaped to the bathroom and called him. He answered on the second ring.

“Joes? What’s wrong?” His voice was groggy. I’d obviously woken him.

“I’ve been drinking. Will you come get me?” I knew the sadness in my voice came through, even though I tried to hide it.

“Where are you? I’ll leave now.”

Something in his voice stopped me from telling him. I shook my head. “You can’t. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have called.”

“Tell me where you are,” he urged, worry in his voice.

“Will you take me home and make love to me? Let me make this right?” I regretted the words once I said them, but held my breath for his answer.

“Joes,” his voice was flat, “I’ll get you home safe. That’s it.”

“I love you. You know that right?”

He took a deep breath, like he was going to launch into a long speech. Instead, he blew it back out. “Let me come get you and take you home. Ok, Hun?”

Being doused in ice water wouldn’t have been as sobering as that word. Hun? I’d never been Hun. That was the name reserved for people that annoyed him.
And his exes
. The thought hit me hard, leaving me breathless. He really had moved on.

“Never mind, friend. I’ve got a ride.” I hung up, hearing him call my name as I did. Part of me hoped he’d call me right back, but I knew Matty wouldn’t play those games.

But, he had. My phone rang seconds after I disconnected. “Who are you with?” he demanded, all sleep gone. “I swear to fucking Christ Jo, I will drive around all night until I find you if you don’t tell me.” So, I had. Satisfied, he’d told me he’d talk to me later and hung up.

I texted Cris, knowing she’d still be awake, simply asking if he was happy. Her reply was quick and short: ‘
With Ursula? Never!’

The thought of him with Taylor, kissing her the way he kissed me, making love to her, building a life with her, destroyed me. The nausea that hit made me glad I was in the ladies room. Teagan found me there not long afterward. Matty had called her and insisted she take me right home.

That night cured the problem, though. I hadn’t been tempted to call him since. There was no need to. I’d wanted to fix us, to apologize for being stupid and running away. Matty, on the other hand, had gone back to the one woman I could never picture him with.

“You look sad…” Pam sat in the seat next to me, interrupting my thoughts.

I smiled and shook my head. “Not at all. I was just thinking about Matty and wishing he could be here for this.” 

Pam nodded. “Me, too.” Standing up, eyes twinkling as she smiled down at me. “We’re going to have cake and pictures in a little while. You’ll stay, right?” She didn’t give me a chance to answer before she walked away. It felt like I was missing something.

I was overseeing a rousing game of hide and seek when I felt him. I sat up straight, the hair on my arms standing on end as I felt the electrical current that could only be coming from one person. I heard him give a low greeting to the Smith’s and my body reacted instantly, heart pounding, palms suddenly sweaty. Before I could move, Todd realized he was there and ran across the hall, screaming excitedly. I wiped my hands down the front of my pants, eyes darting around the room trying to find the closest exit, debating whether I could sneak out the back door without being seen. 

“Congratulations Jo. You had a big win today.” His voice was low and steady as he sat in the chair next to me, draping his arm over the back of mine as if it hadn’t been months since I’d seen him. I didn’t know what to say, thankful that the kids in front of us were making so much noise. I heard him smile as he watched Todd try to hide in the open room. 

“Thank you.” I finally managed, without looking at him. I couldn’t. Just having him this close to me was too much. I needed to move, to get away before he saw what he was doing to me. “I didn’t know you were going to be here, but I’m glad you made it. If you’ll excuse me… ” I leaned forward, ready to stand, but he shifted, almost touching me and I froze. 

“How are the kids?” Before I could answer, Todd ran over to us, giving us each a giant hug and then ran off again.

I silently groaned. I didn’t want to sit here and make small talk, but seeing Todd’s face when he looked at Matty was enough to keep me rooted to the spot and being nice. “They’re well, thank you. Ben decided to try basketball,” I forced a laugh. “Thank god he’s got Will’s height. Lily wants to try softball in the spring, but I’m not sure another sport is a good thing right now. Will got offered a promotion.”

“I didn’t ask about Will and I don’t give two fucks if he got promoted or not.” He growled, just loud enough for me to hear him. I saw his body turn out of my peripheral, his knees touching my thigh, but I stared straight at wall ahead of me. “I heard he turned it down anyway,” he said absentmindedly, “because he couldn’t guarantee the nights and weekends it required, now that he shares custody of his kids.” How in the hell did he know that? I swallowed, a little too loudly, nervous about where this was going. “Now, how are the kids really?”

Once again, I despised the fact that he knew me so well. “They’re good. Better.” I shrugged. “It was a struggle at first, but I think we’re almost there. Most of the time I think they like having the undivided attention of each parent.” I took a deep breath, not sure what to say. I didn’t need to ask about Sam; I saw him when Becky had him and he spent a lot of time at my house. “How’s Cris?”

He snorted. “You talk to her more than I do, I should be asking you that.” He was still staring at me, but I refused to look back. I was going to tell him that I hadn’t really talked to her in months, but he continued. “She’s still pissed at me. So, how…” Pam interrupted, having everyone line up for the celebration picture.

I jumped at the chance to get away from him. Without thinking, I looked over as I stood up, meeting his eyes; other than small bags under them, he looked exactly the same. The realization irritated me; I was ragged and worn out and he was none the worse for wear. He smiled, seeing me stare at him, and stood, walking close as we approached the family. When we posed for the photos, Pam put Matty right next to me and he moved his hand to the small of my back in a familiar gesture. I fought to keep from melting against him, reminding myself over and over that we were done.

After a quick bite of cake, I made my excuses to the family and sped from the party. I couldn’t spend another second in the same room as Matty; his scent, his laugh, the way he was looking at me every time I looked up was all too much and I felt like I could start sobbing any second. I’d be damned if I’d let him see me cry, not after everything I’d done the last few months to start over without him.

I’d forgotten how much I missed him. I’d made it to my car, lost in thought, before a hand curled around my upper arm making me lose my balance and I fell against a steady chest. Struggling to stay on my feet, I braced my hands on his shoulders. Immediately, I realized the mistake as both his arms circled around me, pulling me close.

“Joes.” He chuckled as he steadied me. “Christ I miss you and your klutziness.” His eyes widened at his words, as if he didn’t know he was going to say them out loud.

The freezing rain had drenched me and a cold wet trail was running down the center of my back, but all I could feel was the warmth of his body against mine. The scene was eerily familiar and reminded me of another time we’d gotten caught in the rain. I shook my head, getting the damp hair out of my eyes and threw back my head to meet his eyes. “Get your hands off me, Matty!” I seethed. “Just let me go.”

“So you can run again?” He glared at me.  “I’ve had enough of this bullshit. You’re gonna stop bein’ stubborn and you’re gonna talk to me.”

“Really?” I could feel my temper flare. “You’ve had months to call me and you decide to wait until now?”

“See?” He tipped his head sideways, searching my face. “Stubborn pride. You always make the worst decisions when you’re mad. The phone works both ways, you know. You never called me.”

“I had no reason to call you! You crawled back to the sea witch just to spend eternity being tortured because you’re were lonely and pissed at me. That trumps any stupid decision I’ve made because of stubborn pride. We have nothing to say to each other anymore.”

He raised an eyebrow at my bitchy tone. “Sea witch?” Suddenly recognition crawled over his face. “Taylor.” His lips thinned in a hard line and he leaned in close. “I told you I wouldn’t be alone, and you left anyway.” I inhaled sharply, looking over his shoulder avoiding his eyes. He swore and moved and I thought he was going to let me go; instead he lifted me up and carried me to his car.

“What? Matty, put me down!” I demanded, but couldn’t struggle as the cold finally caught up with me and I started to shiver, my teeth chattering.

He didn’t answer, just opened the passenger side door and dropped me on the seat before closing it again and running over to the driver’s side. Starting the car, he turned in his seat to look at me. I didn’t know what he wanted; I’d given him so much of me, and he’d let it go. I sat rubbing my hands together, waiting for him to start talking.

After a few minutes, he switched the fan to full blast and I sat stationary, letting the heat blow over my skin, thawing me. I sighed, sitting back once the numbness in my limbs started to disappear. I wanted to apologize, to tell him I missed him, too. I turned, meeting his eyes, and swallowed my words. He wore a look I hadn’t seen before.

“I’m not with Taylor, Jo. I told Cris that to piss her off.” He smirked, rolling his eyes. “Long story.” He shook his head. “I went on one date. One. With a friend of a co-worker. It didn’t work ‘cause she wasn’t you.” He offered me a small smile. “I told you, you’re it for me. I meant it. But, you were right, we don’t work right now.” My breath caught and I looked away, unsure of what he would say next. His hand grabbed mine, holding it tight. “You’re not the only stubborn idiot, here.” He smirked, pausing. “I want to be with you. I want to get back to where we were, but right now…” he trailed off as his empty hand grabbed my chin and he pulled my face towards his. “Right now I miss you. I was wrong.” He shrugged giving me the lopsided grin I loved. “I need you, Joes. I don’t care how I have you as long as you’re in my life.”

I closed my eyes, trying to will away the tears that were burning the back of my eyes. Emotions warred inside me. Pride told me to tell him to go to hell, that I was fine without him, but I just couldn’t do it. I opened my eyes, stared into the baby blues I knew so well, and used every ounce of energy I had to smile at him. “It won’t be easy. We’re both such stupid assholes.”

He threw his head back and laughed. “Yeah, we are. That’s one reason I love you.”

I nodded as relief flooded through me. I wanted to crawl into his lap and have him kiss away the last few months, but that wouldn’t get us anywhere. Instead I squeezed the hand that held mine. “You really think we can fix us?”

His eyes burned into mine. “I think we owe it to ourselves and each other to try. It’s not gonna be easy. Shit, between our exes and kids and the Bastards, we’re gonna be on our toes constantly. We’re gonna argue, I’m going to annoy you and you’re gonna piss me off. But, I’m not gonna let you run away again, just because life gets tough. And you’re gonna tell me when I’ve got my head shoved up my ass. It’ll be one hell ofa ride, Joes, but you’re worth it. You’re my best friend, and that’s all I need to get through anything.”