Always and Forever (53 page)

“I never should have slept with anyone else. It was wrong
but I’m not the only one to blame for what happened between us. As soon as I
found out I was pregnant you changed, Jake. I just wanted someone to want me
for me. You only wanted me because of the baby.”

 I freeze, opening my eyes to face her. I can scarcely
breathe and wonder if I actually heard her correctly.

“Were… were you sleeping around whilst you were pregnant?”
I ask disbelievingly, praying that it’s not true.

When she refuses to answer me and averts her gaze to the
floor, I have my answer.

“Jake, I’m so sorry.” Her sapphire eyes are brimming with
tears, begging me to accept her apology.

I no longer feel a single ounce of sympathy for the
cold-hearted girl I once swore to stand by. All I feel for her is disgust,
revulsion and hatred.

“Tell me it’s not true.” I tell her, closing the small gap
between us, staring her down with the venomous contempt and malice I feel for
her now. 

“It’s true.” She trembles, refusing to look me in the eyes.

I can hardly bear to look at her myself; the sight of her
makes me feel
sick, sick to my fucking stomach. I exhale loudly and turn
away from her. I
need to stay calm, I need to remain in control and
think rational. I try to focus on regulating my erratic breathing, hoping it
will distract me from the overwhelming urge I have to punch something.

“Who?” I demand, my anger is so immense, I feel like a
volcano is about to erupt inside my head.

She doesn’t answer my command and this enrages me even
further. I spin around; grabbing her shoulders, directing my hate-fuelled,
unforgiving stare upon her quivering form.

“What does that matter?”

“It fucking matters!” I roar, circling her wrist and
slamming her backwards against the wall.

 I have never before in my life been so tempted to
hurt a woman. I close my eyes, desperately searching for something to quieten
the chaos going on inside my head. It doesn’t work. The thought of what she
just told me tips me over the proverbial edge. After everything that’s taken
place in the past twenty-four hours, I’m really close to losing my fucking
mind. The unwelcome, repulsive image of Sarah fucking nameless, faceless men
behind my back whilst my baby was still inside her is horrifying. Of its own
accord, my fist collides with the wall behind her. The excruciating agony is
torturous. The lacerations from last night are nowhere near healed and the
wounds tear open, another reminder of the acute pain I experienced last night.

“I don’t know how many!” She wails, covering her face with
her hands.

“You don’t know? How can you not know how many dicks you
had inside you?!” I growl menacingly, looming over her cowering frame, our
faces just centimetres apart.

“I wasn’t happy, Jake. I didn’t want to have a baby, I only
wanted you! I’m not stupid; I knew how you felt about me. You were only with me
because of the baby; do you know how that made me feel? I felt unwanted; I
didn’t have your love or your attention. I found it elsewhere and that was
wrong but can you really blame me?”

“I can’t believe this, it can’t be true.” I groan, raking
my fingers over my face.

 I feel like I’m trapped in one twisted, sociopathic nightmare,
one which I would give anything to wake up from. My breathing is ragged, my
heart is pounding and my stomach is churning. I’m repulsed by her confession;
it feels like a knife has been plunged into my heart. It’s not the fact that
she cheated on me, it’s about her being pregnant whilst she did it. I thought
it was bad enough her sleeping with someone else so soon after she lost the
baby. Now I find out she was at it the whole time, subjecting herself and
degrading my child in the process.

“I’m not proud of what I did but you’re hardly blameless in
this, Jake. You wouldn’t come near me; you were so scared of hurting your
precious baby! I just wanted things to go back to how they used to be.”

“So it’s my fault?” I ask, my voice dripping with sarcasm.

“No! I’m just saying that there were reasons why I did it.”

“I was treating you with respect! I was being careful with
you because you were pregnant and that somehow makes me a bastard?” I yell,
causing her to shrink away from me.

“I’m not saying that but you didn’t want me, did you?” She
accuses me, shoving her finger in my chest.

“I don’t believe this. That was my baby, Sarah. My fucking
baby and you didn’t even care. Why did you do it? What did I do that was so
terrible?” I glare at her, hoping to transfer some of the affliction and misery
that I feel onto her.

“I’m sorry.” She mutters feebly, hanging her head.

 A horrifying thought suddenly occurs to me, it causes
an effusion of rage to flare up inside me.

“Is that what caused you to miscarry?” I ask, barely
capable of uttering the words. It’s unthinkable.

“No, of course it wasn’t.” She shakes her head vehemently,
forcing her brimming eyes to release their tears.

“You don’t fucking know that!”

“Jake, please don’t say that.” She begs me.

“That baby’s blood is on your hands.” I say darkly,
inhaling sharply before I turn away from her.

I ignore her hysterical pleading, slamming her front door
behind me as I walk away, leaving the darkness and into the light.

Sarah

I race over to the window and watch him leave. He slams my
door on his way out and doesn’t look back. I realise in dismay that this is it.
It’s all over. He’s finally walked away from me. I fall to my knees and the
sobbing starts. I’m gasping for air and I no longer have the strength to stand.
I used to think that I didn’t need anybody; I put myself first and never
concerned myself with anyone else and then I met Jake.

 I crave the feeling of his arms around me; I used to
feel so safe. I can’t help but wonder if he holds like he used to hold me. Does
he make it his priority to make her feel safe? I shake my head, trying to rid
myself of the thoughts that are going to make me go crazy. I can’t think about
the two of them together. It will destroy me.

I really didn’t expect to meet her last night. For weeks
I’ve been torturing myself trying to find out who she is. Jake refused to tell
me anything and I had no idea who he was seeing. The only reason I went to
Jake’s house last night is because I was hopeful he would actually be there.
He’s
all I can think about; even when I’m asleep he still manages to
invade my dreams, he’s on my mind twenty four hours a day and I can’t do a
thing about it. I never realised how lucky I was, I took him for granted and
now I want him back.

 Jake was the perfect boyfriend; he’s thoughtful,
kind, protective, loyal and absolutely gorgeous. He’s the type of gorgeous that
makes you stop and stare, wishing he would just glance at you and give you a
second look. I’m not stupid; I know how hard it is to find a guy like that. I
had Jake and I lost him, that’s how badly I screwed things up. I remember how
terrified I used to be when we when we were together, the idea of him leaving
me filled me with dread. I would wake up in the middle of the night in a blind
panic, fearful of the day he would tell me he didn’t want to be with me
anymore.

I knew his interest in me was dwindling and I also knew I
had to do something about it before it was too late. Jake and I used to be so
great together, the chemistry between us was indescribable and no man has ever
been able to make me feel so alive. I’d be marked by his fingerprints for days
after we had sex; things were always so passionate between us.

Maybe I’m a masochist because I used to get a real kick out
of seeing the bruises Jake had left on my body after he fucked me. I got a
perverse satisfaction out of knowing I was the envy of every girl I knew. Every
single one of them would give their right arm to be with Jake. It was so
entertaining for me to witness the jealousy on their faces whenever I would
drag Jake upstairs to one of the bedrooms at a lame house party. I wanted the
whole world to know that he was mine and it was such a huge turn on for me to
know every single bitch glowering at me was wishing she was in my shoes.

Jake would still be mine if it weren’t for that
boyfriend-stealing little bitch I confronted last night. Jake and I were
incredible together and we still could be if it weren’t for her. I refuse to
believe that we’re over. He’ll get bored of her eventually and come straight
back to me, he just has to. What the hell does she have that I haven’t? I
remember how innocent and immature I thought she looked when I first approached
her, it infuriated me to see how oblivious she was to who I am. For weeks I’ve
been in a constant state of torment over this girl and the fact that she had no
fucking idea who I was made my blood boil.

I could handle Jake sleeping around with lots of women, I
could handle him using someone for sex but I can’t deal with him falling in
love. I just can’t. I curl my fists, digging my fingernails into the palms of
my hands, wanting to experience a physical pain rather than the emotional
turmoil I’m going through. I’ve never hated anybody as much as I despise that
girl. She’s taken everything from me and I won’t rest until I make her feel her
hurt the way I am now.

I’d heard there was going to be a party at Jake’s house and
I couldn’t resist. I had to go. I had to see him and nothing was going to stop
me. The last time I had seen Jake he told me to stay away from him but the
temptation was too strong, I couldn’t deny the yearning I had to see him again
and I was determined it was going to happen.

I was so incredibly nervous the whole time I was there. There
was no sign of Jake but I knew he would eventually make an appearance; he
usually turns up if things start to get out of hand. The party seemed pretty
mellow so I was starting to worry in case he wasn’t going to show up at all. I
was growing impatient, wondering where he was and if he was with her. I
instinctively knew that he was and this angered me even further. I decided to
drown my sorrows and get drunk instead, hoping it would numb the pain and the
rejection I felt from being ignored by him for so long.

Jake has distanced himself from everybody we used to know
and associate with and I knew a lot of people were pissed by his recent
rejection of us all. I was sitting on the wall in the back garden all by myself,
contemplating what my next move should be when my friend Natalie hurried over
to me. She told me she had seen Jake outside talking with a girl she didn’t
recognise and I knew it had to be
her
. The girl who had been tormenting
me for weeks was right outside and I knew that nothing was going to stop me
from confronting her. I wanted to see the girl I was in competition with, I
wanted to see what she had that I didn’t.

I waited outside until Jake entered the house, he went
straight up the stairs (probably to check on the whereabouts of his sisters)
and as soon as I saw he was alone, I slipped out the front door. I asked my
friend Natalie to come with me; we aren’t that close anymore but I felt like I
needed some moral support. I also wanted to intimidate and frighten the
mysterious girl I was about to challenge and I knew Natalie would back me up.

We made our way outside, searching for the girl Jake
foolishly left alone out here. I had no idea what she looked like and my eyes
searched the crowd, thinking my intuition would somehow let me know who she was
as soon as I set eyes on her. I have to admit I was shocked by her appearance
when Natalie pointed me out to her. She’s just so… plain. Her clothes were
unspectacular and boring, she was devoid of any make-up and if I’m being
honest, she’s nothing like I imagined. I’ve known Jake for a long time and he’s
never bothered himself with girls like her before. She didn’t have a glamorous
bone in her body and I struggled to see what the hell Jake sees in her.

I suppose it didn’t take me too long to realise that there
was something about her. She’s not what you would call a conventional beauty
but she did have this indescribable aura of purity about her. I suppose some
guys are into the whole virgin thing and in a way that made her more of a
threat to me than I first thought.

I knew it would only be a matter of time before Jake came
back outside to check on her so I knew my destruction of her would have to be
brutal and quick. I taunted her by revealing all the gory details of my
relationship with Jake; it was strangely satisfying to see the look of horror
on her face when she found out about my pregnancy. I wasn’t sure if Jake had
filled her in on our sordid past but I was thrilled to find out he hadn’t, he’s
been keeping her in the dark with regards to his old life and the part I played
in it.

 When I made the assumption about her being a virgin
before Jake it was complete speculation. I was really hoping it wasn’t true but
as soon as I saw the humiliation on her face I knew it was true. It felt I’d
been punched in the stomach, the knowledge that Jake had taken a girl’s
virginity was devastating for me and the jealousy coursing through my veins was
indescribable. It was in that moment I decided to destroy her and every little
ideology she had in her head about her and Jake. I was going to annihilate her
and cause her to suffer unbearably.

To accomplish this I knew I had to tell her everything. I
told her about the miscarriage and I also lied that I had known about her all
along. I said Jake simply wanted the experience of being with a virgin and
that’s why he chose her. I wasn’t sure if she would believe me but I was quick
to spot the small flicker of doubt in her eyes and this encouraged me to
embellish my story even further. She had no idea who to believe and I used her
weakness to my own advantage.

I’m abruptly brought back to the present by the sound of a
car alarm going off outside. I struggle to pull myself up from the floor,
making my way into the kitchen to pour myself a glass of water, even though I
could really do with something stronger right now. I force myself to drink it,
determined to get a grip and take control of my behaviour. This isn’t like me.
I’m stronger than this and nothing will be solved if I carry on like this. I
wipe away my tears, disgusted with myself for allowing them to fall in the
first place. Crying is the greatest sign of weakness and I chastise myself for
not following my own rule about showing my vulnerability.

I clench my fists in anger, remembering the expression on
her face when I guessed that Jake had been her first. Her embarrassment and
shame only confirmed my worst fears and now I have to deal with the fact that
I’m all alone. The only person I care about in the whole world has been stolen
from me but there’s nothing I won’t do to win him back.

Jake was the one who took my own virginity several years
ago and it’s always been something I’ve held dear and cherished. It was a
life-changing moment for me because I was already head over heels in love with
Jake and I know it wasn’t a decision he made lightly. Jake’s a good guy and he
would never have sex with a girl if he thought that it would somehow screw with
her head or leave her feeling hurt. He’s considerate and has always made his
feelings known before venturing into any sort of sexual relationship with
anyone.

I’ve always had a thing for Jake. We’ve been friends since
we were kids but I always knew he never saw me as anything more than that. For
as long as I can remember Jake has been open and upfront about his promiscuity
and his unwillingness to commit to anyone. It killed me having to watch him go
with so many women, his meaningless encounters all blur into one and I’ve
actually lost track of the amount of his sexual conquests.

I used to look away whenever I saw him with another girl;
the need to scratch her eyes out was so strong. I knew I’d never get Jake by
throwing myself at him, I had to be patient. I decided long ago that I would
play the long game and wait for him to notice me. I fought the internal
struggle going on inside of me for years, knowing that if I wanted to win the
ultimate prize, I had to be forbearing.  

My extraordinary restraint finally paid off the night
before my sixteenth birthday. A large group of us were at a party and Jake was
drunk and this in itself was surprising because Jake rarely drinks. That night
I purposefully decided to stay sober, I’d strategically been planning my
seduction of Jake for years and it was on this particular night I decided it
was time to make my move. I wanted him and nothing was going to stand in my
way.

 It was just the two of us outside in the back garden
and Jake was confiding in me about his dad. It proved how wasted he really was
because Jake never talks about his dad or his family life whatsoever. He told
me how much he hated him and how he determined he was that he would never turn
out like him. I was being sympathetic, listening to him vent about his father
when I started to move closer towards him. I gently began to trace my
fingernails down his arm until my hand settled on his. Deciding to be bold, I
interlaced our fingers together, amazed that he was letting me touch him whilst
pouring his heart out to me. My own heart was beating so fast, I’d been waiting
for this moment for years and it was finally about to happen.

My plan was almost ruined when Jake started to get angry,
he was all reflective and contemplative about his past, remembering all of the
times his dad had let him down and I was really taken aback because I’d never
expected to see such raw emotion from Jake. He’s always kept himself to
himself, reluctant to share anything with anyone.

When I thought my sensitivity wasn’t going to keep his
attention for much longer, I decided to kiss him. My lips pressed against his,
waiting for the moment he would kiss me back. I was extremely relieved when I
only had to wait a few seconds. His hand went behind my neck, tugging me
towards him and deepening our kiss. It was desperate, forceful, hungry and
passionate. His tongue invaded my mouth and I willingly parted my lips for him.

Before I knew what was happening, he took me by the hand
and was pulling me through the back door of the house and into the party. He
ignored everyone as we made our way through the throngs of people inside; he
practically dragged me up the stairs in his haste to make it to one of the
bedrooms. We found an empty room and he shoved me inside, locking the door
behind us.

“What time is it?” He asked, tearing his mouth away from my
neck.