Always and Forever (56 page)

I slowly make my way around the back of counter, standing
directly in front of the cash register. I stare down at it for a long time,
asking myself I can actually do this? Am I really going steal money from my own
father? I contemplate the severe consequences of what I’m about to do, if my
father ever finds out about this he’ll kill me. There’s no doubt about it.

 I hold my head in my hands, considering the
alternative. What other choice do I have? I don’t have any money of my own and
I’m not willing to discuss this with Jake until I know for certain. I need the
money to buy a pregnancy test. I have to know. I can always ask Jake to replace
the money for me later and that way my father won’t ever know it was taken.

 I reach for the money before I can stop myself,
snatching twenty pounds from the till and slamming it shut again. The
palpitations in my chest are intense; my legs are unstable and tremble. My
whole body is unsteady and quivering with terror. I try to even out my
breathing, telling myself that the hard part is over now I’ve got the money. I
know I’m kidding myself; the hardest part will be buying the test and finding
out the truth.

I clumsily lock up the bookstore, dropping the key several
times during my speedy exit. I head down the road towards the local pharmacy,
hoping I won’t be faced with a long queue and a busy store. I’m self-conscious
enough as it is; I don’t want anyone to see what I’m about to purchase.

When I enter the small pharmacy I’m actually amazed by the
variety of pregnancy tests on offer. The store is pretty quiet and the two
assistants don’t pay me much attention as they carry on with their conversation
behind the counter. I search the shelves for the simplest test, knowing I won’t
be able to come back at a later stage to get another.  I reach for the
simplest one I can find, its expensive but it says that the result will appear
as ‘pregnant’ or ‘not pregnant.’ Surely even I won’t be able to get that wrong.

I can feel my face turning bright red as I make my way over
to the two employees near the cash register. One of them gives me a friendly
smile, taking the test from me without a second glance. As soon as she hands me
the small carrier bag with it inside, I bolt for the door and don’t look back.

I can’t risk taking the test at home; I can only imagine
what my mum would say if she found the empty package in the bin. I make my way
over to gran’s house, my one and only place of safety and refuge. This house
has always been my one true haven and I think it always will be. I rely on the
use of her spare door key again and take a glance behind me before entering the
house. I still have that strange perception that I’m being observed, it’s
completely unfounded and once again put it down to the way I’m feeling and
being overly suspicious.

I read through the instructions several times once I’m in
the bathroom. It’s important I don’t make any mistakes and it’s not like I have
any experience with taking one of these things. I remove the plastic cap and
sigh resignedly… it’s now or never.

It says I have to leave the test for five minutes. I won’t
be able to resist looking at it before then so I force myself to leave the
bathroom. I wearily sit down on the bed in my small bedroom, the same place I
brought Jake that night when I asked him to make love to me for the first time,
the place where all of this might have started. I close my eyes and inhale
deeply, I might not have anything to worry about; this could easily be a false
alarm and I can forget all about it as soon as I see the negative result.

The minutes I have to wait feel like hours, I glance at the
clock hanging on the wall in my room, my time is up. I reluctantly stand and
make my way back into the bathroom. The test is exactly where I left it,
innocuously waiting for me to find out my fate. I close my eyes, making a
silent prayer that all of this will go away as soon as I see the result.

I glance down at the result; my left hand curls itself into
a fist, digging my fingernails into my palm. My right hand holding the test
starts to tremble. I blink a few times, trying to clear my vision. Blinking
rapidly doesn’t help and neither does it change things. I fall to my knees, my
fingers lose their grip on the test and it falls to the floor. I’m unable to
stop myself from crumbling alongside it. I’m on my knees, sobbing violently.
Never in my entire life have I felt so helpless, despite my state of
vulnerability and shock, I summon every ounce of strength left inside of me and
pick up the fallen pregnancy test. I stare at it again, no longer able to deny
what it says. It’s staring right back at me, unapologetic and unashamed about
its life-changing revelation.

The word is indisputable and it’s beyond doubt.

I’m pregnant.

I can’t tear my eyes away; all I can do is gaze in
disbelief at the positive result before me. The tears I tried to fight will no
longer wait; they fall helplessly down my face, relentless and persistent in
their journey.

I don’t know how long I stay there for, a despondent heap
on the bathroom floor. It’s as though I’m completely disconnected from my
surroundings and all I can do is stare lifelessly into space. I want to be
unfeeling; I don’t want to face the reality of my situation. I’d rather stay
numb like this than respond to the shocking disclosure that test brought me.

I rake my fingers through my hair, clutching the side of
the bath and pulling myself to my feet. My legs feel like jelly, I’m unbalanced
and shaky. I have no idea how I’m going to be able to make it home. I must be
in shock because my body feels completely different. I feel detached from my
surroundings and entirely separate from the environment around me.

 I notice the discarded packaging on the floor and
remember there were two tests in the box. I immediately decide to take the
second test, convincing myself that the first one could have been faulty and it
might have just been a fluke. I know I’m being ridiculous, clinging to the idea
that I bought a dodgy pregnancy test instead of admitting the truth. I don’t
care; I’ll believe anything right now, anything except the frightening and
bleak actuality of my circumstances.

I don’t know how I manage to take the second pregnancy
test; my hands are shaking so badly. I have to wait another five minutes for
the result and I spend every single one of them desperately anticipating a
different outcome.

Of course the result is the same. That’s two tests
confirming the fact that I’m pregnant. I throw the second one against the wall,
wanting to destroy the wretched thing for changing my life so irrevocably. My
stomach is churning, if I had eaten anything this morning I’m certain I would
have vomited it all up again.

I’ve only been at gran’s house for about an hour but it
feels like years. Realising I have to get rid of the incriminating evidence
before I leave, I shove the tests in the bottom drawer in my bedroom. I could
throw them away but if I do gran will only find them when she gets back from
her holiday. I’m also sure I’ll need to look at them again later on otherwise
I’ll persuade myself none of this actually happened. I’ll need proof.

My journey home is one confusing, distorted blur. All I can
think about is how stupid I’ve been. Jake warned me about this, he told me
after our first time together that there was a chance I could be pregnant and I
just laughed at him. I thought he was being over-cautious and worrying about
nothing. Now I realise what a fool I’ve been. Jake knew how easy it would be to
make that one mistake, he knew that one error in judgement can change the rest
of your life and I dismissed him. Why didn’t I listen?

I manage to make it to my bedroom without too much of an
interrogation from mum. It’s obvious she’s concerned about me but I can’t deal
with the guilt of deceiving her that right now. I collapse onto my bed, utterly
exhausted. Crazy thoughts are racing through my head and I no longer have the
strength to try and control them. I think about Jake and what this news will do
to him. Will he be angry with me? Will he think I’m exactly like Sarah? Will he
think I’ve done this on purpose to trap him like she did? I won’t be able to
bear it if Jake starts to doubt me.

I’ve never really thought about children, I never thought
it would even be possible for me to meet anyone let alone have a baby. I’ve
only known Jake for eight weeks and I’m terrified wondering what his reaction
will be. I know he was willing to stand by Sarah; he wanted their baby but I
can’t help asking myself if he will want ours. What if it’s just a painful
reminder of what happened before, he might resent me for doing this to him
again and tell me it’s not what he wants.

Later that night I’m still so desperate to quieten the
overpowering thoughts in my head. I reach for my iPod, needing the release of
music to quieten the tremendous amount of anxiety which threatens to explode in
my head any second. I know the song I need to hear, I search frantically before
stabbing my finger against the play button. I exhale slowly as soon as I hear
the beginning of Rihanna’s ‘Love Without Tragedy/Mother Mary’ start to play
through my earphones. I turn up the volume, wanting to drown out the
uncontrollable fear that’s gradually taking over my sanity.

I’ve been up here for hours, refusing to join mum for
dinner or eat anything all day. I’ve completely ignored my phone which has been
bombarded with missed phone calls and texts, all of them from Jake. I’m
supposed to meet him in a couple of hours and I’ve seriously considered
cancelling on him, it’s a really tempting thought but the idea of staying up
here in my room all night isn’t that appealing either.

 I know I’ll have to deal with this sooner or later
and I don’t want to lie to Jake and cause him to worry about me. He needs to
know the truth and I’ve got to tell him.

It’s now or never.

 “Mum, I’m going over to Amy’s for a little bit but I
won’t be home late.” I tell her, avoiding eye contact as I put on my jacket and
my shoes.

“You’re feeling better then? This morning you said you were
unwell.”

“Yeah, I’m much better now.” I lie. “I think the walk
helped from this morning.”

She looks doubtful but goes along with what I say, allowing
me to make a quick exit.

As soon as I’m out the house I take my phone out my pocket and
read through all the messages Jake sent me earlier today. His texts vary from
making sure I’m ok to asking why I haven’t responded to him. There are ten
missed calls and four voicemails. Yikes, I’m going to have a lot of explaining
to do. Jake and I had already arranged to meet at gran’s house tonight at
seven, I quickly send him a text apologising for my silence today and to tell
him I’m on my way.

I notice Jake once I round the final corner onto my gran’s
road. He’s sitting on the bottom step leading up to the front door waiting for
me. The image of sat there is enough to stop me in my tracks; I want to lose
myself in the visual wonder that is Jake. The sight of him is beyond anything I
could ever imagine I never knew it was possible to love someone so much. What
I’m about to tell him makes my heart ache with sadness.

I hesitantly make my way over towards him, hating every
single step. Each one brings me even closer to revealing something that will
change our lives forever. Jake only notices my presence once I’m stood right in
front of him; he was so engrossed in the phone in his hand.

“Hi.” I say quietly.

He jumps up to greet me, wrapping his arms around my waist.
I give him a weak smile, the only type I can seem to manage at the moment. I’ve
always loved the way Jake eyes light up whenever he sees me. It’s a magical
feeling and I don’t think anything will be able to replace the joy it brings
me.

“There’s my girl.” He whispers, tugging my body tightly
against his.

“How are you?” I say, sounding formal.

 Damn it, I already sound nervous, he’s going to be
able to tell that something’s wrong.

“Are you ok? What’s wrong?” He asks, a concerned frown
instantly takes the place of the carefree expression he wore on his face just a
moments ago.

“I’m fine.” I lie, hoping my grimace of a smile is enough
to convince him.

“I don’t believe you. You’re lying to me.” He says firmly,
holding me at arms length.

I avert my gaze, unable to face him. A huge part of me just
wants to give in to this, my mind and body feel overloaded; I can’t deal with
this alone. I need Jake and he’s the only one I can tell. I need him to be
strong one out of the two of us, I want him to make everything better but how
do I even begin to tell him? I’m about to change his life forever and I’m terrified
he’ll resent me for it.

“I’m just not feeling well; I’ve been feeling off colour
all day.” I mumble, telling him a partial truth.

“I’m sorry, baby. You should have told me, I wouldn’t have
wanted you to come out if I knew you were sick.”

I close my eyes, burying my face against his chest as he
embraces me. Jake always smells incredible; his scent is so alluring to me. It
arouses my body but comforts me at the same time. It’s reassuring and safe,
just like Jake.

“I wanted to see you.” I say softly.

“Bethany, you’re trembling, let’s get you inside.” He says
firmly, pulling away from me.

I tell him where the door key is hidden in the back garden
and he quickly makes his way around the side of the house to get it.

“Found it?” I ask when he returns.

“Yeah, I got it.”

I nod my head, folding my arms to keep myself warm. Jake
looks at me quizzically, uncertainty and suspicion causing his frown to deepen.
He knows. He knows something is wrong, he can sense it. He doesn’t say anything
as we step inside the house; the silence between us is fraught to say the
least.

“So, how was your day?” I enquire, hoping to sound natural
and at ease.

“Ok, what is it?” He asks, tossing the spare key down on
the hallway table by the door.

I resign myself to the fact I have to come clean. He knows
something’s bothering me and it’s not fair of me to lie to him.

“I have to tell you something.” I admit, swallowing
nervously.

“Ok…” His voice is full of curiosity and trepidation.

“Its not good news, Jake.” I mumble, wringing my hands
together.

 “Is it your dad? Has he come home?”

I watch his solid chest and broad shoulders rise and fall
with each breath. I glance down and notice his large fists are clenched.

“No, it’s nothing to do with him, he’s still away.”

Jake’s entire demeanour changes and I force myself to look
away from his angry brown eyes, unable to cope with such a penetrating glare
directed at me.

“Bethany, you can’t lie to me. You have to tell me if he’s
done anything to hurt you. No matter what it is, no matter what he’s done or
how awful it is. You can tell me, you know you can tell me anything.” He tells
me.

On the one hand I want to dispel his worries and concerns
but the logical part of my brain knows I can’t just blurt it out to him; this
type of news has to be broken gently.

“I’m not lying, my father’s still away.”

“Ok, so what’s wrong?” He persists.

“Jake, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Be
patient with me, I need to find the right words to explain this to you.”

“Go on.” He says harshly, taking a step back from me.

What happened? Why does he want to be far away from me all
of a sudden?

“First of all I need you to know that I didn’t mean for
this to happen. You have to believe me when I say that, Jake. This wasn’t part
of my plan and I don’t want to hurt you…”

 I glance up at Jake, the stony expression on his face
is so hard to read, he’s glowering at me and I don’t understand why his rage is
now focused on me. What does he think I’m about to tell him?

“I
said
go on.” He orders me.

His jaw is clenched and his voice sounds deceptively calm,
it’s like he’s preparing himself for the worst and his eyes are stormy with
pent up frustration and fury.

“You’re not exactly making this easy for me. I’m trying to
tell you but you’re being really hostile towards me.” I argue, raking my
fingers through my hair.

He’s not even trying to be sympathetic and the more
demanding he is of me the more I want to clam up and avoid the whole situation
altogether. Deciding I need a breather, I push him out of the way and head into
the living room. He grabs my wrist, spinning me around to face him. I scowl at
him and wait for him to relinquish his hold on me but his grip tightens around
my wrist, securing his grasp.

“It’s Callum, isn’t it?” He growls menacingly, his eyes are
simmering with contempt; ablaze with an unjustifiable fury towards me.

I try to step away from him but his left hand grabs my
other wrist, preventing me from putting any distance between us.

“What are you talking about? Callum has nothing to do with
this.”

“Don’t you dare say his name. I don’t want to hear you
speak his name. Ever.” He warns me disdainfully.