Read Always and Forever Online
Authors: Lauren Crossley
Always and Forever (25 page)
“That’s right. Your gran was just curious to
find out all about your new boyfriend.” Jake informs me.
I frown at him, certain that I’m missing
something but when he finally turns to face me his expression has changed to
one of reassurance and I choose to forget the peculiar moment when I first
walked in. The fact that Jake called himself my boyfriend is incredible, it’s
left me feeling a little speechless. I know that we discussed it outside but to
actually hear him refer to himself like that. It’s mind-blowing.
“I like him, Bethany. He’s special and he cares
or you more than anything. I know that he will keep you safe.” Gran says to me
as we’re leaving.
Jake has already said goodbye and thanked her
for inviting him over tonight and now he’s patiently waiting for me at the end
of the driveway to I can have a few moments alone with gran.
“Thank you for being so accepting of him. You
have no idea how much it means to me that the two of you like each other.”
She nods her head in acknowledgement but her
gaze is focused elsewhere, when I turn around I notice her and Jake are staring
at one another, a look of understanding passes between them and I find myself
wondering what was said when I was out of the room.
find out all about your new boyfriend.” Jake informs me.
I frown at him, certain that I’m missing
something but when he finally turns to face me his expression has changed to
one of reassurance and I choose to forget the peculiar moment when I first
walked in. The fact that Jake called himself my boyfriend is incredible, it’s
left me feeling a little speechless. I know that we discussed it outside but to
actually hear him refer to himself like that. It’s mind-blowing.
“I like him, Bethany. He’s special and he cares
or you more than anything. I know that he will keep you safe.” Gran says to me
as we’re leaving.
Jake has already said goodbye and thanked her
for inviting him over tonight and now he’s patiently waiting for me at the end
of the driveway to I can have a few moments alone with gran.
“Thank you for being so accepting of him. You
have no idea how much it means to me that the two of you like each other.”
She nods her head in acknowledgement but her
gaze is focused elsewhere, when I turn around I notice her and Jake are staring
at one another, a look of understanding passes between them and I find myself
wondering what was said when I was out of the room.
Jake has been really quiet since we left
gran’s. He’s barely said one word to me; he’s so preoccupied with his thoughts.
We’ve almost reached the spot where we arrange to meet, which also means that
it’s the place we part ways.
“Let me walk you home, Bethany, I don’t mind.”
He comes up behind me, forming a circle around
my waist and pulls me towards him so that my back rests against his chest. He
nuzzles against me, trying to elicit a moan from me or an indication of my
submission. There’s nothing I want more than to spend a few extra minutes with
Jake but I know that it’s impossible to risk him coming anywhere near my house.
“It’s too risky, Jake. My father could arrive
home at any moment and we can’t chance him seeing you anywhere near.” I say,
turning around to face him.
gran’s. He’s barely said one word to me; he’s so preoccupied with his thoughts.
We’ve almost reached the spot where we arrange to meet, which also means that
it’s the place we part ways.
“Let me walk you home, Bethany, I don’t mind.”
He comes up behind me, forming a circle around
my waist and pulls me towards him so that my back rests against his chest. He
nuzzles against me, trying to elicit a moan from me or an indication of my
submission. There’s nothing I want more than to spend a few extra minutes with
Jake but I know that it’s impossible to risk him coming anywhere near my house.
“It’s too risky, Jake. My father could arrive
home at any moment and we can’t chance him seeing you anywhere near.” I say,
turning around to face him.
Jake’s jaw tightens at the mention of my
father and his arms squeeze my waist protectively, it’s as though he can’t
bring himself to let me go and I have to admit, there’s a part of me that
doesn’t want him to.
“He’s going to have to find out about us some
time, Bethany. If you’re serious about being with me then he’s going to have to
know about us.”
“I’m just not ready to tell my father about us,
I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready. You don’t know him or what he’s capable
of.”
“You’re right. I don’t know him and I don’t
want to,
all I want is you. I can’t stop thinking about you; you’re in
my head twenty-four hours a day.”
“Really?” I ask, feeling incredibly flattered.
“Really.” He replies confidently, placing a
delicate kiss on my temple.
“I have no idea why.” I tell him truthfully.
“I could think of a thousand reasons. I’ve
never wanted anybody as much as I want you.”
I pause for a moment, wondering if I’m brave
enough to ask him my next question. It’s something I’ve been dying to know but
up until now I’ve been unable to find the courage to ask him.
“Who was your first, Jake?”
He freezes and breaks away from me, I want to
take my question back but it’s already been spoken. Sooner or later I’m going
to have to hear this. I desperately want Jake to be my first but I’m not
foolish enough to believe that I’ll be his. I wait for him to give me an answer
but he stays silent, causing me to experience envy like I’ve never known. Maybe
she was special; she might have been his first love, someone who he’s never
managed to get over. The thought of this makes feel nauseas; I can’t bear the
idea of Jake being in love before. It would break my heart.
I look up at him in question but he won’t
reciprocate. His eyes stare straight ahead of me, refusing to meet with my own.
father and his arms squeeze my waist protectively, it’s as though he can’t
bring himself to let me go and I have to admit, there’s a part of me that
doesn’t want him to.
“He’s going to have to find out about us some
time, Bethany. If you’re serious about being with me then he’s going to have to
know about us.”
“I’m just not ready to tell my father about us,
I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready. You don’t know him or what he’s capable
of.”
“You’re right. I don’t know him and I don’t
want to,
all I want is you. I can’t stop thinking about you; you’re in
my head twenty-four hours a day.”
“Really?” I ask, feeling incredibly flattered.
“Really.” He replies confidently, placing a
delicate kiss on my temple.
“I have no idea why.” I tell him truthfully.
“I could think of a thousand reasons. I’ve
never wanted anybody as much as I want you.”
I pause for a moment, wondering if I’m brave
enough to ask him my next question. It’s something I’ve been dying to know but
up until now I’ve been unable to find the courage to ask him.
“Who was your first, Jake?”
He freezes and breaks away from me, I want to
take my question back but it’s already been spoken. Sooner or later I’m going
to have to hear this. I desperately want Jake to be my first but I’m not
foolish enough to believe that I’ll be his. I wait for him to give me an answer
but he stays silent, causing me to experience envy like I’ve never known. Maybe
she was special; she might have been his first love, someone who he’s never
managed to get over. The thought of this makes feel nauseas; I can’t bear the
idea of Jake being in love before. It would break my heart.
I look up at him in question but he won’t
reciprocate. His eyes stare straight ahead of me, refusing to meet with my own.
“I don’t see how that matters? Nothing matters
apart from you and how you make me feel.”
“It’s important to me. Wouldn’t you want to
know if it were the other way around?”
He sighs in frustration when he realises I’m
not going to drop this.
“Of course I would want to know! Just the
thought of you with someone else makes me feel like I could go crazy and it didn’t
even happen. My past isn’t important to me, Bethany. I don’t want it to come
between us. I’m not going to pressure you into anything; we haven’t even talked
about the idea of us having sex, that’s not what this is about for me. All that
matters to me is you.”
“Jake, you told me earlier tonight that you
want to make us official. If you meant that then we need to have this
conversation, it’s a normal discussion that you’re expected to have when you
enter into a new relationship, right?”
He sighs in defeat, slowly nodding his head in
agreement. He anxiously drags his fingers through his hair and glances at me in
apprehension.
“I just don’t want my past or anything I did
before we met to affect us because that’s not who I am anymore. I think I was
pretending to be somebody I wasn’t. This is the real me, the person I am with
you.”
“Ok…” I say doubtfully.
“I was thirteen the first time I had sex. The
girl doesn’t matter, she wasn’t important.” He looks so ashamed of himself; he
can’t even bring himself to look at me.
I can’t believe what I just heard. He was
thirteen years old the first time he had sex? The knowledge of such a thing
makes me feel sick, what the hell was I thinking? I shouldn’t have asked him
such a thing in the first place. I brought this on myself; I wish I’d never
demanded the truth from him.
“You were thirteen?” I whisper in disbelief.
“Yes… but that isn’t important, not now. You’re
the only person I care about, Bethany. I didn’t want to tell you because I knew
it would change the way you feel about me and I can’t allow that to happen. I
need you to trust me when I say that I’m not proud of anything I did before I
met you. You’re my future and you make me want to be someone who’s better, you
make me want to be worthy of you. I can’t stand to see you looking at me like
you are right now. You look horrified and disgusted with me.” He drops his
head, looking broken-hearted and dejected.
apart from you and how you make me feel.”
“It’s important to me. Wouldn’t you want to
know if it were the other way around?”
He sighs in frustration when he realises I’m
not going to drop this.
“Of course I would want to know! Just the
thought of you with someone else makes me feel like I could go crazy and it didn’t
even happen. My past isn’t important to me, Bethany. I don’t want it to come
between us. I’m not going to pressure you into anything; we haven’t even talked
about the idea of us having sex, that’s not what this is about for me. All that
matters to me is you.”
“Jake, you told me earlier tonight that you
want to make us official. If you meant that then we need to have this
conversation, it’s a normal discussion that you’re expected to have when you
enter into a new relationship, right?”
He sighs in defeat, slowly nodding his head in
agreement. He anxiously drags his fingers through his hair and glances at me in
apprehension.
“I just don’t want my past or anything I did
before we met to affect us because that’s not who I am anymore. I think I was
pretending to be somebody I wasn’t. This is the real me, the person I am with
you.”
“Ok…” I say doubtfully.
“I was thirteen the first time I had sex. The
girl doesn’t matter, she wasn’t important.” He looks so ashamed of himself; he
can’t even bring himself to look at me.
I can’t believe what I just heard. He was
thirteen years old the first time he had sex? The knowledge of such a thing
makes me feel sick, what the hell was I thinking? I shouldn’t have asked him
such a thing in the first place. I brought this on myself; I wish I’d never
demanded the truth from him.
“You were thirteen?” I whisper in disbelief.
“Yes… but that isn’t important, not now. You’re
the only person I care about, Bethany. I didn’t want to tell you because I knew
it would change the way you feel about me and I can’t allow that to happen. I
need you to trust me when I say that I’m not proud of anything I did before I
met you. You’re my future and you make me want to be someone who’s better, you
make me want to be worthy of you. I can’t stand to see you looking at me like
you are right now. You look horrified and disgusted with me.” He drops his
head, looking broken-hearted and dejected.
A part of me wants to reach out to him, wants
to provide him with some comfort but I feel as though the earth has shifted
right beneath my feet. I can hear him reasoning with me but I can’t understand
anything he’s saying.
“But you were just a child.”
“I guess that’s all I was but at the time I
didn’t see it like that. It was such a long time ago, I was young and stupid.”
“What about the girl?”
My mind starts to race with questions
about her. I actually hate her, whoever she is. I’ve never experienced anything
like this before, the jealousy coursing through my veins burns with anger.
He awkwardly shifts from one foot to the other,
not wanting to answer my question.
“She was older. She was sixteen.” He mumbles.
“Sixteen? So you were abused?” I ask him, my
voice breaking.
“I’ve never really thought of it like that
before. I’m certain that she thought I was older. I was young, irresponsible
and stupid. I’d do anything to change the past but I can’t. I wish I could and
that’s why I’m begging you… please don’t let my reckless behaviour ruin what
you and I have. Please, Bethany.”
I feel as if I’m being torn in two. Half of me
longs to reach out for him and tell him that it’s ok ad that none of it matters
to me but the truth is that it does matter. He looks so vulnerable and lost,
standing before me like a young boy who is begging for forgiveness. I take a
step closer towards him but stop myself before he’s within reach. How on earth
am I going to deal with this? I can’t believe my twisted curiosity brought me
here. I wish I didn’t know, I wish I could erase what I just heard.
“So, if you’ve been having sex since you were
thirteen, how many women have you actually slept with?”
When he starts to pace back and forth, my fear
intensifies. The idea that I’ll have to share the man I love with the thought
of so many women who came before me is enough to tear my heart in two.
“Why do you need to know all of this? I keep on
telling you that the only person I care about is you. I’ve never felt this way
about anyone before and that’s what’s important. Doesn’t that mean anything to
you?”
“How fucking many, Jake?” I even manage to
surprise myself by the swearing, I guess I’ve finally reached my breaking
point. If Jake doesn’t give me some answers soon I’m worried that I’m really
going to lose it.
“I don’t know how many, ok? I realise how
horrible that sounds and how disgusted you must be with me but the truth is
that I just don’t know for sure.”
“How many?” I scream, needing to hear him say
it.
I realise that I’m being relentless but I want
a number. I won’t rest until he tells me the truth.
“It’s. Not. Important. No one has made me feel
alive like I do when I’m with you, no one has made me want to commit to them
and no one has made me ache for them like I ache for you.”
He’s becoming angry and desperate but I find
myself getting an odd sense of satisfaction from watching him suffer. I want to
see him hurt because I'm in so much pain right now, I don't want to be alone in
that. I want Jake to feel it too.
“Do you think the fact that you can’t remember
the number of people you’ve slept with makes you sound honourable?” I shout accusingly.
He walks towards me with his hands
outstretched as though he’s trying to call a truce but I back away from him,
not wanting him to touch me.
“I know it makes me look really bad but I’ve already
told you, I’m not the same person I was back then.”
“You made love to them and you didn’t even
care. What sort of man does that make you?” Angry tears pool in my eyes as I
ask the one question that’s really troubling me. I’m so scared that I’ll be like
them. What if I sleep with Jake and he forgets all about me? My heart couldn’t
take it; he means so much to me already. He’s my everything.
“Don’t say that! I did not make love to any of
those girls, it was just sex. Meaningless, forgettable and something I truly
regret now that I’m with you. Please don’t compare what we have to any of them.
When we have sex it will be entirely different. I want to make love to you so
badly and that’s exactly what it will be, Bethany. It will be so much more than
anything I’ve experienced before because it will be with you.”
I can see that he’s in agony; he’s struggling
to make me see things from his point of view. I’m trying, I really am but all I
keep thinking about is how can he be so flippant about something so meaningful.
“How am I supposed to know that I won’t just be
another notch on your bedpost?”
“Because I’m standing here and I’m begging you
to forgive a past that I can’t change. It’s like you’re asking me to erase the
things that have happened before I met you and as much as I would like to, it’s
impossible. Bethany, I swear to you that if we were to sleep together it would
be amazing, it would be incredible because I’d be with someone I love and I’ve
never had that before.”
He looks exhausted and broken, his eyes are
glazed over with unshed tears and my throat is so sore from all of the yelling.
I wish I could stop this but I can’t, I refuse to admit defeat. I need to know
how many women he’s had sex with. I have to know.
“How do you expect me to believe anything
you say? You’re not even being honest with me right now and I’m not even sure
whether I believe you’re story about being called into work tonight either. I
feel as though you’re keeping something from me and now you won’t even tell me
how many people you’ve had sex with!”
“I was telling you the truth about tonight, I
did have to go into the bar before I came here and I really don’t know the
exact number of everyone I’ve… God, I don’t know… maybe seven or eight girls a
year since my first time. I don’t know for definite, it’s just an estimation.”
“Do you know how many people that
is? If you’re telling me the truth then that means you’ve slept with roughly
seventy people!”
“I’m so sorry, baby. If I would have known then
that there was going to be a you then I wouldn’t have gone anywhere near them.
If I had known that I was capable of experiencing something like this then I
wouldn’t have slept with anybody, I would have waited for you. All I can do now
is apologise, I hope that you can see past all of my mistakes and recognise the
person that I am underneath, the person that I am when I’m with you. Please
tell me that you still want to be with me, Bethany. I’m begging you.”
He tries to touch me but I flinch away from
him, needing some time to process everything.
“Don’t touch me.”
I speak softly but Jake staggers backwards, as
though my words have physically wounded him. I never thought that I had the
power to hurt somebody like this but that’s what I see when I look at Jake.
Deciding that I need some space and that I need
to be far away from Jake right now, I turn and walk in the opposite direction.
I know exactly where I’m heading, I have to go home. I need time to process
this and I hope he can respect that.
I’ve only taken a few steps before Jake catches
up with me.
“Bethany, you can’t do this! Don’t walk away
from me, I’m trying to explain. Not one of those girls is worth any of this,
what I felt for them doesn’t even begin to compare to how I feel for you. You
are the only girl I’ve ever chased after, you are the girl who’s ever made me
feel jealous and you’re the only girl I want to be with. I want there to be an
us, Bethany. That’s how serious I am about you!”
I almost give in when I hear the unbelievable
despair in his voice but I also realise that I need to be by myself. I’m being
irrational and to gain some perspective I have to be alone.
“Jake, leave me alone. I just need some time
right now, ok?”
“Baby, I’m so sorry. Let me make this right”
He’s pleading with me to forgive him and deliberately blocks my path by
standing right in front of me.
“Just let me leave! I need some time to think
about all of this!”
“What is there to think about? I’m
begging you, don’t leave like this. I can understand that you’re angry but I
need you to tell me that I haven’t ruined this.”
The despair in his voice tugs at my heart
strings, the pained expression on his face is tortured and I look away, unable
to witness his pain for a moment longer.
“I don’t know if you’ve ruined this, that’s
what I need to think about. I’m not going to risk my heart and my sanity by
sleeping with you for it to then mean nothing. I really don’t want to add
myself to your long lists of conquests.”
“But it wouldn’t be that way! You’re all I can
think about and I’ve never felt this way for anyone before. I can’t change my
past Bethany. I wish to God I could but if you only knew how badly I want you,
how desperately I need you. Please don’t give up on us before we’ve even
started.”
I do realise that what Jake did before he met
me should be of little consequence. It’s what he chooses to do with his future
that should be important to me but I just know that I’ll be picturing him with
someone every time I close my eyes. My mind is already forming images of Jake
with so many different women and every single one of them is far more beautiful
and experienced than I am.
“Just leave me alone! I need time to think!”
“I can’t! Don’t you understand that? I can’t
leave you alone, not now and not ever!”
We stand still and stare at one another. It’s
almost as if there are no more words to say, so much has been said already. The
damage has already been done.
It’s only when the rain starts that we
break eye contact from one another. Relentless, determined raindrops begin to
fall down on us but we remain frozen. The rain soon turns into a downpour;
rivulets of water cascade down Jake’s face, turning his hair an even darker
shade. The beauty of him is so extraordinary; I have to force myself to look
away. If I’m forced to witness his perfection for a moment longer I know I’ll
crumble.
“I don’t care, Jake, I just want to leave!” My
voice sounds so cold, completely devoid of any emotion. I know my detachment is
cruel; maybe I’m punishing Jake for things that aren’t even his fault. I have
no power at home; I’m not allowed any opinions and I have no voice. I suppose
that projecting all of my resentment onto Jake is my way of freeing myself from
all of the hurt and the anger that I’ve been carrying for so long. It’s wrong
but I just can’t seem to help myself.
“I can’t let you leave.” He says resolutely.
I sigh in exasperation. I can’t outrun
him or even get by him until he moves aside. I’m not even sure what time it is,
when we left gran’s it was a little after nine o’clock but I’ve no idea how
long we’ve been arguing for. It could have been an hour or it might have been
ten minutes.
The fact is, if I’m not back home soon then it
could easily be the end of everything going on between us. My father’s always
home late on a Friday but tonight could be the exception. He actually came home
early a few weeks ago, the week before I first met Jake. If that happens
tonight and I’m caught sneaking in the house then I will never see Jake again.
I’m furious with him and I want to be alone but I don’t want this to be the end
of us, I really don’t. If I want to see Jake again then I need to convince him
to let me to leave. I need to leave right now.
I try to get past him but he’s too quick for
me, moving to the side and preventing my escape. He grabs hold of my arm,
forcing my body to collide with his.
“Jake, let go of me. I need to get home!”
“No, this is fucking crazy. You can’t leave
like this, I won’t let you!”
“Jake, my father could be home any minute, I
need to get home before he does. We can talk about this later.”
“Fuck him! You’re not leaving until we solve
things, until we fix this.”
The torrential rain almost drowns out our
voices, forcing us to yell so we can be heard over the impending thunder storm.
to provide him with some comfort but I feel as though the earth has shifted
right beneath my feet. I can hear him reasoning with me but I can’t understand
anything he’s saying.
“But you were just a child.”
“I guess that’s all I was but at the time I
didn’t see it like that. It was such a long time ago, I was young and stupid.”
“What about the girl?”
My mind starts to race with questions
about her. I actually hate her, whoever she is. I’ve never experienced anything
like this before, the jealousy coursing through my veins burns with anger.
He awkwardly shifts from one foot to the other,
not wanting to answer my question.
“She was older. She was sixteen.” He mumbles.
“Sixteen? So you were abused?” I ask him, my
voice breaking.
“I’ve never really thought of it like that
before. I’m certain that she thought I was older. I was young, irresponsible
and stupid. I’d do anything to change the past but I can’t. I wish I could and
that’s why I’m begging you… please don’t let my reckless behaviour ruin what
you and I have. Please, Bethany.”
I feel as if I’m being torn in two. Half of me
longs to reach out for him and tell him that it’s ok ad that none of it matters
to me but the truth is that it does matter. He looks so vulnerable and lost,
standing before me like a young boy who is begging for forgiveness. I take a
step closer towards him but stop myself before he’s within reach. How on earth
am I going to deal with this? I can’t believe my twisted curiosity brought me
here. I wish I didn’t know, I wish I could erase what I just heard.
“So, if you’ve been having sex since you were
thirteen, how many women have you actually slept with?”
When he starts to pace back and forth, my fear
intensifies. The idea that I’ll have to share the man I love with the thought
of so many women who came before me is enough to tear my heart in two.
“Why do you need to know all of this? I keep on
telling you that the only person I care about is you. I’ve never felt this way
about anyone before and that’s what’s important. Doesn’t that mean anything to
you?”
“How fucking many, Jake?” I even manage to
surprise myself by the swearing, I guess I’ve finally reached my breaking
point. If Jake doesn’t give me some answers soon I’m worried that I’m really
going to lose it.
“I don’t know how many, ok? I realise how
horrible that sounds and how disgusted you must be with me but the truth is
that I just don’t know for sure.”
“How many?” I scream, needing to hear him say
it.
I realise that I’m being relentless but I want
a number. I won’t rest until he tells me the truth.
“It’s. Not. Important. No one has made me feel
alive like I do when I’m with you, no one has made me want to commit to them
and no one has made me ache for them like I ache for you.”
He’s becoming angry and desperate but I find
myself getting an odd sense of satisfaction from watching him suffer. I want to
see him hurt because I'm in so much pain right now, I don't want to be alone in
that. I want Jake to feel it too.
“Do you think the fact that you can’t remember
the number of people you’ve slept with makes you sound honourable?” I shout accusingly.
He walks towards me with his hands
outstretched as though he’s trying to call a truce but I back away from him,
not wanting him to touch me.
“I know it makes me look really bad but I’ve already
told you, I’m not the same person I was back then.”
“You made love to them and you didn’t even
care. What sort of man does that make you?” Angry tears pool in my eyes as I
ask the one question that’s really troubling me. I’m so scared that I’ll be like
them. What if I sleep with Jake and he forgets all about me? My heart couldn’t
take it; he means so much to me already. He’s my everything.
“Don’t say that! I did not make love to any of
those girls, it was just sex. Meaningless, forgettable and something I truly
regret now that I’m with you. Please don’t compare what we have to any of them.
When we have sex it will be entirely different. I want to make love to you so
badly and that’s exactly what it will be, Bethany. It will be so much more than
anything I’ve experienced before because it will be with you.”
I can see that he’s in agony; he’s struggling
to make me see things from his point of view. I’m trying, I really am but all I
keep thinking about is how can he be so flippant about something so meaningful.
“How am I supposed to know that I won’t just be
another notch on your bedpost?”
“Because I’m standing here and I’m begging you
to forgive a past that I can’t change. It’s like you’re asking me to erase the
things that have happened before I met you and as much as I would like to, it’s
impossible. Bethany, I swear to you that if we were to sleep together it would
be amazing, it would be incredible because I’d be with someone I love and I’ve
never had that before.”
He looks exhausted and broken, his eyes are
glazed over with unshed tears and my throat is so sore from all of the yelling.
I wish I could stop this but I can’t, I refuse to admit defeat. I need to know
how many women he’s had sex with. I have to know.
“How do you expect me to believe anything
you say? You’re not even being honest with me right now and I’m not even sure
whether I believe you’re story about being called into work tonight either. I
feel as though you’re keeping something from me and now you won’t even tell me
how many people you’ve had sex with!”
“I was telling you the truth about tonight, I
did have to go into the bar before I came here and I really don’t know the
exact number of everyone I’ve… God, I don’t know… maybe seven or eight girls a
year since my first time. I don’t know for definite, it’s just an estimation.”
“Do you know how many people that
is? If you’re telling me the truth then that means you’ve slept with roughly
seventy people!”
“I’m so sorry, baby. If I would have known then
that there was going to be a you then I wouldn’t have gone anywhere near them.
If I had known that I was capable of experiencing something like this then I
wouldn’t have slept with anybody, I would have waited for you. All I can do now
is apologise, I hope that you can see past all of my mistakes and recognise the
person that I am underneath, the person that I am when I’m with you. Please
tell me that you still want to be with me, Bethany. I’m begging you.”
He tries to touch me but I flinch away from
him, needing some time to process everything.
“Don’t touch me.”
I speak softly but Jake staggers backwards, as
though my words have physically wounded him. I never thought that I had the
power to hurt somebody like this but that’s what I see when I look at Jake.
Deciding that I need some space and that I need
to be far away from Jake right now, I turn and walk in the opposite direction.
I know exactly where I’m heading, I have to go home. I need time to process
this and I hope he can respect that.
I’ve only taken a few steps before Jake catches
up with me.
“Bethany, you can’t do this! Don’t walk away
from me, I’m trying to explain. Not one of those girls is worth any of this,
what I felt for them doesn’t even begin to compare to how I feel for you. You
are the only girl I’ve ever chased after, you are the girl who’s ever made me
feel jealous and you’re the only girl I want to be with. I want there to be an
us, Bethany. That’s how serious I am about you!”
I almost give in when I hear the unbelievable
despair in his voice but I also realise that I need to be by myself. I’m being
irrational and to gain some perspective I have to be alone.
“Jake, leave me alone. I just need some time
right now, ok?”
“Baby, I’m so sorry. Let me make this right”
He’s pleading with me to forgive him and deliberately blocks my path by
standing right in front of me.
“Just let me leave! I need some time to think
about all of this!”
“What is there to think about? I’m
begging you, don’t leave like this. I can understand that you’re angry but I
need you to tell me that I haven’t ruined this.”
The despair in his voice tugs at my heart
strings, the pained expression on his face is tortured and I look away, unable
to witness his pain for a moment longer.
“I don’t know if you’ve ruined this, that’s
what I need to think about. I’m not going to risk my heart and my sanity by
sleeping with you for it to then mean nothing. I really don’t want to add
myself to your long lists of conquests.”
“But it wouldn’t be that way! You’re all I can
think about and I’ve never felt this way for anyone before. I can’t change my
past Bethany. I wish to God I could but if you only knew how badly I want you,
how desperately I need you. Please don’t give up on us before we’ve even
started.”
I do realise that what Jake did before he met
me should be of little consequence. It’s what he chooses to do with his future
that should be important to me but I just know that I’ll be picturing him with
someone every time I close my eyes. My mind is already forming images of Jake
with so many different women and every single one of them is far more beautiful
and experienced than I am.
“Just leave me alone! I need time to think!”
“I can’t! Don’t you understand that? I can’t
leave you alone, not now and not ever!”
We stand still and stare at one another. It’s
almost as if there are no more words to say, so much has been said already. The
damage has already been done.
It’s only when the rain starts that we
break eye contact from one another. Relentless, determined raindrops begin to
fall down on us but we remain frozen. The rain soon turns into a downpour;
rivulets of water cascade down Jake’s face, turning his hair an even darker
shade. The beauty of him is so extraordinary; I have to force myself to look
away. If I’m forced to witness his perfection for a moment longer I know I’ll
crumble.
“I don’t care, Jake, I just want to leave!” My
voice sounds so cold, completely devoid of any emotion. I know my detachment is
cruel; maybe I’m punishing Jake for things that aren’t even his fault. I have
no power at home; I’m not allowed any opinions and I have no voice. I suppose
that projecting all of my resentment onto Jake is my way of freeing myself from
all of the hurt and the anger that I’ve been carrying for so long. It’s wrong
but I just can’t seem to help myself.
“I can’t let you leave.” He says resolutely.
I sigh in exasperation. I can’t outrun
him or even get by him until he moves aside. I’m not even sure what time it is,
when we left gran’s it was a little after nine o’clock but I’ve no idea how
long we’ve been arguing for. It could have been an hour or it might have been
ten minutes.
The fact is, if I’m not back home soon then it
could easily be the end of everything going on between us. My father’s always
home late on a Friday but tonight could be the exception. He actually came home
early a few weeks ago, the week before I first met Jake. If that happens
tonight and I’m caught sneaking in the house then I will never see Jake again.
I’m furious with him and I want to be alone but I don’t want this to be the end
of us, I really don’t. If I want to see Jake again then I need to convince him
to let me to leave. I need to leave right now.
I try to get past him but he’s too quick for
me, moving to the side and preventing my escape. He grabs hold of my arm,
forcing my body to collide with his.
“Jake, let go of me. I need to get home!”
“No, this is fucking crazy. You can’t leave
like this, I won’t let you!”
“Jake, my father could be home any minute, I
need to get home before he does. We can talk about this later.”
“Fuck him! You’re not leaving until we solve
things, until we fix this.”
The torrential rain almost drowns out our
voices, forcing us to yell so we can be heard over the impending thunder storm.
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