Almost Lovers (7 page)

I pulled a chair out for myself and
Sebastian picked the third chair at the table. I must have tainted
the chair I had pulled out for him. Tainted with my nervousness and
lies. I let out a deep sigh. We both sat. I pretended to focus on
making sure our coffee didn't spill. It was time to suck it up and
finish this. Like cleaning the house, I just had to do it and not
think about it. I wanted to hum a tune to take my mind off of
things but stopped myself. I was beyond nervous.

"Prussia," said Sebastian, "It’s time to
clear the air,"

I sighed, unhappy about having to put my
actions into words and explaining what all had occurred. It felt
like the minute I said the words I would be confirming to the
universe that I had been a cheating hussy. I had used someone for
my own personal gain, my own motivation, and it made me feel
horrible.

"Okay," I said, "Here goes..."

I started from the beginning. I tried to
explain to Sebastian that I had not intended to hurt him in any
way. It was hard to read him. The more I explained, the more his
face seemed to shut down. I couldn't tell if he had decided to be
furious or had just gotten bored and had started thinking about
something else. After I finished explaining everything we just sat
for a moment.

I leaned forward, clutching the coffee that
had gone cold. I tried to read his strong features. His kind eyes
had slowly disappeared as I had continued talking. They were cold
now, reserved, guarded. Even though I still wanted Robert back from
Lydia, I felt a small pang of guilt and sadness that I had made
Sebastian feel this way. I regretted that I had made his eyes look
at me with sadness where before they had sparkled with every
glance.

"Please, Sebastian," I said, the silence
crushing, "say something, anything,"

The coffee shop and the people that floated
around us had melted away. I hadn't touched my coffee though my
lips and throat were dry. After a few seconds his eyes changed, a
small light in them rekindled though very distant. His jaw relaxed
and the tip of his tongue flicked out of his mouth to wet his lips
as he cleared his throat.

"You couldn’t have known you were going to
be attacked in the park," he said, “It’s not possible,”

That wasn’t at all what I had expected him
to say. I was surprised.

"No…" I said, "I didn't know,"

"You didn't go looking for me," said
Sebastian, sitting up in his chair and leaning towards me.

"I had no idea you would be in the park," I
said, "I thought it was empty,"

I was confused; he was supposed to be upset.
And I felt like I had explained all of this fairly well. I wonder
if I had skimmed over some parts too quickly. I didn't take him for
a stupid man. I waited for him to process everything. I expected
the anger to set in any moment along with the realization of what
exactly I had done.

"So what you're saying is that you still
love Robert," said Sebastian.

"Right," I said, "I shouldn't have used you
to try to make Robert jealous,"

"I saved you and you saw an opportunity," he
said, "You didn't exactly go out looking for someone to use,"

"Well, that's one way of looking at it," I
said, "But it was still wrong. I shouldn't have used you. And then
when I realized that Victoria was your grandmother, that just made
it so much worse somehow," I watched his jaw set again. His lips
pressed together firmly and his chin rose.

"Yes," said Sebastian, "That was wrong,"

I hung my head and prepared for the
injustice of what I had done to be unleashed upon me with sharp
words of reprimand. I prepared for the anger and the frustration to
boil to the surface.

"Thank you for being honest with me,
Prussia," said Sebastian.

"But I haven't been," I said, looking up
with the saddest eyes I could convey, "I have been the opposite of
honest,"

He smiled at me then and I started to
realize that perhaps I would get what I deserved,
complications.

"You have come clean now and we've only been
out once," said Sebastian, "You don't strike me as the type to lie.
It's been eating you alive, hasn't it?"

He wasn't wrong but I hadn't exactly been
dying from it. I mean, I had kept on with my plan until it
completely blew up in my face. I still wanted revenge on Lydia and
that wasn't exactly a nice thing.

"I don't understand," I said, "You're
supposed to be upset with me, not nice. I've been lying to
you."

"Oh, I see," said Sebastian with a smile,
"Tell me, then, how should I be reacting?"

I paused. Maybe I was on T.V., some sort of
prank show toying with me. My eyes darted around a moment but I
didn’t see anyone looking at us. There wasn't anywhere to hide a
camera, either.

"Well," I said, "You're supposed to be
offended and angry for one."

"Oh I am!" he said, louder than before,
"What else should I be?"

He had decided he could toy with me. I put
my hands over my face and slumped.

"This isn’t a game," I said, "It was wrong
for me to lead you on. It was wrong for me to use you. It's not
what good people do. And here you are, laughing at me, as if you
don't even care"

Sebastian didn't say anything. I waited,
hiding my face in shame and frustration. I deserved being laughed
at. I had been in the wrong. It just wasn't what I had
expected.

"Prussia," he said. His voice was quiet, "I
realize this isn't easy for you. But honesty is never easy. That's
why so many people lie. I find it charming that lying does this to
you. I think it's the mark of a great person. I wish that more
people were like you,"

I pulled my hands down from my face. I had
just told this man I had been using him and he said he wished more
people were like me. What did that mean?

"Have you been lying to me since we met?" I
asked.

He sat back. I had offended him. I could
only tell because he had been so relaxed and smiling before. His
face had changed quickly. It had been the most honest and straight
forward emotion I had seen on his face since I had started telling
him what I had done. And he didn't answer. He just looked at
me.

"Prussia," began Sebastian, “the most
important things in a relationship are honesty and trust. I
wouldn't lie to you,"

He took one of my hands in his and patted my
hand.

"But I began lying to you the moment we
met," I said in a whisper, looking down.

"And I forgive you," said Sebastian,
"because now I know that from this moment on we're speaking
honestly,"

My brain hadn't caught up. He wasn't angry,
he was happy. This was so odd. I told him I had been lying and he
was happy about it. But that didn’t make sense because he knows I
love Robert, that I want Robert back.

"Sebastian," I said, "You understand we’re
not dating,"

I tried to say it gently because I felt like
he didn’t understand what it all meant. He must think I had come
clean so we could continue dating.

"I think you’re an amazing woman." said
Sebastian.

"An amazing woman with a boyfriend," I said,
"I'm still dating Robert..."

I tried to read his face. He had on a smile
but it didn't feel as genuine as it had before. Some other emotion
was at work and I couldn't place what it was. I couldn’t put my
finger on it. He patted my hand gently.

"Well, now," he said, "I think that the
events of this morning spell out an entirely different situation if
my memory serves me correctly,"

"No," I said, "This morning was
just…confusing-"

"Because I'm pretty sure that
boyfriend
of yours," Sebastian said, "went off with Lydia
and gave me a firm 'No' on the boyfriend label,"

He continued smiling but I don't think he
enjoyed this conversation. If anything he seemed more upset over me
explaining that I still wanted to be with Robert than finding out I
had been using him.

"That was all Lydia's doing," I explained,
"As soon as I get a chance to talk to Robert, it will all work
out,"

"So you didn't tell him that you wanted to
be together?" asked Sebastian.

"No, I did. He just didn't understand," I
said, "He was going somewhere and there was just some
miscommunication because so much was going on all at once. It was
all so hectic,"

He nodded his head and smiled.

"But he thought that you were separated for
some time? This is why he and Lydia know each other so well?" asked
Sebastian.

"No," I said, "That all happened just this
morning. Lydia is just our neighbor,"

That made me angry. I felt that same
frustration as the night I went jogging start bubbling up. He sat
there nodding with his sarcastic smile as if he knew everything. I
wanted to pour my coffee in his lap. I wished it was hot still. I
could feel tears begin to well up in my eyes. Hot, angry tears
threatened to spill over and water down my cold coffee.

Sebastian didn't say anything but his hand
was on mine once more, rubbing gently this time instead of
patting.

"Prussia, you are a wonderful woman-" he
said.

"With a boyfriend," I murmured, a tearful
catch in my throat.

"With a boyfriend that doesn't love you and
is not worthy of you," said Sebastian.

I looked up at him then, not wanting to hear
what he had to say.

"That's your opinion," I said, "And it's
wrong,"

I said it with as much conviction as I
had.

"If he loved you he would be sitting here
next to you," said Sebastian, a coldness to his voice, "not out
with Lydia," and the last part had a touch of what I easily
recognized as anger.

I couldn’t tell if he meant to direct his
anger at Robert or Lydia. It could have been both. But he was angry
for me and that melted some of my own anger towards him.

"I'm just trying to be honest, Prussia," he
said, "You deserve so much better and…I'm just asking for a chance
to be that for you,"

I looked at his strong hand on top of mine
and thought about it for a moment. Sebastian was handsome and he
had saved my life once already. After what I had done to him I
didn't deserve him if he was as wonderful as he seemed.

"I don't think I can," I said, "My heart is
still Robert's. Whether you believe he loves me or not, I still
love him and I have to try,"

Sebastian pulled his hands back from mine
and sat back in his chair. A look of contemplation crossing over
his face. I felt studied. I felt naked in that moment as his eyes
searched my face.

"Robert is a fool," he said after a moment,
"but then so am I,"

"What?" I asked.

"I don't want to be away from you, Prussia,"
said Sebastian, "And if that means trying to win you away from
Robert then I'm willing to try."

"I don't understand," I said.

His face was set with determination. His
eyes had a fierceness to them, a confidence.

"You owe me," he said.

My mouth fell open and I spilled my coffee.
Too shocked to pay attention to the tiny puddle I had spilled. It
made its way towards the edge of the table. My eyes were locked
with Sebastian’s. I wish he had just been angry. I knew how to deal
with angry. I was not prepared to deal with this.

"I'm sorry?" I asked, looking for
clarification.

"And so am I," said Sebastian, "but you owe
me after using me and I hate to do this to you, Prussia, but I
can't let you go. Even if your heart belongs to another,"

He must be completely crazy! Nobody says
these sorts of things. How could he blackmail me for what I did? As
if I didn't feel guilty enough, he wanted me to pay some sort of
penance and…date him?

"You are absolutely insane," I said, "Who
thinks this way?"

"I don't know," he said, "Who uses the man
who saved her life to cheat on her boyfriend and make him
jealous?"

He said it so casually, so calmly as if I
couldn't argue it. I snapped my mouth shut and crossed my arms. I
never thought I would be so angry by the time this whole thing was
said and done.

"I'm just saying, I think you owe it to me
to at least spend time with me," he said, "You know, time with me
and not thinking about Robert and plotting how to use me to make
him jealous. I just want a fair chance,"

He looked at me as if what he proposed was
completely rational. Yes, it was underhanded but so was what I had
done. Still, I’m dating Robert or at least had been. Robert and I
were not actually, technically, at this very moment dating. I had
seen the way he had left with Lydia. And I had been lying to myself
if I thought that just magically happened over night.

Had it simply been a mix-up? Had my plan
backfired because Robert, too, was an opportunist? I looked
Sebastian over and tried to think of what my mother would say if I
had known her. I had nothing but a sigh and my imagination. If
spending time with Sebastian was the way I could make up for how I
had wronged him then it wasn’t much to ask.