All That the Heart Desires (37 page)

Getting through those hours in the hospital was just like surviving the hours after my son was taken from me: I was the same lost wreck as I was then. I never imagined I would have to live through that again. I paced up and down the hallway in front of the operating theatre where they’d taken him immediately after the chopper landed.

His left leg was injured. Tibia fractures, I was told; being the largest man in Formula 1 was not a benefit. I just prayed that everything would go well.

Before the operation had ended Crest arrived and kept me company. I couldn’t speak, but he filled me in with information from the track and afterwards with news from the doctors regarding Lorcan’s status.

“Calm down. It’s not life threatening,” he said and took my arm, leading me towards the room where Lorcan had been taken after surgery. In spite of this news, I was barely breathing. And there he was, lying still on the white bed, with hospital apparatus around him monitoring his every heartbeat, his every breath. When I saw him, my eyes filled with tears that started to run down my cheeks. I had nothing to wipe them away with but my hands.

I extended my stay in Milano for the whole week. My text to Harry soon became the truth. I was not going back to Paris because I stayed in Milano, mostly in the hospital during the nights when I knew Lorcan was asleep. I did my sleeping during the days. I was not ready to face him, afraid I might cry in front of him and that was the last thing he needed.

Crest left on Monday as he had to, but stayed in touch with the doctors and me. He gave them permission to tell me everything that was going on. Crest called me every day so that I could keep him updated with any information I had from the hospital.

Harry called me every day too; including the Sunday afternoon after the accident. Although our last conversation had been an argument, we forgot about it. He was genuine in his worry about Lorcan and, of course, about me. He wanted to join me, but I told him there was no need to. I was a big girl and could manage on my own.

“Yes you are. I’m sorry I haven’t treated you that way for the last couple of weeks.”

That was his apology and I knew it was sincere.

By the end of the week as soon as I was informed Lorcan would be transferred to England and to home care, I decided to leave immediately. Before I managed to do so, I was told by the lead doctor they would only allow him to leave the facility if accompanied by someone he trusted, and Lorcan had told them that was me. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do, but in the end, I knew I had no other choice. I had to escort him to England and eventually face him too.

Friday was not an easy day for me. The morning nurse instructed me to come back at two o’clock in the afternoon, as we would be taken to the airport by the ambulance and the doctor wanted me to escort him.

“I still don’t understand. I’m not trained in medicine.” She smiled and in a strong Italian accent told me that those were the doctor’s orders. I sighed and left before she woke Lorcan to check his temperature.

I came back later. I’d managed to catch up on some sleep but then, I was woken by Harry who was packing my things. I was surprised to see him there.

“You have two hours,” he told me and left my bedroom. I barely managed to get myself together before joining him.

“What game are you all playing with me again?” I asked him, without saying hello.

“It’s not a game,” he turned around and sat in an armchair.

“What then?” I insisted. He looked at me.

“Get ready. After that we will have lunch and then I will drive you to the hospital. Afterwards, I will tell you what I have been asked.”

“You?”

“Desiree, please. Everything is ready and we don’t want to be late. Please do as I ask.” I looked at him. He was treating me like a child again. Something had happened to Harry and I didn’t know what. I headed for the bathroom.

I was out in fifteen minutes, showered and dressed. My suitcase was already missing from the room and Harry stood up as soon as he saw me.

“How are you, Sis?” he asked me and gave me into a big brotherly hug.

“I don’t know.”

“You look bad.”

“Thank you.” I returned sarcastically.

He smiled.

“No really. For someone who witnessed the accident of someone they are supposedly not in love with, you look splendidly good.”

“Oh, shut up!” was all I managed to say.

During lunch and the drive to the hospital, Harry told me everything Crest wanted and needed me to do. I was silent all the way. I didn’t want to interrupt him. My job, basically, was to take care of the prime star on the Crest estate. I couldn’t imagine how.

“Did you sign me up to that in that contract of yours, too?”

“C’mon, Desiree. Don’t be a child.” I sighed and closed the passenger door, when another question popped into my mind. I knocked on the window.

“What about Molly?” Harry put the window down.

“Molly?”

“Yes, Molly. Lorcan’s cousin. She’s his family.” Harry turned the engine off and stepped out of the car.

“You’ve met her?” he asked. I nodded.

“I met her in the box on Friday and Saturday. Actually we had a girls’ night on Saturday.” We were looking at each other over the top of the car.

“I don’t know, Desiree. That is something you will have to ask Lorcan and not me.”

He sat back in the car.

“I want my car by the latest, tomorrow. Is that understood, Harry?” Harry closed his door and nodded.

“It will be done. Now go. They are waiting for you.”

I turned around and saw a group of reporters at the main door, with different types of cameras.

“Oh hell,” I murmured, but Harry smiled, closed the window and drove off.

I wondered what to do. I was lucky enough not to have been spotted in the carpark. Then I saw an elderly couple who could barely manage to walk from the carpark to the hospital. I ran to them and offered my help. At first they looked surprised, but then gratefully accepted my offer of help.

The lady was so fragile that I was afraid to take her arm, but was somehow surprised when she took my arm with a force I knew was keeping her alive. Both must have been around ninety.

The man introduced himself as Angelo and his wife as Gina. They were going to see their great great grandson. That much I understood.

Just before we came close to the reporters, I let my hair fall and partially cover my face. Photos of me running back to the box were now published in several magazines and also the video had been shown on the news.

“
Possiamo entrare
?” (Can we enter?) I heard Angelo ask in a firm voice. Actually no one looked at us, they just moved out of the way. The front door closed behind us and I wanted to ask where to accompany them, but Gina smiled and patted my hand. She spoke in flawless English.

“Run, dear girl. They didn’t recognise you.” They smiled at me. I returned their smiles and thanked them.

Everybody was waiting for me as I was late. I tried to apologise but the doctor waved his hand and motioned for the hospital porters to take Lorcan to a waiting ambulance. I tried to warn them about the reporters outside the hospital, but the nurse calmed me down, assuring me that everything was taken care of. Lorcan wanted to meet them as much as I did.

Silently, I followed them to the elevator, hoping they’d really taken every precaution. Despite all the fuss, they managed to get Lorcan to the nearest ambulance, pushing me inside too and, as soon as the rear doors were closed, the sirens blared.

“God,” was all, I was able to say when the ambulance took its first turn out of the hospital. At that moment I felt Lorcan’s hand holding mine. I held onto his bed trying to steady myself. I raised my head and that was the first time we’d looked at each other since the morning of that dreadful Sunday.

“We need to talk,” he said, finally. I was staring at him. His eyes were back. So was his smile. Somehow in that moment, I knew he would be all right.

At the Crest estate, I was practically alone with Lorcan and Crest’s staff. The first few days the doctor and physiotherapist agreed on how Lorcan’s recovery should takes place. Every day the physiotherapist came and worked with him for an hour or so. Although his left leg needed rest so that the fractures could heal, Lorcan wanted to continue to work out. He wanted to stay fit to get back into the racing car as soon as possible. I managed to avoid being alone with Lorcan for that week.

The first few nights, he slept like someone who had been hit with a baseball bat. Tom gave us the same rooms as on my first visit to the Crest mansion, so during the night I was able to sneak into Lorcan’s room several times to check on him. I did that until Tom caught me. He didn’t say anything about seeing me sneaking into Lorcan’s room but merely nodded in agreement.

“I’m checking on him too,” he said when I finally closed the door. He was dressed in his suit, but without his bow tie.

“Why?” I asked him. I couldn’t imagine why someone who worked all day would also be working during the night.

“Well.” he started, but I interrupted him.

“Don’t Tom. I’ll check on him and, if there is anything I can’t handle myself, I’ll call you.”

“Are you sure?” he asked. I nodded. I was sure. It was one of the ‘duties’ entrusted in me by Daniel Crest. Lorcan had no clue.

“Right.”

“I’m pretty sure he’ll sleep through the night without interruption.”

He looked seriously at me.

“Then why are you watching over him?” His voice sounded serious too. Before I could think of a proper excuse, the words just slipped out of my mouth.

“Because I love him.”

“And here we are. Finally,” he said, turned around and left me standing alone in the hallway. Only then did I realise what I had said out loud. I became angry with myself. I’d spoken without thinking and let the truth be known.

“Christ!” I muttered.

“I won’t tell him.”

The next morning I woke up late. It was no wonder, as I had found it hard to get back to sleep after that conversation with Tom.

When I managed to show my presence downstairs, Lorcan was on the terrace: it was a warm and sunny September day. Tom brought me a cup of coffee from the breakfast room. Finally after a week, both he and the cook realised that no matter what they prepared for breakfast, I would not eat. I was standing in front of the parlour door watching Lorcan from across the room, when Tom said:

“He’s waiting for you.”

“I didn’t tell him anything.”

I sighed with the resigned sigh of a convicted criminal and went to join Lorcan on the terrace. Although he had heard me coming, he didn’t turn around.

“Finally,” he said, “it’s time to talk.”

I gritted my teeth but stayed behind him. He turned around and looked at me.

“Please sit down. I am afraid you’ll run away and I will be talking to thin air.”

I had to smile because he had actually, guessed my next move. I took a few steps closer, took the nearest chair and moved it away from Lorcan.

“I won’t eat you. I don’t want to shout what I need to tell you.”

I looked at him and sighed. I’d done that a lot for the past few days. Again I was trapped, so I did as I was asked.

He was watching me intensely and said nothing. His eyes were as clear as crystal-silver as the day we met; the day I had noticed his unique, appealing scent. I took a sharp intake of breath and that same scent was all around him again. I blushed and turned quickly away.

“You do remember, don’t you?” he asked.

I pushed my loose hair back from my face and nodded, unable to speak properly.

“I’ve never really apologised for what almost happened on Grand Corniche, have I?”

I wondered what direction this conversation was heading in and what he really wanted from me.

“You don’t have to apologise. I know you’re sorry,” I blurted.

“Thank you.”

I nodded. I didn’t believe for one minute that this was what he wanted to talk to me about.

“Do you remember telling me your reasons why we can’t be together?”