All That the Heart Desires (40 page)

When it finally stopped raining for a while, he ordered me to leave the house and go for a walk. When I was too far away from the house to run back, I was caught in a heavy downpour, so returned soaking wet to the horrified expression of both Tom and Lorcan. Seeing them looking at me like that, I didn’t have the heart to tell them how good it felt to walk in the rain.

Both men nearly had to drag me to my room, and ordered me into the bathroom for a hot shower. I had to laugh when I heard Tom mumbling through gritted teeth:

“I don’t need another patient in my house.”

The laughter that escaped from me was loud enough for him to hear me outside the bathroom.

“Well, when you start to sneeze and have a stuffed nose, don’t come running to me.”

It only made me laugh even louder. I took a long, hot shower. He was right. I could end up with a cold, or worse, a fever. I was not able to afford this now, when I was nursing Lorcan.

Enjoying the hot water, I started to wonder if that was really what I was doing. The truth was, I was keeping him company, but nursing him? - Definitely not. He had his daily visits from his physiotherapist and weekly visits from the team doctor. He didn’t really need me. So why was I still there?

Lorcan was sitting on the bed when I came out of the bathroom. I was dressed in a bathrobe, trying to stop my hair from dripping water on the floor.

“Come here,” he gestured for me to join him on the bed.

“Why?” I asked him, looking for mischief in his eyes. There wasn’t any.

“I can dry your hair better than you can.” I saw this as the perfect opportunity to question him further about his life and early childhood.

I sat between his muscular legs with my back to him, and let him take the towel out of my hands. We were silent as he started to rub my long hair. It felt good.

Another childhood memory surfaced. Harry used to dry my hair for me when I was a child. He knew our mother cared for me that way and he continued doing so after every bath I had.

I’d almost forgotten that I wanted to sort some things with Lorcan; I was lost in my memories.

“What it is?” he asked me after hearing me sigh. “Where are you?”

“Lost. This brought back some good memories.”

“Your mum?” he asked.

I nodded.

“Yes, of her too, but basically memories of Harry.” For a single moment his hand stopped drying my hair. When I felt the brush go through my hair he asked me more about my memories.

“Harry?”

“Yes. Harry.” Slowly, while he was brushing my hair, I told him our history. From the moment I remembered it.

The next morning, when I woke up, I was not sure what had happened. When did I fall asleep? I was stripped of my bathrobe and dressed in a large tee shirt I knew was not mine. Christ, I didn’t pass out, did I? The bed was empty on the other side, but I saw that the door was open. Listening more carefully, I heard male voices outside. I recognised them; Lorcan and Tom were talking.

Slowly, I got up and went to the door, where I surprised them. Before I managed to say a word, I was instructed to get back into bed. My bewildered look bemused them both.

“What’s going on?” I asked when Tom left the room and I was alone with Lorcan.

“The doctor is on his way,” he told me.

“Why?”

He was watching me and sat down on the bed.

“You had a fever through the night.”

“Yeah, right!” I started to laugh. “Impossible.”

“You fell asleep talking to me.”

“That’s not proof of being feverish.”

I wanted to get up, but he was in my way.

“Do you have any recollection how you got into this?” He pointed to the tee shirt I was wearing. I looked down and shook my head.

“No.”

“I’ve sent for the doctor. He will be here soon.”

“Christ,” I rolled on to other side of the bed and got up. “I was tired, Lorcan, and basically emotionally drained. That’s why I fell asleep like I did. I’ve never told anyone so much about me. About my past. About my brother.”

Carefully he stood up. It didn’t look like I’d convinced him.

“I’m fine, Lorcan. Really,” I tried to reassure him. “Call off the doctor.”

That night we barely slept. The bedroom door had barely closed behind us and his hands were already on me. He pulled me into his arms and kissed me so deeply I forgot to breathe. Before my mind managed to react, my body responded wildly. I felt my nipples harden under my tee shirt.

Feeling his hand sliding down my back pulling my tee shirt out of my jeans just made my legs feel like jelly. If he hadn’t held me that tightly I would have slipped down his body. With one swift move he pulled my tee shirt over my head and dropped it on the floor. I did the same with his shirt.

My eyes were wide open. I was hungry for his body as much as he was for mine. His body had always shaken me, but in a good way. A slight sweat made all his mucles shine. I started to breathe sharply.

Slowly, keeping my eyes on his, I started to undo my bra. I dropped it onto the floor.

“Come here,” he said.

His voice was cracking with desire. I started slowly to unbutton my jeans.

“What if I do that?”

I looked at him again. He was having trouble breathing. He stepped closer to me but I backed away.

“No.”

I dropped my jeans down and stepped out of them; standing in front of him wearing nothing but my knickers.

“This is such sweet torture, but I can’t wait,” he breathed heavily. He took my hand and pulled me back to his arms, kissing me wildly. Somehow he was out of his sweatpants and my knickers were lying at my feet.

My hands followed the curves of the muscles on his torso. I felt goose bumps on his skin wherever my fingers touched him. He shuddered when I slipped my fingers under his boxers, touching the curly hair of his groin. He growled and took the boxers off, letting his arousal free. In an instant I was covered with sweat myself.

“Come,” he led me to the bed and carefully sat on it, pulling me into his embrace again. We kissed again and then he lay on his back with me on top of him. Feeling him hard inside me, seeing his sparkling eyes full of lust and desire .

We finally got to sleep in the morning when the sun started to crawl into our room, and slept till noon. We were exhausted.

It was Friday and, when I returned from my walk, I spotted Crest’s limo outside. I wondered who had come home, so I sped up. When I entered the house, it was quiet. Too quiet for my liking, although for the last four weeks we’d been alone in the house, except for the staff.

Looking for Lorcan, I found him sitting in the library alone, staring at the fire. I sensed something was wrong.

“What it is?” I asked him. He looked at me and said nothing. I slowly closed the door but didn’t move any closer.

“Who came?” I was persistent. He was deadly serious when he spoke.

“A man is looking for you.”

I must have gone pale as a wall.

“What …?” I began to ask but he interrupted me.

“He said you’d promised him.”

“Promised what? And to whom?”

I was completely lost. I didn’t understand a word he was saying. I heard the sound of the door opening behind me.

“To me,” I heard a boy’s voice and I quickly turned around. Behind my back Daniel was standing with the book in his hands. “You promised to read this book to me.” He was smiling at me and suddenly he was in my arms. I turned around and faced Lorcan, just in time to see him giving a high five to Daniel.

I shook my head and all I got was laughter.

For the following two weeks we lived like this. Daniel went to school every Sunday afternoon, but returned to the mansion every Friday. His excuse was that we were not finished with the book. Andrew never came with him and I wondered why, but never dared to ask.

With the progress Lorcan was making, it was only a matter of time before he would return to racing. Being on the Crest estate meant we were almost free from the press. Nevertheless, photos of me or of us were coming out in the newspapers. Lorcan was still the talk of the season and most importantly the question being asked was whether he would return to the circuit to catch up.

I tried to talk to him about it. He didn’t quite lock me out, but was short in his answers. I didn’t want to push him to talk to me. I thought he might come forward by himself and trust me.

Another three weeks passed and I managed to finish reading the book to Daniel. It was the last Sunday before the Abu Dhabi Grand Prix.

When Daniel left, I waved him good-bye from the doorstep. He really had grown into my heart and I knew that now that the book was read, he had no real reason to come back. His grandparents were away with the racing team, travelling from one site in the East to another.

The next stop for the Formula 1 caravan was in the Middle East and I could feel Lorcan’s restlessness. He wanted to get back to the racetrack, and the more I felt his wish, the more I was scared. What if an accident happened again and this time Lady Luck wasn’t on his side? I knew I must hide my worries. I didn’t want to change him; he was race driver. That was who he was.

Seeing Crest coming through the library door the day he arrived back, I realised our time was up. Lorcan was going back and I couldn’t do anything—except to pray? Perhaps, if I had been a better believer, but I wasn’t. I greeted him. Lorcan tried to keep me near, holding my hand, but I slipped away and left the room.

I was pacing up and down the front hall, in danger of wearing out the marble floor. Tom came close but I didn’t want to talk to him. I was waging a personal war with myself and I knew I needed to find peace with myself no matter what choice Lorcan made. All I knew was I would never be present again at another Formula 1 race. My heart would burst with worry.

When they finally came out, I was not surprised by the look on Lorcan’s face. He’d decided to return and try to save the season. Because he’d missed the last four races, his advantage in points had decreased dramatically. The press was aggressive with headlines that declared that he could ‘kiss’ his next title goodbye.

“I’ll return to Nice tomorrow,” I said and went to go upstairs, but he caught my hand. I stood on the second stair and was only then able to look straight into his eyes without raising my head.

“You’ll be coming with me.”

I shook my head.

“No.”

I turned around and ran to our room.

My packing was quickly done. I left only fresh clothes for the next day, my brush and my toothbrush. Everything else was just thrown into my suitcase.

While taking my suitcase back downstairs, I overheard snippets of conversation. Lorcan was asking Crest if he was serious. His voice sounded deeply concerned and he was frowning. There was no mistake. He was somewhat disturbed for he brushed his hand through his hair several times.

“What’s going on?”

“What the hell …?” both men started at the same time. I was standing above them, on my way downstairs.

“I said I was leaving tomorrow.” I said.

They exchanged glances. Crest turned around.

“It’s between you two.”