All of You (66 page)

A
t 6:49 a.m.
the next morning, Kat was sitting on her couch, staring off into space and trying to muster up the energy to shower before work.

When her phone dinged, Kat’s heart skipped a beat. Even though she already knew it wasn’t Danny – and that it would never be Danny again – Kat couldn’t help but wish. And hope. And pray.

But when Kat looked, it was just Stella.

Again.

Just as it had been all night. The woman would
not
shut up or be deterred, temper tantrums and candle breaking apparently be damned.

Stella:
I’m on my way to your apartment. Should be there in five minutes.

Kat:
Why?

Stella:
Because I need to talk to you. Now.

Kat:
I have to get dressed for work. I’ll call you tonight.

Stella:
This can’t wait.

Kat:
Well, it’s going to have to. I already told you, in no uncertain terms, that I do NOT want to talk, Stell. If you don’t leave me alone, I’m going to tell Nathan you’re bugging me. And that you’re texting and driving.

Stella:
Don’t. You. Dare.
When Kat didn’t respond, Stella added:
No, seriously. Don’t tell him about the texting. Please. The lecture I will receive will be astoundingly long, boring, and annoying.

Kat:
Then go home.

Stella:
Can’t. Gotta talk to you
.
By the way, he knows I’m coming right now. I’ll be there in four minutes.

Kat huffed, texting:
What could be so urgent that we have to talk right now?
Suddenly worried, Kat added,
Is Gia okay? Are you okay?

Stella:
We’re all fine. N and I stayed up all night, dealing with a certain drunken houseguest, so I am a little sleep-deprived. I’m sure you can relate
.
Doubt you slept a wink last night, either. Not that you answered any of my texts or phone calls. :/ By the way, next time you see Nathan, you can thank him for not letting me drive over earlier, which is what I wanted him to do. Could have had this whole thing sorted hours ago.

Stomach knotting tighter, Kat texted:
What thing?

Stella:
Whatever BULLSHIT this is going on between you and Danny.

Hands shaking, Kat texted:
What do you mean, bullshit?

Stella:
Three minutes.

Kat:
There’s nothing to talk about. Seriously. Please go home.

Stella:
Two minutes. Maybe still three, since this idiot in front of me is insisting on going the speed limit…drives me nuts.
Before Kat could respond, Stella texted:
You might as well do it this way. Nathan’s idea, by the way. Mine was driving back to Danny’s, throwing his hung over ass in the car, and dragging him over to your place. I’m thinking you’ll much prefer the Nathan way?

Kat:
I’d PREFER to be left the hell alone. Like I said the other night, remember?

Stella:
Hahahaha. NO. After your little bitch fit, I gave you some space, but it’s time to figure some shit out, baby sister.
Before you and Danny make any bigger of a mess of this than you already have.

Kat:
I just won’t answer the door.

Stella:
I have a key, remember.

Kat:
Stella, please. I am not up for this right now. I’ll talk to you later, okay?

Stella:
Two minutes. Maybe a minute and a half.
Is Fi asleep?

Kat sighed and texted:
Yes, why?

Stella:
Good. Nathan said she was “fairly emotional” last night – which I took to mean she was a raving lunatic. Am I right?

Kat:
Yes.

Stella:
Figured. Well, we don’t need her butting into this particular conversation, so it’s a good thing the woman sleeps like a rock.

As Kat was formulating her next reply, she heard the jingling of keys outside the front door. The deadbolt turned and then the knob lock flipped.

Her shoulders slumped, head shaking, as Kat breathed out, “
Damn it
.”

“I heard that,” Stella said, coming through the door. She pulled the key out of the knob, shut the door behind her, and tossed her purse and keys onto the ledge. She peeled off her jacket and threw it on top of the other stuff before heading into the living room.

Stella walked in front of the couch and looked Kat up and down, head shaking. “You look almost as bad as he does, which is saying a lot, considering the man has been in a drunken stupor for pretty much the last week straight. He’s also not eating or sleeping…” She gave Kat a pointed glance. “Kinda like someone else I know.”

Kat twirled the afghan tassel around and around her finger. “I’m sleeping.”

Stella sat beside Kat, grabbed a hand, and leaned closer. “Lying in bed for twelve hours a day and crying doesn’t count as sleeping.” She squeezed Kat’s hand. “All this stress wouldn’t be good for anyone, but it’s especially not good for you. Between the flare-up you were already having and this…I don’t know how much more your body can take.” Stella paused, leaning over until Kat met her eyes. “Not to mention what all this is doing to Danny.”

More tears welled and fell down Kat’s cheeks.

Stella brushed them away. “The man is a mess of a human being right now, Kat. An absolute wreck. He’s barely functioning. Nathan’s so worried about him he’s thinking about getting him put on leave because he’s damn near useless out in the field right now.”

Kat’s already battered spirit took another beating, knowing she’d not only broken Danny’s heart, but that she’d effectively ruined every other part of his life, as well – including a job she knew he excelled at. A job she knew he loved.

Selfish. Stupid. Cruel.

“And you’re not doing any better.” Stella eyed Kat, head shaking slowly. “I’ve never seen anything like it. It’s like…it’s like, without each other, you’re both…I don’t know…falling to pieces. Falling apart. Breaking down. Like each of you just cannot survive without the other anymore.”

Kat’s crying intensified until she was full-on sobbing again. Stella wrapped her arm around Kat’s shoulders and pulled her into a hug. “
Oh, Kat…
”

Her hands clutching Stella for dear life, Kat open-mouth sobbed into the crook of her neck, completely incapable of holding any of the pain, anger, and loss inside any longer.

“This has to stop, Kat,” Stella said, gently patting her back. “I know you think you’re doing the right thing, but this is not fair – to you or to Danny. Or to all the rest of us who are dying watching you guys both suffer.”

Kat lifted her heavy head to meet Stella’s eyes.

Stella pushed a few wild strands off Kat’s face and patted her cheek. “Nathan – of all God-blessed people – figured it out first, probably because his thought processes are as crazy as yours. He said you mentioned something about not wanting to hurt Danny the night he drove you home from the club…said he started putting two and two together after you pushed Danny away after the hospital.” She rolled her eyes. “Of course he didn’t say anything about it to me, because that would have been way too easy. The man always has to process, dissect, and formulate opinions before he dares speak.” Stella scrunched up her face. “Also, I’ll have you know I’m kinda pissed Mr. Emotionally Stunted saw the light before I did. But, in my defense, it never would have occurred to me you’d be so – well, let’s see, I don’t even know how to put it…ridiculous? Misguided? Flat-out delusional?”

“What are you talking about?” Kat asked hoarsely, already knowing her jig was officially
up
.

Stella gave her a pointed look. “Did you or did you not break up with Danny because you think the MS is progressing?” When Kat stared back at her wordlessly, stoic mask affixed, Stella sighed. “
Kat…
”

Kat still didn’t speak, because there was simultaneously too much to say and nothing to say at all. And how could she even begin to verbalize everything that had happened, anyway…and what would be the point of even trying? What’s done was done, Kat’s reasons were still valid and everyone knowing her motivation wasn’t going to change any of it. She’d known they’d all figure it out eventually, anyway.

“Really?” Stella asked, rearing back. “After everything that happened? You
actually
went and pulled a Nathan?”

“It’s not the same-”

“It’s
exactly
the same! He walked out on me…” Stella air quoted. “‘For my own good’ and you just did the exact same thing to poor Danny!” She dropped her hands into her lap, head shaking. “Kat, what in the world were you thinking?”

“First of all, I never blamed Nathan for what he did. In fact, on several occasions I said that I understood his thought processes and why he made the decisions he made. That didn’t mean my heart wasn’t broken for you both or that I wasn’t thrilled it ended up working out the way it did, but my understanding of his motivation never waivered,” Kat said. “Second of all, like I told Nathan the night he drove me home from the club, this is a different situation from what went on with the two of you. His issues were fixable. His fears and concerns were…” Kat paused. “Not ‘all in his head,’ but something like that. They were psychological things that – with time, therapy, patience, and love – could be minimized or eradicated. That’s not the case with me, Stell. My issues…” Her eyes welled, again, her chest tightening up painfully. “My issues are
never
going away! And, not only that, they will continue to get progressively worse! Until I am no longer able to walk, feed, speak, or go to the bathroom by myself! How could I do that to him, Stell! How could I steal his life away from him like that! You’re a nurse – you know better than anyone what a lifetime with me would mean for Danny!” Kat exhaled a half-sob, half-strangled laugh. “If you can even call it a ‘lifetime!’ If my MS continues to worsen, I could be dead in ten years, Stella! Maybe sooner! And then what would happen to Danny? He’d be alone…and heartbroken…and it would be my fault for sentencing him to it out of my own selfishness!”

“But he’s alone and heartbroken
now
!”

“But he’s still a young man!” Kat grabbed both of Stella’s hands and leaned closer, latching onto her dark eyes. “Don’t you see, Stell! He still has time! Time to…to get over me! To find someone else! To be happy! To have the family he’s always wanted…the family he deserves…” A sob rose in her chest. “The family I could never, ever give him, no matter how badly I want to!”

Kat started sobbing again and Stella pulled her into another hug.

“Oh, Kat, honey…” Stella stroked Kat’s head and began rocking back and forth gently. “Oh, you poor thing…”

“
I love him…so much…Stell
,” Kat whispered between sobs. “
I don’t how…I’ll live…without him! But…I have to! For him!”
She curled her fingers harder into Stella’s shirt, clinging to her. “
Oh, God, Stell…tell me how to do this…please…because I don’t know how. No matter what I do…I just can’t stop loving him…and I feel like I’m dying without him…but I have to let him go…you can see that now, right? That I have to hurt him now…to save him?”

“Oh,
cara
,” Stella whispered soothingly as she continued stroking Kat’s head and rocking them. “I am so sorry you were carrying this by yourself all this time.” She pressed a kiss to Kat’s head and rested her cheek against it. “Our always-too-strong-for-her-own-good Kitty-Kat.” Stella exhaled a soft scoff. “And I can’t believe I didn’t see it sooner – especially after that comment you made at the hospital about not wanting to hurt Danny. Must be Mommy Brain, because usually I’m not usually so slow on the uptake. Should’ve known you were up to some stubborn, silly nonsense.”

Kat lifted her heavy head and met Stella’s eyes. “‘Stubborn…silly nonsense? Did you…hear a word…I just said, Stell?” she said between hiccups.

Stella rolled her eyes. “Yeah, I heard it. Bunch of bullshit.”

Kat’s mouth gaped. “Bunch of…
what
?”

“You heard me. Bunch. Of. Bullshit. Not your concerns, of course. Those make perfect sense. But what you did with those feelings…how you handled this?” Stella scoffed. “Total bullshit.”

Kat righted herself, pulling out of Stella’s embrace, and wrapped her arms around her midsection. After a few deep, calming breaths, she asked, “What do you mean? Which part?”

Stella threw her hands in the air. “All of it!”

Kat balked. “Me not wanting to ruin Danny’s life is
bullshit
?”

“No, you not telling him the truth and letting him make his own decision is bullshit!”

“But if I told him, he’d never walk away! You know him, he’d probably never leave my damn side again!”

Stella quirked a brow. “And why is that, Kat?”

“Why do you think? Because he loves me!”

Stella smirked and Kat scoffed.

“I don’t know what that self-satisfied look on your face is supposed to mean, Stell, but you can wipe it right off! I
know
the man loves me!
You
know the man loves me!
Everyone
knows the man loves me! But
because he loves me
is not a valid reason for allowing Danny to throw his life away on me! I love
him
too much to let that happen. I won’t.” She used the cuff of her sweatshirt to wipe at her face. “And it will all work out for the best, you’ll see. Danny will move on and meet someone else and be happy…and I’ll…” Kat squeezed her eyes shut tight and shook her head hard against hideous images of a future without him. “I’ll move on, too. I’ll never stop loving him –
never
 – but in time, the pain will lessen and when I do finally get sick, he’ll understand. He’ll see why I had to do this…for him…” She choked on another sob, more tears falling. “Because I love him so much. And I always will. I’ll still get to see him…I’ll still get to be – in some small way – a part of his life, even if it’s just in passing…”