All of You (69 page)

It’s about things only the metaphorical human heart can feel: trust, attachment, attraction, lust, joy, pain, loss…

Love.

Kat’s chest expanded as she inhaled the deepest breath she’d taken since Danny had walked out of her lab. Her body tingled, her heart pounded and raced, and every muscle in her body was trembling thanks to massive rushes of all types of love hormones.

But Kat’s mind was clear – clearer than it had ever been. She knew what she wanted and how very badly she wanted it…

All you have to do is reach out to him…
for
him.

All you have to do is make yourself vulnerable…to take a leap of faith.

All you have to do is trust him to catch you.

“Danny, can I talk to you for a minute?” Kat blurted.

When Danny’s eyes shot to hers, an inscrutable expression on his face, Kat cleared her throat. She opened her mouth, but nothing came out so she closed it and swallowed hard a few times.

Kat held his gaze, willing him to read her mind, despite knowing she was too closed-off to read. That she’d
always
been too closed off to read. She still tried her damndest, though, because the detached way he was staring at her was quickly become too horrible to bear.

Answer me!

Please!

Kat felt the tears fall, but didn’t bother wiping them away…allowing them to slip down and splash onto her white-knuckled hands folded in her lap.

The shallow breath she inhaled hitched on a quiet sob. “
Please, Danny…
” she pleaded softly and Danny flinched.

“Oh, uh, here…” Stella reached over and awkwardly lifted a fussy, squirming Gia out of Danny’s lap. “Why don’t you guys go talk in the spare room?” She handed Gia to Nathan and turned back to Danny, shoving at his shoulder.

Stella shot Kat a pointed glance. “Go on, Kat. Go talk to Danny in the spare room, okay?” When Kat didn’t move, because Danny wasn’t moving, Stella said, louder, “Get up and go in the spare room, you guys, okay?” She laughed nervously. “Before I make Nathan drag you both in there!”

When Nina and Fi both opened their mouths to butt in, Stella did a
zip it
motion across her lips and somehow, miraculously, shut them both up.

“Actually, I should probably get going,” Danny said, his eyes never leaving Kat’s.

“No, Danny, no! Not yet!” Gigi gestured wildly toward the kitchen. “We have all those cannolis and cream puffs for dessert! And I even picked up a mini Cassata cake for you, because I know it’s your favorite! And Nathan hasn’t opened his gifts yet!”

Danny glanced at Gigi and smiled stiffly. “Thanks, Gigi, but I really should go.” He pushed back his chair. “This was probably a mistake, all the way around.”

“
Danny, please talk to me…
” Kat whispered. He looked back at her, that same horrible, blank look on his face – so different from the way he’d looked at her for the past eighteen months – and her anxiety and desperation spiked.

“Please…I have to talk to you…just for a minute…” Kat paused, more tears falling. “Before you go…
please
…”

When Danny didn’t respond, Nathan pinched the bridge of his nose, head shaking. “Jesus
Christ
, Danny, please go fucking talk to her before I put my goddamn fist through something,” he gritted out.

Danny cleared his throat. “I think Kat and I said everything we needed to say to each other. More than once. I really don’t see any need to hash any of it out again.” He stood up and tossed his napkin onto the table before sidestepping his chair and pushing it in. He gripped the back of it, eyes still glued to hers, and quietly added, “So I think it’s best if we just say goodbye now, Kat, and leave it at that.”

A few seconds of awkward, stilted silence elapsed, during which every cell of Kat’s brain and body revolted against the thought of Danny taking so much as another step away from her – let alone him leaving the house…

The county. The state.

And the thought of him walking out of her life forever was totally incomprehensible. Absolutely intolerable.

“
Danny, I love you
,” she whispered, no longer caring about anyone or anything other than – for the first time since they’d known each other – telling this man the absolute truth.

Every bit of it. Even though it would hurt. Even thought it would be difficult. Even if embarrassed her.

She had to. Despite the agonizing humiliation and the sudden uncertainty of Danny’s response, Kat had to try. He had put himself out there again and again for her…this was the least she could for him. For them both. After everything she’d destroyed. Because of how much she wanted and needed his love.

Because of how very badly she wanted and needed to love him in return.

Kat held onto his eyes, despite the cold, wary way they were staring back at her. “
I love you and I’m sorry
,” she continued, tears still sliding down her cheeks and splashing onto her tightly clasped hands. “I messed everything up, I know that now.” Kat swallowed against the huge lump in her throat, her eyes pleading with his. “But I don’t know how to fix it. Tell me how to fix it, Danny.” Her voice caught when he flinched again. “Because I love you. And because I honestly can’t live another day without you.”

“
Bullshit
,” he shot back and it was Kat’s turn to flinch. “We both know that’s not true, so I can’t imagine why the fuck you’re saying it, Kat. You
never
loved me. You told me that, more than once. And you don’t love me now.” His eyes narrowed, head shaking in disbelief and probably disgust. “I don’t know if you’re lying because you feel guilty, because you don’t want your back-up plan and fuck buddy to leave, or because you just get off messing with my head – but I’m not listening to it anymore. Because I’ve had just about all I can take of your lies and mindfucks for one lifetime, Kat.”

“You know what, why don’t you give her a chance to explain?” Nina snapped, waving off Stella’s
zip it
movement and imploring look. “No, Stella! Before he goes off all half-cocked like a fucking asshole, maybe he should let her get more than two sentences out!” She turned her glare on Danny. “In private. Like a fucking gentleman. Because he knows how hard this shit is for her to say to begin with, let alone in front of everybody!”

“I’m not lying now, Danny,” Kat whispered, drawing his eyes away from Nina and back to her. “I was lying then. I didn’t mean anything I said when I broke up with you.” She searched his eyes, desperate for him to see the truth there. “And I think, deep down, you must know that…you must know that I love you. That I meant everything I said and that what we did…” Kat was shocked to find the flush spreading across her cheeks was all pleasurable memories and zero embarrassment. “That it meant everything to me, Danny. That
you
mean everything to me. You must know that.”

Danny scoffed. “I don’t know shit except you said you loved me and wanted to be with me forever one day and that you’d never loved me and I wasn’t good enough for you the next – all the while fucking my brains out, even after you’d decided you’d rather be with some other dude! That’s what I
know
, Kat!”

“Stella, I’m trying to stay out of it, like you said,” Fi gritted out, rubbing at her temples, eyes closed. “But I am about to lose it on him.”

Danny let go of the back of the chair, shoved his hands into the front pockets of his pants, and shrugged. “Don’t bother, Fi. And don’t worry, I’m done. And I’ll be leaving soon.”

He latched onto Kat’s eyes and she nearly cried out at the blankness she saw in his. Danny opened his mouth, but before he spoke, Kat was already struggling to stand up.

She couldn’t listen to him say good-bye. Wasn’t sure she’d physically and emotionally survive it. And because it would be one thing to know he’d gone, but an entirely different one to watch him go.

“I’ll leave,” Kat pushed to her feet and braced her hands on the edge of the table. “I need to go.”

Danny extended a hand toward her, backing up. “No, sit down, Kat. I’m leaving.”

She shook her head. “No…” Kat glanced back over her shoulder at Fi – who was already standing, arms extended to catch Kat should she have fallen backwards. “Grab my cane out of the bedroom, okay, Fi?” She took a few steps toward the front room, but felt her fatigued, adrenaline-fueled muscles weakening with each movement. Kat braced a hand against the wall separating the two rooms. “Hurry, please, okay?”

“
Kat…
” Danny said quietly, but she didn’t look back at him.

She couldn’t. Not now.

A few seconds later, her zebra cane in hand and a concerned look from Fi both received and ignored, Kat grabbed her jacket and purse and slowly made her way to the door.

Get out of here. Away from him. So you can process this. And think. And plan your next move.

But each step was a step away from Danny – from all the things she still needed to say, the things he needed to hear – and Kat found them difficult to take. Her body and mind were crying out at her to turn around and force him to listen to a full explanation before he made his final decision.

But Kat couldn’t do it.

Because you are a coward who’d rather turn tail and run rather than take the risk he won’t change his mind. After all the times Danny bravely put himself out there – mowing down any obstacles that might have stood in his way – you are running away.

Leaving him. Again.

Abandoning him. Again.

All in an attempt to keep yourself safe. Again.

Kat heard the jingle of keys behind her.

Nathan reached around her and pulled the front door open. “I’ll drive you home,” he said quietly.

Kat didn’t argue, because she was too overwhelmed and heartsick to. And she was probably too weak to drive, anyway. She nodded once, let Nathan help her out to the car, and promptly burst into tears.

‡

A
s soon as
the door closed behind Nathan, Nina snorted. “Well, you handled that like a real fucking champ, asshole.”

“Oh, for God’s sake, Nina, leave him alone.” When Danny turned back to face them, Gigi shot him an apologetic look. “Sorry, Danny.”

Fi flung an arm in his direction. “What the hell are you apologizing to
him
for!”

“Because, as usual, Nina is flying off the handle like a nut job. Much like I suspect you’re about to.” Stella looked at Danny, smiling wryly. “Although, I will say, you and Kat
have
managed to make quite a mess of things, haven’t you, Danny?”

He reared back. “What the hell did
I
do?”

“Uh, let’s start with you seducing our virginal sister!” Nina exclaimed. “And making her fall in love with you! And then trying to abandon her! How about that for starters, MacDonough?”

Danny’s jaw dropped. “How the fuck do you get
me
trying to abandon
her
out of this? All I’ve done – all I’ve
ever
done since the day I met her – is love her! And do everything I could to take care of her and keep her with me!”

“Then why the hell did you just destroy her? Why did you just reject her like that?” Fi demanded. “And, if you
love
her so much and
want
her so much, why in the
hell
are you moving to California?”

“I already explained that to you, Fi,” Stella said.

Fi scoffed, staring Danny down. “Yeah, some explanation. Kat gives you a little push away and your reaction is to run off to the Golden State to drink, screw, and do God-knows-what-else to nurse your broken heart while our sister falls apart back here all alone. That’s some love-filled plan, Danny!”

“She doesn’t want me, Fi!” Danny bellowed. “She doesn’t love me! And guess how I know that? Because she told me over and over and over! But, you know what, I
do
love her, so what the hell do you want me to do? Stick around here and beg some more? Eat my fucking heart out watching her go along on her merry way while I’m dying inside? Somehow manage to keep living after I see her with some other guy! No fucking way!”

Fi glanced around at her sisters, a smart-ass look of bewilderment on her face. “Was I…am I going crazy or…did I dream that whole scene a few minutes ago?” Her eyes latched onto Danny’s as she smacked her palm against the table. “Kat
just
said she loves you! That she can’t live without you! She apologized for screwing everything up, so what the hell is your problem?”

Danny scoffed. “That was all bullshit. She feels guilty. Stella probably told her how broken up I was and how worried Nathan was about me and it made her feel bad. Or maybe shit’s not working out with Ben the way she thought it would and she wants to pass some more time with me – I don’t fucking know! I can’t figure out what that woman is thinking to save my life! But I do know she doesn’t love me – because, if she did, she wouldn’t have…” Danny paused, his voice lowering and tightening. “I don’t know…strung me along like that. She wouldn’t have said all that horrible shit and then walked out on me. She wouldn’t have started up with
him…
” He shrugged, heartsick all over again just thinking about Kat with anyone else. Heartsick and jealous and so fucking lonely without her he could hardly breathe. “And she sure as hell wouldn’t have turned me down when I proposed.”