All of You (29 page)

“Your turn,” he said as he found my knees and
pulled them up and out to the sides forcing me to fall back on my
butt with a squawk. I was bare from the waist down and practically
spread-eagle on his bedroom floor. “Baby, can I look at you?” he
asked with his eyes still closed.

I didn’t answer. Lincoln kept his eyes closed
and moved his hand over the scars at the top of my thigh. “I won’t
look here. I just want to see this. To see you.”

I took a few deep breaths. Really this
shouldn’t be that difficult. The two of us had already done a great
deal with each other sexually. But even his touch against my
scarred skin was too new to me.

Despite his wonderful words and obvious
desire, I couldn’t get past my feelings of insecurity. I withdrew
from him both physically and emotionally. Our connection was
broken.

Pulling my legs together as best I could with
Lincoln in the way, I yanked at the bottom of my T-shirt and
attempted to cover myself and my scars.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” I mumbled and
scrambled away from him quickly, pulling the blankets down off the
bed and covering the naked part of my body with it.

I was slightly panicky and beginning to
hyperventilate as I sat back against his nightstand next to the
bed. I brought my knees up to my chest and buried my face in my
hands.

“Breathe, baby. Calm down. Deep, slow
breaths.” His voice sounded far away, and I lifted my head to look
at him. He was still on his knees on the floor, still completely
naked, still had his eyes closed.

Shame welled up inside me, and I dropped my
head back in my hands. I felt my eyes fill with burning tears. I
had royally fucked this up. Again. Why would Lincoln ever want me
when I couldn’t even let him love me? I felt a sob rising up in my
chest. God, could I be any bigger of a freak right now? This
amazing man was telling me I was beautiful and he wanted me, and
what did I do? I freaked out and ended up crying in a ball on the
floor. Yeah, that was attractive.

“Jillian, I need you to focus on breathing in
and out. Okay?” he said, sounding concerned. I looked up, still
gasping for breath. He still had his damn eyes closed, and he was
feeling around on the carpet searching for his pajamas. “Can I open
my eyes, baby?”

I sniffled. “Yeah…” I hugged myself and tried
to do what Lincoln said.

He opened his eyes and looked slightly
relieved when he saw me, taking deep breaths and trying to calm
myself. He found his pajama bottoms and pulled them on while
standing. Reaching down to the end of the bed, he grabbed something
and then crouched down next to me and held out my pajama bottoms
for me.

“Thanks,” I said as I took them from him with
one hand and rubbed my nose with the back of my other hand while
sniffling.

“Are you okay?” Lincoln asked as he sat down
next to me, close enough so our hips could touch through the
bedspread.

I didn’t know how to answer that. Yes,
physically I was fine. Emotionally? Not so much. I had just freaked
out on him. Clearly, I was not okay.

When I didn’t answer him he turned to me and
asked in a small voice, “Did I hurt you?”

“No,” I said adamantly. He put an arm over my
shoulder and cradled me, trying to provide comfort. “I’m sorry,
Lincoln,” I said.

“Stop,” he commanded. “It’s okay, Jillian. I
shouldn’t have pushed you.”

I sniffled. “No, it’s my fault. I ruined
everything. This is why I don’t deserve you, Lincoln. This is why
I’ll never be good enough for you. I can’t even be naked around
you. How are we ever going to make this work?” Big fat tears rolled
down my face.

“Goddammit,” Lincoln muttered under his
breath before scooping me up and lifting me off the floor. I
dropped my pajama bottoms and clutched at the comforter wrapped
around me.

He laid me on the bed and crawled in next to
me pulling me on my side against his chest. “You do not get to do
that. You are not giving up on us. I need you, all right? I
need
you. I cannot stand how you see yourself, how you talk
about yourself. It drives me insane to hear you say you aren’t good
enough for me.” I could see tears welling up in his eyes. “You are
the best thing that has ever happen to me, Princess. Better than my
family, better than my friends, better than hockey. You are so
precious.” He ran his hand over my head and down my hair. “You’re
so precious, baby. You can’t leave me.” I buried my face against
his chest. I didn’t want to leave him. I wanted to believe him. “If
you weren’t ready for me to see you, you could have just said so.
Just tell me next time. I won’t be mad or upset, okay?”

I pulled back from him and looked up at him
through my tears. “I will try to be better for you, Lincoln. You
deserve—”

“I swear to God, Jillian,” he interrupted me.
“If you say I deserve better than you, I—”

I put my hand on his mouth to stop him.
“Lincoln, no. That’s not what I was going to say.” He cocked an
eyebrow and waited for me to continue. “I was going to say, you
deserve to have someone make you happy. And I will try with every
fiber of my being to do that.”

“You already do, Princess. I was so happy to
find you in my bed last night. I’ve never been happier than when I
was watching you fall asleep in my arms.” He took a deep breath. “I
love you, Jillian.”

My eyes popped open wide with shock. He loved
me? He loved me. He loved me! Joy bubbled up inside me and my heart
felt like it was going to erupt. This amazing man loved me!

“I know we we’ve only known each other for a
little while, but I think I loved you the minute I saw you at the
parade. And I was done for the instant you rejected me.” He
chuckled but then turned serious. “I know you aren’t there yet, and
I don’t want to overwhelm you or scare you off, but I just needed
to tell you. I’m so lucky to have you in my life. You’re amazing,
Jillian.”

My eyes began to water again. Logically, I
knew I was worthy of his love. I tried to be a good person and make
the people around me happy, but I just never thought I could have
this kind of relationship.

“Don’t cry, Princess. I didn’t mean to make
you cry. I just want you to be as happy as you’ve made me.”

My breath hitched in my throat, and I snapped
out of my daze. “Oh I am, Lincoln!” I wrapped my arms around his
bare waist and pulled myself closer to him, tucking my head under
his chin and resting against his neck. I felt him sigh with relief
against my hair as his hands rubbed my back. “I never thought I’d
have a chance to feel this way. I can’t contain it. I want you to
know, every minute of every day that I love you too.”

I felt a shudder move through him before he
pushed back from me to look me in the eye. “Really?” he asked with
hope in his voice.

“Yes, of course. How could I not love you,
Lincoln? You’re amazing. You’re so smart and funny. And you know
exactly how to make me feel better when I’m upset. I miss you when
you are gone, and you make me so happy when I’m with you. You’re so
kind and caring.” I reached up and grasped his face. “You have to
understand that I never—NEVER—thought I’d be able to have a
relationship with someone. I never thought someone would accept all
of me. And then you came along and barreled into my life. And you
not only accept me, you call me beautiful—”

“I call you beautiful because you are
beautiful, Princess,” he interrupted me, and I smiled sweetly.

“Lincoln, my point is, yes, I’m overwhelmed,
and it is hard for me to believe you could love me when there’s so
many reasons not to. But I can’t ignore how I feel about you, and I
don’t want to anymore. I love you, Lincoln.”

His face softened as he peered into my eyes.
“There are no reasons not to love you. Loving you is the easy. It’s
convincing you to accept my love that’s difficult.”

I smiled sadly. I knew he was right.
Believing he loved me was the hard part. “That…might take some
time.” I admitted slowly.

“We got time, baby. Someday you’ll believe
me,”

“I love you,” I told him and stretched up to
kiss him lightly on the lips. It felt so good to tell him. To know
that it wasn’t just me that was in love. Even if I found it
difficult to believe he loved me.

He kissed me back. “I love you too, Princess.
More than you know.”

Chapter Nineteen

A day later, I found myself sitting in a box
suite at the United Center with my sister and Kennedy and Carter.
It was similar to the suite from which Lincoln and I had watched
the concert, only it was on the opposite side of the stadium,
directly across from where the Blackhawk players sat. I had a clear
view of the man I loved during the entire game, and I was so proud
of him for having scored the only goal for his team, which tied the
game.

The four of us sat on the edge of our seats
in the front row of the box. All of us were brimming with
excitement as we cheered on our team.

There was less than a minute left in the
game, and the defensemen for the Hawks madly tried to keep the puck
away from their goal. If no one scored in the last few seconds, the
game would go into overtime.

I tried to keep my eyes on the puck and watch
Lincoln at the same time. When Deacon made a breakaway with the
puck with a few seconds remaining on the clock, Rebecca, Kennedy,
Carter and I all jumped from our seats, cheering wildly.

Skating furiously toward the opposing team’s
goal with his teammates trailing behind him, Deacon deked to the
right as he approached the net. He did some fancy stick handling as
the goalie attempted to block the net to the right, only to end up
shooting to the left.

The puck sailed into the goal and the arena
exploded with fans going wild. Lights flashed around the stadium
and a siren went off, sounding the goal.

Rebecca and I threw our hands up and cheered,
jumping up and down and hugging Kennedy. Carter was a bit more
reserved, but even he was celebrating.

The roar of the fans was overwhelming as
Deacon skated around the net and back out to the middle of the ice
with his arms stretched out, pumping his fist in the air with
arrogance, knowing he had won the game.

I joined in the celebration, letting go of my
composure and shrieking along with the rest of the fans. It was so
exciting. The Hawks had won the game, and on Lincoln’s birthday no
less.

I was so proud and excited for him as I
watched him and his teammates surround Deacon, batting him on his
helmet and shoulder pads. I could feel the buzz of excitement in
the air. Tonight’s party was going to be fun.

Once the game officially ended, I rode with
Rebecca to Lincoln’s house, following behind Kennedy and Carter. I
was getting better at remembering how to get there, but the
secluded destination still left me guessing as to which turns to
take.

Tabitha was spending the night at her
grandmother’s, and both Rebecca and I were planning on staying the
night at Lincoln’s. I would have stayed the night anyway, but this
was a birthday party, and I knew Kennedy and Carter had bought
plenty of alcohol, so I convinced my sister to stay as well.

Lincoln and most of his teammates would be
arriving later. They still had to give interviews to the sports
reporters, shower and clean up from the game, and then have a team
meeting. But that gave us time to set up for the party.

People began to arrive slowly over the next
hour. Kennedy, Rebecca, and I were tending to the food and drink
while music played in the background. Despite it being the end of
January and close to freezing outside, Carter had started a bonfire
in the fire pit on Lincoln’s deck.

I was sitting on the counter in the kitchen,
picking at the food and sipping on my beer, when the front door
burst open. Deacon walked in, arms in the air with a smug grin on
his face. I could almost feel the arrogance rolling off him, but
instead of being annoying, I found it humorous. He had just scored
the game-winning goal, after all. I couldn’t fault him for being
proud of himself.

Deacon made his way to the kitchen and hugged
Kennedy and then me. “Hey, Jillian!” he said over the music.

“Hey, Deacon. Great job tonight! That was
incredible.”

“Don’t feed his ego too much, Princess. He’s
already annoying enough the way it is.” I heard Lincoln say from
behind Deacon.

I felt my heart swell at the sound of his
voice, and I pushed Deacon away from me as Lincoln stepped up to
hug me.

“Well, I don’t think you need to worry about
my ego after being brushed aside like that,” Deacon said, referring
to my rejection. “I couldn’t be more second rate next to that.”

Lincoln kissed me, and I giggled against his
lips. “Hi,” he said when he pulled back.

“Happy Birthday, baby!!” I replied with a big
smile, which he returned. “I’m so proud of you, Lincoln! That was a
great game!”

“May I remind you I’m the one that scored the
winning goal?” I heard Deacon grumble from behind Lincoln as he
kissed me. I pulled away from Lincoln and giggled again.

“Deacon, have you met my sister?” I said,
pointing at Rebecca. Deacon’s attention swung to Rebecca and his
face broke into a sly grin as he checked her out.

“Sister, hmm? I’m Deacon,” he said and
extended his hand. Rebecca took it and shook it while introducing
herself, but looked at me with a raised eyebrow. I shrugged and
focused my attention back to Lincoln who was standing between my
legs as I sat on the counter. His arms were wrapped around my
waist.

“Baby, are you wearing my jersey?” he asked
while stepping back to look me over.

I nodded and shrugged. “I bought it at the
souvenir shop before the game.”

“Let me see,” he said, taking my hand and
pulling me off the counter. As soon as my feet hit the floor, he
was spinning me with my hand above my head like a ballerina. “Fuck,
that is hot, baby.”