All of Me (18 page)

Stella watched,
with bated breath and shaking hands, as Nathan unholstered his gun and laid it
on the counter.  He undid his utility belt and put it next to the gun. 

“Might want to
keep that handy,” Stella joked.  Because she always made stupid jokes when she
was nervous and/or afraid.  At Nathan’s lifted brows, she added, “I’m a
brawler, remember?”

His eyes bored
into hers.  “I think I can handle you.”

Stella shivered at
the promise in his voice.
 

Oh, I know you
can.

Stella wanted to
jump on him.  Instead she asked, “Can you give me a tour?”

Nathan was as
effusive a tour guide as he was a conversationalist and the Grand Tour was over
in thirty seconds flat.  The rest of his house was as neat and austere as his
front room.  It looked like he’d purchased the builder’s model home and never
changed a thing.  There was nothing personal anywhere to be found – not a
picture, not knick-knack, not even a stinking piece of mail laying around. 

The whole scene
really made Stella sad.  Nathan was somehow an island, even in his own house. 
No connections, no feelings, and no one around. 

Stella thought of
what Gigi and Pops had told her about Nathan’s childhood.  She wanted to grill
him and interrogate him and ask him a million questions about himself and his
life. 

But it would have
to wait because, right now, she wanted to get as close to him as possible. 
She’d never met a person who needed closeness as much as this man did and that
was without even knowing most of the facts. 

Nathan might not
like what he saw and felt, but Stella would have to take that chance.  She’d
been rejected before and survived.  Never mind that rejection from Ryan
couldn’t hold a candle to what rejection from Nathan would do to her. 

He needs
you.   

And Stella needed
him.

She grabbed his
hand and slowly pulled him toward the bedroom he’d showed her. 

Chapter
Fourteen

It seemed wrong to
be here with Stella.  In a room where he’d screwed women he hadn’t really cared
about.  Hell, he hadn’t even known he was capable of caring about anyone before
he’d met her.

Stella climbed
into his bed and got up on her knees.  She crooked a finger at him and her
little smile nearly buckled his knees. 

His chest
tightened because she lit up the whole room.  Instead of feeling like a
showroom display at a department store, his bedroom suddenly felt alive. 
Stella had rumpled the sheets with her jump up there and his bed looked warm
and inviting.  With her in it.  On her knees.  Wild, dark hair around her
face.  Looking at him like that.  Like she couldn’t wait to sink her teeth into
him. 

Nathan shuddered. 

When Nathan didn’t
move, Stella scooted off the bed and came to him.  She smiled as she slowly
unbuttoning his uniform shirt. 

Remembering what
was beneath the tee shirt beneath the uniform shirt, Nathan grabbed her wrists
gently.

They had to do
this in the dark or not at all.  It’s the way he’d always done it and the only
way he’d do it.

Nathan walked over
to the lamp next to his bed that Stella had turned on.  He switched it off and
turned back to her.  The room wasn’t completely dark.  There was moonlight
streaks coming in through his blinds and the hallway light was on, but it was
dark enough to get the job done.

Unfortunately,
when Nathan went to embrace Stella, she smacked his hands away.  “What’s
wrong?”

“Why did you turn
that light off, Nathan?  Tell the truth!” 

“Uh, because
that’s how people usually do this,” he said, with what he hoped was some
authority. 

Stella scoffed. 
Loudly.  “Yeah.  Right.”  She shook her head.  “You coward.  Just be honest
with me.  I’d respect that a lot more.”

She must have seen
more of his body than Nathan remembered.  He’d been certain she hadn’t noticed
anything weird because both times the sex had been very quick and very little
clothing had been removed.  But obviously Stella
had
noticed stuff and
was now irate that Nathan wanted to keep his shit to himself.  Which really
pissed him off. 

“I don’t see you
whipping off your clothes in front of me either,” he shot back. 

Stella’s anger
morphed into confusion.  “What do you mean?”

“You’re coming at
me because I don’t want you to see shit that’s going on with my body, but
you’re playing the same game.”

“I
was
talking about my body.”  She eyed him.  “What’s going on with your body that
you don’t want me to see?”

Well, shit.
 

Not like this
conversation wasn’t going to happen eventually anyway.  Nathan couldn’t have
kept his clothes on every time they were intimate.  And apparently Stella
wasn’t into doing it in the dark, which is how Nathan had typically kept at
least most of his damage a secret before.

But she’d thought
he was turning the light off because of
her
scars and that made him
sick.

Nathan switched
the lamp back on and approached a wide-eyed Stella.  She put her hand up to
touch his chest and Nathan allowed it because he was still fully dressed.

He lowered his
lips to hers.  With a soft sigh, Stella wrapped a hand around the back of
Nathan’s neck and pulled him closer.  Nathan let Stella control the pace of
their kissing and she seemed very happy to let him devour her mouth slowly. 
Tenderly. 

With another
mind-fucking sigh, she melted against him; snaking both arms around his neck
and pressing her body into his.  Nathan found the hem of her little white tee
shirt and lifted it slowly. 

Stella squirmed
away.  “I…I-“  She stepped backward and laughed shakily.  “I don’t know if I’m
ready for that Nathan.  And I
really
don’t think you’re ready for it.”

Nathan had no idea
where in the hell the words came from, but suddenly they were there.  “I need
to see you.  I am dying to get my hands and my mouth on you. 
All
of
you.” 

His heart broke at
her wince because he knew exactly how she felt.  And, yes, he was the biggest
hypocrite on earth because he had no intention of letting her see him, but
her
scars were nothing to be ashamed of.  They were badges of honor.

“You’ve never seen
anything like this, Nathan.  It’s…”  Stella shook her head, choking up.  “It’s
jarring.  Even for people who are used to seeing bad stuff.”

Like your
asshole ex-boyfriend.

Nathan made a
mental note to seriously fuck that guy up.

“I know what a
mastectomy scar looks like because I looked it up.”  At her surprised look, he
shrugged.  “I never knew anyone who had one before.  I was curious.”

Tears fell down
each cheek.  “So you know how hideous it is?”

“Actually, I
didn’t think it was hideous at all,” he answered truthfully.  “It looked
painful and like something no one should have to go through, but the scars
themselves were really no big deal.”

“It’s different in
person,” Stella whispered, wrapping her arms around her midsection.  “And my
surgery was only six months ago, so the scar is really vivid still.”

Nathan thought of
a phrase his mother used to say to him sometimes, on her good days:  “Bless
your little heart.”  He hadn’t thought about it since her death, but that’s exactly
how he felt about Stella – standing there so strong and vulnerable and
terrified Nathan was going to judge her.  Reject her.  Walk out on her.  And
yet she was still here, hanging tough.

Bless your
little heart.

Nathan locked eyes
with her.  “I need to see you, Stella.  I want to and I need to.  I know you
have no reason to trust me and that I am asking a great deal of you.  But,
please, Stella…”  Nathan lifted her shirt slowly…over her hip, over her
stomach…when the shirt grazed over her chest area, Stella’s eyes squeezed
shut.  Nathan pulled the shirt over her head and tossed it aside. 

She was wearing a
leopard print bra that made him want to smile.  The right breast was there, but
in the left cup was a round, light colored thing.  Stella winced as Nathan
pulled it out of the cup and examined it. 

It was a squishy,
half-circle insert.  He tossed it on top of her shirt on the floor.

Stella’s eyes were
squeezed so tight it was miracle tears were still able to get out…but they
did.  Her face was tear-streaked and flushed…beads of perspiration had broken
out across the top of her lip.

Stella’s breathing
was very rapid and shallow and her entire body was trembling.  He wasn’t sure
he’d ever seen a human being so terrified and he’d done four tours in Afghanistan.

Nathan pushed her
right bra strap down her arm.  When he went to do the other one, Stella pulled
back.  “No, Little One.  No more hiding.”  Conveniently, her bra hooked in
front, so all Nathan had to do was unclasp it and all of Stella’s secrets would
spill out.

Nathan could
hardly wait to know this part of her.  He was shaking nearly as badly as Stella
– panting and sweating too. 

He caressed face. 
“Open your eyes, Stella.  I want you to watch me…”  Her eyes opened slowly. 
The tear soaked eyelashes framing those gypsy eyes
hurt
.  Nathan gently
gripped her chin.  “I want you to watch me.  Because I want you to see how
beautiful I think you are.  The expression on my face when I see how incredible
you look.”

“Oh, Nathan…I
think you’re going to be very disappointed.”  Her voice caught on a sob.  “And
I don’t think I can bear to see that awful look on your face.  I’ve seen it
before and I don’t think I can see it again.  Not from you.  It would hurt too
much.”

Nathan almost
backed down.  Because he had his own secretes and he understood all too well
the importance of keeping those secrets.  But he was a selfish bastard and
Stella’s scars were nothing to be ashamed of.  And like he’d said, he needed to
see all of her…to taste all of her.

“Am I anything
like the last person who saw this part of your body?”  Nathan hooked his finger
over her clasp and hesitated. 

Stella shook her
head with such vehemence Nathan smiled.  With a quick flick of his fingers, her
clasp popped open and his breath caught.

Stella tried to
cover her scar, but Nathan grabbed her wrist – leaving her exposed.  To his
gaze.  To his scrutiny and judgment.

He’d asked that
she watch him.  She hadn’t planned on granting that particular request, but
Stella found she couldn’t take her eye off of his face.  Good or bad, she
needed to gauge his reaction so she could immediately plan her next move. 

Stella knew the
scar by heart.  It had taken a while for her to look at it, but once she had,
she’d been obsessed.  Her philosophy had been to stare at it until it no longer
had the power to shock or to hurt her.  The plan had worked, but all of the old
feelings came up as she imagined seeing it through Nathan’s eyes.

She’d come here
planning to make love to him again.  Stella had known in the back of her head
this confrontation had been a possibility.  She had hoped maybe it would be
like last time…that they would be so desperate to come together that the
removal of clothing wouldn’t be an issue. 

Or he could have
purposefully avoided taking her shirt off, which would have crushed Stella and
ended any possible sexual situation anyway.

No, this had been
coming.  But now that it was here, Stella wasn’t sure she could handle it. 

But if Nathan was
disgusted by her chest, he deserved an Academy Award.  Stella studied his face
as he studied her body and all she saw was a detached examination of her
missing breast followed by a hungry gaze at her still present one.  With a
little shake, Nathan brought his attention back to her scar.

He slowly, gently
traced it with his fingertip.  It was the first time anyone besides Stella or
her sisters had touched it and she immediately started crying.

The human touch –
his
touch – against that very raw, intimate, symbolic part of herself was
overwhelming.

Nathan’s whiskey
eyes found hers.  “Did I hurt you?”  When Stella shook her head, he exhaled. 
“It just feels weird to have someone touch it?”

She nodded. 

“Can I tell you
what I really think?”  Stella nodded again, not sure if she really wanted him
to.  Her breath caught when he said, “I think it’s amazing.  I think you look
like a goddamned warrior.”  He traced her scar again, thoughtfully.  “That’s a
battle scar and something you should be proud of.” 

Stella curled her
fingers into the front of his shirt to keep her knees from giving out when he
lowered his head to her chest.  The feel of his warm breath against her skin
was almost more than Stella could take. 

“I’d like to kiss
you there, Stella.” She gasped as his lips came dangerously close to her scar. 
“Tell me I can, Stella.  I need to.”

There it was
again…that sexy begging.  Only this man could make wanting to kiss her
mastectomy scar sound hot.

She nodded her
consent and Nathan pressed his lips to her scar.  He nuzzled it a bit before
moving his mouth to the other side, to her breast.  Stella gasped as he took
her nipple into his warm, wet mouth.  She clutched his head.  “Oh, God,
Nathan…”

“You are so
beautiful,” he whispered against her breast; his breath against her wet flesh
causing an entire body shiver.  “The sexiest woman I’ve ever seen.”  One hand
caressed her flat chest while the other curled around a chunk of her hair at
the base of her head.  He tugged it gently, exposing her neck to his mouth. 
Nathan nuzzled her neck, kissing along her jugular until he reached her
earlobe.