All My Life (30 page)

Whenever I get some type of news that surprises me or that initially feels like an unexpected bend in the road, I often think of the lyric’s to Johnny Mercer’s song “Accentuate the Positive.”

We all have choices in life, especially when it comes to how we respond to change. You can travel down the really dark path of wallowing in your discomfort or you can venture outside your comfort zone, learning, growing, and gaining as you go—something I’ve learned to do over the years. I’ve found myself, on occasion, in professional situations that test my patience, tolerance, and understanding of people who’ve taken the other path. I don’t always comprehend the things these people say and do. In those circumstances, I can take other people’s decisions personally and even feel bad about their comments and actions. But more often than not, I try to cut them slack, take them at their word, and go toward the light—it’s a much better route.

Before I won my Emmy, I appeared on a talk show, and out of the blue, the hostess asked me if I was bitter.

Bitter?

We had been talking about my career when she lobbed this strange question my way. We weren’t talking about not winning the Emmy or I think I would have understood where that question was coming from. So much went through my mind in the split second before answering. I just sat there on national television trying to deflect the question without really understanding what she meant. There was no place to go except to say, “No. I am not bitter.” I thought about it for some time afterward and realized that she was definitely talking about my career—which she obviously viewed, by her own measure, as something to be bitter about.

The hostess was shocked by my response because I think she was truly expecting me to say that I was bitter. Instead, all I could think about was how grateful I was for all of the blessings and opportunities I had in my life as a result of playing Erica Kane and for the success of All My Children.

There was absolutely no point in trying to defend myself over something I didn’t think warranted a defense. I didn’t want to make things any more awkward than they already were. I wanted to give this woman the benefit of the doubt, with hope in my heart that maybe the question wasn’t meant the way it sounded. It has taken me years to understand that people often project their own feelings onto others. More times than not, those types of statements aren’t about you; they’re about the person saying them. I learned that lesson a long time ago during the yogurt incident in the control room.

Looking back on my career, I believe that I kept my job for more than forty years because I truly love playing the part of Erica Kane. I recognize that it’s a treasure and that a part like this doesn’t come down the pike every day. And, as a result of my years on All My Children, I’ve been able to have a broader career—singing in night clubs, starring on Broadway, guest-hosting talk shows, dancing competitively, and so much more, all in addition to playing a part that I love.

In contrast to the opinion of that talk-show host, there are many people who would love to have a career and experiences like mine. We all have different ideas about what the ideal is when we first come to this business full of hope and ambition. Over time we experience surprises and our vision of the ideal changes. Few of us imagine our careers at the start being what they ultimately become. As grateful as I am for my career, without a crystal ball I could not have fantasized about it going exactly as it has. When most actresses truly allow themselves to dream, Meryl Streep’s career is the one we probably all fantasize about. Although I’ve never met Meryl, she certainly represents an actor’s actress. I remember seeing an interview with her when she was promoting Out of Africa. She was on a different continent for eleven months making that film. My husband was watching with me and could see the wheels turning in my head as I imagined what playing a role like that might be like. Who wouldn’t love to work with the finest directors of our time, stand next to the most talented film actors and actresses, and have the opportunity to truly stretch their wings in that way? But before I could say a word, Helmut turned to me and said, “You’re not cut out for that.” And I knew he was right. At the time I hadn’t even done a movie for television, let alone shot a feature film halfway around the world! Our children were very young. Liza was five and had just started kindergarten and Andreas was a baby. I could not have taken the separation from family for even a month, to say nothing of eleven. From everything that I’ve heard, Meryl Streep is a fantastic human being, a wonderful mother, and I subsequently read that she made plenty of provisions to be with her children throughout her career. But few people have the ability to give their all to both their craft and their family to the degree that she clearly has. While I remain inspired by so many other actresses’ work to this day, I decided a long time ago that it was important to stick to my own path and make it the very best one it could be.

When I did film, I enjoyed the process very much. It was such a luxury to be able to do take after take until a scene was just right. Working in daytime doesn’t allow that type of freedom because our shooting schedule demands that we cover so much material in a very short time. We shoot our scenes with three cameras in very limited space. I especially loved doing the film Double Edge because I got to play two characters. I was a police officer who was the ex-wife of a detective, played by the very handsome and talented Robert Urich. The other character I played in the movie was an assassin. The two women were not supposed to be related—they weren’t evil twins; they were just two people who happened to look somewhat alike.

The director wanted to make sure they didn’t resemble each other too much, though, so I spent a lot of time in hair and makeup changing up my look while developing different mannerisms and speech patterns for each of the characters. I thought we did a really good job of convincing the viewer that they were two different people.

Anastasia, the made-for-TV miniseries, was another very memorable movie experience. Amy Irving played the lead and I was cast in a supporting role as Princess Darya Romanoff, part of the Romanoff family who fled Russia before the revolution and relocated to New York. When I read the script, I was thrilled because I thought my scenes would be shot in New York. Since none of the other movies I had been in were shot there, I thought it was going to be a fun and different way to experience my own city. It turned out, though, that the producers didn’t want to shoot the film there after all. No, they wanted to shoot all of my scenes in Vienna! I can’t say that I was all that disappointed, because I love Vienna, and of course, my husband is from Austria, so it was a going-home of sorts for him.

I loved playing the princess. I did a lot of research on the Romanoffs before starting the movie. I wanted to understand the time period and the wardrobe. The costume designer shopped all over Europe to find the perfect vintage clothing for the cast. She had a wonderful eye and all of her choices were absolute perfection.

Amy Irving and I got along very well. We often ran our lines in her trailer between scenes. Everything about the movie was magical, from the camaraderie on the set to the location to the music that was created for the film. It was a wonderful experience that I will always treasure.

And speaking of treasures, a favorite souvenir from one of my first films for television is a black fedora given to me by the amazing Tony Curtis, who played my character’s father, Sam Giancana, in the movie Mafia Princess. I loved making that movie. Tony was spectacular to work with. He was a real actor. He loved working on scenes, keeping them very alive and present. Each take was equal to the first take. And while each take might have been a little bit more nuanced, it was never anything less than everything.

Both of us were aged throughout the movie, which was really interesting and fun. I went from being fourteen to being in my mid-forties and Tony went from being a young man to an old man. Tony accomplished this using very little makeup. Instead he changed his hair and his hat, which somehow made him look older. The fedora he wore for most of the movie was synonymous with his character. When we wrapped, Tony signed the inside of the hat and presented it to me as a memento of our time together. I will cherish that hat forever, now more than ever since Tony passed away in September 2010.

Whenever I was on location doing a film, Helmut, who has a great feeling for architecture and detail, would find a reason to take on a new project in our house. I never knew about any of his undertakings until I returned home. It didn’t matter if I was gone for three days or three weeks. When I got back, there was always something new. One of the most shocking of those projects was when Helmut decided to take every award, certificate of appreciation, magazine cover, and photo of me with famous people and friends, along with countless other mementos we had collected over the years and put them up on the walls in our basement. It was wild to walk down the steps and suddenly come face-to-face with a visual summary of several decades of my professional career.

As I stated earlier, I’ve never been one to look back at my work, admire my awards, or clip newspaper articles that mention my name, but I will admit that it was moving to see what Helmut had done. Looking at my nineteen Emmy nominations framed and nailed to the wall made that journey all too real. There was my People’s Choice Award, the first ever given to a daytime actor, perfectly placed on a table beneath the Emmy nominations, which was right next to the Soap Opera Digest Award I received in 1993.

There was the award given to me from the American Academy of Achievement, an organization that puts together 350 of the top high school students in the country with leaders in their respective fields for a wonderfully informative and interactive weekend. Oprah Winfrey called me personally to urge me to do this event.

My children were at the kitchen table eating dinner one night when the phone rang. Liza answered the call. A moment later, she screamed, “Mommy! Oprah Winfrey is on the phone!” She was excited. And to be perfectly candid, so was I.

Really?

Oprah?

“For me?” I said.

It was really Oprah calling to say she had recommended me to the American Academy of Achievement and hoped that I would truly consider being a part of their event.

“Don’t toss this one aside. It’s a really good event for a very special cause. I did it last year and the people you will meet from every field are extraordinary,” she convincingly said. And it turned out that she was right.

Audrey Hepburn, George Lucas, Martin Scorsese, Barbara Walters, Dizzy Gillespie, Oscar de la Renta, Calvin Klein, Colin Powell, and General Norman Schwarzkopf were all a part of the weekend gathering. One of the most incredible moments for me during this weekend was listening to Martin Scorsese speak about his career and influences. He gave so much generous commentary on his life. He is witty, articulate, and very down to earth. Dizzy Gillespie also spoke while reading from a yellow legal pad filled with notes. He didn’t appear to be terribly comfortable at first. I have no idea if those were his own notes or if someone helped prepare them. He finally decided to put the pad down and just speak to us from his heart. As he began to open up his voice became like an instrument—one he played with such finesse and poise. He spoke in musical notes and although he expressed himself using those notes more than words, I understood everything. There was a fabulous mix of people who lectured and spent time with these kids, sharing their thoughts on their careers and hopes for them. I am so grateful to Oprah for thinking of me for this very memorable and special opportunity and even more so for encouraging me to attend, as I also had the chance to soak in the advice and messages of those who spoke.

As I continued to look around the basement, I had the chance to walk farther down memory lane. I saw all of the fantastic framed photos of celebrities I’d met over the years scattered around. Some even appeared on All My Children. Helmut framed one of my all-time-favorite keepsakes from the show—Tom Murphy and Warren Buffett’s uncashed paychecks for appearing as guests. At the time Tom Murphy was the CEO of Capital Cities ABC, which was the parent company of our network. Agnes Nixon was friendly with him, so she wrote him into one of her scripts. Apparently, Warren Buffett is also good friends with Tom, and when he got wind that Tom was appearing on the show, he said that he, too, wanted to do it. So Agnes wrote more scenes and they both appeared as financial advisers to Erica.

There was also a beautifully framed personal photo of my television mother, Fra Heflin, who passed away on June 1, 1994. Fra’s husband, Sol, had died from lung cancer two years earlier. He was a heavy smoker. Fra wasn’t, but she was diagnosed with lung cancer, too. The only explanation was that she got sick from secondhand smoke.

Even when Fra was dying in her hospital bed at Sloan-Kettering in New York, she would call in to say she wasn’t going to make it to rehearsals. She was just an incredible woman. When she passed, her daughter Mady gave me one of her mother’s cameos, which I shall always treasure.

I remember going to Fra’s funeral. Her family generously asked me to say a few words. I was matched up with Fra from the very beginning of All My Children. We played so many scenes together over the years. I literally grew up with her. I knew she would be missed, but I had no idea how hard it would be to go on without her presence on the set. When we had to shoot Mona’s funeral scene for the show, my grief rose to the surface. Although my own mother was still alive, I really felt the loss of my television mother. I was missing Fra so much that I had a real and genuine source of emotion to draw on. Later that night I drove out to the beach house. My parents were there visiting for a few days. When I walked through the door, I remember throwing myself into my mother’s arms, breaking down and crying. I was so sad that Fra was gone and so grateful that I still had my mother.

Also on the basement wall was a wonderful photo of Carol Burnett, who was a big fan of the show and the first major star to make a guest appearance on All My Children, joining the cast as Verla Grubbs, the long-lost daughter of Langley Wallingford. Carol was an avid watcher of the show who rarely, if ever, missed an episode. When Carol heard that several cast members were in Los Angeles to do a game show a few years ago, she invited us to her home before the taping. Ruth Warrick, Peter Bergman, and I decided to take her up on the offer.