All My Life (12 page)

Erica felt abandoned by everybody, as no one took her side, not even her mother. Even though Mona was angry about Erica’s decision to terminate her pregnancy, she also knew that much like the first time Erica became pregnant, she was still too much of a child herself to take care of a baby. Mona was able to talk to Jeff about Erica’s logic, even if she didn’t agree with it and convinced him to give her daughter a second chance.

Erica’s decision to terminate her pregnancy was extremely controversial. The country was very divided on the issue of abortion and our show was the first to openly tackle the topic, which brought about a lot of discussion. Pro-lifers and Pro-choicers both criticized the story line. As someone who was a part of it all, I had my share of challenges, and the biggest one was that I was actually pregnant when the story began to unfold. I didn’t tell anyone because it was too early to share the good news. I wanted to wait until I was past the first trimester.

Early in my fourth month, Helmut and I decided to take a vacation to the Bahamas for a few days. When we arrived, I felt like I might be coming down with the flu. My whole body ached and I was gradually developing a lot of pain in my abdomen. Unable to do much of anything, I encouraged Helmut to play a round of golf while I rested.

By the time he returned to the hotel, I was doubled over in pain and the only place I wanted to be was lying on the cold tiles of the bathroom floor. Helmut could see that I had to get to a doctor, and fast. He called the front desk to ask for the address of the nearest emergency room. They sent us to a private hospital in Nassau that wasn’t too far from the hotel. I remember the outside of the building was pink stucco and the bars of soap in the facility came from the various hotels on the island.

It was obvious that I was having a miscarriage. I was in terrible pain, but I didn’t want to show it while we sat in the waiting room. I did my best to put on a brave front, but Helmut and I both knew what was happening. We didn’t need to talk about it. The doctors immediately performed a D&C, which was a very uncomfortable procedure. The worst pain, however, was in my shattered heart because I had been very much looking forward to becoming a mother.

We caught the next flight back to New York, where there was a terrible ice storm pounding the metropolitan area. As the plane began its approach into JFK, it made a sudden and unexpectedly sharp drop. I had never experienced anything like that before. When it happened, I was walking back to my seat from the bathroom. As the plane quickly dipped, my head hit the ceiling and I was thrown to the ground. I remember thinking that if I hadn’t had a miscarriage in Nassau, I most likely would have had one on the plane from the impact of that fall. When I made it back to my seat, I noticed a pretty flight attendant sitting next to my husband. The turbulence was so bad that she’d grabbed the first available seat—next to Helmut. I took one look at her and thought, If this plane is going down, I’m the one who’s going down with Helmut—get out of my seat! There wasn’t an ounce of Erica in that thought—that was all me!

Thankfully, we landed safely. My mother met us at the airport to help in any way she could. A few days later, I saw my personal physician, who told me the pregnancy had been fine, but he thought I wasn’t getting enough folic acid in my diet, which may have caused the miscarriage. Of course, today most pregnant women take a folic-acid supplement along with prenatal vitamins, but back then, we didn’t have this knowledge. I had no way of knowing that I could have prevented the loss.

In an ironic twist, after leaving my doctor’s office, Helmut and I were walking down Fifth Avenue in New York City when a woman approached us. She looked at me and then turned to Helmut and said, “What’s the matter with you? This woman just had an abortion! She should be back in the hospital, she’s sick!” Of course, she had no idea what we had actually just been through. She was referring to Erica and the story she obviously was watching unfold on the show.

I felt a great sense of loss for our unborn child that seemed to linger for months. At home, Helmut and I privately mourned, while I did the best I could at work each day, shooting the emotionally charged scenes surrounding Erica’s abortion.

I never shared the details of my miscarriage with anyone on the set, including Agnes. I made a decision very early in my career to leave personal baggage at home and to use that emotion only when it was essential to my work. I always closely guarded the private details of my life, which meant no one ever really knew what was happening behind my closed doors.

I have been asked many times in interviews and by fans if I had a problem doing the abortion story line. I didn’t. First and foremost, when I read the script, I really believed that those words, in the context of the character of Erica Kane, were exactly right. I never thought about how I felt—only about whether or not the story was right for Erica. Still, there were many times after the story aired that I remember going places where people stared at me in judgment.

“There goes that Erica Kane! Imagine, she had an abortion!” The tsk-tsks were audible everywhere. The ongoing comments followed me from the sidewalks of Manhattan to elevators in office buildings. I wasn’t even safe in church. I remember going to confession one day in my hometown. I was seated in the pews saying my penance and there were people down the row and in the pew in front of me. As I continued, they were whispering loud enough for me to hear.

“Oh my God!”

“Can you believe she is praying?”

“I’m disgusted.”

I wanted to remind those women that I didn’t have an abortion—my fictitious character did. They weren’t judging the character I play—they were judging me, the actress. I always thought there was no safer place to be oneself than in church. Their judgmental comments didn’t stop me from going, but they didn’t make it easy either.

Interestingly, during the writing of this book, Agnes told me that at the time there was an additional controversy surrounding this story line that I knew nothing about. Many fans thought Erica was the wrong character to have the abortion because she was already the bad girl in town. It wasn’t all that far-fetched for her to have made such a decision. Thousands of people wrote in saying that they thought it made more sense for Nurse Mary Kinnecott, the resident good girl who had grown close to Jeff when Erica had deceived him, to be faced with such a big decision. This angle certainly would have been very compelling, but it didn’t end up playing out that way. I was glad to have had the opportunity to be a part of this landmark story line, as it set a precedent for many more important stories to come, all of which I would gratefully and fearlessly take on and make my own.

Aside from the abortion and miscarriage stories, there were other story lines over the years that mirrored, to some degree, and even paralleled things that happened in my life. For example, Agnes didn’t know that I had gone through a windshield at the age of nineteen when she decided that Erica would suffer a terrible disfiguring accident. She was bandaged similarly to how I was bandaged during my many months of recovery. My experience served me well, because once again, I could draw upon very personal events and bring those emotions to the character.

I was told very early in my training that the biggest secret to Method acting was that you can’t remember an emotion per se, but you can remember the circumstances surrounding all of the things that happen in your life. This can include songs, smells, places, words—anything the mind retains—because those details are what help bring the memories and emotions flooding back. Look, life happens, so we may as well place those events, good and bad, somewhere that eventually helps us get through whatever else life brings in the future. This is just as good advice for an aspiring actor as it is for the rest of us who like to live life to its fullest and greatest potential every day.

Erica got to do so many fun things over the years. Since many were done in real time, I had the chance to experience these amazing events, too. When Erica landed her talk show, New Beginnings, for instance, she learned to pitch a baseball in Yankee Stadium and shoot hoops with the New York Knicks, all while wearing high heels! She rang the opening bell at the NASDAQ, which was simulcast on their giant electronic billboard in Times Square, and was hoisted on the shoulders of the players on the New Orleans Saints, including Archie Manning, after shooting a commercial in the Superdome for her Enchantment cosmetics line.

From All My Children to All of My Children

It was mid-1974 when I joyfully discovered that I was once again pregnant. This time I wanted to let the producers of All My Children know as soon as possible so I could be extra cautious with my and the baby’s health. I wasn’t sure how they would take the news. But before I could phone the proper people, I received a call from Agnes. She told me she was getting ready to write a story for Erica in which Erica suffers a miscarriage after becoming pregnant with her soon-to-be second husband, Phil Brent.

I was stunned when Agnes delivered this news. She didn’t know about my actual miscarriage and had just been made aware that I was newly pregnant, so naturally she was concerned about how this story line might impact my emotional state. I was very touched by her thoughtfulness but assured her I could do it. At first, I didn’t think I would have any issues playing this story line. I had great faith and respect for Agnes’s work. I knew she would examine some of the same emotions I had gone through, and thought maybe it would speak to other women who have suffered a miscarriage. In many ways I was the best person to take on this challenge. I also trusted in my skill as an actress to compartmentalize Erica’s emotions from my own enough to do the job and still see my new pregnancy through.

My original audition scene for the role of Erica revolved around the very handsome and desirable Phil Brent coming to Erica’s house to tutor her in math. Erica didn’t care the least bit about math, but she definitely had eyes for Phil, who was dating Tara Martin, Erica’s nemesis throughout high school. The rivalry between Erica and Tara went on for years. In fact, it wasn’t until Karen Lynn Gorney, the actress who played Tara, left the show that Erica and Phil were finally free to begin dating.

Phil was originally played by Richard Hatch. In the early days, Phil and Tara were the show’s fabulous young ingenue couple. When Karen left All My Children, Richard was written out of the show by sending his character off to Vietnam to fight in the war. When Phil returned from Vietnam in 1973, he came back to Pine Valley as a severely injured soldier. His whole head and face were bandaged so no one could see what he looked like. Of course, when his bandages were removed, it was evident that Phil was being played by a new actor, Nick Benedict.

This Phil looked very different from the original. He was taller yet still very handsome. It would have been a challenge for any actor to replace Richard Hatch, as he had made quite an impression as the originator of the part. Somehow, though, Nick was able to fill those shoes and get audiences to accept him as the new Phil. That was not an easy task, but he accomplished it with ease and loads of talent. Nick was a sweetheart to work with and very kindhearted. In the end, I think Erica married Phil because she saw him as the “one who got away.” Unfortunately, he was more of a trophy for Erica than a husband.

In the beginning, Phil didn’t take the relationship quite as seriously as Erica did. He was flattered by her attention and was very attracted to her, but he wasn’t in love with her. As for Erica, she was merely on a never-ending quest to collect men. When Erica realized that she and Phil weren’t really meant to be, she was pregnant with his child. Despite her condition, she ended the affair without telling Phil about the baby. She contemplated another abortion, thinking that was the only sensible choice for her. But before she could terminate the pregnancy, Phil somehow discovered that she was carrying his baby. Much to her surprise, he was ecstatic over the good news, so much so that instead of leaving, he convinced Erica to marry him.

Ever in search of true love and a perfect family life, Erica got swept up in the fantasy of what their life together could be. Sadly, Phil seemed to want Erica to be something she couldn’t be—domestic and in the house at all times—so their happiness didn’t last very long. Shortly after their wedding, Erica suffered a miscarriage. She became so distraught by her loss that she had a nervous breakdown. Phil committed Erica to a mental hospital so she could properly heal from her loss and broken heart.

Although Erica lost her baby early on in her pregnancy, I continued to grow with every passing month of mine. I gained thirty-three pounds, which isn’t a lot for most women, but on my nearly five-foot-two-inch frame, it was significant. With this particular pregnancy, the additional weight was distributed all around my body, which made covering up my growing belly, bottom, and hips on the show a real challenge. The director did whatever he could to have me sitting in bed during my shots. He cleverly cut out a hole in the bottom of the mattress so my rear end could rest inside, making my tummy look flat. The prop department strategically placed pillows all around me under the covers to even out the whole look. They often gave me a half-eaten box of chocolates (the crew was happy to help me out with that!) to make it look like Erica was “stuffing” her emotions and therefore gaining a little weight. When I wasn’t in bed, I was shot holding an oversize clutch purse, and then an open menu, and finally seated behind a chair and wherever else they could creatively hide my expanding profile.

Clearly, I had a lot of personal experience to draw on for the miscarriage story line. As we got deeper into the plot, things became more emotionally demanding. I instinctively put up a protective wall around my baby and was willing to go only just so far with the emotions because my unborn baby was my priority. I tried my best to do a good job, but only in ways that I was sure wouldn’t hurt the baby.

When I was pregnant with my firstborn child, my father came to talk to me about something very serious. It was a hot summer day, so we decided to sit outside, but in the shade.

“Maybe it’s time to settle down, Susan,” he said.

The words settle down have always made me cringe a little, especially since I knew my father was speaking about giving up my career. He made it clear that although he supported me in my desire to be a professional actress, his preference was for me to stay home and have lots of babies. If he had his way, I would have gotten married and filled up the pews in church with children. He made no secret about those wishes. I often told my father that acting was all I had wanted to do for as long as I could remember. All of those times I sang, danced, and made up stories as a little girl and acted out all of the parts, I was being who I was right down to my toes.

My father and I talked for a while before I said to him, “What if this baby is a little girl, Daddy?” I chose not to know the gender of my unborn child, so I had no idea if I was carrying a boy or a girl when I said that. “Am I going to tell her to dream her dreams but only until she’s twenty-five?” I was hurt and confused by my father’s wishes because they were so inconsistent with my own. My dreams were to have it all. I didn’t want to give up my career to have children and I didn’t want to give up having children for my career. That is my both/and philosophy in a nutshell. And although my children would always be my priority without question, I always felt I would be able to do both.

Regardless of how my father felt, I chose to follow my dreams, something I would not have been able to do without all the love, care, and encouragement I received from my parents as a little girl. Their love gave me the spirit to go ahead and pursue my dreams even if they weren’t their dreams for me, too.

Thankfully, all of my efforts to preserve and safeguard this pregnancy paid off. After twenty-two hours of labor, it was decided I’d have to have an emergency C-section because the umbilical cord was wrapped around my baby’s neck. I gave birth to my beautiful daughter, Liza, in February 1975. Suddenly that day with Agnes and her Ouija board made complete sense to me. I had a baby girl in February, just as it had predicted.

Before we go any further, since I have never really spoken about my children in public, I ask you to please indulge me while I shout my true feelings about both of my kids from the rooftops. I am so proud of them, and while I’ve always let each of them know how I really feel with abundant—maybe even overabundant—hugs and kisses and words of praise, so that they would always know how much I love and treasure them, this is the first time I am being so overt outside of our circle of family and close friends. While I know Liza and Andreas will probably cringe when they read this, what’s a mother to do?

Becoming a mother was the most wonderful gift I have ever received. I had no idea what an impact this would have on me. Only a few days before I went into labor, I sat on the sofa at our home in Garden City and told my husband with a straight face that the baby was not going to change our lives. We were still going to go skiing, travel to Europe, and see our friends.

After Liza was born, I did a complete about-face—and I mean a complete about-face. The moment I laid eyes on that baby, I instantly became a different person. I just wanted to be with her morning, noon, and night. I ran to the mailbox to get all of the invitations to events and parties before Helmut could see them so we wouldn’t have to attend any of them. It took me three months to finally agree to leave the house without her.

Before Liza was born, I hired a wonderful baby nurse named Irma, who came to stay with us for three weeks to help with the baby when we brought her home. Since I delivered Liza via a C-section, I needed time to recuperate. Irma had come extremely highly recommended. I had friends who planned their pregnancies around her availability, so I felt very lucky to have her. Irma’s calling in life was to take care of newborns and help their parents make the transition with ease. I was the youngest child in my family and I never spent any time working as a babysitter growing up, so I had very little experience with infants.

Irma was very nice, extremely experienced, spoke fluent German, and was a tremendous help in so many ways. When I came home from the hospital, she had set up a small table and chairs in our bedroom so Helmut and I could have dinner together after he got home from work without my having to walk up and down the stairs. She thought of every last detail to make my recovery easier and my first few days and weeks at home comfortable.

At the time Helmut was a three-to four-pack-a-day cigarette smoker. He did everything with a cigarette in one hand or held between his two front teeth. He skied with a cigarette, played tennis with one, and even swung his golf club while smoking. Of course, this was at a time before our collective consciousness about the dangers of tobacco and smoking was raised. Still, he was a heavy smoker and had never been able to successfully give up the habit.

Helmut came home from work each night ready to share a meal and catch up on each other’s day. At the end of dinner, the routine was for Irma to bring Liza into our bedroom so we could spend some quality time with her together as a family. Liza was so small that Helmut could easily hold her in one of his hands. He’d stare into her eyes while making silly adorable sounds and faces to amuse her. Irma cleared our dishes as Helmut did what he always did after a meal—he lit up a cigarette.

The first time Irma saw him do this, she took one look at my husband, carried Liza back to her room, and then came back and announced, “Mr. Huber. If I ever see you smoke in this house again while I’m here taking care of this baby, I’m leaving!” Helmut got her message loud and clear. He realized she was right and quit cold turkey.

Irma was also a wonderful cook and baker. She, too, reminded me of my nana in that way, which was a lovely feeling to have during this very happy time. Since I was nursing, Irma told me that I needed to drink a beer or a vanilla bean milk shake every day because both provide all of the nutrients a baby wants and needs. I am not a beer drinker, so I opted for the vanilla bean milk shakes, which were fabulous. She also made coconut macaroons that were delicious. After a week or two I had to tell Irma to stop feeding me so well or I’d return to the show as “Fat Erica”! She told me not to worry because nursing would take care of all of those extra calories. It turned out she was right!

After Irma left and I went back to work. Helmut and I took turns putting Liza to bed. One evening I came home to find him sitting at the top of the stairs with Liza in his arms, singing her a lullaby he’d made up. He was getting ready to put her down in her crib for the night. I heard him singing, so I quietly went to the bottom of the stairs to listen, being careful not to disturb that moment. I’ll never forget that sight, that moment between father and daughter. The lullaby became one of Liza’s favorites, so much so that I eventually began singing it to her, too.

For the first several months, my mother came to stay with Liza whenever I had to leave. She helped out until I could find a proper nanny, which took some time.

Although Helmut and I lived in Forest Hills for the first few years of our marriage, we moved back to my hometown of Garden City just before Liza was born. We thought about living in New York City, but Helmut helped me see that there was something special about the place where I grew up that we should pass on to our children. I found great comfort in Garden City because it was a community of family and familiar faces. Garden City is a very multigenerational town. It is common for parents to live there and for their grown children to return to raise their children there, too. My parents lived close by, making it easy for them to drop in and visit whenever they wanted.

I loved being back in Garden City. People all over town knew me as Susan Lucci, the girl who grew up in that town, and not “Susan Lucci,” the actress who plays that Erica Kane woman on TV. I could go to the dry cleaner, butcher, supermarket, and nail salon as myself. I never had to worry about putting on a front because Garden City was my home, too. When we moved back, we finally had a home where I could do the gardening, create seasonal displays, and give my daughter the type of home environment that I grew up in. I made all of her baby food from scratch and did my best to be a good mother.

When Liza was a baby, it was a wonderful blessing that All My Children was only a half-hour show because that meant I could be home by three o’clock in the afternoon every day to spend time with my precious little girl. Thankfully, my schedule only called for me to go into the studio about three days a week. On the days that I had to work, I could hardly wait to get home to see her. One day, when she was around four months old, I went over to pick Liza up from her blanket on the floor. I rushed to her so fast and furiously that she looked at me and cried. I was so excited to see her that I scared her!