All My Life (11 page)

A good actress will bring slight but relevant gestures to her characters, which define who she is without ever saying a word. Although my character has evolved over the years, she has always been excitable and full of expression. Yes, Erica has always been known for her fiery temper and her irresistible diva behavior. By comparison, it takes a lot to rile me up, but very early in my career, my feistier side had a tendency to rear its head from time to time, too. I have never been one to lose my cool at work, but there was a moment when I was around twenty-four years old that has become something of a legend on the set of All My Children.

There was a fantastically talented director working on the show at the time by the name of Henry Kaplan. When he first came to the show, I had never met another human being quite like him. He was downright frightening to me. He used a wand while directing, like he was conducting an orchestra instead of working with actors.

Henry was a man who was very comfortable in his own skin. His sense of humor was incredibly biting. He wasn’t especially careful with the words he used or how his message was being conveyed. He was notorious for saying something very jarring to actors moments before they were set to do a scene.

“You have no timing!”

“You’re as funny as a fish!”

These were not words of encouragement, especially to a young actress just starting out. His comments were meant to cut, rattle, and disarm—at least that’s how I saw things from my very naive and green perspective. I didn’t understand that Henry was just being sarcastic. I took his statements very seriously, so much so that after a couple of weeks of his poking, I began to feel physically sick. I was tied up in knots over the things he was saying to me.

The final straw came during a very emotional scene where Erica and her mother have a big fight. Erica had packed her bags and was leaving. At the end of the scene, I was supposed to pick up my suitcases, walk to the front door, open it, turn, and then give a long final look to Mona before walking out and slamming the door behind me. This was not a complicated scene. However, during the first rehearsal, the suitcases that were placed on the set for me were hard-shelled. They were so heavy that I could barely pick them up and accomplish what I was supposed to do.

I don’t know how it is on other shows, but on All My Children, the actors are responsible for checking their props. It was obvious they weren’t working for me, so I spoke to the head of the prop department to ask if he had any soft-sided suitcases I could use instead. I figured those would be easier and lighter to carry. He assured me that it wouldn’t be a problem to swap the cases. When we did our final dress rehearsal, the soft cases weren’t that much lighter, but they were better and easier to handle than the hard cases. I was feeling okay about the scene. I knew it wasn’t perfectly smooth, but it was a lot better than the last time we’d run through it.

Just before we began taping, the director called us to “Red Chairs” so we could get our notes. There was no time for lunch that day, so I brought a cup of yogurt with me to eat while we sat and listened to Henry. The entire company was there as Henry proceeded to yell at me. He called me the most unprofessional actress he had ever encountered.

“You have no business being an actress. How dare you go behind my back and speak to the prop department about changing suitcases. How dare you do that scene with soft suitcases!” Henry was in a rage. Even if I wanted to explain myself, he never stopped yelling long enough for me to get a word in edgewise.

I was seeing red because he wouldn’t let me speak. I remember shaking on the inside while furiously stirring my yogurt. I was frustrated as he continued to cut me down.

“You will use the hard suitcases, got it?” he commanded.

I kept stirring and stirring until I’d finally heard enough. I was afraid that if I stayed, I’d throw my yogurt right at Henry, so I got up and walked away. I had a scene to play and needed a few minutes to compose myself. I left the studio floor and went into the hallway. I was infuriated. Perhaps I let my own insecurities get in the way—perhaps I was being hypersensitive, but I was really upset. Still, I was young and too new to the show to think I could tell anyone how I felt. I figured I just had to get over it, go out there, and do my best. I stomped down the hallway until I came across an empty control room. I stood in the dimly lit cubicle, still stirring and stirring until, on impulse, I suddenly threw my yogurt against a wall of television monitors. At that very moment, Felicia, our associate producer, came into the room. I wasn’t known for being a troublemaker on the set, so she knew something was terribly wrong.

“Susan, what is it?” she asked

I told her what had happened. I didn’t like being in that position, but what else could I do? There I was standing in a room with yogurt dripping down the walls—it was raspberry.

“Don’t worry about this, Susan. Go to your dressing room. I will take care of everything.”

I was very grateful for her kindness and understanding. I walked across the hall to my dressing room, where I suddenly realized after looking in a mirror what she meant by “everything.” I had been wearing my costume—a brown velvet jacket—the back of which was covered in yogurt. Even my hair was doused in it from the windup to my throw. I was desperately trying to wipe the mess from the jacket when Fra walked into our dressing room.

“Oh, honey. What happened?” She had been on the floor getting her notes, too, but I don’t think she knew how upset I was after receiving mine. So I told her what I was feeling.

“Oh, dear. Don’t take Henry’s words to heart. That’s his sense of humor. He’s just pushing your buttons.” Fra always had an aura of calm that I found comforting.

I hadn’t realized Henry was just being, well, Henry. I felt so embarrassed for having blown up like that. The wardrobe department, being the miracle workers that they are, salvaged the jacket in ten minutes’ time. Henry was none the wiser about what had happened as I made my way onto the set to do my scene. When I got there, I noticed that the soft suitcases had been left for me to use. Sure enough, and just like Fra said, he was only pushing my buttons.

A couple of days later, Henry knocked on my dressing room door.

“Do you have a minute?” he asked.

“Sure, come on in.” I was nervous.

“I heard what happened, Susan. I want you to know that I never meant to hurt your feelings.” I thought it was very nice of Henry to stop by and offer an explanation. He most certainly did not have to do it. It was very much appreciated, though. It turned out that Henry and I forged a wonderful relationship after that incident. Not only was he a tremendously talented director, he became a good friend. He continued to go after me for many years, but now I knew where he was coming from. Although I hadn’t noticed it before my blowup, Henry had a gleam in his eye that let you know he was being a little bit of a devil whenever he was trying to get a rise from you.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, Liza, he must have overheard me talking about finding an antique christening gown for the baby. We didn’t have a special gown in our family, but I really wanted one. A few days later, Henry, who also happened to own an antiques shop, called me to say he had found the perfect gown for my baby. I will never forget working with Henry, but more important than that, I will always treasure our friendship.

I only had one other meltdown on the set after that incident. This second event involved a wooden hairbrush and a mirror. I don’t recall what happened, but I do remember how thankful I was that the industrial-strength mirror didn’t shatter. If it had, there would have been glass everywhere and the fallout would likely have been much worse than it was. After that outburst, I realized there is no real payoff to these types of meltdowns. There is no place for them on the set or in life. We work in pretty tight quarters, so if someone is acting like a full-blown diva, it affects everyone. I have learned it is far better to take a giant step back and breathe before reacting. If you do, I assure you, things won’t seem so bad when you finally calm down. Of course, it is only fair to point out that as Erica Kane, I do have lots and lots of opportunities to use my emotions and get them out in a safe and effective way. You can bet there have been plenty of times when I’ve channeled personal frustration into a scene where Erica can say and do all of the things I’d sometimes like to as Susan Lucci. There’s an expression in acting—“Use it!”—which means use your emotion in the scene you’re about to do—if you can. That outlet is a great perk of the job. The work is demanding enough. Keep the drama on the stage.

Blended Lives

I was told early on that many writers prefer not to have any interaction with the actors they are writing for. They would rather watch the nuances that the actors bring to the parts they are playing in the context of the show. Apparently, how we interpret their words further feeds and inspires what they write. I had been told that Agnes Nixon preferred this kind of distance. She liked to create a character and then see what each actor brought to the part. I understood the process and respected it.

The first time I ever spent one-on-one time with Agnes outside of the studio was during a train ride we took together to an event in Prince ton, New Jersey. I met her on the train and sat next to her for the entire ride down from New York. Over the course of our trip, Agnes turned to me and asked if I believed in spirits and the Ouija board. I told her my only experience with the Ouija board had been at slumber parties with friends when I was a little girl. At the time I felt like we were the ones who manipulated the pointer to move around the board. Agnes said she had been skeptical, too, but now totally believed in it. She shared a story with me about going to a party with some friends who decided they wanted to use the Ouija board after dinner. One of the men at the party was a complete skeptic. He refused to sit at the table, choosing instead to watch the action from behind everyone else. All of a sudden the pointer went haywire, spelling out what appeared to be gibberish. Agnes said she was disappointed because she wanted to prove to the man that the Ouija was real.

“There must be some type of problem here,” she said.

“No! Wait!” the skeptical man cried out. “That’s not gibberish. It’s spelling out the name my father called me in Lithuanian.”

After that, the man was a complete believer.

When we finished the event in Prince ton, Agnes invited me to join her for a late lunch at her home in a beautiful suburb of Philadelphia. Her house was a beautiful historic home that used to be a stop on a Pony Express route. It was very much a family home. It was warm, elegant, and inviting all at once. I watched Agnes interact with her four children and realized she wasn’t just a businesswoman. She was a mother, too. She created a lovely environment for her children to grow up in, inspiring me to want one day to do the very same thing. Although Helmut and I did not have any children, we were definitely planning on starting a family.

After lunch, Agnes asked me if I would like to work the Ouija board with her.

“Sure,” I replied. After hearing her earlier story, I was curious to see what might happen.

“Do you have any questions?” Agnes asked.

“Yes. When will I have a baby?” The answer came back, Sometime in the distance. I was a little disappointed because at the time, I was secretly hoping I might already be pregnant.

“Will it be a boy or a girl?” The answer came back, A girl.

“What month will she be born?” The answer came back, February.

Honestly, I didn’t know what to think about the experience. I’ve never forgotten that day, though, because it was the first time I realized just how “in touch” Agnes Nixon really is to things and how “in tune” she is to people. Agnes is quite spiritual and deeply intuitive. I’ve come to believe that there was never a “coincidence” to those story lines on the show that mirrored events in my personal life. Although I’d rarely shared intimate information with Agnes before she wrote these scripts, she somehow always knew exactly what was happening with me.

There have been a number of story lines on the show over the years that blurred the lines between Erica’s reality and my own. Although the timing didn’t always correspond, the experiences often did. Sure, there were also lots of stories revolving around events that were the complete opposite of events in my life, too, but those were the stories that gave me even more of an opportunity to push myself and grow as an actress because I had to dig deeper to find the right responses.

Although Erica eventually turned into an independent and powerful businesswoman who was much more capable than she ever thought she could be, she surely didn’t start off that way. She was left with a large gaping hole in her heart after her father abandoned her at such a tender age. So many young girls feel that type of early loss and then grow up feeling some sort of responsibility for their abandonment, as if they somehow weren’t lovable enough to keep their father home. Erica spent years blaming her mother, lashing out at her for not stopping her father from leaving. Deep down, she grew up believing that she herself was the real reason he left. Although her father lavished expensive gifts, clothes, and cars on her, he never spent time with her. He never came just to see her. And, he didn’t want Erica to come visit him either. It wasn’t until Erica’s fourteenth birthday, after much begging and pleading, that he finally decided to invite her to Hollywood so they could celebrate her birthday together—or so she thought. Her father supposedly sent the invitation because he thought Erica might enjoy meeting some of the famous movie stars he worked with and knew. It turned out, however, that his career wasn’t quite what it seemed. He was trying to lure a popular movie star to commit to his next project. He also knew this actor was a known pedophile.

Erica’s birthday came with a cake, fourteen candles, and hours alone in the house with the actor. Her monster of a father thought that if this man could score with her, he would likely agree to star in his project. Erica wound up being raped and became pregnant. Although Erica had the baby—a little girl—her mother, Mona, decided she should give it up for adoption. Erica was still a child herself and was incapable of raising a baby without it impacting her life in unimaginable ways. So she agreed to relinquish the baby without ever seeing her after she was born. Many years later that daughter would be brought back to the show and introduced as a new character, Kendall. Kendall is played by the beautiful Alicia Minshew. Alicia has brought so much to the part and is an absolute joy to work with every day.

Agnes Nixon is a wonderful storyteller who isn’t afraid to take risks. Although the rape story wasn’t revealed on the show for many years, it was quite controversial when it did air. This type of conflict was typical of the subjects Agnes was willing to tackle. She made it a point to bring complicated issues to the forefront, which was very cutting edge for the times. When Agnes is involved in the writing of a show, the story feels so natural and real.

Before All My Children made its debut, no daytime show had ever dealt with the Vietnam War in depth. Agnes chose to write about Vietnam at the height of the war, making it every bit as controversial on the show as it was in our country. Agnes perfectly chronicled how the town of Pine Valley, like the rest of the country, was divided between those who supported the U.S. position and those who protested it.

When Agnes decided to bring the war into All My Children, she did it with dignity and grace. She made sure that all the people filling out the humanity in those scenes—whether they were extras or the “underfives” (meaning actors who had less than five lines)—spoke Vietnamese so there was authenticity for the viewer at home. Whenever Agnes took on a controversial topic, it wasn’t done for self-aggrandizement or superfluous reasons. It was done because these topics were organic to the show and because Agnes feels a deep responsibility to share and spread her knowledge and awareness to others. She included these modern-day issues and concerns in order to draw in a larger audience but also to speak to that broader audience about what issues she thought were relevant to their lives.

One of the most talked-about stories in our show’s history unfolded in 1973 when Agnes made the decision to have Erica get an abortion. I never realized how big that story would become. I knew we would take some flak from people who didn’t agree with that point of view, but I hadn’t understood just how important it was while we were doing it. My sole focus was to play the scenes strictly from my character’s perspective. In the thick of things, and from Erica’s point of view, it all felt so right to me.

Agnes started writing the story on the day after Roe v. Wade was decided. The Supreme Court had just declared that women had the constitutional right to choose, which became front-page news all over the country. When it aired, the story made television history because it was the first legal abortion ever portrayed on television. The television show Maude aired a controversial abortion episode in November 1972—two months before the passing of Roe v. Wade—but Maude’s choice was to have an illegal abortion, whereas Erica was free to make the decision without breaking any laws.

The story began as Erica discovered she was pregnant while married to her first husband, Dr. Jeff Martin, played by Charlie Frank. Charlie was very clean-cut and had the bluest eyes I had ever seen. He very much fit the part of Jeff Martin, a young doctor in the making. Jeff was the older brother of Erica’s high school rival, Tara Martin, and Erica wanted to marry him. She was somehow able to convince Jeff to leave Stanford, where he was studying, and finish his medical education at Pine Valley University. Erica was absolutely determined to marry him. She saw him as a means of escape from her mother’s house and from her horribly boring existence in Pine Valley. She believed that Jeff was going to become a great doctor and thought that when she became “the doctor’s wife,” other people would have to accept her as important, too—a recognition she very much longed for. Even though Erica was just sixteen, she and Jeff eloped across state lines in a snowstorm so they could get married without anyone interfering with their plan.

Their wedding scene took place in the middle of a faux blizzard. This was my first encounter with fake snow. I wore a beautiful coat and matching fur hat that looked like something we borrowed from Dr. Zhivago. The “snow” was made from what appeared to be tiny plastic shavings. Although it stuck to my hair, ears, and eyes like real snow, it didn’t melt.

News of Erica and Jeff’s wedding was very upsetting to both of their families. Erica’s mother, Mona, thought Jeff was a very solid young man, though she had tremendous apprehensions about her daughter being married at such a young age. Jeff’s parents, Dr. Joe Martin and his wife, Ruth, had many reservations about their son’s decision to marry Erica, too. The Martins were one of the most established families in Pine Valley. They were well liked and highly respected, as Joe Martin was the chief of staff at Pine Valley Hospital. Joe Martin was an elegant and sensible man who was played with such finesse by Ray MacDonnell.

On the set, Ray had a mischievous glint in his eyes at all times. He was very funny and made it nearly impossible for actors to look him in the eyes because he was always ready with a joke to make you double over with laughter. Ruth was played by Mary Fickett, who was one of the original stars of the show. Mary was always very kind and down-to-earth, and quite welcoming of me as a young actress just starting out. Grandma Kate Martin, played by Kay Campbell, was also lovely and dear. Grandma Kate was always baking and offering Erica cookies, pie, and such. In many ways, she reminded me of my nana.

The Martins intimidated Erica because they represented everything she longed for in a family but didn’t have. She never expected to fit in with them because they were all so well educated and refined and she was street-smart and self-taught by comparison. Although they reluctantly accepted her into their family, it didn’t take long for everyone to see through Erica and realize her ulterior motives, which were to live a better life.

Jeff didn’t have a lot of money since he was still working as a resident in the hospital. He worked long hours for very little pay. Erica was terribly unhappy in the small, cramped apartment they lived in. She had fantasized that her life would be far more idyllic and comfortable than it had turned out to be. Soon after the marriage, Erica realized that she was even more uncomfortable in her new life than she’d been at home with her mom. Bored and with too much time on her hands, she was growing restless and wanted something more out of life than being a stay-at-home wife. She found the perfect job working at Anne Tyler’s boutique as a clothes buyer, which allowed her to make several trips to New York, where she also started to do some modeling. Her new career set Erica on a path that would open up her world in ways she never imagined.

Although Erica had been taking birth control pills throughout her marriage to Jeff, she wasn’t taking them regularly, which was a risky thing to do. Jeff and Erica had talked about wanting someday to have children, but when she found out she was pregnant, she feared the baby would interfere with her thriving new career. Erica began justifying reasons not to keep the baby.

1. They didn’t have a lot of money, so having a baby wasn’t a terribly responsible decision.

2. Jeff was busy at the hospital and away from home most of the time.

3. She was on the verge of breaking through as a top fashion model.

4. She wasn’t emotionally prepared to give a baby the love and attention it would require.

After she listed her reasons, the only conclusion she could possibly come to was that she had to have an abortion. Erica tried to keep her decision from her husband and his family because she knew they wouldn’t understand or support her choice. When she got to the abortion clinic, however, the doctor informed her that she would need her husband’s consent in writing before he would perform the procedure. Erica used her charm and skills of persuasion to convince the doctor that her husband was very busy at the hospital and couldn’t be reached. She assured the doctor that they had discussed all of their options and had agreed that terminating the pregnancy was the best choice for them. Despite her pleas, the doctor insisted on having Jeff’s signature before performing the procedure. Knowing she would never get Jeff’s consent, Erica forged his name, thinking he would never discover the truth.

A few days after this, she developed an infection. She tried to ignore it for as long as she could but wasn’t able to hide her pain. She eventually collapsed and was hospitalized. At first, Jeff believed her illness was due to overworking, but then his father, Dr. Joe Martin, discovered that Erica’s infection had been caused by an abortion. Jeff was surprised to discover that his wife had been pregnant and even more shocked by what she had done. When Erica was well enough, he confronted her. While she insisted she’d had the abortion in order to save their marriage, Jeff knew the truth. She had done it for herself and for her career.