All In My Head (First Tracks Book 1) (15 page)

“I’m just wondering what’s going on in your head.”

If only he knew!

“I … kinda have been too,” I said, my voice apologetic.

He let that sit in the air for a few minutes before he
sighed and said, “It’s just we’re talking about going to the coast together
tomorrow, and I haven’t been sure about how you feel about me.”

Talking about? Not planning on?

“Nash …” I wanted to reach over and take his hand, but
didn’t. I stuck my hands in my coat pockets to keep them warm. We’d known each
other for a while now, and I liked to think we could trust each other. Maybe I
could trust him.

Don’t, Avery. Just don’t. It didn’t go well with the crisis
hotline, remember?

 “Do you like someone else?” Nash asked. “I know you said
it’s been over for a long time between you and Kyle, but it’s hard not to
wonder. I just want honesty.”

“Kyle?” Hopefully my expression looked incredulous and not
the surprise I felt—I’d been thinking
someone else
meant Marcus. “That
was forever ago.”

He watched the sidewalk right in front of us as we walked. “Is
there someone else?”

“No.” I softened my voice and turned to him to say, “No. There
isn’t some other guy.”

Marcus didn’t say anything to that but I silently apologized
anyway.

Nash and I stood looking at each other under the streetlight,
and he looked reluctant to accept my explanation. For a second, I thought he
was going to say something, and then realized he was waiting on me.

 “I’ve just felt … as if … ever since my accident, I’ve had
this feeling there’s someone else in my head. I’ve been all mixed up.”

His eyebrows shot up. The streetlights shined down, throwing
shadows on his face, but I could feel the shock. Disbelief. He didn’t step back
but I bet he wanted to.

His reaction was actually very subtle in comparison to
Marcus having a meltdown in my head. I had to push him away and focus on Nash
so I could hear his response.

“Um, what do you mean exactly? Like you feel like someone
else?” he asked. I didn’t like the way he was studying me.

“I don’t know exactly. Maybe.” I shrugged and then laughed. “I
guess I’ve been feeling confused about things … but I like you, Nash. A lot.” I
tried to read his eyes but couldn’t, not in the harsh downward slant of light
on his face. Then, he stepped closer and reached for both of my hands and
leaned down so his forehead rested on mine. Feeling close to tears, I closed my
eyes, chewing the inside of my cheeks. Why, why, why. Things would have been
perfect if I didn’t get that concussion.

Nash moved to kiss my mouth, just a short, sweet kiss, and
then pulled me against him and wrapped his arms tightly around me. There was an
edge to his embrace, a neediness that I wouldn’t have expected from him. I
hugged him back, hanging on, feeling like we were holding each other up.

What if … what if things were complicated inside his head
too? Maybe he had some of his own issues.

“I’ve liked you a long time,” he whispered.

I tried to answer back, “Me too,” but my throat closed up.
He might have understood me. I nuzzled my face into his chest, wanting to get
lost and forget everything else. We stood there for so long I think I heard
someone walk by.

“I thought maybe you were stringing me along,” he said, “so
it confused me more when you asked about going to the coast with you.”

I shook my head against his chest. “I’m a little mixed up,
but …” I never say the right thing. I started over with, “I hope I haven’t
messed things up with you.”

“No.” He stroked my hair. I shivered and he pulled back. “Let’s
get you inside.” He took my hand and we walked back to the house. Maybe we had
gotten back to some kind of normal. Maybe he would forget what I said. Marcus
had been right, it didn’t help anything.

As we approached the house, I wondered if he’d just
naturally come inside, or if I would need to invite him. I wanted his arms
around me again, but I was afraid of talking more. I was afraid of how much he
might need me. But I also wanted that. Desperately! But my life had gotten so
strangely complicated that I would just hurt him, and me.

We slowed down and reached the bottom steps. He leaned in
and kissed my lips. “I’m going to take off.”

“Kay … Nash, thanks for listening and understanding.”

“My pleasure. See you tomorrow.” He ran his knuckles down my
cheek and held my gaze with his dark eyes. Then he watched me go up the steps
and inside the front door. I peeked through the small window and saw him get in
his car and drive off.

Well, Marcus, you got your wish. I hardly kissed him, and
now he thinks I’m a freak.

When Nash said he’d be by at twelve fifteen to pick me up,
he meant exactly eleven fifteen. He pulled up and honked, which wasn’t exactly
Nash-like, but I realized he was worried about time. Apparently he didn’t like
being late, even if we weren’t on a strict schedule.

Kristina and Dawn had gone to Kyle’s house earlier, and Brandon
was meeting them there so the four of them could carpool. Kris and Dawn had left
behind sweet, peaceful quietness when they evacuated, leaving me to pack one
bag without having to give my opinion on which outfits they should take.
Normally, I’ll admit I get into that kind of thing, but it was hell with Marcus
cracking jokes all along the way.

Anyway, I was more than happy to drive over with just Nash so
I wouldn’t have to juggle as many conversations. To be completely honest, I was
surprised that he didn’t call and cancel that morning. We didn’t part on the
best of terms last night for two people going on a three-night trip to the
coast.

Bright sunlight met me when I went outside to Nash’s station
wagon. It was newer than mine and he wanted to drive.

“Just one bag?” This was how he greeted me.

“Am I breaking some girly rule?” I asked, laughing, right
before I wondered how many bags he’d brought. I threw my bag into the backseat
and jumped in. Before I could lean over to kiss him, he pulled away from the
curb.

“I still need to get gas.”

I glanced at the backseat again because I’d noticed his
things there. It was a laptop case. His other bag, or bags, were in the very
back.

“I should have brought something to write with,” I said. I’d
been thinking about walking on the beach and getting away from anything related
to my life.

“Yeah, I have a couple story ideas.” He pulled into the gas
station then so he didn’t elaborate.

We filled the gas tank and stocked up on snacks for the
drive over. We were at the cash register when I noticed he had a bag of
pretzels. Yuck.

“Don’t those make crumbs?” he asked, nodding toward my
raspberry filled white doughnuts.

“I’ll save those for after we get there.”

Geesh. 

I almost agreed with Marcus, and wondered (for a second) if
I’d make a mistake by going on this trip with Nash. But when we walked outside,
Nash carried the bag and threw a big smile at me, the biggest smile I’d seen on
his handsome face.

How is he handsome when he hardly ever smiles?

Thanks for ruining the moment, Marcus.

You’re very welcome.

I could totally see him grinning about it.

I suppressed a laugh as Nash and I got into the car, and
suddenly a cloud seemed to lift from around me. I could do this.  I could enjoy
this trip with both of them talking to me. Nash turned his MP3 player on
through the sound system, we broke open the snacks, and talked while driving
north.

“So you know Ettore, right?” he asked. “What’s his story? I
heard his family has a lot of money.”

“We’re friends…and he does have money, but one time he told
me he doesn’t like how people treat him when they find out his family has money.”
I suddenly missed Ettore. He had a bigger world view than my other friends.
Most college students were caught up in gossip, making as many friends as
possible, partying, and future career stuff. Ettore talked about travel, what
life was like in different parts of the US and around the world, and odd things
like the differences in clothing styles in different cities. I tried explaining
that to Nash. After a while, I noticed he’d grown quiet.

Maybe he doesn’t like hearing about other guys.

Good point. I changed the subject. We reached the turnoff
and started West. It’d been a while since I’d been to the beach. As crazy as it
sounded to my own ears, I had a sense that getting there would make things okay
again.

Okay meaning no Marcus in your life?

Sorry…

A few minutes later, Nash reached across and took my hand. My
heart flittered but Marcus flinched.

I can’t handle this.

You’ll have to. Deal with it.

Marcus started singing—more like yelling—and stomping around
in my brain. Nash continued talking but I couldn’t hear him. In a panic, I
turned toward the window like I was coughing into my elbow.

STOP!  Marcus, we have to do this
.

I can’t handle him touching you.

Please stop. You owe me. You have to let me have one
normal happy weekend. Please
.

“Avery?”

I jerked around.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I had a tickle in my throat.”

He glanced down at our hands before concentrating on the
road again. I had a death grip on his hand. Holy crap. I tried to relax and get
the heat out of my face.

“I sent off that story I told you about,” Nash said, tapping
the steering wheel with his fingers. I had to keep my eyes on the road because
the route to the coast is curvy.

“The alien frog idea or male aliens coming to earth?” I
asked. He liked to write sci fi, fantasy and some dark, weird stuff. You’d
expect that looking at him, I think.

Marcus did his typical snort, then quickly apologized.

Sorry, sometimes I forget you can hear me thinking.

“The one with an all male race of aliens coming here. I
called it Intergalatical Dating Dilemma.”

“Oh, cool, the aliens came here but their race only has men,
right?”

“Yeah, their women all died. So there’s a third world war
breaking out here when they arrive…” He got worked up talking about it.

Marcus tried to be quiet for a change but still made a few
comments.

I had to tell him,
the whole men-only aliens had been my
idea.

And Nash ran with it? You don’t mind?

I wouldn’t have written it anyway. So I don’t think I
care too much. And I have to admire him for getting stories written and out the
door.

Nash glanced over and said, “Have you gotten back to working
on your screenplay?”

I hadn’t done much of anything since Marcus popped into my
head. “I think I need a stronger idea.”

“What’s the purpose of the story?” he asked.

That was it. I wasn’t sure. I tried explaining and realized
I sounded lost. “I want to write something meaningful, something that shows
people it’s okay.”

Nash glanced over again but didn’t say anything.

That’s really cool, Ave.

Nash still didn’t answer so I asked, “Is that stupid?”

“No, not at all.”

But maybe it had sounded like I was putting his science
fiction down. “I think I’m more of a realistic writer, drama instead of
fantasy.”

“That works. People need it.”

A few minutes passed with us just watching the maple trees
fly by. They’d leafed out recently with soft, baby leaves. I love the freshness
of spring. Lush greenery lined the road all around us, from the ferns and moss
to small bushes.

“So, I’ve been wondering…” Nash waited for me to look his
way. “You haven’t talked about your family or parents at all, even when I did,
and Kristina said something about your parents being gone.”

Oh boy.

“Oh? When was that?”

He lifted a shoulder like it was nothing. “She just said
something to Kyle that I overheard. He was asking her something that I didn’t
catch.”

Kyle was asking about me?

Marcus commented on that while Nash glanced at me twice in a
row.

“They died,” I said, knowing I couldn’t get around it this
time.

So you’re going to tell him?

“I was in eighth grade and they were killed in a car
accident.”

“I’m so sorry,” Nash said with genuine concern. But somehow
I felt he had known that. Had Kristina told Kyle? She didn’t know much about
what happened, only that they died and I didn’t like to talk about it. Maybe
she googled it and found more details online, if she was that curious.

“You didn’t have any siblings?” he asked.

“No, it was just us.” Until it wasn’t anymore. Then it was
just me. He was itching to ask more so I added, “I put it behind me, especially
when I came to college. It was a chance to start over and not be the poor kid
who lost her parents.”

“Still hurts though,” he said quietly and squeezed my hand.

I’d wanted to drop the conversation right there, until he
said that. He had sounded happy when he talked about his family, so why did he
sound like he understood? I normally let people be—don’t push them so they
won’t push me—but I couldn’t stop myself this time.

“Have you lost someone too?” I asked.

Marcus didn’t like where this conversation was going, and he
particularly didn’t like me sharing with Nash.

“Not family.” He hesitated for a long minute. “I was with
someone for two years. Cheyenne.”

I felt funny hearing that while holding his hand. We rounded
another curve and my stomach turned sour. He wasn’t dating anything this year.
I was sure of it. So I asked, “Was that a while ago?”

“Last year. We got together our senior year of high school
and came to college together. Things fell apart after Christmas vacation…I
think she met someone else.”

Whoa. That explained why he was paranoid about me, that and
my unexplainable behavior.

“That’s pretty serious,” I said, wishing I had something
more poetic to say about it. “Sounds like it was tough to go through.” In a
weird way, it didn’t surprise me that he’d had a serious relationship. Nash is
intense. If it weren’t for Marcus, we would have jumped into a serious
relationship and spent more time together. I had been holding back—for good
reasons, but a big reason I couldn’t share with Nash.

Maybe he wanted me to be jealous.

I felt guilty for analyzing him like that. It couldn’t be
that. He just wanted me to know him better so I could understand him. I wanted
to ask more, and he was waiting for that, but I saw a sign for a park coming
up.

“I think I need some fresh air,” I said, pointing. “My
stomach doesn’t always like the curves.”

“Okay, hang on.” Nash pulled into the parking lot fast and
parked, making the car lurch.

I opened my door and paused to say, “Thank you for telling
me that.”

He held my gaze for a few seconds before I got out of the
car.

So tell me again why you shared with him and not me?

Because I care about him.

***

The brown shingle house was huge, and stood tall and stark
right next to the sand, overlooking a smooth beach of salt and pepper sand that
stretched out in both directions as far as we could see. Inside, the floors
were polished, gleaming cedar that cast yellow, warm light everywhere, and the
walls were a creamy hint-of-orange-sherbet sand color.

Nash and I were the last ones there because we stopped at
the park and then for lunch, and Kristina was waiting on us so we could all sit
in the hot tub together

“We almost missed the sunset!” she screamed, racing down to
her room to change. The front door had taken us into the second story, with the
kitchen, living room, and huge deck outside. The bedrooms were all downstairs. Nash
took our bags into our room while I stole another look at the Pacific Ocean. The
sun was just now starting to set. It wasn’t
that
late. But that was
Kristina for you.

It’d been quiet in my head… Marcus hadn’t spoken to me in
over four hours. That was hardly any time at all, at least in the context of my
other relationships, but it felt like forever when it came to Marcus. I’d hurt
him.

I’m sorry.

Marcus?

“I’ll go change,” Nash said behind me.

“Okay.” I didn’t turn around. The sky changed shades,
growing brighter. Marcus hadn’t answered me…funny, wasn’t it? I’d been telling
him to take a hike over and over, and now that he finally did, I instantly missed
him.

Marcus? What do you want to hear? That I care about you
too? But it’s impossible and frustrating and tearing me apart?

Something like that. I want to know you feel all of this too.

I let out my breath, so relieved it almost made me cry. We
watched the sunset until Nash walked up behind me. Before I could turn around,
he gathered my hair together and ran his hands down it, one after the other. I
closed my eyes, fighting traitorous tears.

“Ave, Nash, you guys coming?” Dawn’s voice whizzed by as she
ran out the door.

“I’ll just be a sec,” I said to Nash, since Dawn was gone,
before going downstairs to my room. I still had tingles on my scalp and down my
back from his touch.

Changing didn’t take long, but I took one look at the single
bed and had to have it out with Marcus.

What am I going to do while you get all hot and heavy with
him
?

My breath and heart rate stumbled into a sprint.

Oh, hell no. You gotta figure something out. You are not
getting down and dirty with him. Hear me? Not while I’m in your head!

“You’re telling me what to do now?” I slammed the door on my
way out, for effect, and ran up the stairs.

So you’re going to sleep with him simply because I told you not
to?

I stopped short of going out the sliding glass door. I shut
my eyes in a panic, but just for a second, and then I told Marcus,
you don’t
know me very well
.

That made him pause.

Oh… Right. You’re not going to sleep with him until you’re
ready. I admire you for that, Ave. And I get why you’re scared of letting
someone in.

Did he?

It looked windy outside. The sky burned orange and red over
the shimmering water. Darker blues played in the ocean, spreading, as night
approached. Everyone else had beat me there, and now they waited in the hot
tub, silhouetted by all that glorious color. Kyle and Kris were cuddled on one
side, Brandon and Dawn on the other, and Nash sat, back to me, on the edge in
the middle with his legs in, watching the sunset. It looked like a big hot tub
but I wondered if it were big enough for all of… the drama.