After the Sky Fell Down (39 page)

“Good.  You looked to be on death’s door for a while,” he laughed and then stopped suddenly.  Kathryn felt herself stiffen too and was reminded of her date with Trevor briefly, but then knew she was overreacting.  He’d just used a figure of speech, something people said all the time, and yet she tensed at the words and so had he.  She felt like the bowl in the china shop again and knew she was being ridiculous.

“I’m sorry,” he apologized quickly. “That was really…insensitive of me,” he stumbled.

“You’re fine. Please don’t apologize,” she said and she meant it. “Seriously, please don’t worry
about it.  I’m way too sensitive sometimes.”

He looked at her doubtfully, but then walked over and took her hand.

“I’m just glad you’re feeling better,” he said.

“Thanks.  Now get to work before you’re late
and you get fired and then can’t afford to take me on our next food adventure.”

“I’ll call you later,” he said
smiling at her and then kissing her cheek once more.  He squeezed her hand and then he left. 

She hated that he had to leave, but she couldn’t expect him to drop everything in his life to hang out with her, even if she wanted him to.  Rather than dwell on this though, she got up and took a shower.  She wanted to get Sarah from the Bradley’s.  She missed her daughter. 

She sat on the bed, drying her hair with a towel, when her eyes caught the picture of Ben on her nightstand.  Her body froze and she set the towel down next to her.  Slowly, she picked up the picture and held it in her lap, her finger tracing over his perfect features.  The sparking hazel eyes, strong cheekbones, soft lips that she wished could kiss her just one more time, but knowing it was just a foolish dream.  Her stomach felt sick again, but not from the virus this time, but from guilt.  The guilt of having spent the night with Jace, the guilt of letting him take care of her the way Ben used to, the guilt of kissing him and the guilt of liking it. 

Her eyes grew warm and she whispered, “I’m sorry,” as she hugged the picture and then before she knew what she was doing, she opened the nightstand drawer and put the picture inside, slamming it shut quickly so she didn’t have to look at it anymore, so she didn’t have to hurt anymore whenever she caught his eyes watching her. 

She fixated on the drawer for a few moments and then glanced to the naked spot on the nightstand where his picture had been since he died.  She felt the nauseous pit in her stomach form again and her heartbeat began to quicken.  She couldn’t do this.  She couldn’t shut him away.  She wouldn’t shut him away.

As quickly as she’d shoved it away, she was frantically opening the drawer again, pulling it out and standing it back up in the place it belonged.  His eyes were glowing again and her uneasiness settled.  He was back where he should be, next to her, watching over her.  He was still there and she never wanted him to leave.

Her head jerked to the door when she heard a knock.  She wiped her eyes and sniffed once more.  She knew it was Luke on the other side and she didn’t want him to see her upset.

“Come in,” she said and the door swung open.

“I just wanted to see how you’re feeling,” Luke said, staying in the doorway.  Even though they’d spoken briefly last night without a hint that there was anything strange between them, Kathryn knew the strain was back by the way he kept his distance.

“I’m feeling better.”

“I’m glad Jace was here to help you out,” he said, but she knew he was being sarcastic by the way he stressed Jace’s name. 

“Yeah,” was all she said.

“Well, I’m glad you’re feeling better,” he said and walked away, but before she could look away, he was back, standing in the doorway, leaning against the jamb with his arms folded across his chest. “So, uh, I’ve just gotta ask.  Are you and him like together then?”

He was staring at her, his gaze
softening as he searched her face, but he still never broke the serious line his mouth was frozen in.

“I’m not sure,” she said honestly. “I think we might be.”

He just nodded and the line on his mouth hardened even more as he looked away and focused on the corner of the room. 

“So that’s it then?” he asked drawing his eyes back to her.

“What’s it?” she asked confused.

“We’re not even going to talk about what happened between us the other night, what’s been happening to us since Ben died?  You’re just going to ignore it, the way you did that night a year ago?”

“Luke, please.  I really don’t want to talk about it,” she pleaded quietly.

“I’m sorry if you don’t want to talk about it, but we need to.  Plus, I think Jace ought to know.”

“Jace doesn’t need to know because there’s nothing to talk about,” Kathryn insisted.

“There are a million things to talk about,” he said, taking a step into the room.

“No, there’s not,” she said flatly.

“You can’t just ignore it Kathryn, this thing between us.  The feelings, the connection.”

“You’re right,” she said and she saw a hint of hope in his eyes. “I have feelings for you.  We have a connection, because you’re my best friend. You understand me in a way no one else does.  You’ve been here for me in a way no else has been or could be, but what’s happened between us was a mistake.”

The hope left his eyes and the stern line returned.

“No,” he said firmly, finally crossing the room until he was only a couple of feet away. “It was not a mistake.”

“It
was
a mistake.”

“Who are you trying to convince?  Me or you?” he asked locking his eyes on hers, his words causing her to freeze.

“I’m not trying to convince anyone,” she finally retaliated. “It was a mistake that should’ve never happened.  How can you not see that?  You’re Ben’s little brother.  How can you even think this…you and me…would be okay?”

“Because it’s what he’
d want.”

“Don’
t say that,” she seethed at him.

“Why not?  Does it scare you to hear the truth? You know it’s what he’d want.”

“Don’t try and play that card because you don’t know what he wants.  You don’t know what he wants for you and you certainly don’t know what he wants for me.  Ben’s dead Luke, so don’t pretend that you know what he thinks.”

His eyes lowered in hurt as her words stung through him.

“Yeah, my brother’s dead.  I know that,” he spat back sarcastically. “He died and left you and his baby behind.  I’m reminded of it every day and I remember how you were when he died.  And I remember when you found out you were pregnant and I remember the day you had Sarah.  I remember Ben couldn’t be there, but I could and you wanted me there.  I was the
only
one you wanted there.  You were a mess until
I
got there.  The nights you cried, you asked
me
to hold you.  You hung onto
me. 
You wanted
me. 
Why is that?  Because I’m your friend?  No, I don’t think so,” he said shaking his head, but never leaving her gaze. “Because I’m more than your friend, that’s why.”

She didn’t know what to say.  His words were playing over and over in her head.

“Kathryn,” he continued, the harshness of his voice gone now, replaced with soft gentleness.  He stepped towards her again, closing the distance between them and sitting down beside her on the bed so he could take her hand in his. “The other night when I kissed you and a year ago when I was with you were the only times since Ben died that I’ve felt okay, like I can feel something again and I can’t dismiss how I feel about you.”  He gently reached up and stroked her hair that was still damp from the shower and Kathryn felt her stomach do a somersault as he touched her and flashes from those nights streamed through her mind. She looked up to meet his eyes, and once again, she felt hers tear up at the sight of them.  Although they looked exactly like Ben’s she knew they were Luke’s and yet they still caused her stomach to flutter and her knees to weaken.

“Luke, we can’t do this.  I’m sorry,” she began as he stroked her cheek and held onto her hand with his free one.

“Why not?” he asked as his hand fell from her face.

“Because, like I’ve already told you, you’re his brother,” she said as a tear ran down her cheek.

“You keep saying that, but that’s not a real reason.  You’re just scared.”

“I’m not sca
red.  We just can’t do this,” she said quietly. “This is wrong.”

“Why is it wrong?” he demanded.

“Because it is. It’s for all the wrong reasons.  This isn’t about us at all.  It’s about Ben.  Don’t you see that?  We’re feeling this because it makes us both feel closer to Ben.  He’s the connection we have. It’s not a connection with each other, it’s our connection to him.” 

“That’s not true
and you know it.  That may have been how it started, but that’s not what it is now and that’s not what it’s been for a very long time.”

“Luke, I’m just not ready for this,” she said pleadingly at him. “Please don’t push this. I couldn’t stand it if I lost you as a friend.”

“Well, I don’t think I could stand it if you were only my friend, not anymore,” he said and it was if the world stopped with his words.

“Luke,” she begged.

“I’m just telling you like it is.  If Ben’s death taught me anything it’s to tell the people you care about how you feel about them and that’s what I’m doing.”

She stared hard at him and
part of her wanted to reach out and hold him, but the rest of her knew it was just a tangled web of emotions she was trying to work her way through. 

“I just can’t deal with this right now Luke, so just…just go.”

He stood up and looked at her with determined eyes as if telling her without words this conversation wasn’t over.

“Fine. I’ll go, but if you think about it, you’ll see what I see,” and with that, he let go of her hand and left the room. 

Her eyes, still warm with tears, found the picture of Ben again and if she didn’t think about it too long, she could mistake him for Luke.  Two brothers, so alike with the same thick dusty hair, only Luke’s was slightly darker.  The same full lips that raised a little higher on the left side when they smiled and the nearly identical hazel eyes that had confused her on more than one occasion.  Despite how physically alike they were at times, nothing could mask their differences, which she had only noticed since Ben died.  Ben and Luke were both kind and funny and goofy at times, but Luke was more serious and intense than his brother.  Maybe he hadn’t always been like that, maybe Kathryn had never noticed it before, but Luke was passionate and ardent in a way Ben never had been or at least she thought that.  Maybe Ben had been that way; she’d just never had a chance to see that side of him.  In a strange way, she felt closer to Luke.  Perhaps that was because of everything they’d been through together since Ben died.  While she thought her life with Ben had been trying at times, it was nothing compared to what she’d shared with Luke over the past two years.  Compared to the last two years, her life with Ben had been carefree, filled with high school problems, like not getting to spend as much time together as they wanted or getting jealous when another girl flirted with him. All of that seemed so ridiculous now.  With Luke, her life had been crazy.  She’d lost her fiancé.  She had a baby.  Her life was not her own anymore and through it all had been one person: Luke. 

She tore her eyes from the picture and stared at the door Luke had just walked out of.  Ben was the love of her life.  She missed him so much her heart ached, but what about Luke?  She did love him.  She loved everything about him.  She loved how he reminded her of Ben at times.  She loved how he had stepped in and picked her up when she
hit rock bottom.  And most importantly she loved who he was.  His selfless commitment to her and Sarah had made her love him even more and she couldn’t forget that.  She could never forget what he’d done for her and her daughter and she didn’t want to forget.  She didn’t want him to ever go away.  She always wanted him around, but what about what he’d said, what he’d forced her to think about?  She loved being in his arms and she felt a pit form in her stomach as she finally admitted that she loved the feeling of his lips on hers as well…so like home…so easy.  But
No
, she thought, she couldn’t enjoy it because she didn’t love him, not the way he wanted, not when there was Jace in her life and not when there was Ben and there would always Ben.

Chapter 39

The awkwardness returned and as it lingered, Kathryn was afraid it would never go away.  It was just too strange.  The friendship with Luke that had once come so easily was now a strain to even act normal around each other, but they both tried, for Sarah’s sake. 

She’d be lying if she said she didn’t think about the conversation with Luke…a lot.  Whenever she saw him, his words echoed in her ears and she’d really be lying if she didn’t question everything he said because even if she didn’t want to admit it, part of her knew there was some truth to his words and it scared her. 

She tried not to think about it though. She couldn’t think about it.  Instead, she stayed busy with Sarah, school, and Jace.  Spending time with Jace was a good distraction. She loved seeing him with Sarah.  He was kind and sweet and Sarah seemed to like him too. He would come over after work and they’d play with Sarah till she went to bed and then they would watch TV together or just talk.  He was easy to talk to, but she still couldn’t let her barrier down completely.  The closer they got, the more it scared her.  She tried not to let it show though and if it did, Jace didn’t let on.