After the Sky Fell Down (34 page)

“Are you okay?” Jace asked and Kathryn realized she was squeezing his hand harder than she probably should be.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” she said ripping her eyes away from the picture and looking at Jace.

“I don’t believe you.”

“I just have a lot on my mind.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked, but she shook her head.

“C’mon Kathryn,” he encouraged. “Whatever it is, you can talk to me.”

As she looked at him, she knew he was telling the truth.  He would listen to her, no matter what she told him.

“I’m just such a mess.”

“You’ve been through a lot.”

“I should be better by now.”

“Who says?”

“It’s been almost two years since he died.”

“So?”

“But I should be ready to move on by now,” she said trying to convince herself.

“W
ho says?  There’s no time table on this kind of stuff.”

“But, I feel like it’s wrong to have feelings for someone else, like I’m cheating on him or something.”

“You have feelings for someone else?” he asked raising an eyebrow to her and smiling.

She felt her cheeks redden and then suddenly felt like she could tell him anything.

“Maybe,” she said slyly.

“And might this person be in the room with you?”
he asked, toying with her.

“Perhaps.”

“It’s not wrong…your feelings for this person,” he said quietly, reaching up and stroking her hair.

“Then why is it so hard?” she asked knowing he didn’t have the answer.

“Kathryn,” he said brushing her cheek. “You and him…Ben, it’s not like you chose this.  You didn’t have a fight and break up.  He passed away and you had no choice in that, which is why I think it’s harder for you to accept…because you had no say and you were left to take care of Sarah by yourself.  I’m no expert, but that’s just my take on it.”

But he was right.  She was angry because it had all been out of her cont
rol.  Their relationship had no closure.  It had been perfect and then he was gone.  He’d done nothing wrong and she’d done nothing wrong and yet it was over in the blink of an eye.  One minute her life was perfect and the next her life was over.

“You can’t let it destroy you though,” he said as his thumb gently stroked the back of her hand.

She was surprised at how easy it was to talk to Jace about everything.  It was as if she’d known him much longer than she had.  She knew most guys would have run out the door screaming instead of listening to all her baggage, but Jace didn’t seem like most guys and her eyes began to fill with tears.

“You’re right.  I know that and I’m sorry for dumping you with all of this.  I’m surprised it wasn’t easier to talk yourself into taking off because of all my craziness.”

“I kinda like you,” he smiled.

“I kinda like you too,” she said smiling back and then their eyes locked.

He turned on his side, still holding her hand and draping his free arm over her waist, pulling her closer to him.  He looked down at her face and searched her eyes, which were filled with such sorrow and grief, but as he looked deeper into them, he saw a spark of life and as he ran his hands through her hair, she seemed to smile at him with her eyes.

As he stared down at her, the world seemed to disappear.  His hands brushed through her hair, sending chills down her back.  She watched his eyes search her face and she felt herself reach up and wrap her hand around his neck. He slowly lowered his head, his warm breath teasing her mouth.  He licked his lips lightly and then gently, pressed his lips to hers for their first kiss so softly that it felt like a cushion of air.  As his mouth touched hers she was tense at first, unsure about the unfamiliarity.  An image of Ben flashed through her mind, and then she opened her eyes to see Jace above her and the image of Ben vanished and for the first time she was completely focused on Jace.  There was no Ben, just Jace and it made her heart r
ace.  He opened his eyes, checking to make sure she was okay.  She smiled and pulled him gently down to her again, their lips meeting more firmly this time.  She closed her eyes and began moving her lips with his.  After a few moments, he pulled away slowly, looking down at her once more, smiling.  He kissed the corner of her mouth softly, and then he laid back pulling her down to rest her head on his chest.  He wrapped his arm around her and she draped her arm over his chest, lying quietly for a few minutes.  Jace gently played with her hair, brushing the top of her head, and without warning, memories of Ben doing the same thing snuck into her mind.  She closed her eyes, begging them to go away, and eventually they did, allowing her to focus once again on Jace.

“I’ve wanted to do that since the first night I met you,” he said quietly. 

“And now that you have?”

“Just as perfect as I imagined,” he said kissing the top of her head.

She scooted closer to him, amazed at how comfortable she was like this with him.  When Ben died she thought she had shut herself down to ever feeling this way again, but with Jace she was feeling again.  She wanted to get to know him more, to spend time with him, to lie in his arms like this again.  He was just what she needed, but as she glanced quickly to the picture of Ben on the nightstand, she wondered what he was thinking.

Chapter 34

The night with Jace had been great.  Sharon had dro
pped Sarah off and while she had looked at the dark haired guy sitting in the living room curiously, she hadn’t said a word about him and then they spent the rest of the night playing with Sarah until she went to bed.  When Luke came home, he seemed surprised to see Jace at the house, but didn’t say anything besides hello and spent the rest of the night in his room. 

Since then, she’d talked to Jace every day and they’d hang out after class when they could.  Each day she grew more and more comfortable and Sarah was growing
fonder of him too.  Kathryn was happy for the first time in a long time. 

She admitted she was impressed with Luke’s attitude.  He said he’d lay off and he had.  He and Jace were cordial, but it was obvious they weren’t going to be best friends.  She could tell Luke was still cautious, but at least he was keeping it to himself and observing from a distance.  She couldn’t help but notice though that since she’d been spending time with Jace, Luke wasn’t home as early or as often.  He did, however, make sure to always kiss
Sarah goodnight.  Despite this though, she knew he was distancing himself and she wished he wouldn’t and didn’t know why he was.  She planned to talk to him about it at dinner at the Bradley’s.

After Sarah was born, Sharon had started hosting Sunday dinner again once a month.  The tradition had died with Ben but had been reborn with his daughter.  She knew Sharon and Scott loved having them all over
for dinner and Val and Dom doted on Sarah, but it was still difficult for Kathryn to go to their house and take part in something she’d done so much with Ben and have him not be there. 

Tonight was no different as she sat in the living room, watching Sarah walk all over Scott and then toddle over to Val and curl up on her lap.  She watched Sarah with Ben’s family and longed to see her interacting with Ben.  She found herself glancing around the house, trying to be as subtle as she could, waiting for him to appear.  A few times, she would catch a glimpse of Luke walking by and for a second, she would mistake him for Ben.  She hated living like this, waiting around for someone to return who was never going to come home.  And the times she thought she might be okay, he always came back, reminding her how much she’d loved him and still loved him and she could never let go of him.

She sat quietly on the couch, just watching the family.  Everyone was there except Ben, of course, and Allie.  She was supposed to go to URI with Luke, but she’d realized it would be too difficult with so many memories of her older brother there.  Instead, she’d gone to Plymouth State in New Hampshire.  She knew Luke missed his twin sister, but she’d done what she needed to do, just as he had.  Kathryn missed her too, in a way.  She’d never been close to Allie.  Allie had never been rude, but Kathryn had always gotten the impression Allie didn’t think Kathryn or anybody for that matter, was good enough for her older brother.  Since Ben died, she was even more of an enigma.  Kathryn wanted Sarah to know her aunt, but Allie kept a distance.  She always got her presents for special occasions, but it was nothing more than that.  Perhaps it was too hard, seeing her brother’s child and seeing parts of him in Sarah knowing she’d never see him again.  Kathryn knew that had to be the case.  She’d separated herself from Luke as well, and they were twins after all.  It was hard to look at Luke sometimes and see so many of Ben’s attributes.  For Allie it was probably easier just to stay away.  Kathryn sometimes felt like doing the same. 

“You’re awfully quiet tonight Kathryn,” Sharon piped in.

“I’m just tired,” she said, hoping Sharon wouldn’t keep prying.

“You look tired,” she agreed sitting down next to her. “You look like you could use a good night’s sleep.”

“A good night’s sleep?  What’ s that?” she laughed sarcastically.

“Sarah hasn’t slept over lately.  Why don’t you let us give you a break?”

“I can’t ask you to do that Sharon,” Kathryn said, but she knew Sharon wanted nothing more than to keep Sarah overnight.  She loved her alone time with her granddaughter and Kathryn knew Sharon preferred having Sarah around when Kathryn wasn’t there.

“Of course you can.  What do you say Sarah?  You wanna stay over with Grammy?” she asked, her tone changing to the high pitched voice she always used with Sarah. 

“Yeah!” Sarah shouted out, scootching off Val’s lap and running into Sharon’s waiting arms.

“You can’t say no to that Kathryn,” Sharon said giving Sarah a big smooch on the cheek. “What do you say?  You go home and just relax and get a good night’s sleep.”

Sarah adored Sharon almost as much as Sharon adored Sarah.  This was probably due to the fact that Sharon spoiled her relentlessly.  She knew Sarah loved sleeping over at the Bradley’s.  She had a more exciting room at their house compared to the one in Kathryn’s apartment.  They’d converted Ben’s old room into a nursery for Sarah and she loved it in there.  Kathryn smiled and looked down at her daughter who seemed so content in her grandmother’s arms.  She hated being away from Sarah, but she had to admit, she was more tired than usual and the thought of an uninterrupted night’s sleep was something she couldn’t pass up.

“Alright.  But I’ll come get her first thing in the morning,” Kathryn agreed.

“Take your time,” Sharon said with a big smile and then she scooped Sarah into her arms as they stood up. “Now then,” she said kissing Sarah again. “Since mommy’s going home, we’re going to go give you a bath.  Say goodnight.”

Kathryn stood up and kissed Sarah on the cheek.

“I love you baby.  Have fun with Grammy.”

“Nye, nye,” Sarah said kissing Kathryn back and then waving as Sharon pranced off with her to the bathroom.

She sat back down and then Luke walked in.  He looked around curiously and then his eyes met Kathryn’s.

“Where’s the munchkin?” he asked.

“Your mom kidnapped her for the night.”

“Big surprise,” he said sarcastically. “I think that kid’s the onl
y reason she has us over anymore.”

“I agree,” she laughed.

“You wanna head out then?” he asked.

“Yeah.  I’m pretty tired.”

“Alright.  Let’s go.”

They made their rounds saying goodbye to everyone and then heading out to the car.  Luke offered to drive since she was so tired and they still had a
nearly half-hour ride back.

The drive was quiet for the most part.  The radio played softly, but Kathryn didn’t like the silence, especially not with Luke.

“It’s a beautiful night,” she said looking out the window up towards the sky. “Ben and I used to lie out and look at the stars during nights like this.”  She was smiling, recalling the memories, thinking she’d give anything to be able to do that just one more time.

“Yeah, I remember you guys doing that,” he said, keeping his eyes on the road.

“Luke?” she asked now that the silence had been broken. 

“Yeah?” he asked glancing over to her quickly before looking back to the road.  She still hadn’t had the chance to talk to
him about his distance and then she figured now was as good a time as any.

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah.  Why do you ask?”

“You’ve just…I’ve just…I’ve noticed that…that you’ve been kinda distant lately,” she said quietly.

“I’m just busy,” he said, but she didn’t buy his copout. 

“Are you sure?  Because I feel like you’re hardly home anymore.  You used to be there all the time and now, it’s like you just come home to sleep and then you’re gone again.”

He was quiet again and she could tell he was thinking by the way his brow furrowed.

“Well, you’re with Jace a lot.  I didn’t think you’d notice or care,” he said.  His tone wasn’t condescending or hateful, but painfully full of truth.