After Nothing (24 page)

‘It matters to me.’

I picked up the plastic container that had the granola in it, and returned it to the cupboard. I was trying to think of what would comfort Kane when I spotted the rat droppings.

I quickly closed the cupboard, the container still in my hand. My eyes met Kane’s.

‘I already seen them,’ he said.

‘Fuck!’ I didn’t yell it, but my voice was definitely heightened.

‘We’ll need to get another cat.’

‘Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.’

‘It’s okay, Nat.’

‘But the fucking rats are back. Fuck!’

He smiled.

‘It’s not funny, Kane.’

‘I ain’t laughing.’

But he was smiling pretty hard.

‘I miss Tank,’ I moaned.

Kane’s smile slipped. ‘Yeah, me too. I’ll make sure to put an assload of bait out.’

He put his bowl of uneaten granola in the refrigerator and took my hand.

We went back to bed and lay wrapped up in each other’s arms as the time ticked closer to my alarm going off.

‘I just don’t get that he could change my name from what my momma called me,’ whispered Kane.

I found his hand and entwined our fingers.

‘You can change it back if you want. I’ll call you Alexander.’

‘But that don’t feel like me.’

He cleared his throat in the darkness, and there was a tightness to his voice when he said, ‘It is a decent name, right? I mean, I don’t want it – just never thought she’d given me a middle name.’ His voice trailed away.

I knew what he was getting at; what he was wishing for. It wasn’t hard for me to confirm what I knew would have been the truth anyway.

‘She must have loved you like crazy, Kane. Alexander Bryant. A lot of thought goes into a name like that. And if I were her, I’d be furious that my brother changed my baby’s name. Bet she’s up in heaven all annoyed about it.’

I felt Kane’s smile against the shell of my ear. And then I felt it disappear as well.

‘I’m supposed to be twenty next week, Nat. And I’m already two months past twenty-one. I just don’t feel like I’m twenty-one.’

‘We could still celebrate your birthday.’

‘No. I just want to forget it all.’

I tilted my head back, pressing a kiss to his cheek. Our mouths met, but the comforting warmth of his lips on mine was interrupted by my alarm going off.

I thought a lot about Kane that day, and how Wayne’s actions meant he’d skipped right over being twenty.

I was busy. The builders were close to finishing up, and I had a whole lot of deliveries coming in: food from a new supplier to put away, new purple and red tables and chairs to unpack and position and the new espresso machine to get familiar with.

The whole time, the thought of Kane missing a year of knowing he was twenty was at the back of my mind.

Kane and I both worked the whole weekend. Him finishing off some custom jobs at the workshop, and me cleaning the coffee shop from top to bottom. It took me two days of non-stop cleaning. I discovered that builders’ dust gets in everywhere, and it took me three attempts to get the oven in the kitchen to a level of cleanliness that I found acceptable. By the time Sunday evening came around, the place couldn’t have got any cleaner, and the windows couldn’t have got any more sparkling, and I couldn’t have been any more tired.

As I was locking up the shop Melissa called me.

We’d grown apart in a lot of ways. I mean, she’d been awesome about staying in touch after I dropped out of school. But my life had changed, and hers hadn’t. And it wasn’t that I wanted her to go through what I had. Having to fend for myself, and struggling to survive. It was just that those things meant I wasn’t interested in talking about people at school, or what clothes she should spend her allowance on.

Since she’d gone away to college a few months ago, she’d taken to social media in a big way. I followed her on everything, and most of her posts were funny, but at the same time they showed just how different our lives were. Like her being in a sorority. That was just about as far from my life as you could get. At the same time though, Melissa was who she’d always been – someone I could count on.

‘Bitch, why haven’t you returned any of my calls?’ she demanded in my ear.

‘You ring me when I’m working or asleep.’

‘So? Call me back. I was worried you’d been eaten by rats.’

I groaned. ‘Mel, they’ve come back.’

‘That is fucking disgusting. What if one eats your face off while you’re sleeping? What is that boy thinking, making you live there? How’s Kane anyway?’

With that one question everything about how exactly Kane was came pouring out.

‘You can’t repeat it, Mel.’

‘Shut up, Natalie. Who do you think you’re talking to? Someone who isn’t your best friend? You might have forgotten that about us, but I haven’t.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘You should be. Now, I know exactly how you can make that boy feel better.’

I waited until the night of what would have been his twentieth birthday.

We weren’t celebrating it as such, but I’d made him one of his favorite meals, spaghetti and meatballs, as well as an apple pie for dessert.

He had a forkful of spaghetti and meatballs midway to his mouth when I said as casually as possible, ‘Kane, we need to celebrate you turning twenty-one, even if you want to ignore today.’

‘No, we don’t,’ he said shortly.

‘I know the date’s been, but I think you should take this Saturday off work.’

‘I don't want to talk about this shit.’

‘For your birthday, I thought I’d give you a day.’

‘A day?’ he said, reaching for his drink.

‘Yes. A day when I’ll do anything you want.’ I swallowed before adding, ‘And let you do anything you want to me.’

Kane put his drink back down.

‘What?’

‘You heard.’

A slow smile crept across his face. ‘Anything I want? And you won’t argue or nothing?’

‘No, I’ll do whatever you say.’

He gave this nod like he’d think about it, and went back to eating his dinner. Throughout the rest of the evening, though, I kept catching him looking at me, and when we were both brushing our teeth he smiled at me in the mirror the whole time.

When we went to bed he said, ‘You know, Nat, there’s stuff I’ve been wanting to do, that you’re not –’

‘I know,’ I interrupted.

‘But you’ll do it?’

‘Yes, Kane, I’ll do anything you want.’

He thumped his pillow and then grinned into it as he lay down.

I picked up my phone and messaged Melissa. ‘It worked.’

She messaged back immediately. ‘I told you.’

Kane decided that he wanted me naked for the whole day. He told me the night prior, and then woke me up early. He pulled his t-shirt, which I’d worn to bed, off over my head. I’d barely had the chance to greet him with a ‘morning’ before he was inside me. It was hard and fast, and over so quickly it took me a moment to realize I wasn’t going to be getting off.

‘Are you kidding?’

‘Later,’ he said with a grin.

I narrowed my eyes at him.

‘Breakfast?’ said Kane.

I started to get out of bed.

‘No clothes,’ he reminded me.

I threw the t-shirt I’d gone to sleep in at his face. He laughed.

And that’s how the day went. Me naked and Kane ordering me round.

It was a good day. Kane and I hadn’t laughed that much in forever. Especially when I moved around the house trying to avoid the windows that didn’t have curtains on them. We went out – I was allowed my coat and some shoes. We went to three coffee shops. Despite it being his day, Kane did that for me. I know he would rather have had me standing beside him at a video arcade or something, but he knew I had a new love of coffee shops. Trying to spy their kitchen layout if I could; the equipment they had. Noting coffee brands, and the quality of food they were selling.

I picked up a few ideas – not many. It’s hard not to get distracted when your boyfriend keeps looking at you in a way that shows how aware he is that you’re naked under your coat. And
especially
when he glides a hand between your coat buttons, when you’re standing, or slides a hand up your thigh, when you’re sitting.

We went to a movie. It was in its last week, and apart from three teens sitting near the front, the cinema was empty. The film was a horror: Kane’s choice. I barely got to watch a minute of it though. The cinema had just darkened and the opening credits just finished when Kane leaned toward me and spoke in my ear.

After I’d gone down on him, and swallowed – at his request – Kane did up his fly and stood up.

‘Let’s go,’ he said, his breathing revealing that he hadn’t quite recovered yet.

I was still on my knees, popcorn kernels digging into my skin.

‘We’re not going to watch the movie?’ I whispered.

‘Nah, we’re going home. I ain’t wasting a moment of this day.’

I could actually see the glint in his eyes as he helped me up.

‘You have to remember you love me, Kane.’

‘You worried, baby?’

I thought about it, and then shook my head. I trusted him, no matter what.

Just then someone screamed as they got murdered with an ice pick in the movie.

‘I hope you’re having a good birthday, Kane.’

‘Baby, I’m having the
best
birthday.’

Kane told Bey and Reesey his real name and age the following week. We were at their place, and had just finished eating a chicken pie I’d cooked. We’d been doing that a few times since Reesey had had the baby. I’d make dinner for all of us, and then we’d take it across and eat at their place.

It wasn’t like Reesey needed me to do that. She was completely under control with Joey’s arrival – running her house while being the most amazing mom. But we’d spent so much time together we were becoming more like family, and being in each other’s company was never awkward or annoying. And I loved any excuse to get my hands on Joey.

We had all just moved to the living room so Reesey and I could gaze at Joey, awake and cooing on a sofa cushion, when Kane just came out with it. Told Bey and Reesey what Wayne had done.

They were both great about it. Bey was adamant that Kane had earned his fights, saying that weight, not age, was the main factor.

‘But I always won,’ said Kane earnestly.

‘Not ’cause you older. You always the better fighter.’

Kane wasn’t convinced. Bey leaned forward in his seat.

‘K-man, I’ve seen you kick a guy’s ass ten years older than you. Motherfucking gorilla, remember? None of us were gonna take him on.’

‘What guy?’ I asked sharply. ‘And who’s “us”?’

Bey quickly reached for his drink. Reesey raised an eyebrow at him.

‘He was no one,’ said Kane.

‘Yeah, jus’ no one with a crowbar,’ replied Bey. ‘Smashed in the motherfucking windscreen of the car we in.’

‘Why did he do that?’ I asked suspiciously.

‘’Cause it was his car,’ said Bey. He was close to laughing, but one look at Kane killed the smile on his face. ‘Nigga, it’s called an age
range
; it was fair.’

Kane glanced at me. I didn’t know what to say. I could hardly agree with Bey, because Kane and I both knew it wasn’t the exact truth. Some of his fights were unfairly in his favor. In the end I gave him a small smile. ‘Please don’t take on men with crowbars.’ He didn’t smile back.

It was Reesey who eventually made him feel better. She told him how much she loved the name Alex, and said that if they hadn’t called the baby Joseph he would have been Alexander.

‘We thought about it for a middle name, but then we decided to keep it in case we have another boy,’ she said, casting a warm look in Bey’s direction. ‘Have you thought about making your name Kane Alexander?’ she continued, straightening in her seat. ‘Actually, that’s a really nice name. Or you could have two middle names, with Bryant as well?’

It wasn’t what Reesey suggested. It was the way she spoke, and the way she looked when she spoke: like she really cared, and it was just as important to her as it was to you.

It worked. We all relaxed; Kane shifted the conversation between him and Bey back to sport, and Reesey and I returned to doting on Joey.

I started going to my old church again. I hadn’t been since Mom had kicked me out of home. If it wasn’t for Reesey deciding to attend, I probably wouldn’t have gone back. Reesey hadn’t had a religious upbringing, but she had decided she wanted to know more about being a Christian. Reverend Joe’s church was the only one she would attend, and she asked me to come with her the first time. Once I was there I realized how much I’d missed it.

Reverend Joe’s church wasn’t the most convenient to where we lived, but Kane had bought a car a month back, and if Bey wasn’t around Kane would always drop Reesey, Joey and me off and then pick us up afterward.

One night Reesey and Bey told Kane and me that they’d decided to get Joey baptized. They asked us to be his godparents. I was ecstatic. Kane was hesitant and really worried about it. Straight up, he told Bey and Reesey that he didn’t know if he believed in God.

‘I don’t believe in no God,’ said Bey.

‘Yes, you do,’ said Reesey.

‘Kane,’ I said, ‘you’ve told me you think there’s something more than just us. Something that can’t be explained. And anyway, I believe in God enough for both of us.’

Bey shrugged at Kane.

‘Keep the bitches happy, bro.’

Reesey and I hugged.

‘Thank you for choosing us.’

‘Nat, there’s no way I’d choose anyone else.’

When Julie, Reverend Joe’s wife, invited us to dinner, Kane and Bey were included in the invitation. They both came: Kane reluctantly, Bey much more happy about it, although he looked just as bashful as Kane when Reverend Joe said he was missing them both each Sunday. Reesey and I were surprised he’d noticed – since his arrival, that church had gotten so popular there was barely standing room some Sundays.

The reverend left it at that though, and changed the subject to sports, which Kane and Bey both seized on. Soon, to Julie’s chagrin, they had the television on and were watching a game.

It was a big house, and had had lots of additions to it over the years. Even though it was on the neighboring property to the church, it had a big conference room out to one side of it, specifically for church meetings. Near the roadside there was also a small self-contained unit for visitors.

Since I’d last been there, Revered Joe and Julie had made some changes. They’d painted inside and out, and there was new carpet, and a brand new kitchen. They’d renovated the self-contained unit for visitors to the church, and they’d also pushed out some walls in the house to make a couple of the bedrooms bigger for the foster kids they took in.

That night, there were five foster kids there, in addition to the Drummonds’ own four kids. One of them, a girl about eleven, did not talk once the entire evening. Another two, seven-year-old twin boys, were unable to sit still for two seconds, and yelled rather than spoke.

Later that same night, Reesey and I were outside with Julie, admiring the roses she had nurtured into full bloom along the long brick wall that ran behind the house.

Reesey’s admiration was a lot more genuine than mine. When she inhaled the scent of a dusky pink rose, she murmured the word ‘heavenly’. I sniffed it and thought it smelled too sweet. I didn’t say so though; just made a sound like I liked the smell. Then Julie confided to us that she and the reverend were in the process of adopting two of the kids they were fostering.

‘How do you choose which kids?’ I asked her.

‘It’s difficult,’ admitted Julie. ‘But for now we’re just taking the two who need us most.’ She named two sisters, who’d been nearly as badly behaved as the twin boys throughout dinner. ‘Our last neighborhood was nothing like this. There was abuse, sure; that’s everywhere. But it wasn’t so blatant. These children are just being continuously thrust at us, and we’re having to tell social services we can’t take any more right now. Even having Sarah working full time helping me care for them, we can’t take any more.’

I always made sure to speak to Aunt Sarah after church, and she’d always update me on each of the kids under her care.

‘She says that you work too hard,’ I said, lightly pressing my finger to a thorn, and quickly pulling it away when it jabbed me harder than I expected.

‘
She
works too hard,’ said the reverend’s wife. ‘But she’s too stubborn to say when it’s too much for her. Some days I think she’s going to collapse from running around after all these kids.’

‘I’m not working,’ said Reesey suddenly, straightening from her close inspection of a yellow rosebud. ‘I could help. That is, if you’ll have me.’

Reesey’s smile was tentative, but her expression was earnest.

Julie also smiled.

‘That’s kind, and if you weren’t a new mom I’d say yes. But you’ve got your hands full raising your own little one. He’s so new to the world – he needs all your love and attention for the time being. That’s how I raised my babies, and right now I’m glad that for a time they were my whole world. It’s what makes them strong now, when they’re having to cope with all these new faces coming in and out of their lives.’

‘I could still help a little,’ offered Reesey. ‘As long as I can bring Joey with me. Just to give you or Sarah a break every now and then. I’ll talk to Beyden about it, but I know he won’t mind.’

‘How about you wait till Joey’s a little older, then we can look at it? There’s nothing worse you can do to yourself or him than interrupt his routine. Have the first year with him, Reesey. You don’t get it again.’

They went back to discussing the roses, while I stayed silent. I wasn’t going to offer to help, that was for sure. There were nine kids at that house. I wasn’t spending my spare time looking after nine kids. Early the following Sunday morning, though, I found myself in the kitchen baking a double batch of chocolate chip cookies. Every Sunday after that I made sure to drop off baking at the Drummonds’ house before church.