After Nothing (21 page)

I spat at him.

And everything changed.

He was always so damn fast. I heard the crack of my head hitting the wall before I felt the pain. Not pain in my chest gutting me from the inside, but an outward wave of nauseating pain, followed by an unbearable pressure at my throat. I couldn’t breathe. My hands clawed at my neck, trying to find the source of the constriction.

It was Kane.

I fell to the floor.

I managed to get up onto my hands and knees, only to fall forward as I threw up. The day’s digesting food spewed out onto the thin wooden planks with each heaving retch of my stomach. A vomit-covered hand went to my neck as I tried to free it from Kane’s grasp, because it still felt like I was in his vicelike hold. Again and again I touched my skin, wanting to pull his hand free and release the crushing pressure against my throat, but his hand wasn’t there. I managed short gasping breaths as I looked up. He was standing against the far wall.

I couldn’t make out his expression, but I heard him say, ‘Why’d you have to do that?’

I threw up again, and then closed my eyes because it didn’t seem like I had much choice in the matter.

When I opened them again it was to cool hands touching my forehead.

‘Oh Nat,’ said Reesey softly. She leaned over me, and I felt her sleeve wipe against the back of my neck, then her hand gently part the hair at the back of my head.

‘Can you get me some tissues, Beyden?’

I caught sight of the blood on her sleeve.

‘You’re gonna be okay, Nat.’

My stomach heaved again, but I’d obviously run out of food in my stomach, because instead of vomiting I dry retched.

‘Here,’ said Bey, returning with toilet paper.

‘She should see a doctor,’ said Reesey.

‘You can watch her.’

‘Beyden, she needs stitches.’

‘Jus’ tape it,’ ordered Bey.

Reesey didn’t argue with him. She crouched down beside me, and pressed the toilet paper against the back of my head.

‘Do you want to see a doctor, Nat?’

Instead of my normal speaking voice, my response came out in a hoarse painful whisper.

‘No. Thank you for helping me.’

Reesey made a gentle sound, as though to comfort and shush me at the same time. She was wearing the pale yellow skirt she’d been wearing on the day we first met. Part of its hem was lying in my vomit.

‘Where’s Kane?’ I attempted to get up, but Reesey stopped me. ‘I need to talk to him.’ In my desperation I increased the volume of my words. It made the inside of my throat feel like it had been sliced open.

‘He’s at our place, Nat. You can talk to him later.’

‘I made him do it.’

‘It’s okay, Nat.’

‘I did: you have to believe me.’

I looked up at her, and then around for Bey, but he was no longer there.

‘Don’t worry about that now,’ said Reesey, putting her arms around me.

It wasn’t until I felt the steady warmth of her body against mine that I realized I was cold, and shaking – badly. ‘Please get Kane for me.’ My voice broke on the words, the pain causing me to cry out without sound.

‘Nat, you just have to let me help you, okay?’

‘But what about Kane?’ My whisper was so quiet even I could barely hear it. ‘I don’t know what to do.’

‘It’s okay. I do.’

It became deathly quiet in our house after that night. Kane stopped coming home after work. I didn’t know where he was sleeping; I just knew it wasn’t next to me. But he always came home at four in the morning, in time to walk me to the bus stop.

We went into a kind of holding pattern, only ever seeing each other for that walk to the bus stop on weekdays, and not seeing each other at all on weekends.

We never spoke about what had happened.

I spent most afternoons with Reesey. Bey was often not at home, and she didn’t work. About a week after it all happened, we were sitting outside in the sun on some outdoor beanbags Bey had brought home the night before, when Reesey asked me if I was getting headaches. I was, but I didn’t want to tell her, so I lied and said no.

There was so much kindness in her face. I mean, that’s just how Reesey looked all the time anyway – she was the kindest person I’d ever met – but now it was like there was extra understanding in her expression. Her eyes traveled to my neck.

‘The bruises round your neck are nearly gone.’

I nodded, and took a sip of the coffee she’d made me.

‘And your voice seems better.’

‘It feels better. Where did Bey get the beanbags?’

Reesey sighed, placing a hand on her growing belly. ‘I don’t know, but I’m sure someone somewhere is missing them. I’ve been wanting some outdoor furniture, and we had a fight the other night. He’s trying to make it up to me.’

‘You and Bey fight?’

‘If it’s over something bad enough.’

Reesey picked up the herbal tea on the ground beside her. She put it down again without taking a sip.

‘He told me about the first time he met you.’ There was a tremble in her voice.

‘I’m sorry, Reesey.’

‘Girl, what have you got to be sorry for? Don’t be sorry. I’m sorry. Sorry the father of my child can’t keep his hands to himself.’

‘He hasn’t done anything since. I mean, he doesn’t even make me feel uncomfortable or anything around him. It’s like it never happened.’

‘He wishes it had never happened. Girlfriend, I am gonna make him pay. You want your lawns mown? Beyden will do it. Any other jobs? Just write them down.’

I giggled and Reesey smiled. ‘Natalie, that’s the first time I’ve heard that.’

‘Heard what?’

‘A giggle out of you.’

In the early hours one Friday morning, when we were halfway to the bus stop, I asked Kane where he’d been sleeping.

‘Wherever I can get a bed.’

‘You getting it somewhere else?’

He didn’t say anything, but the look he gave me was answer enough.

It hurt. Just like the last time he’d slept with other girls. But this time I didn’t have the same reaction. ‘We haven’t broken up, Kane.’

‘We sure as hell ain’t together. And what do you care? You don’t want me.’

‘If we’re not together, why are you still walking me to the bus stop?’

‘Make sure nothing happens to you.’

‘If you’re not my boyfriend then it’s nothing to do with you what happens to me.’

‘You want me to stop?’

‘I want you to stop fucking other girls.’

‘You don’t get it both ways.’

‘I didn’t ask you to move out.’

‘No, I decided that,’ said Kane, looking straight at me.

‘I really hate you.’

‘You should.’

I stopped walking.

Everything felt like such a mess. Nothing he did was right. Even when he hurt me it wasn’t right. And even though I did hate him, I never stopped thinking about him. I’d sorted all the drawers in his dresser the night before. Refolding clothes that I’d already perfectly folded, because it was the closest I could get to him.

Kane stopped walking too. He stood a couple of paces away, staring at a car on the opposite grass bank. It was missing its wheels, and all its windows had been smashed.

‘This is a shitty neighborhood,’ he said.

‘I’ve been trying to tell you that.’

‘If you want to live in a nice house, in a nice neighborhood, then go do it. Go be with someone else.’

Repulsed just at the idea of it, I put a hand on my stomach.

‘I’m not going to be with someone else.’

Kane turned his gaze on me, and stared at me for a long time.

‘Do you even know what you want?’

‘Yes. I want you to stop cheating on me with other girls.’

‘Cheating on you? Fuck off, Nat. I did everything I could to try and bring you back to me. You never once asked me how I was doing. You think I enjoyed watching you work your ass off ’cause I couldn’t get a fucking job that wouldn’t land me in prison? Then when I do get work, you don’t even once ask me if I like it, or how my day was. You never ask after Wayne. You know I sometimes catch up with Danesh, but you can’t even be civil enough to ask how he is. And not letting me touch you? Can’t fuck you? Can’t even put my hand on your shoulder? What the fuck is that? For three fucking months you won’t let me touch you. Who the hell have
you
been fucking?’

My mouth fell open.

‘No one,’ I managed to stutter. ‘You think I’ve been cheating on you?’

‘You tell me. Someone could be doing you at work for all I fucking know.’

‘No one’s doing me, Kane. No one has ever
done me
except you.’

I started walking again, and he trailed me. I could hear his footsteps, and it was comforting because it was dark, and the intermittent lampposts created more shadows than light.

When we got to the bus stop, it was so quiet all I could hear was my breathing. Then in a sudden rush, Kane pulled me against him and kissed me.

I froze. It was like he was predicting that was what I’d do, because his hands gripped either side of my head, and he said, ‘Try.’

This time, he didn’t force the kiss. He just pressed his lips to mine, and then stayed still.

I could hear both our breathing. I could feel his body moving with each breath, the warm air leaving his body and making the skin on my face tingle. I purposefully took a deep breath, inhaling the air that had moments earlier been inside him.

I reached for his arm. I gripped the cotton of his sweater. I moved my mouth, and Kane pulled me tight against him.

Kissing him was easy. How had I forgotten that? It felt right.

The bus came. Kane released me.

‘You gotta go,’ he said.

I realized I was still clinging to his sweater as though my life depended on it. I made myself unfurl each finger. I got on the bus.

I thought he might come home that night. But he didn’t. It was the end of the week, and I was exhausted, and also thankful that I no longer did weekend shifts. A whole two days stretched out in front of me with no commercial equipment to clean, no powdered sugar to mix and no heavy trays to pull out of beeping ovens.

Since the night everything had blown apart Kane hadn’t taken a single dollar out of our joint bank account, but his wages were still going into it. For once there was money accumulating, but I had no idea how Kane was surviving. I wanted to know. More than that, I was worried about him.

The evening hours disappeared, and suddenly it was midnight and I was still up. Over-tired, I went and looked in the bathroom mirror. My hand went to the back of my head, and I felt the ridge of scarring where the skin had split against the living room wall.

Then I leaned really close to the mirror and stared into my eyes, seeking out the light brown Kane called gold.

It wasn’t gold.

‘Why’d you do it?’ I said to myself. ‘Why’d you have to rip apart our relationship? We were good. He loved me. Even though I’m a fucked-up bitch and never deserved him, I think he did really love me.

‘Why do you hate me, Mom?’

The words came out as a whisper.

I made myself stop.
She
wasn’t allowed in to my life anymore.

My reflection in the bathroom mirror was a pitiful sight. I was crying and I was alone. I was desperate for Kane to come home.

I spent all of Saturday with Melissa. We went to the mall, and she tried to talk me out of the piercings I decided to get. Then she came and watched me get them done. I already had two holes in each of my ears, but I added a third in the lobe of my right ear, and another further up in the cartilage of the same ear. That one hurt like hell. Then I got the left side of my nose pierced with a small stud. When I suggested getting a tattoo, Melissa looked at me like I was crazy, and then bribed me back to her place with the promise of painkillers and wine coolers.

We sat up in her room listening to music and giving each other manicures and pedicures. We got increasingly drunk.

Once all the wine coolers were gone Melissa announced that we were going out.

I grabbed my compact from nearby and checked the mirror for the umpteenth time. My nose was slightly swollen from the piercing, but not enough to draw attention.

‘I’m in.’

‘Will Kane come and meet us?’ she asked, stumbling slightly as she walked toward her closet.

I shook my head. ‘I think we’re over.’

‘What? What happened?’

‘He’s sleeping with other girls.’

‘What? That asshole! When did this start?’

‘At least a month ago. It’s not his fault. It’s mine.’

‘How can it be your fault he’s sleeping with other girls?’

‘Because I fucked it up.’

Melissa sunk to the floor beside her closet. ‘I can’t believe it. Everyone knows how into you he is. You know what? Fuck him. We’re going out. He’s really been cheating on you? How does that even work? You live together.’

‘He doesn’t come home.’

‘Fuck, Natalie. Right, let’s get ready. Seriously, fuck him. We’re going out dancing, and you are going to look so hot. You can wear anything of mine you want.’ Melissa managed to stand back up and open her closet doors. ‘You are going to have your choice of guys tonight. You watch them fall at your feet. Fucking Kane. Like he could do better than you.’

‘Mel, he could do much better than me.’

‘Nat, Kane can eat shit. Fucking, cheating whore. Are you thinking short skirt or tight pants? I’m thinking skirt. Thank God we’re the same shoe size.’

You make a choice. You make a definite choice.

You can seek out other guys, or you can keep yourself for him only.

You ask yourself if you can forgive him, and you know you can.

You ask him if he can forgive you. You ring and he doesn’t answer his cell phone, so you leave that message.

‘Can you forgive me, Kane?’

‘What are you drinking, baby?’

I look at this guy standing in my space, breathing his hot breath on my face.

I don’t want his breath on me. I don’t want his air in my body.

I want every guy to be Kane.

‘She’ll have a vodka and tonic,’ says Melissa.

I ask Melissa to come to the bathroom with me.

‘What’s wrong?’

‘I want Kane back.’

‘Fuck Kane.’

‘No, Mel. It was me. I hurt him.’

When I got home from Melissa’s on Sunday morning, I did what I did every day: cleaned up the rat droppings in the kitchen cupboards. I always made a lot of noise before beginning and then allowed half a minute to pass, so that if any were lingering they’d hopefully leave through the cracks and the crevices that gave them such ready access to the house.

It didn’t always work. Every now and then I saw one. And every time that happened, despite half expecting it, it shocked me.

I swore it couldn’t be legal to live like that. And why didn’t the rats fucking learn? No scrap of food was ever left out. Everything was either in the refrigerator or in airtight plastic containers. I didn’t even leave paper out for them to chew on.

I hated that house, but it had occurred to me that if Kane and I were really and truly over, I wouldn’t be able to afford the rent on my own. I’d have to move out and into one of those boarding places where the kitchen and bathroom were shared.

The idea made the place we were in a whole lot more appealing.

Reesey came over in the afternoon to invite me over for an early dinner.

‘I know you go to bed early ’cause of work, so I thought we could eat at five thirty. Beyden won’t be home till morning. It’ll just be us.’

The thought brightened me no end. I told her I’d bring dessert.

It got later and later, and Reesey and I kept sneaking spoonfuls from the berry cobbler I’d made.

‘Girlfriend, this is the most amazing dessert. You should be a chef, or a cook, or just have a business making lots of these and selling them.’

‘Maybe one day,’ I replied. ‘I have thought about it.’

‘Really?’ asked Reesey through another mouthful.

‘I didn’t know until I started working in the bakehouse, but I actually really like cooking food and baking things.’ I put my spoon down and shrugged. ‘It has its downsides though. I like eating it too.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I used to be about your size.’

‘My size?’ said Reesey, her hand going to her round stomach. ‘Girl, I’m six months pregnant.’

‘You know what I mean. I’ve put on twenty pounds this year. I can’t stop eating.’

‘Do you think you’re pregnant?’ asked Reesey tentatively.

‘I wish.’

‘You want to have a baby?’

I shrugged. ‘If it meant Kane would come home. Which it wouldn’t. He’d go in the exact opposite direction. He doesn’t want kids for a long time. He’d be a good dad though. Although you probably don’t think so.’

Suddenly I just really wanted her to know the truth. I leaned forward in my chair, and looked straight at her.

‘Reesey, I swear, Kane has never done anything like that before. He’s never even hit me. I pushed him to get that angry at me. I pushed him for months. I wanted him to hurt me.’

‘Why?’

‘I don’t know.’

Reesey looked so sad at my words, I quickly added, ‘I know he’ll never do it again.’

‘I hope so, Nat.’ She took a deep breath. ‘Bey and I lived in the same foster home for a while. I know him. Feel like I’ve always known him. If he’d been treated right, if he hadn’t been so badly hurt …’ Reesey looked up from the remains of the cobbler. ‘Sometimes he’s in so much pain, he can’t even think straight.’

‘Pain? From his face?’

‘He’s got nerve damage, and he gets headaches like you wouldn’t believe. For a while he was using – just to control the pain. It was around the time the guy who hurt him died.’

‘His uncle.’

‘He weren’t no uncle. He was a monster. I was glad when he was dead. I think Beyden thought it would be different.’

I felt like she was telling me something, something big.

‘Reesey, what happened to his uncle?’

Reesey looked straight at me. ‘He pleaded insanity ’cause his own son had been killed. Nothing happened to him. It was Beyden who paid. He lost his brother, his mother and his face. If he just hadn’t had the pain …’ She lifted her head and said defiantly, ‘I know who Beyden is. No one knows who he is more than me, and I’m no saint.’

‘You seem like one,’ I offered, while thinking about the fact that Bey was a murderer. Bey.

‘I was pregnant,’ said Reesey, interrupting my thoughts. ‘I lost her at four months. I called her Anise. I could hold her in my hand. There was nothing wrong with her. She was perfect. She was just born too soon.’

A moment passed between us. Her eyes searching mine, my eyes no doubt revealing that I was reeling.

‘Oh God, Reesey. I’m so sorry.’

Something in her broke. Tears flooded her eyes and then overflowed.

‘I’m so much better now,’ she said, looking the exact opposite. ‘And in the long run, I think it’s what’s saved us. Beyden only hurt me once more after that. I was drunk. We’d been out and I’d let someone else buy me a drink. Someone I knew Beyden couldn’t touch. I flirted with him all night. When we got home Beyden hit me. Just once, and then he stopped. Said there was something wrong with him. That he was no good. We both cried for ages. Apart from when I lost Anise, it was the worst night of my life. After that it was still really bad. I was crying all the time, and I knew Beyden was in so much pain and I couldn’t help him ’cause I couldn’t even bear what I was going through.’

I wanted to offer words of comfort, but I didn’t know where to start.

Then Reesey seemed to strengthen a little, although her tears continued to fall.

‘You know Reverend Joe, don’t you?’

‘Yes. Do you?’

Reesey nodded.

‘That man is everywhere,’ I said, and Reesey managed a smile at the tone of my voice.

‘Beyden came home one night, and just said straight out to me that he was sorry he’d killed our daughter. That he’d loved Anise and that he loved me. That he would spend his whole life trying to do right by me. Said he was gonna get clean, and stay clean. Then he asked if I could forgive him.

‘I said yes straightaway – that I forgave him. I hadn’t, though. I felt terrible for him but deep in my heart I couldn’t. She’d been alive inside me. I was feeling her move. She had her whole life ahead of her. And I was her momma. He stole that. All that love was ripped away. There was no way I could forgive him.

‘Then Beyden told me he’d met this priest when he was dropping off a car at the shop that night. Kane had introduced them. Beyden said he and this priest just got talking out in the yard, and Beyden told him everything. What he’d done to me. What he’d done to Anise. He said Reverend Joe prayed over him, and it was like he could breathe again. That he didn’t even have any pain in his face.

‘I wanted that too. I wanted to be able to breathe without feeling my heart was being torn in two. Also, I didn’t want Beyden to feel let off. I was angry that his pain had lessened. Although it was stupid to think that way. It hadn’t really lessened at all. He hadn’t stopped suffering. He never stops, really. It’s always there underneath the surface. I think it was just that he accepted he would have to carry the suffering. That he could carry it and still live.

‘Anyway, I went to the reverend’s church, but it was empty except for a lady doing some dusting, and she said just to go on over to the house next door, that Reverend Joe would be there. I didn’t want to – thought that would be rude – but she was real insistent. She ended up ringing across herself, and Reverend Joe came over to the church. As soon as I saw him I burst into tears, and then cried and cried and cried. He sat beside me in a pew and gave me a handkerchief. When I’d used it up he gave me another one, and said he’d always found it paid to carry two. He was so nice to me – even the lady dusting was nice to me. She came over and patted my arm and said “May Jesus carry your pain away.”’

‘Was she a big lady with grey hair?’

‘Yes.’

‘That’s Aunt Sarah.’

Reesey nodded. ‘She said her name was Sarah. You’re lucky she’s your aunt.’

‘Not a real aunt. What did Reverend Joe say to you?’

‘He said he could get me counseling. He said if I wanted to leave Beyden then there were places I could go, and that I’d have his support. I’ve never had anyone say something like that to me. Not say it, and mean it. When I went home Beyden was there and I told him I was thinking about leaving.

‘He changed, Nat. I mean, he changed everything. His friends practically lived at our old place, and we hardly see them now. I mean, we’ve moved out of the neighborhood, so that helps, but I think Beyden makes it clear to them not to come over. And he’s clean. Doesn’t even drink now.’