Affairs & Atonements (20 page)

The pain of losing Ashton drove deep into her and she smoothed her hair to forcibly calm herself down.

“Please, get out of my house,” Christy said. “I think you’ve said all you needed to say.”

“Fine. But it’s no one’s fault that you decided to run from your own marriage and never stayed in touch with your husband. You lost out on a good man because you chose to have it that way. I don’t understand why then you’re so embittered by me? Because I recognized the good man Ashton was and you didn’t? It’s too late, Christy. You can’t have him now. I won’t let you.”

“Will you shut up? You have absolutely no idea of what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t tell me to shut up. It’s obvious you want Ashton back. You haven’t even cared to deny it.”

Christy picked up a knife and sliced it cleanly through the zucchini. “Can you leave now?” She lifted her eyes up coldly at her.

“Are you gonna stop Ashton from marrying me?” Naomi asked sternly.

“Ashton is a pretty stubborn guy. You think I have the influence to be able to do that?” she snapped back with sarcasm.

Naomi swiveled on her heels and headed towards the door. “You’ve had your turn, Christy. You married him and then you ran. You can’t blame anyone else for the mistakes you made.”

The instant she shut the door behind her, Christy dropped her knife, trembling from the confrontation. How had Naomi known about her feelings for Ashton? Although she had kept her distance from her, she had never been impolite.

She rubbed her temples. Naomi was probably acting on suspicions like any woman would. But what did it matter? The fact was that it wasn’t right to continue her relationship with Ashton if he was going to marry Naomi.

She slid down the front of a cupboard, squatting down onto the floor as she clutched her knees, shivering. She sobbed softly. She had made a mess of her life. She should never have allowed herself to fall back in love with Ashton. Now, she had to find a way to end it altogether.

She knocked softly on JR’s door. When he didn’t reply, she turned the knob and treaded slowly into the room.

He was lying across his bed, leaning over it as he wheeled his skateboard to and fro with his fingers.

“Hey,” she said as she sat beside him. “Aren’t you going to wash-up? Your dad wants to take you out to dinner.”

“Why can’t we have it here like we used to?” he mumbled.

“Perhaps, your dad wants to eat out for a change.” She sighed.

He grew quiet, continuing to wheel his skateboard on the old timber floor.

She watched him for a while. “What’s wrong, honey?”

“I thought he was going to stay for three weeks.”

Her heart clamped immediately. Her son was hurting and there was little she could do to ease his pain.

“Honey, we all knew he was going to go back. It only happens to be three days sooner than we expected.”

“If it wasn’t for Naomi, he would have stayed. Maybe he loves her more than us.”

She threaded her fingers through his hair, trying to comfort him. How could she tell him that she believed the same? That Naomi was his current love in his life. She was his future and they… they were the past he probably desperately wanted to bury.

He laid his head on her lap, hugging her waist. “I really wanted him to stay. I thought if we were really really nice, he would have changed his mind and stayed with us. Like a real family.”

She didn’t say anything, cradling his head in her arms instead.

“Do you think Dad will like us when he has his own family?” he asked.

“JR, of course. You’re always going to be his son,” she said softly. “No one can take that away from you.”

He held tightly onto her and her heart lurched. Is this what it was going to be like each time JR would be separated from his father? She could only pray that he would get used to it. Her tears ran down her face. In all these years, JR had never known his father. He had asked about him but he had never been curious enough to hurt over him. Suddenly she wished Ashton had never returned to their lives.

“Is it because of me, Mom?” he whispered. “Maybe I didn’t do enough to convince him to stay.  Maybe I should have tried harder. I shouldn’t have saved Rusty. I shouldn’t have asked him to make the treehouse. Maybe he didn’t like doing it and that’s why he doesn’t want to stay here.”

“No, no.” She shook her head as she sobbed silently. “It’s not that at all, baby. Your father loves you and he liked doing all those stuff with you. He’s going back because that’s where he lives- with Naomi. He would love to have you live with him but you would have to leave Margaret and me to go there. I’m sure he doesn’t want to separate us either. Honey, I want to be sure you know that your father’s leaving here has nothing to do with you. Okay?”

He didn’t reply, burying his head further into her embrace. She could only hope it meant he was going to be fine.

*****

Morning broke and she found herself with her horses at early dawn. She had spent the night tossing and turning in bed. Finally succumbing to her insomnia, she had risen up early and made her way to the stables through the cold morning mist hovering in her path.

She stood there cradling Sophie’s head in the curve of her shoulders. The beautiful brown mare nuzzled her face against her.

“What was I supposed to do, Sophie?” she whispered into the horse’s ear. “What do I do now?”

She had managed to persuade JR into having dinner with Ashton and Naomi last night, but she had also avoided seeing either of them, instead leaving Margaret to deal with them.

“It was his last night with his father. I don’t know when he will see him again.”

The mare grunted.

“He’s going today. And he would probably be married the next time I meet him. I guess that’s how it was meant to be, Sophie.”

She leaned her head against the horse’s neck, loving the feel of the animal’s warmth against her body.

She stood there, standing at Sophie’s stall for a long while, hugging her, being comforted by her.

*****

She laid some fresh straw in Sophie’s stall and then refilled her feed bucket. She heard the floor creak and assumed it was JR.

“I’ll be out soon, honey, as soon as I clean out Sophie’s stall.”

“Christy,” he said and she tensed.
What was Ashton doing here? Shouldn’t he have left by now?

“Christy, can I talk to you?”

“What about?” she asked tersely as she poured fresh water into Sophie’s water bucket.

He leaned against the door of the stall and watched her quietly. “Christy, we need to talk about us.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.” She walked to the end of the stall and neatened up the bed of straw.

“Could you just come out for a second?”

“I’m really in no mood. I’ve got work to do and you have a plane to catch. So why don’t we just leave it at that.” She picked a load of wet straw with her pitch fork and emptied it into her wheelbarrow.

“I know you’re angry with me-”

“Angry?” She looked up at him and let out a snort. “You can’t imagine how I’m feeling and like always you’ve got it wrong.”

“Christy, you’ve got to trust me.”

“Well, I’m sorry if I can’t. You haven’t quite given me any reason to trust you, Ashton, have you?” She picked up her wheelbarrow and wheeled it out of Sophie’s stall.

He caught her elbow as she brushed past him.

“Christy,” he said, stopping her. “I know I’ve done a poor job at winning your trust but I can’t just tell Naomi about us. I need time.”

“I’ll make it easier for you, Ashton. Why don’t we end the ‘us’ you’re talking about?”

“Christy, please-”

“Come on, Ashton, you know as well as I do, we can’t be together. Naomi’s visit has forced me to face reality. We’re two different people. Yes, we have sexual attraction for each other but how long do you think that will last? A month, two? Then what? We’d be bickering and arguing like two old crows. I’d be annoyed with all your pushy ambitions and you’d be blaming me for ending your career. Let’s just leave it be, Ashton. Please.”

“Perhaps, I would be angry and you would be annoyed. But it wouldn’t mean I’d love you any less.”

“Well, it all sounds good and fine now. But that’s not how it’s going to be forever.”

He held tightly onto her arm, not willing to let her go. “I searched for you for eleven years, Christy. I’m not giving up on us. You’re my wife. I won’t allow you to just leave.”

She shook herself off him, anger flooding through her. “For heaven’s sake, Ashton, will you stop calling me that?”

“And why should I? Aren’t you?”

She shook with rage, her face stained with her tears. “If I am your wife, then why is it I feel like I’m the other woman in this relationship?!”

“Christy.” He moved towards her but she stepped back further away from him.

“Enough! No more, Ashton. I will not take it anymore.” She clutched her fist tightly as she shivered from the pain inside her. “I can’t… take anymore.” She stood quietly, trying to regain her composure. “Do us both a favor and file those divorce papers as soon as you can.”

“I love you,” he said, paling from the realization that she was trying to end things between them.

“I just remembered I never congratulated you on your engagement,” she mumbled. “I wish you and Naomi the best.” She choked back her sobs. “I have to go. I have chores to complete.”

She raced out of the stables before he could try and stop her again. She had loved him to death and then she had hated him to it.
It hurts,
she put a palm over her heart.
It hurts so much.

*****

He leaned back tiredly against the stall door, watching her walk out on him. He knew she wouldn’t have stopped even if he had tried. She had made up her mind about them and no amount of persuasion would have convinced her of how much he loved her.

She kept running from him, distancing herself from him. He was drained off all strength to follow her any more. He was only a man with limitations. How much more was he to do to assure her that there never would be any woman for him but her?

He stood there thinking for a long time, imagining a life without her. And it hurt. It hurt real bad.

*****

“Hey buddy,” he said as he entered the kitchen.

The boy was seated on a chair, playing with the baby squirrel they had rescued two weeks ago.

“Well, look at that.” He admired the little rodent nibbling delightfully on a tiny pine nut. “Hasn’t he picked up?”

“Can you tell how old he is now?” JR asked solemnly.

“Most definitely six to seven weeks.” He leaned closer to brush the squirrel’s fur with his fingers. “His tail is a lot thicker since we found him and he’s beginning to take on solids. He’s quite active as well. But keep him on formula for at least another four weeks, although you can wean him off it slowly after the next two weeks.”

“I wish you were here to help me,” JR said sadly.

“I wish I were here too, son.” He put an arm around his shoulder, comforting him. Here was where he wanted to be, but how could he do that if Christy never wanted him in her life anymore? Perhaps, Chad came with much lesser complications. He had seen how affectionate they had been yesterday. They had wanted to be alone, turning down Naomi’s offer to join them at the park. How had they spent the day? Where had they been?

“Do you have to go?” JR asked, brushing the squirrel’s fur glumly.

“I’ve got to go back to work. But we can stay in touch through video phone. And when you get the chance, you can always visit me.”

JR perked his lips thoughtfully. “Yeah, I suppose.”

“You don’t want to visit me?”

“I do. But I don’t like the thought of leaving Mom and Margaret alone.”

Ashton sighed. He didn’t like the idea either.

“Are you really getting married to Naomi?”

Ashton immediately read the hope in his eyes, the hope that it wouldn’t be Naomi but his mother he would marry. He swallowed nervously. He didn’t want to disappoint the boy, but until he spoke to Naomi, that was how it was going to be.

“Is it okay if I did?” It was the safest answer he could think of. However a question for a question really answered nothing at all.

JR shrugged. “I guess.”

Naomi’s heels clicked against the wooden floors of the kitchen, breaking their moment together. “We have to go, babe.”

Ashton glanced down at the squirrel and patted its head. “Goodbye, Rusty.” He then ruffled JR’s hair. “Are you going to walk me to the cab?”

The boy rose up gloomily.   Ashton tugged him closer to his side as they walked towards the door, his arm wrapped protectively around his small shoulders.

*****

“Margaret.” Ashton gave out his hand to shake hers.

She took it with a small smile. “Take care. And I hope you have a wonderful wedding. Naomi is a beautiful girl.” She gave a little nod towards the woman in the distance giving directions to the cab driver.

“Yeah,” he said slowly.

“Thanks for all you’ve done for us, Ashton. I want you to know how grateful I am of your help.”

“It was nothing, Margaret.”

“It was something.” She insisted. “And don’t you think any less of it. In the time you’ve spent with us, you’ve encouraged us to push on with Lily Grove. I had begun to wonder if we’d ever cope with the new competitions springing up around us. I was scared we’d have to give her up if we couldn’t.”

He smiled and looked over towards the family quarters. She had retreated into it and he hadn’t seen her at all again since their encounter in the stables an hour ago.

Margaret observed him quietly for a brief while. “She’ll be fine too. She just needs some time. She is a strong one, that girl. She always manages to make everything okay.”

“Take care of her for me?”

She nodded and wound her arm around his elbow, strolling alongside him towards the car. “Life is hard and when you come to those crossroads, those ones that put you into a quandary as to which path to take… I’ve learnt that I know I’ve made the right one when my heart is at peace. The anguish leaves your mind, the stress flees your body and your life is finally free from the torture you’re causing it.” She took in a deep breath. “Ahh, the fresh breeze of Puyallup. That helps too.” She turned to him and smiled. “We will miss you.”

*****

Christy sat on an exposed root of the old oak tree, staring up at the branches anchoring the treehouse that her brother and her husband had built together a week ago. Ashton had finally managed to finish it before leaving, pulling in extra hours to have it completed and beautiful.