Actual Stop (15 page)

Lucia stared at me a moment longer, evidently gathering her resolve; the courage collecting in her glassy eyes was practically visible. The muscles along her jaw tensed, and she inhaled slowly. She clenched her hands into fists on top of her knees and opened her mouth. I caught the faintest whiff of alcohol, and my anxiety spiked. Lucia wasn’t much of a drinker.

“Is it her?”

I blinked once, my mind blank. I had no freaking idea what the hell she was talking about.

“Is what who?” But the instant the words were out of my mouth, I knew. Well, at least who the “her” was. The “it” was still fuzzy. My heart bounced back and forth between my lungs, and a cold dread corkscrewed down my spine.

“The woman I met at the diner this morning.” Lucia’s eyes flashed, but her lower lip quivered the way it always did just before she started to cry.

“Allison?” The unease balled up inside me was growing heavier and more oppressive by the second.

“Yes. Allison.”

“What about her?” I felt as though I was creeping precariously across a frozen pond, the thin, brittle ice ready to splinter and crack if I misstepped. My heart thudded painfully. Could she hear it? She had to be able to.

“She’s the one, isn’t she?” Lucia’s eyes were sad now, glistening with unshed tears.

“The one what?” I still wasn’t positive where this conversation was going. I’d never talked about Allison to Lucia. Not once, not ever. And she’d only crash-landed back in my life a little more than twenty-four hours ago. How could Allison be the one anything?

“She’s the woman you were with before me.” Lucia’s voice was a low, pained whisper. “She’s the one who broke your heart.”

I gasped, surprised she’d so easily reached the correct conclusion. How had she done that? Maybe I hadn’t given her enough credit. Or maybe I wasn’t as unreadable as I’d always tried to be. I wasn’t quite ready to concede defeat, however.

“What makes you say that?” I intentionally made my voice soothing and light, trying the exact tone I used when talking to a threat subject who’d just said something bat-shit crazy. And the glint of fury in Lucia’s eye now told me she knew it.

“Are you denying it?” Her voice was louder now, more sure. Its shrill edge made me grimace. It completely contradicted the way she normally spoke, even when upset. How much had she had to drink?

“I was merely wondering what made you deduce that.”

She refused to be diverted. “So it was her?”

I nodded once. “Yes. She’s the last serious relationship I had before you.”

The pageant of varying emotions resumed its play across Lucia’s face. Should I have lied to her? No, that would’ve been more for my own benefit than hers, to assuage my guilt at causing her all this pain. In the long run, being honest with her was probably better. At least she wouldn’t feel betrayed if she discovered the truth later.

“You’ve never mentioned her.”

“No.”

“Why?”

I shrugged. “Nothing to say. She’s in the past. Why discuss it?”

“Did you sleep with her?”

“I assume you mean tonight.” Nice to know she trusted me.

“Yes.”

“No. I didn’t.”

“Are you sure?”

I snorted and rolled my eyes. “I think I’d remember. How the hell can you even ask me that?”

“You wanted to, though, didn’t you?”

I hesitated, and that was apparently all the response Lucia needed. She wrapped her arms around her middle and began rocking back and forth as if in intense pain. She closed her eyes, and one lone tear from each leaked out and made slow tracks down her cheeks. Shit. I should’ve just lied to her about that part. Unfortunately, lying outside of an undercover op had never been my strong suit.

“Luce.”

“What?”

“Come on.”

“Come on, what? You wanted to sleep with someone else.”

“It wasn’t like that.”

“What was it like, then?” Her tone was razor sharp and cutting.

“It wasn’t a completely formed thought. Not entirely.” Well, except for those brief mental pictures I’d had of Allison in the shower. But they’d been fleeting, and I’d pushed past them as quickly as I could.

“So, what? You were just turned on then?”

“Yes.” I was relieved she seemed to comprehend my dilemma.

She laughed bitterly. “Perfect.”

I frowned. Okay, perhaps she hadn’t understood quite as well as I’d hoped. I wracked my brain, desperate for a better way to explain it to her. “Just a little.”

“There is no such thing as cheating a little bit, Ryan.”

“I didn’t cheat on you!” Was it even possible to cheat on her if we’d never talked about the status of our relationship? I wasn’t sure. I also didn’t want to bring it up.

“You were aroused by another woman!”

“What? You’ve never been attracted to anyone else since we’ve been together?”

“So you admit it, then.”

Damn. I’d walked right into that one. I wanted to smack myself upside the head. Stupid. “Yes. Fine. I admit it. I was a little turned on tonight. But nothing happened.”

“Oh, my God.”

“It isn’t like that’s something I can help, Luce.”

“She’s your ex, Ryan!”

“So?”

“So, that makes it a little different than you just being attracted to some random woman you’ve met on the street.”

“But it’s no different than if you were turned on by Jessie.” I thought I’d hit upon the perfect example that she could relate to.

Agony streaked across her features, and I instantly knew I’d said the wrong thing. “I am not attracted to Jessie,” she spat, her voice venomous.

My heart seized at the heat in her tone, and I clenched my hands into fists on my knees. “No. I wasn’t saying that. But, if you were, it’d make sense. I mean, you guys were together before, so you must’ve been attracted to her at some point. And just because you might feel a spark for her now, it doesn’t necessarily threaten what’s between you and me. That’s all I was trying to say.”

Lucia bit her lower lip and shook her head. Her eyes were brimming with anguish and distrust. “Did she make a pass at you?”

That was laughable in a twisted, painful sort of way. “No. She didn’t.”

A pause. “What if she had? Would you have fucked her then?”

“Of course not!” At least I didn’t think I would have. The almost-kiss in the car flickered in my mind, and my shame threatened to overwhelm me. What if Allison had kissed me? Would I have stopped her? Kissed her back? Did it matter if it hadn’t happened? I hadn’t actually done anything wrong, but I still felt a shade guilty.

“I don’t understand.” Her voice was a strangled sob.

“What don’t you understand?”

“How you can still love someone who broke you?”

“Who said I still love her?”

A bitter smile tugged at the corners of Lucia’s mouth, and she tilted her head to favor me with an exasperated-yet-somehow-expectant look. “Are you saying you don’t?”

I was being led right into a trap, I was sure, but I was confused because she had nothing to trap me with. I hadn’t done anything wrong, so what was she getting at? “Where’s all this coming from, Luce?”

Lucia heaved a big sigh and looked away. “Do you love me?”

“Wh—what?”

“You heard me.”

This was karma biting me in the ass for something. It had to be. Lucia hadn’t mentioned the “l word” once in six months, and now she wanted to know where we stood? If this weren’t happening to me, I’d have laughed.

“Are you sure you want to talk about this now?” I asked hesitantly, still hoping to find a way out of this without everything messily imploding.

“What’s wrong with now?”

“You’re kind of hammered.”

“And?”

Damn. I’d been hoping she’d deny it. I wouldn’t have believed her, but I could have claimed I’d taken her at her word later. “And I just don’t think the best way to have this conversation is when one of us is drunk.”

“I’m not saying anything to you now that I wouldn’t say sober.”

“Oh.”

“So? Are you going to answer my question?”

“I just…I don’t know what to say. I mean, you’ve never seemed interested in feelings before.”

She scowled at me darkly. “What do you think we’ve been doing all this time?”

“I…I hadn’t ever taken the time to label it. I didn’t think you had either.”

“Jesus fucking Christ.” She sounded miserable. I didn’t think she could have sounded any more upset if I’d had an orgy right in front of her. But I still had no idea what I’d done to make her feel that way.

“What is this about, Luce? You’re obviously not upset because we haven’t talked about our feelings.”

“No, I’m upset because I saw you.”

I was perplexed and waited for clarification. None came. “You saw me what?”

“I saw you guys together this morning at the diner. After I left. Through the window. I saw you.”

Okay, now she just wasn’t making any sense. I had no idea what she was referring to, but I knew damn well that neither Allison nor I had done anything to warrant this kind of a reaction. I couldn’t wait to hear her explanation. It had to be good.

“Luce, I don’t know what you think you saw, but I promise, nothing happened. Not at the diner. Not anywhere.” I’d almost slipped and mentioned Allison’s hotel room but caught myself at the last second. Thank God. That wouldn’t have gone over well. Not when she obviously thought I’d been up to no good to begin with.

Lucia had turned to face me and was studying me with an intensity that made me extremely uncomfortable. Her eyes scoured my face, leaving marks I could practically feel. Her eyebrows rose, and her lips parted in surprise as realization flooded her eyes.

“You really don’t know, do you?” Her voice was soft, barely louder than a whisper.

“Know what?”

Lucia’s expression produced an ache inside me. “I’ve waited half a year for you to look at me with a fraction of the adoration I saw in your eyes when you looked at her.”

Well, shit. First Stacey, now Lucia. Could everyone in the world see that I still had feelings for Allison? My blood ran cold as a new thought occurred to me. Could Allison see it? Nausea gripped me as it dawned on me that she most likely could. Well, wasn’t that just perfect?

I opened my mouth to say something, anything, but nothing came out. How could it? I didn’t even know what to say. So many conflicting thoughts and feelings were assailing me, no wonder I couldn’t form a coherent sentence.

I wanted to deny it but was afraid any denunciation would come out sounding halfhearted. And Lucia deserved better than lies from me. Hell, she deserved better than the truth, too, but clearly I’d fucked that up royally.

“At least I know it isn’t me,” Lucia mumbled sullenly.

“Luce—”

She held up a hand. “No. Don’t. Do not patronize me by denying what I saw with my own two eyes. You know what? It’s fine. Really. At least now I know why I could never get you to love me.”

“Were you trying to?” The words were out of my mouth and sounded way more surprised than I’d have liked.

“Did you really not know that?”

Fuck. I didn’t want to have this conversation. Not now. Not when she was bombed, and I was exhausted. I paused and prayed for my phone to ring, for any excuse to flee the scene and leave this unfinished until I’d had some time to think. None came.

“I told you when we started this that I wasn’t relationship material. You said you were fine with that.”

“Yeah, well, things changed.” Her brow furrowed, and her eyes were murderous. Her admission seemed to irritate her.

I took a deep breath and mentally squashed all the insects that were buzzing around just beneath the surface of my skin. “Okay. Things have changed. So let’s have a calm, rational discussion about that.”

She went on as if I’d never spoken. “I’d always wondered why you were emotionally bankrupt. Nice to be able to put a face to the reason.”

Ouch. Emotionally bankrupt? Was she serious? Is that how she saw me?

Her words hit bone, and I winced against the sharp gouges of pain they left. I’d always thought we had a good relationship. I’d gone out of my way to dote on her and make her feel beautiful and special. And I’d been under the impression that I’d done a passable job. She’d never indicated that she needed anything I hadn’t been giving her.

How, then, did I reconcile the past with the words she’d just flung at me? Part of what’d prompted her to say that was the mix of emotions she was mired in, but what if a nugget of truth were in there somewhere? What if some small piece of her really did see me as emotionally bankrupt?

However, a small part of me railed against Lucia and her accusations. Like I said, I’ll take my lumps when and where I deserve them, but I wasn’t willing to accept this. She was speaking as if I felt absolutely nothing for her, as if I’d used her. She was acting like I’d deliberately misled her and then cheated on her, and nothing could be further from the truth.

“That isn’t fair, Luce.”

“Fair? Oh, this’ll be good. I’m not being fair.”

“No, you’re not. How does me looking at Allison in any way diminish how I feel about you?”

“You can’t be serious!”

“I’m absolutely serious. Tell me how.”

Lucia folded her arms defiantly, and a harsh scowl twisted her features into something unpleasant. I’d never thought I’d ever describe her as anything less than beautiful, but I was close now.

“You never look at me like that,” she muttered angrily.

“How do I look at you, then?”

She refused to meet my eyes and didn’t answer.

I rubbed the outsides of my index fingers with the pads of my thumbs. If she’d been drinking, she probably wasn’t logical enough to rationalize with on this point, but I was determined to try anyway.

“Luce, you and Allison are two different people. I’ve had different experiences with both of you, and as a result, I have different feelings for you. I don’t think you should compare my past with her to my present with you.”

Lucia gaped at me. “You don’t?”

“No. I don’t.” I wanted to say a million other things. That I really cared about her. That she was the first woman since Allison who’d made me feel anything. That I wanted to make an honest try at a future with her. But the words stuck in my throat, nearly suffocating me. I swallowed hard, determined to dislodge them and say something—anything—to reassure her, but she spoke first.