Act like a lady, think like a man (18 page)

And she makes me proud to be her man.

You can have this, too. Don’t be another heartbreak story.

Start putting yourself first—get where you want to be, and make your man be all that he can be. Remember this: the number one cause of failure in this country is the
fear
of failure.

Fear paralyzes you from taking action. Don’t be afraid to lose him, because if a man truly loves you, he’s not going anywhere.

15  
Q u i c k  A n s w e r s  t o  t h e 
Q u e s t i o n s  

Y o u ’ v e  A l w a y s
  
W a n t e d  t o  A s k

If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: men are really simple creatures. And there are some subjects we’re just not going to spend a whole lot of time thinking about—we’re just going to answer your questions, straight, no chaser.

So I asked a bunch of my female co-workers and associates to fire some questions at me—things they’ve always wanted to know that their girlfriends just couldn’t answer for them in a satisfying way. They asked—I answered. Here it goes: Men have different aesthetics, so what might be a turnoff for one man may be a total turn-on for another. Rest assured, though, that no matter the flaws you find when you look at yourself in the mirror, somewhere on God’s earth, you are really “doing it”

for someone—someone out there is attracted to you exactly the way you are. A confident woman is incredibly attractive, no matter what mold she fits in. Men are also very visual people, so there is no question men will check out a woman’s clothes, the way she walks, her makeup, her feet, her hands, her daintiness—little escapes our notice.

For the average man, whatever you’re doing to make yourself look beautiful while you’re hanging on his arm is cool by him. Boob jobs, tummy tucks, breast reductions, nose jobs—if it makes you feel beautiful, we’re good. But if you’re telling your man you want a nose job and he sees nothing wrong with the nose you already have, then maybe you ought to think about leaving your nose alone. Why run the risk of something going wrong when your man is already happy with the way you look? Why lose the extra weight if your man is happy with you the way you are? Sure, it’s fine for you to do it if it’s something you want to do for yourself. But a man isn’t going to care about it one way or the other if he’s already happy with what you have.

A lot of men in their forties and fifties start trying to validate themselves by going out with women who are significantly younger. It’s the equivalent of those same-age men going out and buying itty-bitty sports cars with big engines that make a lot of noise; they do this because their “engine” doesn’t make a lot of noise anymore. This is especially true if that man doesn’t have his life together. This isn’t a reflection on women at all; it’s his problem. But guess what? There’s a younger man looking at you right now, saying to himself, “Wow—I sure wouldn’t mind validating myself with her!” There’s a lot of that going on, too, you know. Like I said before, there’s somebody for everybody.

Men like all kinds of women. There’s a man out there for every body type. There are men who like them big, there are men who like only small, petite women, and there are men who prefer women who fit between those sizes. It runs the gamut. It does not matter what size you are—there is a man somewhere for you.

I wouldn’t, and most nonsmokers wouldn’t, either. The skin of women who smoke ages prema-turely and their lips are stained. It ages them internally, too. And for me, it exhibits a weakness and a lack of understanding about their own health. Once we nonsmoking men see that a woman doesn’t care about her own health, we immediately equate that to her inability to care for her man and her kids. Most nonsmoking men will not tolerate a smoking woman—not on a permanent basis. We’ll sleep with you, but we’re not taking you home.

A man who loves you is going to love you regardless. As we ourselves get bellies and love handles, we certainly understand yours. We get that you’re not going to look exactly like you did when we first met you.

If you can keep it in some kind of parameter, though—gain ten pounds, but avoid gaining a hundred—and be sexy and fix it up and look nice with whatever extra weight you’ve put on or taken off, we’re cool. If your man is shallow, he’ll insist he just can’t see past it. But if a man recognizes that, a few pounds notwithstanding, you’re still making an effort to do what it takes to be visually appealing, he will be fine with it.

Heels, baby. Heels. If we could get athletic shoes with heels for women, we would. It’s just a really sexy thing to us. I don’t know a single man who prefers women in flats; I’ve never run into one. We all think heels make your legs more beautiful, they make your walk more femi-nine—and you, too. And that’s what we're attracted to.

A smart man can’t date a dumb woman. But he can
use
a dumb woman. Most smart men don’t want to date a dumb woman because we need to know that she can handle herself and our affairs, especially if we’re thinking about giving her a ring. She can’t walk into the office party acting like the office dummy. Now, we don’t mind having a woman on the side who is dumb and fine, but we won’t keep her.

It’s a total come-on. In our mind, if you want to buy us a drink, you want us. And if we think you want us, well, then, game on—we’re coming in for the kill.

Some men like it, but a man who doesn’t drink certainly isn’t going to care for a woman who par-takes in the spirits. Know, though, that no man likes a drunk woman, unless you’re in college and we’re heading back to your dorm room. Remember, men want women to act like ladies at all times. If you drink socially, cool. But if your man has to carry you out, because you’ve passed out, you’re hanging on to someone else, or you’re talking loud and telling him you like slamming down shots, it’s going to be a problem.

Only if you’re in a committed relationship.

Other than that, all he’ll think is (a) you’re trying to trap him, and (b) you expect something in return.

Just wait and see what he’s going to bring to your table first—let him be the man and spoil you. Real men like to do this for the women they care about.

Note: Be thankful for the gifts he gives you, but don’t take it as the end all/be all sign that you’re going to get a ring next week. A gift is just that—a gift. Not a sign of things to come. Only his actions—the way he professes, protects, and provides for you—will give you a true sign of how this man feels about you.

Don’t do it in the beginning of the relationship, unless you’re perfectly comfortable with the title gold digger. But if you’re in a relationship—just you and him—and you’re really in a financial pinch, mention it and see how he reacts. Say, “I’m really in a crunch, and I’m embarrassed to ask, but I really need your help. Do you think you could loan me $100 to meet this payment? I’ll pay you back as soon as I can.” Most men who really care about you won’t think anything of it if they have it.

Without a doubt. If you’re dealing with a man whose life isn’t on track, who isn't at peace with who he is, how much he makes, and what he does, you might have a guy who’d be reluctant to help because he’s still struggling to reach his goals and won’t have time to help you with yours. But if he has his act together and he’s really secure in his manhood, he’ll help.

Not at all. These days it’s almost a necessity for both the husband and the wife to work to make ends meet. But if a man is in a position to provide everything his family needs, most men would not have a problem with his woman staying home.

This is the twenty-first century, so most men don’t have a problem with women drivers. But there are still some old-fashioned, chauvinist men who think women should leave the driving to the opposite sex. I don’t know what cave they’re living in. Matter of fact, I haven’t met any of them yet.

No. Some guys like that, but mostly what they like is enjoying the game in peace. If you’re not into it, go find something else to do.

We’ll go if you make us and it’s the only way we can spend time with you. But it’s not what we want to do. Think about it: the Men’s Department is almost always on the first floor, by the door, and always one of the smaller sections in the store. There is no juniors department, no couture department, none of that. It’s so we can get in and get out. You never walk in and see men rummaging through the sales racks and holding shirts up to their chests and openly asking if they’d look better in the blue or the green. We go in knowing exactly what we want, and come out with it. Rarely anything more. In and out: that’s what we like about shopping. Getting in, and getting out.

It depends on the man. But really, who cares these days? It’s not the big stink that it used to be.

Personally I don’t care. Love comes in every color—and if a person finds love and that person is of a different race from him or her, it shouldn’t matter because the two of them found love. And isn’t that what counts the most? Women have to make sure, though, that that’s what they’re doing it for. If she’s doing it for some kind of status, then that’s a horrible reason to get married to someone from a different race. But if she’s doing it for love, more power to her.

Because we’re hot. We’re exhausted. We put in a lot of work, we’re sweaty and burning up and we just need you to hold on a minute before you come climbing over to the side of our bed talking about holding something.

It’s not a good idea to break that news at the kitchen table or on a long car ride. Nothing good can come from that. When you question our sexual abilities, we get really nervous and really self-conscious really quickly. I suggest you break the news while you’re in the act. We’re a little bit more open to it then. Say something like, “Oh, I like it when you do this,” or

“That’s nice, baby, now do it this way,” and watch him go to work. We’ll put our backs into it then, because it makes us feel like we’re pleasing you instead of absorbing complaints. During the act, we’re open to any and all suggestions, as long as we think we’re getting it.

Whatever you do, don’t open this conversation with the dreaded four words: “We need to talk.” Our defenses immediately go up, warning signs start flashing before our eyes, and now we’re pretty confident whatever good time we had planned is about to be ruined. Instead, try telling your man spontaneously something like, “I just can’t get enough of you.” That will make him know that the bar is up there—he’ll be more than willing to jump over it because you’ve made him feel like you want him, instead of like there’s something wrong.

One day is more than enough punishment for us if we’re talking about some kind of argument. You’re mad about something he said about the kids and you don’t want to have sex tonight? Okay. But tomorrow, if you’re still mad about the kids and he’s tapping you on the shoulder and you’re shaking off his hand, that’s a problem. Men are not going to hang in for that too long. But we’ll go without longer if we violated your trust in some kind of way and we need to gain back your respect and trust. We understand that much.

I haven’t a clue—only gay men, or women who’ve dated men on the down low, can answer that question for you. I don’t fall into either of those categories.

If a man goes along with an “open relationship” or he offers it, he’s doing so because you are not in his long-

term plans. He does not see a future with you. Both of you can stop all this “We wanted some spice in the relationship” talk. When a man loves you, he’s not trying to share you with anybody—period. When you find that guy who’s willing, I will show you the guy who’s not in love with you. We’re just not cut out that way.

Yes—it makes us uncomfortable. We think

you’re trying to dig deep into our soul when you start trolling through our past and, possibly, passing judgment on it. Still, you have the right to know about a man’s past. Just don’t ask about it on the first date, because you will not get an honest answer, ever. He hasn’t even decided about how permanent this thing between you is going to be—there’ll be no need to reveal the soul. Don’t even waste your time asking about his previous woman; all he’s going to claim is hurt, not what he may have done to her. Give your relationship time, and he’ll reveal what you need to know.

Most men have a problem with that. Think about the three ways I told you a man shows his love. He protects, provides, and professes. And if we can’t say “This is Mrs. Harvey,” then you’re taking away the very core of how we show our love. We also need to know that we have your loyalty, and you show that by taking our name. We really don’t care how important your dad’s name or your family name is to you; we’re about to start a family. A man needs to know you’re as committed to this family as you are to your old one. You can hyphen-ate it if you want to, but that last name really needs to be the same as your man’s. And if you’re not committed to that, then why don’t you just go marry your daddy?

There’s no need to do that; we’ve got that covered.

We’re pretty clear that our woman can walk out at any time. But if you push it and try to make us jealous, you’re going to be playing a dangerous game. Doing that almost always triggers a reflex in a man; he might be liable to say,

“Oh, okay—two can play at that game!” If you feel like you have to make him jealous because you’re not getting the attention you want, you might want to consult the

“Men Need Standards—Get Some” chapter, and then use some of those tips to get the man you need and deserve.

I strongly suggest that if you’re in a fully committed relationship, all the chitchat you’re having with a male friend gets dialed back. Take down the college pictures of the two of you, don’t let him call the house or send gifts and such; continuing this every day is just asking for trouble. Think about it: I don’t care if you could only see her picture in the dark with an invisible blue light; if your man kept a picture of another woman in his personal belongings, you’d lose your mind. How would you like it if he had a woman calling the house asking to speak to him? Or he accepted flowers from her? Exactly.

What I suggest is that you avoid doing anything that will make your man have uncomfortable thoughts about you and someone else—period. Form a two-handed circle and don’t let anyone else in, especially male “friends.”