Act like a lady, think like a man (11 page)

Translation:
You’ve just told him that you require the man in your life to show up when he says he’s going to show up, and have enough manners and class to call if he’s going to be late.

Now he knows to leave a few minutes earlier so he gets to you on time, and to make sure his cell is charged in case he needs to give you a head’s-up.

Instead of saying,
“If you’re dating and sleeping with other
women, I am not the one!”
say something like, “I’m always honest with the man I’m dating; if I feel like I want to see other people besides him, I let him know up front so that he can decide if he wants to continue the relationship as is, or ask me to date him exclusively.”

Translation:
You’ve just told him that you require the man in your life to be honest and up front about the parameters of the relationship—if he’s going to play, he’s going to have to let you know so that you can make intelligent, rational decisions about how to deal with that. You’ve told him, too, that this is up for discussion—that the two of you can decide together what it is you want out of the relationship, instead of having it dictated to him.

Instead of saying,
“If my man doesn’t have God in his life
and doesn’t know how to jog for Jesus, there’s no need in
him even opening his mouth to me,
perhaps you can say something like, “Sunday is my favorite day of the week, because I get to go to church and fellowship with like-minded people and exercise my faith. By the time ser vice is over, I feel so uplifted, I know the rest of my week is going to go great.”

Translation:
You’ve made clear that you’re a God-fearing, churchgoing woman who knows the Lord and takes her faith seriously, and you’ve opened up the conversation for him to give his take on how he feels about religion and spirituality.

Instead of saying,
“I got three kids and two jobs because
these children’s daddy ain’t worth a damn, so any man
stepping to me better have bank and be ready to raise some
kids the right way or hit the highway,
you might want to say something like, “Being a good mom is really important to me, and a part of being a good mom is making sure that my kids have a good father. I’m independent, but I realize how much better it would be for me and my family if a good man was in the picture.

Translation:
You will have made clear that while you’re quite capable of taking care of your own children, you recognize the importance of having a good man in the mix—something that will make a man who’s willing to put in the work understand that he will be appreciated for being a good husband and father.

And that’s really all a man wants—a little appreciation every now and again.

Get the picture? Now, you’ve given us what we think is valuable information about the woman we’re interested in. But more important, you’ve told us what your standards are, though you’ve done so by disguising them in a whole lot of pretty talk.

It’s like grape-flavored cough syrup; it’s still medicine, but it’s just going to taste better going down.

Now, I should add that while men appreciate it when women let them know up front what they require in a relationship, I firmly believe women need to step back every once in a while and let the man show you what he’s made of—you know, prove that he’s worthy of your time. I really do believe one of the biggest mistakes women make early on in the relationship is laying out in full detail all the things you love a man to do for you, without giving him a chance to show you what he’s
willing
to do for you. I mean, it’s nice and all that you like long walks by the beach, and chocolate on Valentine’s Day, and you favor lilies in the summertime. But how, exactly, do you find out how creative, exciting, or giving a man is if you give him the blueprint for how to coax a smile on to your face, without requiring him to figure some of this out on his own? Be sure of this: if you tell a man you like red roses at work, dinner at that special restaurant across town, and Chanel bags for your birthday, that is exactly what he will give you—nothing less, but certainly nothing more.

And you’ll be happy about it—at first. But then give it about forty-five days or so, and he’s going to stop doing what you told him you like because he’ll have figured he did what he needed to do to get what he wanted. And you will think that because he stopped, he changed. And you’ll go tell your girlfriends, “I don’t know what happened—he used to do everything I like.”

He did everything you like because you told him what you like.

My philosophy? Instead of telling him what you like, tell him what you
don’t
like, and then see how he responds; let him research and dig and figure out how to get to your sweet spot.

Just go right ahead and put it out there: “I’m not a fan of just sitting around in the house on the weekends,” or “I don’t like it when a man doesn’t treat me like a lady,” or “I don’t like going to the same restaurants over and over again.” Then, as your relationship progresses, watch his actions. For sure, you’ll get his blueprint for how he conducts himself—you’ll see what he’s willing to give freely of his own accord. You don’t like going to the same restaurants? He’ll know to find new, interesting places to take you. You don’t like sitting in the house on Saturdays? He’ll be sure to take you out to a concert or a new museum exhibit, or he’ll at least look through the newspaper and see what’s going on around town so he has some suggestions for what you all can do together. He knows you don’t like people who aren’t family oriented? He’s going to bring treats for the kids when he meets them, or even offer to take you and them to the park for a quick game of catch or a push on the swings, and no matter how uncomfortable he may think he might feel, he’s going to go to the barbecue at your mom’s house because he knows you require a man who likes and gets along with family. Sit back and watch him: see if he opens the car door for you, or pulls out your chair when you sit at the table, or turns off his phone when he’s with you, so that he can dedicate all of his attention to your time together. And then if he doesn’t step up to the plate—if he doesn’t show you that he’s willing to figure out how to put a smile on your face—then
you’ll
be in the position to decide if he’s capable of giving you what you need and at least some of what you want.

Of course, to lay out your requirements for a man, and convey the importance of following those requirements, you must first figure out what, exactly, your requirements are. I’ve listed questions here that you should consider as you formulate your top ten requirements, and I’ve left space for you to document your list:

What specific kind of man are you looking for?

(For example, funny? Hardworking? Generous?) How do you expect to be pursued? (Do you want regular phone calls? Text messages? Dates at least three times a week? Do you want him to always pick up the tab?)

What level of commitment do you expect? (Do you want an open relationship? Or to date exclusively?

Should it be up for discussion?)

What kind of financial security do you expect this man to have? (Do you want him to be rich? Do you want him to make more money than you? Are you okay with a blue-collar worker?)

Do you want a man who wants kids and is family oriented?

Does he have to be religious/spiritual?

Do you mind if he’s a divorcé or has kids?

Can you help a man build his dream? Can you adapt to his plan?

What do you expect of his family? (Should you get along with his mother? Do you care if he doesn’t get along with her? Or if his father was never around?) What should he be willing to do to woo you? (Should he pursue you? Give you expensive gifts?)

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T h e  F i v e  Q u e s t i o n s  E v e r y
  
W o m a n  S h o u l d  A s k  

B e f o r e
  
S h e  G e t s  i n  T o o  D e e p
 

I had just gotten to Hollywood and I was seeing a lot of things my then thirty-eight-year-old eyes had never seen before. One of those that stood out most was the lifestyle of a famous and well-regarded celebrity, whose name I’m just going to go ahead and keep to myself. But this much I will tell you: this man had it all—money, fame, and a bevy of super-beauties so bad he could have easily made Hugh Hefner scratch his head and wonder how he could get in on
that
action. I mean this man was surrounded by gorgeous women. A lot. All. The.

Time. And I was amazed at this because I couldn’t understand how one person could get all of these fine women like this. I mean, he wasn’t the best-looking dude in the business—there were others with more money, more prestige, and certainly better looks than him. Still, he was a master at keeping a stack of solid tens at all times, with commitments to none of them.

I’d heard about these superplayers with supermodels on their arms and everything, but when I saw it up close, I was amazed at how the actual connections could happen, and especially why these women stayed with this guy, knowing that they were one of many hanging on his arm.

And I needed to know how this was done (um, not necessarily so that I, too, could have supermodels hanging on my every word, but because I was genuinely blown away by the phenomenon). So I sat down and talked to this guy and a bunch of other men who were in similar “relationships” and asked them point-blank: How do you keep these women coming back for more? And each one, including the most notorious of the bunch, laughed, shook his head, and said pretty much the same thing: those women want the money, the fame, and the lifestyle, and they’re willing to put up with a lot of things—not many of them good—to get it. “But do they realize,” I asked in all earnestness, “that this is going nowhere?” The one guy shook his head some more and said, simply, “They don’t know where it’s going because they never ask.” He added: “What am I supposed to do—tell them I’m just using them for sex and arm candy? It just is what it is.”

Blew me away.

And the more I asked the same questions of guys in similar situations, I heard the same answer, again and again. And each time I asked them what could have made it different for the women they were with, almost down to the letter, each one of those men said the same thing: if a woman came to me and quizzed me up front about my intentions, they would have known from the beginning that I’m not looking for anything serious. They don’t ask, each one said, because they think they’re going to run me off, so I get to just string them along. And the one celebrity who seemed to be the master of all of this said, quite simply, “I have enough of them so that when I get the questions, I don’t have to answer because for every one woman who asks, I have two more who won’t.”

Call this what you want: foul; wrong; inexcusable—what-ever. But that’s how it is. And this kind of thinking from guys isn’t just happening in celebrity circles, trust me. It happens with everyday guys—doctors and lawyers, truckers and deliv-erymen, too. Some of them have as many women as some of my celebrity friends, and the women they run game on are just as fine as some of the supermodels clinging to the arms of stars.

But if you’re a woman on a string of three or thirty-three, you’re still on a string. And both you and I know that’s not a good place to be.

Your objective is to avoid being on the string.

The first step, I think, is to get over the fear of losing a man by confronting him. Just stop being afraid, already. The most successful people in this world recognize that taking chances to get what they want is much more productive than sitting around being too scared to take a shot. The same philosophy can easily be applied to dating: if putting your requirements on the table means you risk him walking away, it’s a risk you have to take.

Because that fear can trip you up every time; all too many of you let the guy get away with disrespecting you, putting in minimal effort and holding out on the commitment to you because you’re afraid he’s going to walk away and you’ll be alone again. And we men? We recognize this and play on it, big time. Know this: the game is old, and it’s not ever going to change. My sons will do it the same way because they can and there will be women who allow it to happen. But you can certainly know the rules up front, and change up your strategy, so
you
don’t get played.

How do you do this? Start by making the man be really clear
up
front
about what he wants out of his life and his relationship with you. You do this by asking him these key five questions—questions that will help you determine right away what values this guy has and how you fit into his plans. I devised these questions after years of watching men play women, and women falling for it, and constantly asking myself and even some of my friends who are masters at the game, “If I were a woman, how could I avoid all of this?” They’re great questions, too—the answers will tell you everything you need to know about this guy in your life or the guy you hope to have in your life. Asking these questions will help you determine whether you should stick around to see where your relationship goes, or if you should run really fast in the opposite direction. Note: There’s no need to delay asking these questions—ask them right away, as soon as you think you might be remotely attracted to a man you’ve met. If he’s turned off by the questions, so what: you have the right to the information. And if he isn’t willing to answer them, well you know from the gate he’s not the one for you.

So let’s just get started with the questions. Remember: No.

Fear.

If you’re going to get into a relationship with a man, you should know what his plans are and how they fit into the key elements that make a man—who he is, what he does, and how much he makes. These three things, as I’ve already told you, are extremely important to any mature, grown man, and you have every right to know what he’s doing right now, and what he’s planning over the next three to five years, to be the real, grown man he wants to be. His answer also will help you determine whether you want to be a part of that plan or not. You’ll know to throw up your much-needed red flag if he doesn’t have a plan at all.