Act like a lady, think like a man (15 page)

Sure, how your kids feel about this guy should count for something, too. Children have an uncanny ability to pick up on when human beings mean them well or harm; if they’re younger, they have no ulterior motives about not liking someone, especially if you introduce him as “my friend Mr. So-and-So,” just like you would any female friend of yours. But know, too, that if your child’s father is in your kid’s life, your child may not necessarily have the most warm and fuzzy feelings about the new guy—and that’s natural. In these cases, your child isn’t exactly going to make it easy for the new man to get close quickly. But this isn’t necessarily going to scare a man off.

(First off, how would a grown man look being scared off by a child? If he runs, let him.) Oh, the new guy might raise an eyebrow or two if he keeps running into problems with Little Chucky—if on the first date, Chucky forgoes a handshake for a swift kick to the shin, and on the second date, the little monster purposely rides his bicycle up the side of the new man’s ride, and on the third date, he “accidentally” spills his fruit punch all over your man’s nice white linen suit. But if you’re worth it, he’s going to stick it out and see if Chucky is truly insane, or if he simply keeps catching him on his bad days. He’ll try harder to win Chucky over, and give the relationship more time to assess whether Chucky is bearable.

And teenagers? Oh, men don’t even see them as a problem; no man walks into a situation thinking they’re going to be best friends with the teenager in the house. Even their biological parents can’t stand teenagers, and vice versa, sometimes, so the odds are low that the new man is going to have a kumbaya moment with a sulking, hulking, attitudinal older child. The beauty of teenagers, though, is that they tend to make themselves invisible. As a result, your new man might actually be able to focus on your relationship without the distraction of a misbehaving kid. But a man who genuinely wants to be in your life will try to be a part of your teenager’s life—he won’t be deterred. He’s expecting that a teenager will be a jerk to him.

What he’ll try to determine is whether the jerkiness is an act to be mean, or if that’s truly who this kid is.

Now, we all understand your need as a mother to protect the emotions of your children and your reluctance to let them get attached to someone you can’t guarantee won’t disappear and take your kids’ hearts with him. Likewise, we understand how important it is for you to not look like you’re fast and loose, running men all through the house like your living room is a bus stop. We also know this violates every single rule you’ve had hammered into your head about such introductions. But my goodness, I’m not talking about bringing everybody to the house. I’m talking about the guy that you think might be serious about you. And don’t worry about whether he’s going to think you’re trying to trap him or you’re just looking for some sucker to take up where your kids’ daddy failed. Single moms all over the planet have convinced themselves, with their natural instincts as nurturers and protectors in full gear, that bringing men they’ve just met around the kids is unsafe. But, ladies, here’s a secret: that’s exactly what the players who wrote the rule book you’ve been following want you to believe. Women live under that fear because the men intent on playing the game tricked you into thinking this way; as long as you believe it, we get to keep the game alive until we get what we want, without any obligations.

If you really want a good man in your life, if you’ve asked God to give you a family, you’ve got to stop all this foolishness and introduce this man to your kids so you can figure him out. The sincere men among us know that women with kids are a package deal, and we’ll understand that you are a mother with obligations to your kids first, especially if you lay that out up front.

Tell us straight up: “I’m not just looking for a mate for myself; I’m trying to form a union with a man who will be willing to be the head of this family.” You know what a declaration such as that is? That, sweetheart, is a requirement. You’ve told him in a nice, not-so-subtle-but-sweet way that the only way a man is going to be a part of your life is if he agrees to be a part of your children’s lives, too. A real man is going to be okay with that because you’ve told him that if he’s going to be a part of your life, you and the kids are a package deal, and that he will get dismissed quickly if you feel like he’s not right for or good to the kids. With that information, with your requirements so clearly laid out, he’s going to either run for the hills, or try to figure out how to make this thing work. Go ahead, invite him to come with you and the kids to the zoo, or invite him over to your mom’s house for a family barbecue. See what he says—what he does. If he says, “Nah, I ain’t going over there, I got to watch
Monday Night Football,
” and it’s Saturday, then guess what? He’s probably not the one for you. Usually, how a relationship starts is a good sign of how it’s going to end up, and if a man starts out not interested in your family, what makes you think that after you sleep with him, he’s going to suddenly develop an affection for your family? But if he brings a game of Scrabble or Monopoly over to the house and sits down on the floor and plays for an hour or he invites you and your family to join him on an outing, then he just might be a keeper.

For those of you who are thinking strictly from a safety standpoint, please know that I’m not telling you to bring a man you hardly know into your house and leave him sitting there with your kids, unsupervised. Of course, when someone you’re just getting to know is in your home near your kids, you’re going to sit there the whole time, watching. What’s he going to do—touch your daughter on the thigh while you’re sitting on the couch right next to her? Or put your son in a choke hold at the dinner table? Be realistic: no man is going to walk in your house and abuse anyone with you sitting nearby. And if you’re
that
concerned about bringing a man into your house, you can always go to a public place—somewhere where plenty of people will be able to eyeball what’s going on and give a detailed accounting to the authorities if he steps out of line and you have to chop him in the neck.

For those of you who are dating men with children, don’t expect him to introduce the kids early, necessarily, because wherever his child is, most likely his child’s mother isn’t too far away. And the last thing he needs or wants is for his kid to run back to his ex talking about the “nice lady” Daddy had over to the house; next thing you know, his ex is laying down the new custody terms, which do not include having her baby around any strange woman she hasn’t previously ran a background check on and authorized, especially if that woman is trying to lay up in her ex’s house. So a man with children from a previous relationship recognizes he needs to ration out the female encounters with his kids if he wants to try to keep a modicum of peace with his ex and actually see his kids again. If you’re not somebody he’s trying to have around for any amount of time, he’s not going to waste his “girl-encounter ration” on you, knowing that you’re not worth the grief he’s going to suffer when his children go back and tell their mommy he had a woman in the house. He’s decided in his mind you’re not worth it.

If he asks you to meet the kids, thereby using one of his girl-encounter rations, be sure of this: he’s decided you’re worth the pain he’ll have to suffer when the ex hears about it.

How will he let you know which category you fit in? If after, say, your fifth date he’s still telling you, “By the way, we have to go out on Sunday because this Saturday is my time with the kids and it’s the only time I have with them, so . . .” then he doesn’t want you around them—he’s telling you you’re not worth the potential headache. But if he says something like “I got the kids this Saturday, how about we go to the beach or the park?” then he’s thinking he can figure out how to deal with the ex later—right now, he wants nothing more than to be with you and the kids.

Want to smoke out whether he’s got “good father” potential or not? The following list isn’t foolproof, but it will certainly give you some food for thought about the things you should be taking into account as you consider whether this man is right for your kids—or if you should take the kids and run in the other direction.

He tells you he likes kids, and actually would like to have one someday.

He expresses interest in meeting your children.

He shows up to the house with gifts—for the kids.

(Of course, if he brings an Xbox for Mikey and disappears for a few hours, then that might be a problem.)

He lets the children see that he sincerely respects and likes (and even loves) their mother.

He makes a kid-friendly date with you and invites your children along.

He takes you and the kids to church.

He has a good job and a solid work history.

He’s kind to his mother and checks in with her often (but mama’s boys need not apply).

His nieces and nephews spend considerable time with him.

He has younger siblings he helped care for when he was younger—and they made it through, unscathed.

He has a pet, and it actually gets fed and taken care of.

He keeps his house clean and knows how to cook a few decent meals.

He’s financially prepared to care for you and your children, or he has the desire to.

He can and is willing to comfort your child when she hurts herself. (If he starts hyperventilating at the sight of blood, this might be a situation—especially if he’s already told you he’s a doctor.)

He doesn’t faint at the sight of diapers.

He can get down and dirty with your children—squirting them with a water hose, shooting hoops at the park, getting buried in the sand at the beach—and like it. (Though you don’t want him to get
too
excited about playing “Tea Party” with the dolls.) He doesn’t lose his mind when someone spills food and drinks in his car, or puts a muddy footprint on the back of his seat—it shows he’s not so fussy about messy kids (because nothing wrecks your car quicker than having kids; his seats
will
see the inside of a Happy Meal).

He can make it through a one-on-one game with your child and maybe even let him win once (Note: dunking on an eight-year-old and yelling, “In your face!” is not something a good potential father would do).

He’s willing and able to teach you how to play a sport—which shows he has the patience of Job.

He’s willing to go to family functions with you and the kids—even after hearing the stories about your crazy aunt Thelma and how she likes to get a little tipsy and call out your new boyfriends in front of company.

He’s actually interested in how your child is doing in school, and not only encourages him to do well, but gives suggestions on how he can excel.

He can be gentle with your kids, but he’s capable of being firm with them, too (though you don’t want to see him start taking off his belt within the first half hour of meeting the children; I know kids can be bad, but that’s a little much).

He’s capable of forgiveness, and shows that, even when your kid does the seemingly unforgivable—or at least the highly questionable.

13  S t r o n g , I n d e p e n d e n t — a n d  L o n e l y — W o m e n

A world without women would go a little something like this:

Men wouldn’t wash or shave.

We wouldn’t work.

Our wardrobe would be pretty simple: sweats, T-shirts, and socks—maybe some sneakers if we absolutely had to go outside.

There’d definitely be no need for dishes or vegetables or much food for that matter—a paper plate or two, some cold cuts, pizza, and beer would do just fine.

Furniture in the house would be kept to a minimum: we’d have a recliner, a refrigerator, a really big television, and, of course, a remote.

We’d need only two television channels: ESPN and ESPN2.

And we wouldn’t need to go on vacation—we’d just go to Vegas. They’ve got everything we need in Vegas—you can gamble there, smoke cigars, eat steak, play golf, and go to the strip club, and really, you wouldn’t need that “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” slogan because men wouldn’t go blabbing about what they did, anyway.

This is all to say that men are very simple creatures who would be prone to doing some very simple things if not for the women in our lives. After all, you all are the masters of “handling it”: you work full-time, then come home to the full-time job of being wives and mothers and everything to everybody; you’re raising kids (all too many of you without any help from the men who helped create them); you’re making most of the major purchasing decisions in our households; you’re taking over key positions in the corporate world and bringing home the bacon (some of you more than the men in your lives); you’re excelling in college, where you outnumber young men at a ridiculous rate; and you’re holding up our churches and educating our children in the school system, in effect, nurturing and protecting our minds and spirits. We men welcome and appreciate this more than you ever will know (mainly because we’re a little too proud sometimes to ’fess up to it).

Still, the strength it takes to “handle it” is not, in a man’s mind, where a woman’s power lies. To us, your power comes from one simple thing: you’re a woman, and we men will do anything humanly possible to impress you so that, ultimately, we can be with you. You’re the driving force behind why we wake up every day. Men go out and get jobs and hustle to make money because of women. We drive fancy cars because of women. We dress nice, put on cologne, get haircuts and try to look all shiny and new for you. We do all of this because the more our game is stepped up, the more of you we get.

You’re the ultimate prize to us.

This may be a hard pill for you to swallow and some of you may be offended by what I’m about to say, but I say this in truth and an abiding love for the opposite sex: somewhere along the way, women lost sight of this. Maybe in part because we men have played so many games, pulled so many tricks out of our hats—just plain done so much wrong in our quest to get women—that we’ve convinced you all that you are not important to us. Perhaps it has to do with how women are raised these days—there’s been the constant encouragement from your mothers and aunties and grandmas and female mentors to edu-cate yourselves and get great jobs and to be independent women, no matter the cost, even if it means putting off having serious relationships. Or maybe you all have just been worn down by the constant media obsession with perfection, with everything from magazine covers to television shows, to commercials, and blogs, and everything else telling you to nip it and tuck it and suck it in and dress it up and look like Halle Berry and Beyoncé if you want to attract a good man, knowing full well that all of you possess a great beauty all your own, and only Halle can look like Halle, and only Beyoncé can look like Beyoncé.