Absolution (18 page)

“Yes.”

The haughty eyebrow she raised set his blood boiling. “I regret what I did every single day of my life,” he said through clenched teeth, “but I knew leaving was best for you and Rayne.”

Her shrill laugh was full of disbelief. “You did
not
just say that to me.”

Luke folded his arms and glared right back. “I didn’t want to hurt you anymore, can’t you see that?

It hurt you every time I went on a mission or a training exercise, let alone having to be afraid your husband might come after you with a knife. I didn’t want you to have that kind of life. Rayne, either.”

“It wasn’t your place to make that choice for us.”

Her voice shook. “I was prepared to deal with long absences and watch CNN every day in case it might tell me where you were. I was prepared to deal with all the baggage that came along with being married to a SEAL officer. I was even prepared for the fact I might lose you to combat or training, but I was
not
prepared for you walk away because you didn’t want 141

Kaylea Cross

me anymore.”

“Not want you?” The tenuous hold he had over his temper snapped. He stalked over and grabbed her hand, ignoring her gasp as he brought it to cover the aching length of the growing erection straining against the fly of his jeans. “
Wanting
you was never the problem.”

They were both breathing hard, bodies caught up in the maelstrom of sexual hunger and the pain they’d suffered for too long. But Emily wrapped her fingers around the length of him and squeezed. “
This
isn’t what I’m talking about. I meant
this
,” she cried, laying her palm over his heart.

“So did I,” he fired back, wanting to back her up against the sink and kiss her until she couldn’t breathe, then bury his throbbing cock inside her.

“Because with you, they’re connected.” There, he’d finally said it. “I’m
not
over you, and I never will be.

Got that?”

Em sucked in a breath, shock igniting the depths of her eyes. “Then why won’t you—”

“Because I can’t! I want it more than anything, but I
can’t
.” His heart tried to pound its way out of his chest as he tore away from her. “I have to finish this mission, and until I do I can’t give you what you deserve.”

“Yes, you can.”

The aching whisper undid him, had him wrapping his arms around her back, bringing their bodies flush against each other as he stared into her eyes. “I don’t want to hurt you again, Em.” But he was so scared of losing her if he didn’t act.

“Then don’t.”

He closed his eyes, praying for strength.

Opening his mouth to tell her he still loved her, voices from the hall stopped him. He turned his head and when Rhys saw him holding Emily he stopped so fast Neveah smacked into him.

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“What the hell, Rhys,” Nev grumbled. Rhys stopped her by throwing an arm out and corralling her into his side. Her eyes went wide. “Oh. Sorry.”

“You looking for me?” Luke asked as he released Emily.

Rhys nodded. “Sam needs you. Something new just came in.”

“I’ll be there in a minute.”

An awkward few seconds passed while Nev and Rhys did an about face and headed back the way they’d come. With the moment gone, Luke stepped back and thanked God he hadn’t completely laid his heart on the line.

When he didn’t make a move to touch her again, Emily turned away and put her arms around her waist. “You should lie down for a bit,” he told her. “I have to take care of this.”

She nodded, every line of her body radiating defeat. “Sure.”

Feeling like he was ripping off his own skin, Luke walked away for what seemed like the thousandth time.

143

Kaylea Cross

That night after dinner, Emily was too tired to visit with the girls, so she headed upstairs.

“Hey, wait up,” Nev called, jogging after her.

She waited at the top of the stairs, and when Nev grabbed her hand, followed her into one of the guest baths. The elegant chandelier threw off a warm light that made the white marble floors and vanity glow.

“Got something for you,” Nev said. She pulled a drawer on the vanity open and withdrew a small paper bag, and when Emily opened it her eyes popped wide.

Oh my God
. “Lube?”

Nev gave an amused laugh. “Just in case.”

Emily stared at her, her face flaming. She didn’t have any idea how to respond.

“After I saw you two in the kitchen, I thought it might be a good idea because of the side effects of the chemo.” Nev shrugged in her matter-of-fact way.

“You’re already blushing, so do you want me to go into this more?”

“
No
.”

“Well, like I said, just in case. Have a good night.”

Standing alone in the bathroom afterward, Emily closed her eyes on a hard sigh. So everyone else could see the sparks between her and Luke too.

She hadn’t seen him since that confrontation in the kitchen because he’d been holed up in Jamul’s study and hadn’t even come out to eat.

Her body still tingled all over when she 144

Absolution

remembered the heat in his eyes as he’d stalked toward her. And when he’d grabbed her hand and pressed it against—

Nope. Not going there
.

Crushing the paper bag in her hand, she turned off the light and went to her bedroom, passing Luke’s along the way. She had the fleeting thought she should climb into his bed and wait for him, and see what he’d do about it. But she quickly came to her senses. He’d probably stay downstairs all night working, so that would be a waste of time. And why should she be the one to make that move? If he wanted her just as badly, this time it should be up to him. Closing her bedroom door behind her, she turned on the bedside lamp and went into the bathroom to undress, keeping that light off. She didn’t want to see the disfiguring scars where her right breast had been as she removed the prosthetic bra, or the IV port plugged into her subclavian vein beneath her right collarbone. She hated looking at all of it, and her background as a nurse didn’t make it any easier to bear. Sometimes she regretted her decision not to have a reconstruction done, but at the time she’d been thoroughly sick of hospitals and uninterested in undergoing another surgery. She’d been more worried about getting rid of the cancer than she had about her appearance. Besides, she could do it at some point in the future if she wanted.

If you survive.

Blocking the oily whisper in her head, she pulled on her favorite pale pink nightie and padded across the cream, silk carpet to the bed. Pulling back the thick, down duvet and sliding in, she eyed the paper bag she’d left on the nightstand.

You don’t have the guts
.

No, she didn’t. She couldn’t stand to make herself that vulnerable to Luke again, and cringed at 145

Kaylea Cross

the thought of him seeing her naked. How sexy was she right now? One breast carved away, wearing a wig, brows penciled on with cosmetics so she had any, and having to use lube because the chemo dried her out even more than the total hysterectomy had.

Yum, what a prize.

Rolling onto her side she flipped the lamp off and shut her eyes, going over the fight she’d had with Luke earlier, analyzing his words.
I’m
not
over
you, and I never will be
. He’d seemed so sincere when he’d said it. Was he really staying away because of his job, or was he using that as an excuse? Not that it mattered. Point was, he intended to keep his distance, regardless of his feelings for her. Yet the more she thought about it, the more pissed off she got. Her time was running out, and he was going on a mission into hostile territory tomorrow. Just how many chances did he think they were going to get to be together in this lifetime? She lay there stewing about it until someone came up the stairs. Her heart tripped, but they passed by her room and the door to Rhys and Neveah’s room closed. Soon after, heavier treads followed, but they too passed by and carried on to next door. Rhys, joining Neveah. His deep voice seeped through the wall between their rooms, and a husky feminine laugh followed. Then everything got quiet and there was no doubt as to the reason why.

She was about to get up and go back down to watch a movie with Bryn when she heard someone else coming up the stairs. The treads came down the hallway, slowing as they approached her room, then stopped in front of it. All her muscles tensed and she held her breath. Seconds ticked past while her gaze stayed locked on the doorknob, waiting for it to turn.

Willing it to. But the steps went in the other direction, and a few moments later a door shut down 146

Absolution

the hall. Luke. Had to be, since Bryn was staying in her father’s old room at the opposite end of the hall.

Sighing, Emily flopped onto her back. He’d walked away yet again.

Disappointment gave way to hurt, and transformed into resentment. She lay in the darkness, alone, while Nev and Rhys made love in the next room and Luke remained alone in his on the other side. He’d be in the shower, because he never went to bed without showering first, and though things might have changed over the years, she was sure they hadn’t changed
that
much. Images of his naked, muscular body beneath the spray of water had her squirming around an ache of arousal until she wanted to snarl. This was exactly why she hadn’t wanted to come here. She was going to go insane before this was over.

When the blue digital display of the clock on her nightstand flipped to two in the morning, Emily gave up any hope of sleeping and turned on the bedside lamp. To hell with this, she thought, riding a wave of anger as she ripped open the bag and grabbed the bottle of lube. She might feel less than sexy, but she was still a woman and still had needs of her own.

Life was too damn short to waste an opportunity to be with Luke because of insecurity and hurt feelings.

Once again, it was up to her to reach out.

Fine. She couldn’t stand leaving things this way between them for another minute anyway.

Something had to give. Maybe once this happened she’d be at peace, or be able to get him out of her system.
Something
.

Pausing at her door, she smoothed the wig into place and quietly turned the handle, careful not to make any noise as she stepped into the hall and tiptoed to Luke’s room. She felt ridiculous for having to sneak around like she was doing something illegal, but she didn’t want an audience for this.

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Kaylea Cross

Facing him was hard enough without drawing anyone else’s attention. Especially if he turned her down and she had to slink back to her room with her tail between her legs.

A moment’s indecision hit her when she stood in front of his door, and she lowered the hand she’d raised to knock. She wasn’t going to knock, for God’s sake. She was going to march in there and take what she wanted. Tossing her hair back, body humming with anticipation and desire, she turned the knob and pushed the door open, striding into the room as if she rightfully belonged there. Which she did. Her place was with Luke, even if he was determined to fight the idea of them being together.

“Em?” Luke sat up in bed, the covers falling to his waist and revealing the mouth-watering contours of his muscled chest and arms. She stalled out halfway to him, growing unsure of herself under the intensity of his gaze. “You okay?”

“Yes.” Her voice was hoarse and tentative instead of full of authority like she wanted it to be.

In the soft light coming through the filmy drapes, his eyes glowed like agates.

Breaking free of the paralysis holding her, Emily prowled toward him. She might not have control over her life or what was happening to her body, but she damn well was going to have control over
this
, even if for only one night. Right now she was going to take care of business on her own terms.

He must have sensed the predatory vibe coming from her because his eyes flared and a muscle jumped in his lean, bearded jaw. “What’s on your mind?”

“I don’t want to talk,” she informed him, taking extreme pleasure in the fact that his brows rose in surprise.
That’s right. I’m not here to answer any of
your questions
. He sat up even further as she reached the bed, the muscles in his arms and 148

Absolution

shoulders cording up. Good. She wanted him on edge, wondering what she would do.

Before she could over think the situation, Emily leaned against the edge of the mattress, took his gorgeous face between her hands and kissed him.

Luke sucked in a sharp breath and pulled back, but she held on and kissed him harder, deeper, sliding her tongue into his mouth. He broke away.

“Em—”

“Shut up,” she muttered and sealed their lips together once more. This time he responded, his hands sliding up over her back into her wig. Though she couldn’t feel his fingers in the strands, she felt the pressure of his hands against her scalp and that was all she needed because it told her how much he wanted her. The pressure increased as he leaned up and brought her closer, trying to take over, but she wouldn’t allow it. Not this time. Tonight, she ran the show. And she proved it by pulling out of his hold and nipping at his full lower lip.

Luke jerked back and stared at her, chest rising and falling with rapid breaths. Emily ran her hands through his thick hair and buried her face in his throat, relishing his clean masculine scent and the frantic beat of his pulse. Soap, dark spices and aroused male. The smells that haunted her dreams.

Broad hands traveled up her back, his arms holding her gently. So strong and warm. He nuzzled her temple. “Tell me what do you want, sugar.”

She drew in another deep lungful of him and released it slowly. “You.” That’s all she’d ever wanted.

Before he could answer Emily kissed him again, slower this time. Slow enough to savor the exquisite softness of his lips and the brush of his beard against her skin. The silky softness of the inside of his mouth and the velvet nap of his caressing tongue. To taste the lingering hint of spearmint from 149