Absolute Beginners (Absolute #1) (24 page)

“Well, you can’t really control who you fall in love with,” he said, sounding wise all of a sudden. “But I actually meant how did you blow it?”

“I, um, I failed her final paper,” I admitted, feeling like the lowest of the low. “Even though it was great.”

“You’re kidding me. Why’d you do that?”

“I don’t know. I was upset. I can’t think anymore, Matt. It’s like I’ve lost my mind!”

“It could just be sex haze,” he said matter-of-factly.

“Sex haze?”

“Stephen, are you sure that you’re in love with her? Maybe it’s just because you’re finally getting some p—”

“No!” I interrupted, not wanting to hear his crude assessment of my feelings for Julia. “It’s more than that,” I insisted. “I like being with her and not just when we’re, um, you know.”

“Getting your fuck on,” he supplied.

I made a face but nodded just the same.

“So this is the real deal, huh?”

“I think so. I mean, I’ve never felt like this before, and I…I miss her,” I said miserably.

“Does she feel the same way about you?”

“No. That is…I’m not exactly sure. She seemed to like the fact that we were ‘sex buddies,’ ” I told him, making air quotes.

“Wow,” he said, completely awestruck. “She’s like the perfect woman. Young, pretty, and into casual sex.”

I scoffed. “Maybe that’s perfect for you, but I want more than that. I think there might have been more for her as well.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes. Um, let me ask you this. Say you’ve spent the night with a girl who was drunk, right?”

“I’ll try my best to imagine that,” he said, laughing.

“So I take it that you’ve done that?” I asked, already knowing the answer.

Matt nodded and grinned. “Drunken sex is insane! All inhibitions are gone.”

They certainly are. I trashed my living room
. Me
, for God’s sake
.

“Would you go over to her place the next day with hangover food and watch movies, give her a massage, and take a nap together?”

“No,” he answered immediately. He raised his eyebrows. “Oh, did she do that for you? Wait, dude—
you
were drunk?”

“Yeah, she brought over smoothies and sandwiches and we spent the day together. It was really nice,” I said with a sigh.

No, not just
nice
. The most wonderful day I can remember. I am in completely over my head
.

“Um, but then she saw her paper on my desk and she got really angry with me.”

“You really gave her an F?”

“Yes.”

“Ouch!”

“I was drunk. And angry with her.”

“But if you just change the grade and explain yourself to her, everything will be all right, won’t it?”

“I don’t think so. She won’t speak to me. She was so angry with me, Matt. You didn’t see her face. She even…she even called me an asshole and did some self-defense move when I tried to stop her from leaving.”

“Ah, that’s nothing. Don’t worry, I’ve been called an asshole by lots of women, and then later they came back to bed and showed me some self-defense moves there, if you know what I mean!”

“Yeah, I know what you mean,” I said dryly. “But I don’t think Julia will just come back on her own after what I did.”

“So, what are you gonna do?”

“That’s the thing. Her friend Sophia said that the three of them are going to a club on Friday and I should sort of…show up, I guess. That way we’ll be in the same room at least and she might hear me out.”

“That’s seems like a good plan,” he said, nodding.

“Yeah, only…Julia knows that I don’t go out. Would you come with me? She knows that you go out to clubs all the time and it would seem less conspicuous that way.”

“Are you kidding me?” he said excitedly. “A night out with my bro
and
another chance to see Megan? Count me in!”

“Thank you,” I said with a sigh of relief. “The club is called Booty, do you know it?”

Matt’s mouth popped open.

“Booty?” he asked slowly. “Are you sure that’s the one they’re going to?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Um, that’s a gay club, dude.”

What?

“A gay club? Really?”

Matt nodded and grinned a little.

“But…that doesn’t make any sense. Why would they go there? Unless, maybe one of her friends is gay?” I asked.

“Oh my God!” Matt exclaimed. “I bet it’s Megan. That’s why she hasn’t returned any of my emails.”

I rolled my eyes at him. Only Matt could be delusional enough to believe that sexual preference was the only reason why a woman wouldn’t be interested in him.

“She doesn’t really seem gay,” I said. “I mean, they did put on that show for all the guys at your bar. Unless they’re all bisexual, maybe?”

“Is Ms. Wilde?” he asked curiously.

“No, I don’t think so. Although…”

“Although what?” he asked, wide-eyed. “Did she tell you about something that she’s done? Maybe with another girl?”

“Could you at least try to hide your enthusiasm?” I asked dryly.

He’s practically drooling
.

“Sorry. That’s just really hot, you know. Two beautiful girls together and all.”

“I guess.” I didn’t like to think of Julia with anyone other than me, regardless of gender. “No, I don’t think she has those inclinations, but she’s very…free-spirited, I guess you could say.”

Matt opened his mouth to speak and I could easily imagine all the scenarios running through his brain.

“Before you ask, no, I will not tell you anything.”

Especially not the part about her wanting me to tie her up. I’m a gentleman, after all. Well, except when I’m drinking, apparently
.

Matt pouted and grumbled to himself, obviously disappointed that I wasn’t going to divulge.

“Maybe there’s another reason why they’re going to a gay club?” I suggested.

“Maybe,” he said. “We need assistance. Shawn has gay friends. Hang on a second.”

I watched as he went into the back and came out, dragging Shawn along. Shawn owned half the bar with Matt and was a really nice guy.

“Hey, Stephen,” he said as he pulled up a chair. “What’s going on? Matt said something about your girlfriend possibly being a lesbian?”

I gave my brother a glare, but he just laughed like an idiot and sat down as well.

“No, she’s
not
a lesbian,” I said. “But, um, she is going to a gay club on Friday. Booty?”

Shawn smiled and nodded. “That club is mostly for gay men, so I really don’t think you have anything to worry about.”

“OK, but then why would she go there?” I asked with a frown.

He chuckled and shook his head. “Probably to avoid getting hit on all night,” he said. “It’s like a thing, you know? Beautiful women go to gay clubs all the time when they just want to dance and have a good time without being propositioned by horny drunk guys.”

Thank God. That means that she’s not looking for someone else, at least
.

“Really?” Matt asked.

Shawn nodded.

“Um, Shawn. I hope you don’t mind me asking,” I said hesitantly. “But how do you know so much about this? Are you…?”

“I’m not gay,” he said casually. “I’m…versatile. It’s all about the person for me. It transcends gender.”

Matt stared at his friend, completely bug-eyed. This was obviously news to him. “I’ve only ever seen you with women!”

“That’s because we’re usually here,” Shawn explained. “Most guys who come here don’t really swing that way.”

“You’ve never said anything.”

“It never came up,” Shawn said with a shrug. “It doesn’t make a difference, does it?”

“No, of course not,” Matt said. “You’re not into me, though, right?”

Shawn threw his head back and roared. “No!” he gasped, wiping his eyes. “No, I’m not into you, Matt.”

“Well, it’s not
that
funny, is it?” Matt said, crossing his arms.

“No, I’m sorry, buddy,” Shawn said, giving him a pat on the back. “You’re a very attractive man, but you’re really not my type. I tend to go for guys more like Stephen, actually,” he added, smiling at me.

Oh no. Not happening, Shawn
.

“I…um, thank you, I guess?” I said doubtfully, glancing around the room for the nearest exit.

“You’re welcome, but you don’t have to worry,” he said with a grin. “I’m not into straight guys.”

I nodded and let out a nervous laugh as Matt explained to his friend that I was trying to win Julia back. Shawn nodded sympathetically.

“So you guys are going to Booty on Friday? Mind if I tag along?” he asked.

“No, of course not,” I said immediately.

“Excellent,” he said. “We should go shopping tomorrow.”

“Shopping?”

“Yeah, you need some new threads if you’re going to impress the girl. Plus, they probably won’t let you in looking like you’re just there to hit on women. We need to gay you up.”

I paled and Matt laughed hysterically. I wanted to punch him.

“That goes for you too, big guy,” Shawn said, slapping Matt on the back.

“What?” he choked out.

I love karma
.

“But there’s nothing wrong with my clothes!” my brother insisted.

“True,” Shawn agreed. “Maybe just a little manscaping for you.”

Manscaping?

I must have looked utterly confused next to Matt’s horrified expression.

“It’s when you trim and wax the hair on your body,” Shawn explained.

“B-but I won’t be taking my clothes off,” Matt stuttered.

“You might have to,” Shawn quipped.

Matt turned whiter than a sheet and gave me a look of pure desperation.

“I’m just joking!” Shawn laughed. “Although we really should do something about that unibrow of yours.”

Matt touched his eyebrows, frowning. “Really? I guess.”

“Yay, spa day and shopping!” Shawn exclaimed, clapping his hands in a way that seriously made me doubt his previous statement about not being gay. “Are you up for that, Stephen?” he asked me.

“Sure,” I said with a sigh. “If you think it will help me get her back.”

Matt seemed to have recovered and reached over to pat me on my back. “Don’t worry, bro. We’ll make you look great. She won’t be able to resist you.”

I couldn’t help but smile a little. It felt good to have their support and now I had a plan, at least. Although I would never have imagined that it would include a trip to a spa and a new gay-friendly wardrobe. Not in a million years.

My life certainly isn’t boring anymore
.

* * *

“I don’t know, Matt,” I said as I stared at myself in the mirror. “Does this really look good?”

It was Friday night and we were at my apartment, about to go to the club.

“I think you look awesome,” he said, studying me carefully.

I looked in the mirror again and tried to view myself objectively. I was wearing ridiculously expensive shoes, which Shawn insisted was key when going to a gay club, dark denim jeans, a tight white T-shirt, and a black blazer. My hair was messy, which I knew that Julia liked, and the facial that Shawn had forced me to get at the spa had actually made my skin look really good and removed the few stress lines around my eyes. I looked young. Well, a lot closer to my own age than I had before, at least.

“Should I roll up my sleeves?” I asked.

“No!” Shawn and Matt shouted in unison, looking horrified at the suggestion.

“Not unless you’re going as Don Johnson,” Shawn added with a laugh.

Right
. Miami Vice
. Finally, a reference I get
.

“So I’m ready?” I asked, turning to face them.

“Almost,” Shawn said. “Now for the pièce de résistance.” He spritzed some cologne on me that he had made me buy earlier that day and took a step back as if admiring a work of art. “And voila!” he said, throwing up his hands in a dramatic gesture.

“Dude, are you sure you’re not gay?” Matt asked, narrowing his eyes. “It’s totally cool if you are, of course.”

“What’s with the labels?” Shawn asked, shrugging his shoulders. “I just like people.”

“Thank you, guys,” I said, turning to look at myself again.

“No problem,” Matt told me. “Now let’s go get your girl back.”

I gave myself one final glance and smiled.

Here goes nothing
.

“You all right?”

I glanced at Matt before loosening my grip on the steering wheel and turning my attention back to the road, but I didn’t answer his question. The truth was that I was terrified. I was about to impersonate a gay man to gain access to a club so that I could ambush the girl I was in love with and beg for her forgiveness. As backup, I had my brother, who was just about the straightest man in the world, and his friend, who was “versatile,” whatever the heck that meant. He could definitely pass for gay, but that was apparently a label, and Shawn wasn’t comfortable with those. How we would ever get into that club was beyond me.

Even more frightening was the thought of finally seeing Julia again. I hoped that Sophia had given her the re-graded paper that had gotten me into this mess to begin with, and that she might be slightly less inclined to yell at me when she saw that I had made sure it was graded fairly. But she hadn’t contacted me and I could only assume that, in her mind, our arrangement was over. I hoped that I’d make her rethink that decision before the night was over. The real problem was that I had no clue how to do that. I had wronged her, and I had hurt her.

“I don’t know what to do when I see her,” I finally admitted, not taking my eyes off the traffic.

“You just need to be totally casual and aloof,” Matt said. “Let her come to you. Chicks hate it when guys ignore them. If it were any other club I would tell you to start flirting with another girl right in front of her. That shit works every time!”

That didn’t make any sense. “But Julia will probably know that I’m there to see her. It’s a gay bar, after all.”

“Oh, no problem-o. Just tell her that we’re there for Shawn’s sake because he’s the gayest gay man alive.”

“But I’m not,” Shawn piped up from the backseat.

“Come on, man. Can’t you just act like that dude married to the other dude from
Modern Family
?”