Absolute Beginners (Absolute #1) (20 page)

“Fuck!” she cried out, holding on to my shoulders as I pounded into her
.

“You think I don’t think about you?” I panted. “You’re in my head constantly.” I tightened my hold on her hips and claimed her mouth in a fierce kiss. “I dream about you at night, about doing this with you, Julia.”

“Stephen,” she moaned, her head lolling back
.

“What have you done to me?” I gasped, taking her harder and harder. “I hardly recognize myself.”

“Oh, fuck!” she screamed. “Just like that!”

I pounded into her, completely overtaken by lust and also a need to punish her for making me want her so badly
.

“You like it when I fuck you hard?”

Her cries grew louder, her nails digging into my shoulders
.

“Tell me, Julia! Fucking tell me!” I demanded, slowing down
.

“Yes, I like it!”

“Scream my name when you come,” I gasped, leading her hand down between our joined bodies
.

I captured her lips with mine, but we were hardly able to kiss, both of us were breathing so hard. It only took a few more thrusts for Julia to yell my name so loudly that it made my ears ring. I was hurled over the edge a few seconds later, gripping her tightly as I came. My knees buckled and I almost dropped her on the floor. Panting and heaving for air, she clung to me and me to her
.

After a few seconds, she started squirming, as always, and I lowered her down to stand on her own. She slipped out from under my arm, and it sparked new anger in me. She was always the one who pulled away. Not tonight. My desire for her hadn’t been sated and I wanted more. I grabbed her wrist and pulled her back, effectively caging her in with my arms
.

“Where do you think you’re going?” I said, reaching around to unhook her bra. “I’m not done with you yet.”

The rest of the night was a complete blur. As the last of the alcohol I had consumed entered my bloodstream, my memories became even more fuzzy and incoherent. I looked at the dining table. I had taken her there. I vaguely remembered knocking over the low shelf when I had her against the wall. I had bent her over the couch as well, and taken her from behind while pulling her hair. The pillows on the floor…I had a vision of her kneeling on them while I stood above her, using her mouth for my pleasure.

God, what did I do to her?

I had behaved like a complete animal. I remembered screaming, moaning, and grunting. I may have bitten her at some point. I couldn’t remember how it had ended or how I made it to my bed. Had she slept in there with me or had I just stumbled to bed and left her out here? I felt sick to my stomach. Last night had been anything but gentle. She was so small. Was she hurt? I had been rough with her. I shot up off the couch, searching for my phone, dreading that either Megan or Sophia would pick up and tell me that Julia was unable to come to the phone. It rang once, twice, and my heart jumped when it was answered.

“Hey you,” she purred on the other end.

“Julia,” I gasped, drawing a deep, ragged breath. “Are you OK?”

“Yes, I’m fine. Why?”

She’s fine? How can she be fine?

“I-I just woke up and the living room is…are you hurt?”

“No,” she said slowly. “What’s going on, Stephen?”

“You weren’t here, and I was so… I can’t remember everything from last night, but…are you sure that you’re all right?”

“Baby, calm down. I’m perfectly all right. What happened? You were fine when I put you to bed.”

“You put me to bed? I can’t remember much after, um, after what happened in the hallway and even that’s…a bit of blur,” I confessed.

“Hmm, it’s too bad that you can’t remember, because that was the best sex of my life,” she chuckled.

It was? How can that be?

“But…I was so rough with you, Julia. I practically
forced
you!” my voice cracked.

“You did no such thing,” she said calmly. “No offense, Stephen. I know that you’re really strong, but you were pretty drunk and I’m sure that I could have taken you if you had done something I didn’t want.”

“What? What do you mean, you could have taken me?”

“Stephen, I did kickboxing for a few years and I’ve taken a dozen self-defense classes. I can take care of myself. You didn’t do anything last night that hurt me. It’s not in your nature. You really don’t remember all the orgasms you gave me?”

“No, not exactly,” I admitted. “I mostly remember throwing you around like a ragdoll.”

“You did that, too,” she said. “And I enjoyed every second of it.”

“Really?”

“I swear. I had a great time. You kept asking me if I was OK, if I felt good. You may have been drunk off your ass but it seemed like your main goal was to get me off as many times as possible. Mission accomplished!”

“So you really enjoyed yourself,” I said, feeling my shoulders drop in relaxation.

“I really did,” she said. “In fact, I might need you to date more often if that’s what happens afterward.”

Absolutely not
.

“No, no more dates,” I said, breathing out.

“Really?”

“Yes, you were right. Seeing two people at the same time gets complicated.”

“So you won’t be dating anyone?”

“No, I’ll just see you.”

“OK,” she said softly.

God, I wish I could see her face. Is she happy about this?

“Um, what are you doing?” I asked.

“Nothing. I woke up a little while ago but I was too lazy to get out of bed.”

“Do you want company?” I blurted out.

I really wanted to see her and get visual confirmation that she was, in fact, fine.

“Sure,” she groaned, sounding like she was stretching. “Why don’t I come by your place with some hangover food? I assume that you could use that?”

“Yes,” I admitted sheepishly.

“Great. Let me jump in the shower and I’ll be over in an hour or so?”

“That sounds good,” I said, smiling.

“I’ll see you soon,” she said and hung up.

“I can’t wait to see you,” I said, even though she couldn’t hear me.

And…and I think I might be in love with you
.

I can’t be in love with Julia! It’s not rational. It doesn’t make any sense!

Throwing my phone on the couch, I paced back and forth in my living room. I should have been appalled by the mess, but I couldn’t seem to care at the moment. I had far more disturbing things to contemplate. I couldn’t be in love with Julia. Our arrangement wasn’t about that. It was about sex and nothing more. We had both agreed on that when we started seeing each other.

It can’t be love. It just can’t
.

I didn’t have any personal frame of reference on this particular topic. As far as I knew, I’d never been in love before. Sure, there had been infatuations, and I’d always been fond of the women that I’d dated, but I hadn’t experienced anything that qualified as love. But I had no idea what it was like to be in love, therefore, I couldn’t know if that was what I felt for Julia. I had to have some sort of answer before she came over. How could I find out?

Asking Matt was out of the question. He had never harbored deep feelings for a woman, of that I was completely sure. Plus, he’d never believe that I was making an innocent inquiry and would know something was up. I needed to approach this logically.

What would I do if this was an academic query?

I knew the answer immediately. I would do research. Turning on my computer, I threw some clothes on while it started up and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge.

Research. I’m good at that. I excel at research. I can figure this out
.

But I couldn’t use any of my usual search engines. Love in literature and poetry was too vague and there were far too many variables to consider. I needed facts. While I hardly ever used Google in academic research, I now saw no other choice but to type in “signs that you are in love.” I groaned loudly and scrubbed my face with my hands when I saw the results.

Three hundred million hits
.

I did find a little comfort in the fact that I apparently wasn’t the only one who had trouble in this particular area of life.

“Signs that you’re in love…for fools,” I read out loud. That seemed oddly appropriate, since I was certainly a fool when it came to love. I clicked on the website and started reading with my heart in my throat.

That was true. I did get strange flutters in my stomach when Julia smiled at me. I just thought it was indigestion.

Check! I really hated her apartment, but I went there to see her.

Well, I had only had the one date, but I had decided not to see any other women. That was three out of three so far. This was not good.

Double check! I fantasized and dreamed about her.

Yes, I did. For someone who was supposed to be intelligent, I marveled at my own idiocy whenever she was around.

No, that wasn’t true! Finally. We texted each other, we didn’t speak on the phone. But I did hope every text message I received was from her.
Damn it!

I swallowed a couple of times, staring at the screen. There was no denying the evidence. All the answers pointed in the same direction: I was a fool, and apparently in love.

But…I don’t
want
to be in love with Julia!

Absolutely nothing good could come from this revelation. She was all wrong for me: a wild party girl whose priorities in life were completely different from mine. We couldn’t even see each other openly because she was still in my class, and I was still her professor.

Plus, she doesn’t want to date you. Did you forget about that?

Julia didn’t date and she didn’t want a boyfriend. She wanted casual sex and nothing more. But then why would she offer to come over and hang out with me today? Surely she wasn’t expecting sex, seeing as I was hung over. If she just wanted sex then she would have waited to see me until I was feeling better.

I shook my head, regretting it instantly. My headache was back with renewed force, so I slowly made my way to the couch, lying down with my eyes closed. I took a deep breath and exhaled. Maybe I
was
in love, but I couldn’t tell her that. She’d run for the hills if I revealed that I wanted something more and I couldn’t risk it. The only thing I was absolutely certain of was that I wanted to keep seeing her in whatever capacity I could.

Maybe the signs didn’t matter, and I didn’t love her. Couldn’t it be possible that I was just overcome with lust for her? I certainly did my fair share of lusting after her, so that seemed plausible enough. I closed my eyes, running my hands through my hair. I didn’t know anything anymore. If someone had told me a month ago that I’d be sleeping with one of my students, I would have laughed at the absurdity of the statement. But the fact remained that I was now having sex with a student on a regular basis, and it seemed that all logic and rationality had left me.

What the hell am I going to do?

Having no answer, I sat up and started cleaning up the broken glass from the wine bottle. I moved around the apartment on autopilot while tidying up the mess I’d made last night. After washing up, I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror. Was I
really
in love with my student?

The doorbell rang, making my heart pound wildly in my chest.

Julia
.

Ignoring my headache, I ran to the door and pulled it open, looking her over. She was wearing one of her ridiculous outfits and smudgy makeup, but it didn’t bother me. Impulsively, I pulled her into my arms. She seemed unharmed, but I had to be sure. I took a step back, running my hands over her arms, her back, and her neck, finally cupping her face in my hands.

“You’re OK, you’re OK,” I heard myself whisper before my lips captured hers.

She let out a surprised sound but kissed me back after a second. My arms encircled her and the kiss quickly increased in intensity. I heard her dropping something on the floor as she fisted her hands in my shirt and pulled me closer.

When I felt myself becoming aroused, I pulled back. It hit me with startling clarity that I had not intended for the kiss to become sexual. I had kissed her because I was relieved that she was all right and safe. I had kissed her because I was happy to see her. I had kissed her because…because I was in love with her.

I’m in love with Julia
.

This was a nightmare. I was in love with the beautiful, unattainable girl in front of me and if I told her, she’d leave. She wanted none of my love. Groaning loudly, I dropped my head on her shoulder.

“Poor thing,” she said softly, rubbing my back. “Do you feel sick?”

Yes. Lovesick, apparently
.

I nodded and felt her usher me into the living room, where she had me lie on the couch.

“Don’t worry,” she said. “I’ve brought a few things to make you feel better.” I heard her walk back into the hallway to take off her coat and shoes before returning to my side. I opened my eyes and looked at her.

“Your eyes are all red,” she said, looking concerned.

“Yeah, I don’t feel very well.”

“Drink this.” She handed me a large cup with a straw. I knew better than to question anything that Julia offered me and took a large drink of the pink concoction.

“God, that’s good,” I said, taking another sip. “What is it?”

She smiled. “It’s a fruit smoothie—bananas, raspberries, some vanilla soy shit, and a little ginseng.”